The Smallville Diaries - Week Sept 14 - Sept 20, 2003

Sun 14

freak4ever

1:14 a.m.

Current Mood: confused

more LL and bad dreams

I just woke up from another bad dream.

This one was really weird. but before I talk about the dream.

LL came by tonight. She stayed for a while and we talked about so many things. She's really smart, and has so much to say about everything. She's on the cheerleading squad at school. She told me about how her mother was a cheerleader too. I mostly just listened. I really don't have a very exciting life. I told her about the farm and some stories about how I had to chase the cows one night when they escaped.

Anyway, she smelled like jasmine and wore the nicest pink top and blue jeans. She looked very nice. I kept wishing I could lean in and kiss her. I have to admit I was staring at her a lot. I mean she is so pretty, and she was wearing her hair down tonight. I think I smiled a lot too. I hope she didn't think I'm a freak or anything.

My mom interrupted us, and told me to get to bed. So LL had to leave. I had such a great time. She thanked me, and put her hand on my arm. I watched until she was out of site. My mom gave me this funny look. After, when I was alone in bed I thought about LL and everything she'd said and done. It was a very exciting night. :)

My mom caught me typing in my lj. I think I hid it but I'm not sure. She might have seen something before I had a chance to shut down the monitor. She didn't ask me about it.

I had the nightmare again about being up on the cross. I was wearing the necklace and this time when AJL came to rescue me, I fell into his arms. Then suddenly we were in his castle and I was hugging him.

I have to go take care of some stuff.

tabloidboy

8:42 p.m.

Well, you’ll be glad to hear that after a few hours yesterday I finally stopped drinking. I came to some sort of clarity. I realized that if I have decided not to act on my feelings for my angel, which I have, then I need to come to peace with that decision. It’s not enough to just say it, I have to accept it.

I’m not deluded enough to think I can just stop feeling the way I do. But I need to get myself into a place where it’s not such a crisis.

I think there is something else going on here, as well. I’m not really used to having a friend like my angel. Not that I haven’t had friends over the years. But the type of friendship that he and I could share – it’s unfamiliar to me, to say the least. In some ways it’s easier to think about all the things we could do on that pool table than to just be with him, to teach him how to play pool and answer his genuine questions.

And I think it is really worth it for me to face this fear.

So at some point yesterday I realized that drinking myself into nothingness was not the way to handle this situation. (I know, I know, it sounds obvious, but these self-destructive tendencies run deep in me.) I called my cook and had her make some soup, the only thing I could fathom eating. I set up in my sitting room with soup, and – well livejournal seems to be a supportive environment for fans, so I might as well come out as one – the newest release of Warrior Angel DVDs, and all in all wallowed, but in what I’m sure you will agree is a much healthier manner. And now I even feel somewhat human and might actually venture outside my castle by tomorrow. Which is a positive development as I do have a business to run.

For those of you who wrote in, thank you for your comments, both for being supportive and for suggesting that I was perhaps not handling this in the right way.

anotherlife

12:41 am

Current Mood: content

Finally!

I had already been in bed but was way too excited to sleep so I'm making a short post now so that I can hopefully go to sleep afterwards.

My plan worked out! I went over to my neighbor as soon as my aunt left, and we talked for a while. He was really happy to see me, especially after I had to cancel this morning (he sounded so sad on the phone). We went up to his loft and had a wonderful conversation.

I'm so happy now. This is a really good thing with him, I can feel it. I just hope that in the future, it'll be easier for us to meet. Well, more about our evening tomorrow!

Good night, everyone :)

12:06 pm

Current Mood: determined

Getting to know him

So, about last night. Our first really long conversation.

I should start by saying that my BF ended up not having time to do something, thank god (remember he had left three messages while I was out with my aunt?). He had an emergency strategy session with the football team. I was so relieved when he called about that because I didn’t want to have to lie to him, especially not after the talk we just had the other day. But obviously I couldn’t have told him about seeing my neighbor.

I snuck out as soon as my aunt’s car was out of sight. Oh, this might sound silly but I put on a new top for our meeting. I know, it wasn’t a date, but it was a special occasion, plus I thought he might like it. He did :). Actually, he stared at me quite a bit, which was very cute because he was so embarrassed about it. He blushed a lot. I am beginning to believe he really does have a crush on me. But I don’t think it’s anything too serious. Just an infatuation. It’s kind of flattering though, I have to admit.

