Oct 26 - Nov 01, 2003

I just got back from seeing AJL. I feel like I can't do anything right. God he should just forget about me. I am so mad at myself. I mean he spent the whole day dealing with the Jody thing. They got her out and she's on her way to a private hospital in another city. BW helped. I didn't even thank them.

The visit went horrible. I shouldn't have gone over when he was still there. Nothing went right. I tired to be all flirting and stuff, but I just couldn't do it right. I was the one that suggested we go for a swim, but when push came to shove I freaked. I guess it was just knowing that he was still in the house somewhere.

I suck at this so much. Maybe I am in way over my head.

I told him I wasn't ready. I told him I thought that if I gave him something more, he wouldn't want anybody else. I don't get it. I don't understand why he wants me. I am so confused.

It was too much too soon. I think I'm going to go for a run.

current mood: frustrated

friends-locked

Well, let me tell you about the anniversary party first, and then about what happened with Chloe afterwards. From an objective point of view, it was very nice. Everyone had a good time–-it was most of the same people as last night at the Halloween party. Whitney’s parents looked so happy and there was an endless stream of friends and relatives congratulating them and reveling in how long they had been married etc.

Since I was Whitney’s date, I sat at his parents’ table. In fact, we sat in-between his parents and his grandparents. It felt awkward from the start and in the course of dinner it became downright bizarre. For me at least. The others probably thought it was perfect because weren’t we on exactly the same path as his parents? After all, they met in high school too, and looked how that turned out. His grandma leaned over and whispered the story of how they met to me. At the end she patted my hand, and told me, “Dear, you are a very lovely girl, and our Whitney can be very grateful to have found you.” I didn’t know what to say so I just smiled. She probably thought I was shy. Lovely indeed.

After dinner, a whole lot of speeches and sketches followed. Whitney had arranged all of it so he was busy directing people and giving cues when they got stuck. I ended up standing with a few of his cousins who I met before at various family get-togethers. They started talking about their ideal husband, and how they imagine their wedding, what names they want their children to have, all accompanied with dreamy looks and lots of giggles. You know, girls talking together. I’ve talked about all these hopes and dreams many times before and I never thought twice about it. But last night, I felt left out because there is a part of my life now that doesn’t fit into that picture. That will never fit into that picture. That I couldn’t even mention to them, or anyone at that party. It was as if there was an invisible line drawn across the room, and I stood on one side whereas everyone else was on the other side.

When I realized that something slipped away from me. I don’t know how to describe what I lost exactly, besides saying that it involves not being able to take certain things for granted anymore. There have always been uncertainties in my life but a few things I knew for sure. Like, getting married, and having children. To and with a man, that is. See, even having to add that is something that I would have never thought would be necessary.

You know that while being with Chloe has made me very happy, I’ve also been anxious about it. That anxiety came back in full force tonight. And it’s not only because what Chloe and I have doesn’t fit into the picture most people here have of life. It’s more than that. Something more fundamental. The fact that I’m happy with her, need her, that I want her means something, something about who I am and who I will be.

I was hoping that I wouldn’t have to deal with this because it freaks me out. I thought that this is just about liking Chloe but it’s not just that. I don’t even know where to begin. The only thing I know for sure is that I can’t run away from these questions any longer.

Since this post is already so long I’ll tell you about Chloe tomorrow.

friends-locked

I’ll try to be coherent even though my thoughts are all over the place. I didn’t sleep much either. All I want to do right now is sit by the window and stare into the sky.

Last night, after I left the party, I called Chloe from the car. I needed her so badly. Wanted her to hold me and tell me everything will be alright. I didn’t really have the right to ask that of her but I couldn’t help myself. Everything hurt so much. She was reluctant to see me so I begged, and she finally said yes.

She was very distant, almost cold. I didn’t know I hurt her so much this week until I saw her last night. The worst thing I did was not tell her. That I kept things from her. Let them stand between us. Well, let other people, and let Whitney stand between us, to be more precise.

Although I really didn’t deserve it, she listened to me. She was there for me when I needed her the most. I told her how I felt at the party, that I lost something that I was so sure I would always have. She kept pushing me to say what that was but I didn’t know. We were both so frustrated because I didn’t know what she wanted from me and she thought I wouldn’t tell her. I was so scared to say anything wrong because the situation was so tense. Like standing on thin ice–one false move and...well, it didn’t matter. We crashed anyway.

She said a lot of things. That I was holding on to an idea of a “normal” life. That what we have didn’t fit into that picture and I had to deal with that if I wanted to be with her. She was right, but I still didn’t know what to say. It’s the only life I know, and I’m only beginning to figure out what else there is. I think she has a better idea. The way she’s been thinking about her life is so different...she wants to be a reporter above anything else. Chloe never had that kind of certainty about finding the right person. But she had dreams, too, about how maybe there is that one person...there were two people in her life so far who made her dream about that. My neighbor (I had no idea! I was totally shocked), and I.

Maybe I killed that dream by what I did this week. By caring so much about what others think of me. By not thinking at all on Friday, least of all about how much I was hurting her. I know now how close I have come to losing her. I can never let this happen again. Chloe said she needed time to think about all that’s happened.