Once we got over the initial awkwardness, we finally got to talk about some of the things that had been going around in my mind for a while. I told him a few things about my parents, like that my mom was a cheerleader too. I think he really liked hearing the story, and I am so grateful for that because whenever I bring up my parents with my other friends, or even my BF, they have this look in their eyes, like, “Oh, here we go again”. It hurts so much. They don’t understand. Yes, this was a long time ago but no, I’m not over it. I think they just don’t get what it’s like to not have your parents around when you grow up. My neighbor understands because he never knew his real parents either. I think it bothers him.

He told me a story about how he had to go chasing after cows one day. It was really funny because he was basically reenacting the chase for me, so he ran around the loft after imaginary cows :). He also talked about his new friend, the millionaire (I think I mentioned him before–he is the one who gave me the hint about the scarecrow incident). I didn’t have too high an opinion about the millionaire before but according to what my neighbor said, he’s a cool guy. We talked about him for quite a while. My neighbor seems quite excited about him, and it’s not because he is rich or anything, so I think I’ll have to give him (the millionaire) another chance. It’s likely that if he and my neighbor become close friends, I’ll get to know him better as well. That’s a nice prospect because it’s really hard to get to know new people in our town. It’s as if everyone is stuck in their little box and you can’t get out of it. And I feel like my box is getting a bit too tight for me.

Mon 15

freak4ever

8:33 a.m.

Current Mood: lonely

invasions

I had the nightmare again. Only this time AJL left me in the field. He just shook his head and left me there.

I need for them to stop. I was too busy this weekend to write here. I'm trying to do it every day, but it just isn't happening.

I went to look at IT lastnight.

My dad showed IT to me when he told me the truth of where I come from. IT just feels cold, and lonely. I sat, and stared at IT for a long time.

I feel so alone right now. I think maybe I'm going to see if AJL is busy this afternoon.

I just called his place. It's kind of early but I thought maybe he might be available. He wasn't. The person who answered told me he was indisposed what ever that means.

Anyway, maybe I'll stay after deliveries today.

Gotta get to school. I think I missed the bus again.

ps I'll have to answer your really nice comments later sorry :) lj was being mean last night.

6:21 p.m.

Current Mood: angry

Days and days

I have had the worst day at school today. I tried to stay calm, but man sometimes I just want to punch something. I saw LL today. She was with WF. He gave me the dirtiest look when she wasn't looking. I hate it. I am not even hitting on her or anything. I just want to be friends with her. Okay, it's true I wish I could have something more with her, but he has her and I don't so why is he bugging me.

She looked like she wanted to talk to me but because of him I could only say hi and wave. And my best friend isn't making things easier. PR taunts me all the time and it's just joking around. Usually I don't care, but this time it really hit a nerve. I had to get out of there before I did punch WF.

I called AJL during lunch. He was there this time. I pretended to be calling about the produce delivery. I'm staying after so we can play pool again. I really want to talk to him about everything. I want to tell him about myself too, but I know that isn't possible.

tabloidboy

3:54p

I just spoke with my angel. Apparently he also called this morning, while I was having a massage. He was told that I was indisposed. I’m sure you will be pleased to know that I stopped short of firing the staff member who misguidedly carried out this task. If this had been a couple of days earlier, they would surely have been out on the street before they realized what happened. However, I did issue a stern warning. If my angel calls, he is to be put through to me immediately. If this happens again, well…my staff has now had fair warning and jobs will be lost.

But on to the more important point. I don’t know why my angel called, twice. When I actually spoke with him, it didn’t sound like he had anything urgent to speak with me about, but he did seem…off, somehow. Like something was wrong. He sounded sad.

He’ll be coming over this afternoon, in just a couple of hours, to play pool. Perhaps he’ll tell me what it’s about then.

In the meantime, I’m headed to the plant to check up on a couple of things. Those of you who said that work would prove a good distraction were correct. All in all, the past weekend feels like it was a bad dream.

11:26p

Well, it’s a long story, best told over a glass of scotch. You might need it. I know I do.

This evening wasn’t what I anticipated. It wasn’t where I thought I was headed.

I rushed back from the plant to see my angel. Probably broke a few speed limits. I’m sure I broke them all, actually. That’s nothing new.

When I got back to the castle, he had just arrived. He was unloading vegetables just outside the gate. I pulled up by his truck and we leaned on my car. We sat and talked for a moment, and…it was just a perfect moment. I wasn’t worrying, I wasn’t thinking too much. We just were.

But then I heard the clicking. Saw the flash.

For those of you who think my username is an exaggeration, I assure you it is not. When I realized that a fucking journalist was there taking pictures, I…well I’m sure it’s obvious by now that I have a temper. No matter what resolutions I may make about control, and holding back, staying rational… well they didn’t mean a fucking thing in that moment. They just evaporated. The next thing I knew, I was in that journalists face, grabbing his camera, launching it at the ground, where it broke into many satisfying pieces.

This is not something I would have preferred my angel to see.

I told the journalist to get the fuck out. Threatened his job. Swore that I would find him. It’s a threat that I will most likely carry out, even though he left camera-less.

I can’t say my angel looked very happy about any of this. Though he assured me that he was okay, that he was only concerned for me. But I am sure I altered his opinion of me. Well, if he was going to be around me much, he would have seen this side of me eventually.

So that’s enough of a story for you, isn’t it? But it’s only the beginning.

We went inside and he…he asked me about it…about the reporters, about what it’s like for me. It was as if he had never thought about it until that moment. Which was kind of stunning. I mean, I know he treats me like a normal person, but I am so used to people thinking of me foremost as…this other kind of person, a tabloid freak, that I think I had partially thought he was putting those feelings aside, to protect me. But it was as if this was the first time he had ever thought of me that way at all.

And then he touched me. Hands on my arms. So warm. Perhaps he was trying to ground me. I think he wanted to hug me. But I just couldn’t…well I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t break away and I couldn’t touch. I was just frozen.

But it was only for a moment, and then we started to play pool. He was amazingly better than he had been last time. And it wasn’t awkward like before. Despite the whole camera incident, once we were playing pool again it felt natural, it felt nice. Like our conversation earlier, at my car, before that damn journalist made himself known.

And so, as we were finishing, I took a risk and asked him what had been wrong before. He had come to me for a reason, called me upset, and I wanted to help if I could. He told me about wanting to hit his crush’s boyfriend. Now that I could identify with.

And then he told me about his dreams.

He is having recurring nightmares about the being strung up in that field. I’m not surprised, as it is definitely nightmare material. But he said that in his dreams, no one came for him. I didn’t come for him. For some reason this made me intensely sad. I did find him. I was there. I don’t want to be written out.

I wanted to tell him that I have recurring nightmares too. From my own moment of aloneness and horror in a cornfield. It scarred my mind just as it has my body. But I couldn’t tell him. Not yet. As much as I trust him, as much as I believe him to be a true friend, I just…couldn’t.

But he seemed so upset. I needed to do something. To let him know, without words, that I understood. The only thing I could think to do was touch him. Or rather, I didn’t really think about it. I just reached out. I wanted to comfort him, to let him know that he wasn’t alone. And for a moment we sat there like that, my hand on his knee.

Then suddenly he pulled away, said he had to leave. He was smiling and apologetic, but all the same, he left.

I’ve tried not to break down from this. I stared at spreadsheets. I even pushed dinner around on my plate. And now, with only one glass of scotch, no more, I promise, I’m writing this marathon post, in the hopes that it will make me feel a bit better. I would really like to sleep tonight.

anotherlife

10:48 pm

Current Mood: lonely

Contemplations

I have been thinking.

I was out riding today after school to clear my head, or at least order my thoughts. I didn’t have any time yesterday (homework, extra cheerleading practice, my BF) and I felt like my head was about to explode. Everything was, and still is, so jumbled.

chaeysa’s comment made me realize that I shouldn’t have dismissed my neighbor’s crush. I feel bad now, especially because I hate it when people don’t take me seriously. So I have been trying to figure out how strong his feelings for me are but I haven’t been able to tell. We’ve only talked a couple of times, and besides the staring and the blushing, he hasn’t shown me that he is seriously interested in me. I know that he’s shy, and that, while he probably isn’t afraid of my BF, he doesn’t want to risk my BF’s anger directed towards him, which are good reasons for why he hasn’t tried to make a move on me. Not that I would want that but....well...I guess I’m a bit at a loss here. But I also don’t want to bring it up with him because that would just be weird. We don’t know each other that well. Maybe I’ll just see how things go. I saw my neighbor at school today but we didn’t have a chance to talk because my BF was sort of hovering over me the entire day. I don’t think that had anything to do with my neighbor, though. My BF is a bit anxious about the upcoming game even if he doesn’t want to admit it.