I also need to think about a few things. About how I can’t have both my ideal life and her. Seems like an obvious choice, right? Since I want to be with her. But it’s not. My mind keeps going in circles...I wish someone could just tell me what to do.

So this is my first time using one of these things.

I'm a PA to a businessman in Kansas, I like reading, music and movies.

My boss has a lot of problems with his son, but I know he loves him deeply.

And I love him (my boss) very deeply.

Which I think is more than enough of an admission for my first post.

Current Mood: nervous
Current Music: Bach

I am so tired this morning. Yesterday was such a hard day. I woke up early and did a million chores to get my mind off the last few days. I kept going back to how I acted. It wasn't the best reaction to the situation, but I can't help how I felt. I don't know where it came from; I don't know why I did it. I have never felt this way about anybody. I don't know where it comes from.

My mom spent most of the morning baking so I helped her. I almost opened my mouth to ask for advice a million times. But what was I supposed to say? I mean I guess I could have just faked that it was about LL, but I was just to afraid I would slip up and blurt out Lex's name. (I can't refer to him as just initials anymore) Then where would I be.

She did ask if I was all right. She did try to get me to talk, but I just told her other stuff, like the fact that Lex helped me with that girl and then didn't even tell me about it. I did mention BW but only by his first name. She just commented that it was nice to see that Lex had other friends. I had nothing to say to that.

I finally couldn't take it any longer so I took one of the pumpkin pies, and told mom I was off to spend some time over at the castle. She just told me to be home by 11 since I had school tomorrow.

my boyfriend

I walked over to the mansion. When I got there, he was in the gym working out. It looked like he was working off a huge amount of frustration. I guess that was my fault.

He didn't hear me come in since he was listening to music with headphones on. He looked so good all sweaty and hot. When I inhaled, I could smell him, and it was so sexy. (I have it so bad) He just smelled primal. How he manages to do that is a mystery. I was half-hard by the time he noticed me. Good thing I had my long flannel shirt buttoned up. It covered any evidence. After all, I wasn't there to jump him.

We went and sat down to talk. Lex was still all sweaty. It was driving me nuts, but I managed to stay calm enough.

I didn't even know where to start. I wasn't sure why I had done what I did. I know it had to do with BW. He was so intimidating and so gorgeous that even when Lex was telling me how much he cares about me, a voice in the back of my head was telling me it was only a matter of time before Lex got bored with me. I don't even know why. I mean he's proven repeatedly how he feels.

I guess I was carried away with the idea that somebody found me attractive. I've felt like such a freak my whole life; it's hard for that to go away overnight. I feel at a loss when he tells me how attractive he thinks I am. I've never had that before (except of course my mom).

We talked for a while and it made me very uncomfortable. I just didn't know the right words. I wanted to cry. I was so terrified that he would tell me to get out and never come back, but he didn't. I wanted to hold him the whole time we talked, but his body language told me to back off.

We agreed that we should slow down, and that I should be the one to pace things. I know what I want, and I should not let anybody turn me away from that. Not even myself.

I love Lex and I know now that he will be there, and he will not just end things with me because. . .

I was so relieved when we finally kissed. It was the most wonderful kiss ever. So beautiful and it made my heart pound. It was the first time where I kissed him and it felt like something more than sexual. It felt emotional and spiritual and so many other things I don't even know how to describe. It wasn't just passion this time; it was something more.

This has become something more for me. Looking at Lex, after we talked, I just feel different. For a minute, I could believe that he did want me. I saw it in his eyes and that makes me feel different. I think it's because I'm feeling this way about him that the thought of him with someone else made me so crazy.

God this just totally sucks, and it's not coming out right at all. I don't know how to say what I feel. It just is and maybe I need to think on it more.

current mood: thoughtful

I just don't know what to do. I thought I could trust him, but then I find out that while that jerk was staying at the mansion he kissed Lex! I found out by accident. If I'd never stumbled on it, (yes I read his email and I shouldn't have, but that doesn't compare to what he did) Lex never would have told me about the kiss. All I could think was, that if it was only a kiss, he wouldn't have lied.

He said he was trying to spare my feelings. Right! How was that supposed to spare my feelings? And that smug BW saying that I wouldn't understand. Of course I wouldn't! What's to understand about that self-righteous jerk throwing himself at MY boyfriend when he knew about me!

He slept with him, I just have the horrible feeling that he slept with him. That e-mail implied more than Lex was telling. Lex says nothing happened, but god, he's already lied before. How am I supposed to believe him?

I'm so upset right now; I smashed a hole in the side of the barn when I got back.

FUCK!

He touched him, and Lex let him keep staying there.

I can't do this. I'm going to hit something very hard - right now.

current mood: angry

I may delete this journal. I’ll give it a night, and see if I feel the same way in the morning.

But after tonight, I feel that everything I have written in here, everything I believed, is a lie.

My angel does not believe in me. Thinks I am a whore. Won’t take my word that I didn’t sleep with B. Just fucking assumes that I’d just give my body over…

I thought that he was different. That to him, I was different. I was sure of it. Against all my better instincts, against a lifetime of learned lessons, I believed him when he said he loved me. What possessed me?

Now, now I just think that…

It must have always been about sex. If that’s what he thinks of me…It must just have been about pushing boundaries, fucking teenage rebellion and nothing to do with…with what I thought he saw…with what I thought I felt.

How could I let myself be so taken by this boy? How could I have been so fucking wrong?

And why did I expect it to be any different?

My father was right about me.

Friends-only post

Someone once said that we're born happy, or at least with the potential to be. It's pessimism and cynicism and all the negative stuff that we learn.

That's not verbatim, but to further paraphrase... I've come to conclusion. This wisdom helped me realize something today, and I've been riddled with it ever since...

Before I mention this one overwhelming and inescapable truth, I should explain what happened Saturday night. LL called me saying she was on her way over. She was terribly upset, and she was even worse when she got here. I hate myself for this, but my defence mechanisms kicked in and all of my defences went way up, sky high! I was only hearing the bad in what she was saying, only listening to anything that sounded like it was uncertain enough to hurt.

I let slip the fact that I had feelings for CK (but did not mention that it was despite the fact that he was always crushing on her), and I totally deflected a barrage of questions about my ideal future. She told me she felt like she "lost something" and she didn't know what exactly that something was. I admit being just as confused. "Something" could have been anything, and I immediately interpreted it to mean (from what she told me of how this feeling and concern came to haunt her) that she was beginning to miss the dreams of marriage and kids and a "normal" life with a "conventional" family. (In all fairness, that was my choice of those words, not hers.) I took every ugly, spiteful, and cruel thought in my brain that had plagued me the same way, and I shoved them all right into her mouth. My depression superimposed on her call to me for help...

She was really distraught, and I could see in her eyes how distressed she was, but I genuinely felt like I couldn't help her. That was for two reasons, and the second is much less admirable. It was both because I knew it was something she had to work out on her own and because I didn't want to forgive her when I knew in my heart she wasn't to blame. Real noble, huh?

In case you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic.

Sarcasm, n., an expression of cynicism, a form of negativity.

That's just one of the learned behaviours I'm talking about. We learn to see life through that lens and it becomes such an ingrained part of our vision that we don't believe our sight can focus without it there.

I spent the last two days, between school and work, letting all this stew, and it boiled over when I realized that I was pushing her away of my own unintentional will. I was so close to allowing myself to lose the best thing that ever happened to me. She was as vulnerable as I've ever seen her, and all I could say was that I didn't know what I wanted other than my perfect career. She reached out to me, and I told her that CK was the only person who had ever made me feel like there was someone out there that I could spend the rest of my life with and love forever in some insanely harlequin sense of the world! I told her she did make me feel that way, outright implying that she didn't anymore! *shakes head sadly*

Now, after acting so high and mighty to further add to LL's misery, I feel like my soul's been thrown into an iron maiden and bled of all its dignity and sunshine.

To do some insignificant, overdramatic, mundane and humble channelling of Martin Luther King, Jr., I have a dream. (Here comes the really lame and egocentric rip-off part.) I dream of a life where I don't shove people away from me so that I block them before they can shut me out first. I dream of a life where we don't have to be bound by anyone else's idea of what defines a relationship or a family. I dream of a life where I am a better person... and where I can't hate myself so much for all the regrets I have... I dream of a life where nothing else matters, and I can stop being so selfish and childish... I dream of a life where I have truly earned her love.

Finally... I dream of tonight... because I'm going over to her house right after I'm done writing this, and I'm going to beg for her forgiveness so that she knows what matters most to me is her.

This is Girl F with my fingers crossed.

I didn’t go to school today.

I just couldn’t. Too many thoughts cluttering my brain already, I didn’t need more. Also, the possibility of seeing Chloe was too much. It would have been too awkward. There would have been weird avoidance masked as pure coincidence of not running into each other. Trying to pretend that your paths just don’t cross that day when all your energy is spent on trying not to see the other person.

I guess I looked pretty miserable this morning since my aunt didn’t even question me when I told her I needed to stay home today. So I crawled back into bed ten minutes after getting up. When I didn’t sleep, I let my thoughts run free in an attempt to break through the circles they have been caught up in since Saturday. While my mind did indeed wander off, it mostly went to paranoid fantasies of me being utterly alone. I am not sure about anything anymore. Did Chloe and I agree we still want to be together, or was that all in my head? Maybe we already broke up and I just forgot about it.

Maybe we are just not supposed to be together. I don’t know anything about life beyond the pretty picture I always believed in. But that was just a picture, it wasn’t real. I have a feeling Chloe has a much better sense of what life is all about, and I can understand if she doesn’t want to waste her time with someone as naive as me.

The most pathetic thing is that I still want the proverbial picket fence. How screwed up is that? I mean I know that being with Chloe, at least in this town, does not and never will lead to that. Why can’t I just let go of it? We could still be happy. I have already been happy with her. Why isn’t that experience stronger than an illusion?

When I thought I was losing it the craziest thing happened. Maybe it’s some kind of survival instinct that kicked in. My brain chose to remind me what it’s like to be close with her. To kiss her, and to touch her. To be seduced by her. To let her take me into ecstasy. It hurt because all I wanted in that moment was her, and she wasn’t there, and maybe she won’t ever be again.