This brings me to the other thing I’ve been contemplating. Maybe some of you wonder why I stay with him if I have all these issues about him. Well, that’s a good question. As I said before, he’s nice guy. He has a good heart despite of what he did. And he loves me. If I left, it would crush him. I can’t just break up with him. I know how terrifying it is when people you are close to leave you behind (it has happened to me too often already). I wouldn’t want him to go through that. So if we were to break up, the situation would have to be just unbearable for both of us so that it justifies the pain. The worst thing is that I know that day will come. It’s just a matter of time. I know this sounds so cruel but...well, he is not the One for me. Maybe we will stay together during high school, but beyond that, who knows. I certainly don’t.

I will go to the graveyard later. I haven’t been there in a while. It always comforts me to be near them, and I feel really alone right now.

lions_den

07:02 pm

Current Mood: nauseated

Current Music: Peggy Lee - Is That All There Is

I went to my doctor today. He told me I had chemical imbalance and gave me pills, but they make me sick. More than that, they make me slow. I don't plan on taking them.

Tues 16

freak4ever

12:18 a.m.

Current Mood: guilty

Another game of pool

(this is a friends locked post.)

I'm finally home and getting ready for bed but I had to get some things off my chest.

I had to go back and friends lock some of my earlier posts for certain reasons.

I went to see AJL today and while we were talking in front of his house, a photographer took our picture. I couldn't believe it. Here we were having a private moment, it was really nice and relaxed, and this guy jumps out of nowhere. It was really annoying. AJL got so mad, he smashed the guy's camera and chased him off.

You might be able to tell by this who I am talking about. Please don't say anything if that is the case. He has lived in the spotlight his whole life and I would hate to be the reason he's in the newspapers again.

Anyway after the guy ran off, (AJL threatened him), we went inside. We talked about how little privacy he has in his life and I immediately thought of my LJ and how much I say about him on here. I don't want to get him in trouble. He's a really nice guy and I really like him. I think it bothered him way more than he would admit it. I almost hugged him. I wanted to so badly, but he was really stiff and had this personal space thing going. I didn't want to step into it, and ruin the moment.

We played pool again. I did better this time. He won which is fine. I told him about my dreams sort of. He was really cool about it and everything. It was way harder than I thought it would be. I tried to tell him about how he fit into the dreams. I just ended up saying that nobody saved me. That I was left out there. He was really concerned. I'm glad this is friends only because I have to confess something. The dreams have kind of turned weird. I wake up each time a little excited. That's never happened to me before.

When I was over at AJL's place he touched my leg to comfort me only it had another effect, it made me kind of excited. I was so embarrassed. I'm pretty sure he didn't notice, but I had to leave right after. I made up a stupid excuse about my dad needing the truck and ran. I felt bad because he looked really concerned.

When I got home I stayed in my loft for a couple of hours. My mom and dad were out so I took care of myself there. I don't know what to think. Why is my body reacting like this? Why am I feeling this? It's not fair. AJL is counting on me to be his friend, and I'm having those kinds of dreams about him. I need to stop this now.

I have to go to sleep now. I hope I don't have the dream again.

10:32 a.m.

Current Mood: scared

This is only for me

(private post - comment at sv_journals)

Even though only I can read this, I've never written it down before. its going to look weird.

I'm an alien!

and I think I might like Lex that way.

plus floated again this morning. I dreamed that I was in the field and Lex came to save me. He untied me, except when I fell to the ground the necklace stayed on. I tried to tell him to get it off, but he didn't understand me.

The meteor rocks hurt me. They came with me and it's all my fault that everybody is getting hurt by them.

Sometimes I really hate my life.

There, I got it off my chest but it didn't seem to help.

Off to forget again.

8:25 p.m.

Current Mood: blah

Oh

A very boring day at school. I rushed home so I wouldn't have to see or talk to anybody.

I saw this on one of my friend's LJ. sugarrush2003

Not much of a surprise.

Shy Flirt
What Kind of FLIRT are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Now I'm sitting in my room waiting for the day to end, and checking out some of my friends on LJ. There's some really nice people out there. My connection is so slow right now and every time I try to reply to one of the comments you left, it screws up.

PR was too busy with the football team to hang today. Oh well. So was LL. She's on the cheerleading squad. I might have already mentioned that. I haven't seen AJL since the other night. I'm not holding off, I just need time to think about what's been happening. I need space.

I wish I could call him.

lions_den

04:59 pm

My son got in trouble with someone, again, and I had to pay them money to keep it quiet and out of the press. Again.