I've had time, and a few broken - things since I stormed out of the castle. I feel like a complete idiot. I should have believed Lex. That other guy who I now officially totally hate, is not the one I should believe. I know that, but what do I do? I can't expect Lex to just say 'it's fine come on back to me.' I would throw me out on my ass if I was in his shoes.

What do I do? Please help me. I need to figure out how to fix this, and I don't have anybody I can go to. I have nobody to confide in except you guys. Even if I can just get his friendship back that would be better than feeling like I just hollowed out my chest.

current mood: gloomy

friends-locked post

Last night, Chloe came by to see me.

At first I thought she was a ghost, or maybe another illusion. I know that sounds insane but I was in bad place yesterday. Reality was definitely slipping away from me, and the last thing I was expecting was for her to appear in my room.

She came to apologize. It took a while for me to understand. Her words came to me one by one, disconnected, without meaning. What she was trying to tell me was so far removed from my thoughts, so different from anything that had occupied my mind. I couldn’t react, so I just tried to tell her what I had been thinking about but it came out all twisted and incoherent. I scared her, I think. There was panic in her eyes. So she explained again, and again.

After what seemed to be forever, I finally got it. We were both hurt. We had both hurt each other, and we were both afraid to lose the chance of being together. I think our fear made us blind to see what was going on. She assured me that I didn’t have to come up with a solution for our quandary, and that the most important thing to her was to be with me. Together we can beat anything, or at least that’s what she believes. I am not so sure. I want to believe that, would give anything for that to be true, but after what happened on Saturday...there are too many odds for that kind of certainty. But I didn’t say that. We had already been talking for a long time at that point; I was too tired to bring it up. I was also too scared that she might leave due to my lack of faith, and I needed her so badly that the risk of her walking away was impossible to take. So, instead, I asked her to lie down with me. To feel her arms around me again made me not want to let go of her, ever. Of course she couldn’t stay, though but we agreed to spend a night together sometime soon.

So, things are better now. We have made a commitment to each other. I should be happy, but there is a lingering uncertainty I can’t shake off. In a way, we are in exactly the same place as before. The issue about how we can have this relationship in this town hasn’t changed. If we continue to keep it secret we have to play the same game as before, and it has almost destroyed once now, and I’m sure at other times we’ll come to this breaking point again. I just hope that when that time comes, our relationship will be strong enough.

Or maybe I just can’t think clearly about this anymore, and I’m being paranoid again. Maybe someone on the outside could help me. I should find out if my neighbor’s offer to talk to me still stands.

After dinner, I went over to my neighbor, to talk about all that’s been happening with Chloe recently.

I noticed right away that something was bothering him, too, but he didn’t seem to want to talk about it so I let it go. Also, I was so glad to finally talk about what’s been bothering me that I was maybe a little selfish. I told him everything-–about not telling Chloe about going to the party, and about the fight we had on Saturday and about last night. It was painful to go through all that again, but it was good also.

He listened, and he tried to help by asking the right questions and by pushing my thoughts further, like any good friend would do. But there was more to it. I think a lot of people might have said that things will get easier eventually. He didn’t. In fact, he said it might always be this hard. He wasn’t trying to be just nice, he was honest. Didn’t gloss over the difficulties Chloe and I will be facing. And I couldn’t shake the feeling that he knew what I was talking about. Knew from his own experience. On top of that, he seemed so moved, or rather, rattled by what I said, by how hard it’s been for Chloe and me. As if he had been through the same thing...

I just had to ask him. Not so much because I really had to know but because I could see it was bothering him. The conversation I had with Chloe a few weeks ago came into my mind again–-about how there might be something between my neighbor and the millionaire. I knew I had to be really careful with my question or he’d just withdraw from me. So I said that I thought he really understood what I was talking about. He got what I was implying, and he nodded. It really hit me how alone he must feel, what a burden all these feelings must be on him, and I really wanted him to know that if there was anything he wanted to talk about, he could, even if he couldn’t really say what it was about.

My neighbor then told me that he and the millionaire had a fight but that it was nothing. Well, obviously, it hadn’t been “nothing,” or he wouldn’t have mentioned it. I told him as much–-I figured if he had trusted me so far, he could take hearing that. So he explained that he behaved like an idiot and that they weren’t on speaking terms anymore. God, I wish I could describe my neighbor’s expression while he was telling me this. He looked so lost, so desperate. It was as clear as day that this wasn’t only a fight between friends, but I would have never pushed him to say more on that.

As it turned out, I didn’t have to. He told me. Told me they were dating. That he was in love with the millionaire. For a moment I forgot how to breathe. I was stunned. He said he wanted me to understand that he knew exactly where I was coming from. I’m still in shock. You have to understand, my neighbor is a very private person, and the fact that he confided in me, that he trusts me so much....I feel so honored. I promised not to tell anyone, and I won’t. Not even Chloe. I made him promise that he’d fight for his love and that he’d go over to the millionaire to talk to him (side note: after he made the promise, he explained that people on his LJ had told him to do the same thing. He has an LJ too! And apparently, so does Chloe!!).

We both felt a lot better once we were done with our confessions. Our conversation was almost lighthearted afterwards. We agreed to have these talks more often now since we both obviously need someone to talk about our relationships with. I really hope he and the millionaire can sort this out–-my neighbor was so heartbroken about their fight. He must love him very much.

I'm trying to get my son to spend more time with a friend of his. I think it might do him good. Intelligent boy, runs his own business. He does have some issues, but he's a better choice than the one my son made himself, so I might just hint what my opinion is.

Deal is done. My son is going to spend the next few weeks in close quarters with his friend, rekindling old flames. I'll refrain from expressing my interest in their relationship, or else he'll break it off just to spite me.

I guess I have somebody to confide in now. I didn't mean for it to happen but . . . I wasn't sure why I told her. I guess she just made me feel like I could confide. She didn't push, and she wasn't too shocked.

Maybe I do look gay; whatever that means.

I have read all the comments you've left. After all, I did ask for advice. Only one problem; I'm too afraid to go over. I went by to drop off the produce but he wasn't around so I left as soon as I heard he was in a meeting. He's very busy so I guess I'll just wait until I run into him or something. I know nothing will be resolved this way, but this is the only way I know how to deal. All my life, whenever my dad and I have fought we just avoid each other until one of us talks to the other. It's so much easier that way, but I know I won't be able to get away with that when it comes to Lex. He's not my dad and I can't handle him that way.

School was weird today. It felt like everybody was staring at me when I walked by. I know it's just paranoia, but sometimes I feel freakier than usual.

After class, I went over to the coffee shop in the hopes that Lex would be there, but he wasn't. I feel like a big idiot more and more each day.

When I think about the wording of the e-mail I saw, I realize I shouldn't have jumped to the stupid conclusions I jumped to. The part that got to me the most - let's see if I can remember it . . .

Things will be as they were, as if it never happened, and we can forget. That is my wish. Also, I dare suggest that Clark does not have to know.

It just makes me sad to know that if I'd never accidentally read this; I never would have known what had happened. I know I have my secrets, but they aren't secrets about lovers and they would never affect this part of our relationship.

Okay, maybe I'm not as over it as I thought. I need to see if I can call him tonight, or I should just go over there. Mom has been bugging me lately. I don't think she suspects but she keeps giving me these looks. Which totally creeps me out since moms seem to know everything.

current mood: nervous

I’m still here. And yes, Casey, maybe on some level I had no intention of deleting my journal. This morning I am just tired enough to say I don’t know. At the time, I just wanted to do something destructive, to erase things, eradicate them. Or at least I wanted to want to. Just like I wanted to hate my angel, and my father, and myself.

But my self-destruction has always been…indirect. I’ll drink myself into oblivion, I’ll break everything fragile around me. I’ll watch my own blood. But I won’t erase my journal and I won’t end things. I’ll wake up the next day and still regret and still want and still write here.

Though yesterday I couldn’t.

Today I am angry and sad and resigned. You are all right – my angel is young. He’s not going to grow up overnight and perhaps I was somehow thinking that he would.

But does his being young excuse everything? Excuse that he could so easily make such assumptions about me? Excuse that he read my private email? That he could so easily, so naturally, mistrust me? That he could just stand there and accuse me of lying when he holds so much back from me himself?

Maybe, however, you are right, and I should turn inward. Realize that this isn’t only about him and face my own responsibility. I don’t know why I didn’t tell him about B. When B kissed me, it was like losing…well, I’m not sure what I lost but I did. Lost my angel. Lost B. Lost who I was and who I am. And to tell my angel about it…I felt like he would see through me and see past me. He idealizes me and doesn’t know who I was before (or at least he didn’t) and I wanted to keep that.

So I didn’t tell him. I had no intention of telling him. Of course I should have told him.

If he comes back to me, as you all seem so sure he will, I don’t know what I’ll do. There’s something else I haven’t told him, something I did before we were together, but something he would still want to know about. Something I can’t tell him.

So the cycle will start again and I will lose him again.

But that’s only if he comes back and I’m not so sure that he will. And even if he does, I’ve seen that look in his eye now, the look of disgust. I’ll be waiting for that look.

Well, it worked. I grovelled.

I went over there unsure of what I was going to do or say. It was hard, the hardest thing I have ever done. We talked for a bit, and then when I just couldn't find the right words, I got on my hands and knees and crawled to him. I crawled into his lap and begged him to tell me what I needed to do to make things right. At that point, I would have done anything.

We know we haven't solved the problem, but god it felt so good to just hold him, and be close to him. He smelled like home. I'm tired now. Maybe I'll write more tomorrow. All I know right now is, he's talking to me again, and I just spent the night on my knees.

At least the stress is gone.

current mood: grateful

Yesterday when I went over, Lex was asleep on the sofa. I woke him and it wasn't easy. He was glad to see me, but at the same time not thrilled. I guess that goes without saying.

We talked and I just didn't know what to say. I couldn't find the right words. I tried, I really did. And then he told me he loves me. He said the words. The ones he told me are hard to get out. When I said them back, he told me he didn't believe me. That really hurt, but I understood why.

When I crawled into his lap, it felt so good; so right. I wanted to be closer to him. I needed to be closer, and I have to admit, I was so glad when he said he didn't want to talk about it anymore right then.

I also told him I didn't want to share him with anybody at all. Anybody!

And now, for the bad news. I saw Lex today. (good part) He told me BW, and he will be meeting a lot in the next few weeks for business. (bad part) His dad arranged it. I was cool about it. I didn't freak. I told him I understood and then we kissed and stuff.