It's not so much the money, it's just my son's lack of control that's worrying me. I thought he was getting better now that he has other things on his mind - a new job and a new obsession/crush - but he just loses his temper so easily.

ordinary_guy

10:04 am

Current Mood: hyper

Woah!

(Friends only post)

Clo's gonna kill me when she comes back and has nothing to read!! LOL! Anyhow. What can I say? It's been a hell of a busy coupla days. Coach has been ragging on the team like a mad man. We've got an important game coming up, and he's all stressed about it. If we lose, he'll be pissed, so I guess we'd better not. We've been practising non stop near enough. Literally every spare minute round studying and missing Clo, I've been on the field gettin my ass kicked by the other guys on the team. I swear sometimes I'm too short to play, and I'll probably end up on the bench anyway, but it's like dad always says - you never know unless you try - and I'm really trying to get down with the football. To be honest though, while I love doing it, and I love sport I'd rather be shootin' hoops with CK, and just having fun hanging with the guys y'know?

It just all seems like so much effort for a game.

On another note (which is quite cool) I got myself a date last week. We had a nice time, went to a movie, had a couple of drinks, but it's weird.... I couldn't stop thinking about Clo. I wanted to be spending time with her, watching the movie with her. I can't even remember what it was we saw. I know Denise wasn't all that impressed with my lack of interest though. She doesn't want to see me again. I'm not surprised. Now I wish I'd just gone to see CK, but he'd have just asked why I didn't want a date with a hottie. 'Sides he was probably busy anyways. I know he was doing some stuff for Clo.

See! There I go again. And I go on about her talking about CK in her LJ all the time, like she's madly in love with him or.... No, don't even go there... She's just a friend, a very good, very intelligent, attractive female who happens to be one of my best friends. That's it. That's all

I hope she's having a good time in Metropolis. Her cousin, who she's gone to see, is a journalist, and Clo really wants to be a journalist - I think it's her destiny - and anyway, she's good at it, she should be one. Hopefully this time away has helped her out some...

Anyway, gotta run. I have class. And Clo will go mad at me if she knows I've used her precious computer for this instead of working on the paper!

Catch ya later..

Wed 17

freak4ever

11:53 p.m.

Current Mood: excited

Made the team

She's barely back one day, and already everybody wants to hurt her.

CS is back. I thought it would be uncomfortable but we both just acted like nothing had happened. I gave her a great big hug, and after that it was smooth sailing. What got her on every jock's most wanted list was an article she wrote for the school paper. I have no idea how she managed it, but she got it to press this morning. She even laughed about getting hate mail. Can you believe that! She totally freaks me out sometimes. I swear I have to keep an eye on her every second I'm at school. Who else would do it?

She calls all the football players jock-straps which I think is totally hilarious. PR doesn't share my sense of humor. It's just a harmless name. I just ignore it. Plus, hey, called worse names in my time.

I did it. I joined the football team. My dad is totally pissed. He ordered me to quit, but I defied him.

I was scared at first, but he made me so mad. He doesn't trust me at all. It hurts to know that. My mom stayed out of it. She's smart. My dad is so stubborn. I don't care. I defied him. I had to. He's never going to give me the chance to prove myself. And how am I supposed to prove myself if he never gives me the chance.

I played my first game today at practice. It was amazing. I loved it. I'm playing the tailback position, (Just like my dad did).

LL wasn't there.

My dad showed up, but only to make sure I didn't hurt anybody. I thought I did pretty good, but dad didn't seem to care. He left before practice ended. I was pretty disappointed. Why does he have to do that? He makes me feel like a little kid again.

After practice I saved the principal's life. He was trapped in a burning car. I didn't get hurt at all, and the principal is going to be okay, but when I got home my dad freaked. I was totally careful and all he could do was be suspicious that I screwed up somehow.

I really love my dad but sometimes he just makes me so sad. The way he's always acting like I don't know what I'm doing. It's my body! I know how to control my abilities! He has no idea what it takes. So much of it is just subconscious. Isn't it that way for everybody? I mean we all have to be careful when we hold things.

I'm pretty tired actually. I loved being out there on the playing field. It was this amazing rush. I just wish my dad hadn't left before the game was over.

It doesn't matter. What ever I say, he's never going to trust me. He's always going to use the same excuses. I'm so sick of them. All my life it's all I've ever had to do. I was never allowed to play with other kids. PR is the only friend I have for a reason. When I was growing up I never went to birthday parties except his. I didn't even have my own birthday parties. Not that we even know when my birthday is anyway.