But the truth is -

I hate it. Why does he have to do this? I mean I know why he has to do it but still. He told me he wanted me to know right away so there would be no misunderstandings. I get that. I don't have to like it, but for Lex, I will show him that I have faith in him.

current mood: discontent

First, I want to thank you all for your kind and thoughtful comments. You were right, he did come back. And begged my forgiveness. On his knees no less. He told me that his live journal friends had told him to grovel.

Yes, you heard right.

I didn’t press him on it.

I couldn’t send him away. Even after everything. And although I had come to no resolutions regarding how easily this could all happen again.

I know we didn’t resolve anything, but I tried to be honest with him. More honest than I had been before. And I tried to hold back from lashing out.

Honestly all I wanted was to do was hold him, feel him, lose myself in him. The last couple of days…the emptiness had just threatened to subsume me. I hadn’t slept; I had tried to throw myself into work but all day had been thinking of him.

He apologized over and over for assuming that I would sleep with B. He said that his reaction to the email was just so strong, he couldn’t think clearly. That it was like (and I’m quoting this basically word for word) he wanted me just for himself, and that nobody else should be allowed to touch me, ever.

This should, no doubt, concern me. A warning sign.

All it does is turn me on.

I’m playing with fire, but I am trying to be careful about it

I told him, very clearly, that B would remain in my life. However, I neglected to mention that my father has arranged a set of business meetings at which both my and B’s presence would be required. I’ll have to tell my angel today, as the first of these meetings occurs this afternoon.

And so perhaps all of these issues should lead me to be apprehensive. But my dominant emotion this morning is relief. I need him like a drug…his lips, his hair, the way he looks at me. The need in his voice. The way he sounds when he’s pressing himself against me, when he comes.

The way it feels to fall asleep with him surrounding me.

I am very excited about Halloween tomorrow!!

I don't have plans yet besides giving candy out to the kids who come by, but that's what I do every year. But I think Chloe might be planning something. She didn't ask me outright if I wanted to do something, but she went to great lengths to find out if I was free tomorrow or not. It was very cute to see her go all investigative reporter on me--you know, getting information out of me without me noticing :). I can't wait to see what she's come up with. I hope it's romantic. Sigh.

Chloe and I talked about the conversation I had with my neighbor. I told her everything besides what my neighbor confided in me. Even though this is another secret that's between us, and I really didn't want this to happen again, I cannot break the promise I gave to him. If, or rather when, she finds out I hope she will understand it. I wouldn't expect her to do anything differently if she were in my shoes.

My neighbor looked better in school today than he has the entire week, so I wonder if he has talked to the millionaire. Of course we couldn't talk about that at school with all these people around but I'm dying to know if they made up! I'm tempted to just call next door and ask but I don't want to push him. He'll let me know when he's ready to talk about it.

Huh, guess I had more to say than I thought :)

private post

I'm still here, in Gotham, watching my beloved Jody as she sleeps next to me. The doctors here have been great. More than great. I guess you could say that it's them I owe the best night of my life to. And Bruce. had it not been for him, I doubt that Jody would be here now.

She's so fantastic, and beautiful. My love, my heart.

The past few days I've spent more time with Jody than I could ever have dreamed possible after everything that's happened recently. We talked and kissed and spent time wandering through the gardens here at the mansion, looking in all of the old rooms, full of historical art. today, we were in the gardens, when we kissed. It was unlike any kiss I'd ever had. Full of desperation, and longing, with a hint of sadness that just drew me deeper into it. I ran my fingers through her golden hair as the sunlight danced across it, and pulled her closer to me. Looking into her eyes I knew that this would be the night. She was the one I loved, and she loved me. I wanted to show her how beautiful she was to me, how much I loved her.

I took her up to the mansion and arranged dinner for us both while she slept to get her required rest as the doctors ordered. Then at 8 o clock, she came downstairs, dressed for dinner. God she looked fantastic. A lovely long midnight blue dress covered the length of her body, enhancing her shapely figure. I could see the material caressing her skin as she moved. We ate together at the table, a meal that, thank god, I didn't pick or we'd have hated it. Bruce picked the meal for us, and arranged the setting. In the short time we've been here, he's been a great host. But this isn't about him. This is for me, so that I can remember everything.

We curled up together on the sofas after dinner, and listened to music I've never heard before. It sounded like opera. Whatever it was, it just enhanced the feeling that was in the air. the uncertainty, the hesitation as I leaned into her and kissed her fully on the lips. Her mouth joined mine in a slow tempo of nervousness, and our tongues danced across each others as we moved and moaned into each other. When she drew back, I suddenly forgot everything. My entire life flew out of the window at that second, and I just was... with her. There was nothing else that mattered more, no one else that mattered more. I took her hand and led her to the room where I had slept beside her, watching her through the long nights for the past few days.

We drew on each others energy and nerves and everything just seemed to fall into place. I lay her down and undressed her gently, like I was unwrapping a statue, her skin was soft and supple under my touch, and she moved as I traced patterns across her flesh with my fingertips and then my mouth, butterfly kisses caressing every inch of the satin of her skin as I took of my own clothes and heated at the sensation of skin on skin. She ran her fingers over me, and we kissed and moaned more. And when I looked at her and she nodded her approval at my unspoken request her eyes drifted shut and her head rolled back as my fingers entered her and brought her to her first state of pleasure.

I just remember the heat after that , it consumed us and set us alight with a passion I’ve only ever read about but now understand. Her skin tasted of sweet peaches, and strawberries. And I tasted it all, savouring her flavours before I realised that I could only hold out so long. Her lying in our bed, waiting for me and moving to my touches drove me wild with desire. I wanted everything. I kissed her, and whispered her name as her fist closed around my erect length, and she started stroking me to the rhythm of my fingers entering her. When she looked into my eyes and asked me to make love to her, I felt as if I would explode from the inside, out. I lay gently over her, and she guided me into her with her hand.

So hot, so sweetly tight and warm and wet.

And then I felt it happen, her hymen broke around me, and I felt her fluids gush over me, and we took each other in, her pain and passion, became our pleasure, and I moved inside her, and she met me thrust for thrust, and when we came together, we became more. We became one. I went to heaven and found myself still in her arms when I woke after what seemed like an eternity.

And now, I watch her, as she breathes gently and evenly in her dreamless sleep, content and peaceful in my arms for the last time.

So, as planned, I spoke with my angel last night about the new situation with B. He seemed to take it reasonably well. I’m sure he was holding back, though. But then, so am I. It would appear that to be together we both need to fight our natural instincts. And yet, the overwhelming drive is for us to be together.

The meeting starts shortly and, to be honest, I am looking forward to seeing B. The email about which my angel got so upset at least smoothed the way for B and I to settle our friendship. He never intended my angel to see it. For B, it was quite an extensive apology.

Neither B nor I are sure why my father has arranged these meetings. He is no doubt up to something. It’s a fair amount of responsibility for him to place in me. I’d like to feel flattered by it, but knowing my father there is some reason beyond a newly developed belief in my business acumen. However, B and I will handle the situation as we see fit. Whatever my father has in mind is irrelevant. Perhaps my father will realize that I am perfectly capable of handling such a situation.

Hush my darling
Don't cry my darling
The lion sleeps tonight

Details of the Halloween party, tomorrow. Do you know how long it took me to type "tomorrow"? Twice?

I spent the day with LL. We went horseback riding. It was great. I could be myself, and she seemed very comfortable with me. It was nice to hear her laugh, and I had so much fun. She told me that CS went to the big city. I told her about mending fences with Lex, although I didn't give details.

I have to admit she looked real beautiful, and I think I stared a lot. I laughed a lot too. She is funny when she gets going.

I didn't want to pry too much into her private life. She did tell me that for Halloween they went to a grave yard and told ghost stories. Then they had a picnic in an abandoned house. It sounds like she had a great time. I stayed home and handed out candy to the little monsters. :)

I'm really happy for the both of them. A part of me thinks that it would have been nice if something more had happened between LL and me, but then I wouldn't have Lex. A very big part of me is very glad I have Lex.

By the time we got back from the ride it was almost five. I had such a great time. LL is really nice. I wish we'd gotten to know each other sooner.

~~

Now I am totally bored. I did my homework at least fifty times. I'm not happy with the essay I wrote for history class. I think I'll have to do it again. I've been hiding since I got back from riding. I'm not in the mood for chores. It's given me a lot of time to think about everything that has been happening to me over the last week.

I haven't seen Lex all day. I want to go over, but I know he has that business meeting stuff going on. PR hasn't been around lately. I think I'll give him a call tomorrow to see if he wants to do something.

At dinner my mom talked to me about how to handle it when you like somebody 'like that.' It was weird and made even weirder by the fact that my dad was there too. It was hard to talk about it so I just mostly listened. I mean, it's my mom and I know she's thinking of LL. There's no way she would every think that I have turned my eyes elsewhere. I didn't correct her. I just nodded and agreed with her. I asked a few questions in all the right places, and she seemed happy with that.

At least they didn't give me more condoms. I haven't even opened the box they gave me the first time we talked.

Anyway, I'm off to see Lex. He spent the day in the city, and I know he was with the jerk so I think maybe he needs me to help him unwind. I know just what to do. :)

I just went to tell mom and dad I wanted to go out. They were reading the paper. I think I stayed calm when I saw the picture of Lex, and the jerk on the front of the financial section. My dad made sure to point it out to me. I am staring at it right now. They are shaking hands, and the jerk is standing too close to Lex. I am definitely going over there now!

I will remain calm. I will not run to BW's home, and punch him out. There, I vented. Bastard.

current mood: predatory

friends-locked post

My speculations were right! Chloe had indeed planned a spooky and romantic evening for us :)

She called me in the late afternoon and told me to be ready by 8, and to make sure to wear something warm. I was trying to figure out what she could have possibly planned while giving out candy to the kids who came trick-or-treating, and I was so absent-minded that I gave everyone way too much. We ran out of treats after only half an hour (yes, my aunt wasn’t amused).

Chloe showed up promptly at 8, brimming with excitement. She looked so cute and adorable that I wanted to kiss her right there on my doorstep but of course I didn’t. While we were driving, Chloe made all these cryptic remarks about how she was hoping that whatever she had planned wouldn’t be too overwhelming, and if it was, I had to say it right away.

We drove for quite a while, over dark unlit back roads until she stopped in front of a rusty, iron-wrought gate. It turned out to be an old, forgotten graveyard (hence probably Chloe’s concern of it being too much). I was immediately intrigued. Cemeteries have never frightened me; rather, they were places of comfort. But this graveyard was different–-in the middle of nowhere, abandoned, overgrown, with fog curling around the few visible gravestones. In short, haunting, and maybe even haunted. I have no idea how she found this place. Being a reporter at heart, she had also done some research on the people buried there, so she took me around and told me some of their stories. A fair share of the people died of unnatural causes. Seems like Smallville has always been a place where strange things happened more frequently than in other places. Needless to say, I got a bit scared and was hanging on to Chloe from about the second story onwards. I have a sneaking suspicion that that was part of why she took me there (not that I minded being close to her). After she ran out of stories we just looked at the remaining graves and tried to imagine what those people’s lives had been like. I’m really glad she took me there. It felt as if this place was out of time, like a fairy tale that has come to life. I almost expected goblins to appear from behind the trees.

The second part of the evening was no less amazing than the first. After Chloe got a picnic basket out of the trunk, she took me to an abandoned house near the graveyard. It was old, too, maybe as old as the graveyard itself. She had been there earlier in the day since candles were set up all over the place, and wood was stacked in the fireplace. Once the fire got going and all the candles were burning, it was very cozy in the little house. We spread out a blanket and ate. Although the food was a little random–-almost as if she had raided her fridge and pantry–-it was all very nice. And we had s’mores for dessert. Chloe got some of that melted chocolate on her lips, and I couldn’t resist kissing it away. She tasted like heaven, chocolatey and sweet. I realized this was our first kiss since we had made up, and that made it all the more special. Of course we didn’t stop at one kiss. We were lying down on the blanket pretty quickly and hands were wandering...sigh. I should invest in some new underwear. All I have is so bland and in no way exciting.

I wish Chloe was here now, but she is in Metropolis for the weekend. Her cousin, who is in school there, insisted she come visit her so that Chloe can get a break from things here, and because there is this big business meeting going on that she is covering for her school (apparently, it involves the millionaire and some other young, rich guy from Gotham). Chloe’s cousin actually wanted her to come on Friday but Chloe said she had plans with me. I don’t know if Chloe is going to tell her cousin about us. I wouldn’t mind, really, because from what Chloe told me about her, she would be really cool about it. I think it would be good if each of us had someone to talk to about us, me with my neighbor, and she with her cousin.

Even if I agree it’s good for Chloe to be away this weekend, I miss her an awful lot. Since we had that fight I've found myself wanting to be with her as much as possible. Eighteen hours until she gets back...

Today nothing much happened. I helped my aunt in the store in the morning, and then in the afternoon, my neighbor dropped by to ask me if I wanted to go riding. I knew he was pretty descent at riding but I had actually never seen him on a horse until this afternoon. He is really good! Well, definitely good enough to keep up with me ;).

We had a wonderful time together. At first we talked about our other halves for a little while--I told him about my evening with Chloe and he told me about talking to the millionaire (apparently it went okay but they are still on somewhat shaky ground). And then he blushed so I assume that beside the making up there was some making out :). Well, good for them.

After we had gotten those updates out of the way, it was all about being there together--outside, with the sun shining and nowhere to be for hours. It seemed almost possible to just go on towards the horizon forever, with the wind edging us on to go faster.

We got back in the late afternoon, completely exhausted but happy.

The doctors cleared her health, and she’s well on her way to getting back to normal. I stayed in the mansion with her until all the living arrangements and relocations were sorted out. Then I went with her in the car that dropped her at her new house, and watched as she hugged her father, and turned to me and smiled.

I’m going to miss her so much.

Knowing that I can’t be with her now, again, for her own safety, is going to be really hard. It’ll kill me for a while I’m sure. I really do love her more than I imagined I could love anyone. Which is why I had to let her go.

When Cassandra died, she left me a package. Tonight at home, after coming back from my last hours with Jody, I opened it. The box itself was empty, but the note she left scared me as much as I thought it would have done when she gave me the wrapped package and told me I’d know when it was time to open it.

The note itself was short, but made perfect sense.

In order to live you have to love, and in order to love, sometimes you have to let go. Have faith that she’ll be safe Peter. Know it in your heart that she loves you and always will, as much as you love her. Know that you did the right thing, that you protected her from the evil that wanted her for its own devices. Know that you are her hero. And that she’ll be happy.

Thanks for never wanting to know the future.

C

I have been away for a long time and I'm really sorry about that. I will explain later.

*hugs*

No details of the Halloween party. All I have left is a headache and a vague recollection of falling asleep in the midst of something that would've been very, very interesting. Children, let that be a warning to you, not to mix prescription pills, alcohol, and "Herbal Cold Medication", for those of you who know what that is.

After conversing with him through several posts I bravely (read: foolishly) listed my username in a recent comment. His reaction bordered on sarcasm, yet honestly, it cannot be construed as malicious. I just don't know...

The Smallville Diaries - Week Oct 26 - Nov 1, 2003