Sorry, I sound really whiny. I'm just really upset. On top of all this AJL is too busy being businessy to see me. Not that I didn't expect that. I mean he is a gown-up.

I had coffee with PR, and CS, and LL was there as a waitress. I was so shocked. I couldn't believe it! She quit the cheerleading squad. She loves cheerleading. Now I won't get to see her at the games. That was one of the reasons I wanted to play. Okay, I know, but I can't help it. I was hoping for more time around her. Although WF, who is now my team mate, didn't saying anything at all to me about it.

CS took off just as we were sitting down for a cup of coffee. I probably should have followed her. She has this knack for getting into trouble, but I wanted to stay, and be near LL. Plus I was hoping AJL would make an appearance. I kind of miss him. After all the great advice I was given by the people on my friends list, I know I'm ready to face him without embarrassing myself. Oh well, maybe I'll see him tomorrow. Maybe I should call him again, tell him about the football stuff. He might not understand. After all, I'm playing with the guys who turned me into this years scarecrow.

tabloidboy

12:49 a.m.

Today wasn’t so terrible. I tried not to dwell on yesterday. I have enough work concerns to keep my mind busy, and I know I need to be on my best game to deal with my dad, which I will undoubtedly have to do at some point soon, even if it’s only over the phone. So I am trying to stay focused, eyes on the prize and all that crap.

My angel is always in the back of my mind, but I know there will be time to give into that later.

He called tonight. To apologize for running out on me. He sounded so earnest and concerned. And it was just nice to hear his voice.

I do think that, as some of you suggested, perhaps yesterday didn’t go as badly as I thought. No, it wasn’t easy. But I would guess that friendships rarely are. Not when I’m involved, at any rate.

So if anything, I’m feeling realistic. Resigned. And exhausted. My bed is calling me, and I am hopeful that I might actually get some sleep tonight.

11:52p

I’m expecting the shit to hit the fan any time now. Dear old dad might even pay me a visit, as I’m sure I have earned his disapproval once again.

But chances are he won’t bother. Yesterday he sent his drones to reprimand me instead. And perhaps that’s actually worse. When they look at me, I know all they see is a spoiled brat, a rich kid running a factory into the ground. I see the judgment in their eyes. But then again, they make no attempt to hide it. They want me to know exactly what they think of me.

Someday they will learn what a mistake it is to underestimate me.

And my dad will realize he shouldn’t have sent me away. I know he did it to try to control me – or rather, to try to control me without having to look at me.

But since I’ve gotten here, I feel such a release, being away from him. I’ve started making my own decisions, and I think they are the right ones. But my father will only be able to see that I am not doing things his way. That, once again, his freak of a son is acting out against him. What he doesn’t realize is that this has nothing to do with him. These decisions are mine. This plant is mine. And its success will be mine too.

grlf_reporting

01:58 am

Current Mood: awake

Girl F is back: the late late edition

As soon as I arrived home, I konked out! I got in at about 6pm, and then I just collapsed in my bed. I didn't see or talk to anyone. Just walked in and went straight to sleep.

I just woke up now. It's 2am, and I'm wide awake, so I thought I'd kill time by writing a little about my stay with my cousin in the city.

On the professional level, Lois and I spent most of our weekday working hours networking:

First, she took me on a tour of her campus, introduced me to the entire journalism department (only the best University has to offer)! They have the most comprehensive and in-depth program there, and their degree is backed up by tons of expertise gained in the field for the duration of your four years there! I've completely made up my mind that this is where I'm attending college! That means I'll have to work extra hard to get some scholarships based on my academics and my editorial experience. Her school is definitely the place to go!

After that, she took me to the most exciting stop for us both in the city, because we got to tour the pressrooms of what we consider one of the largest and most reputable metropolitan newpapers in the world! (Lois has a college internship there starting in January.) We both got to meet the editor of the paper! He talked to us for a while and reviewed samples of our work that we had brought with us. Then, he asked if I'd be interested in possibly doing a high school internship next year in the summer! I nearly fell through the floor, but after stuttering a moment, I managed a simple resounding affirmative. :)

No one knows about this yet, but I can't wait to tell my friends tomorrow when I return to school! (*sigh* I missed my office!... Damn, the paper is really going to be backlogged!) CK and Pete are going to freak when they hear! They'll never believe I got offered a summer job at this internationally-distributed newspaper! It won't be as a reporter, of course, but for this opportunity, I'd mop the halls and get everyone lunch if that's what it took! Hey, they say the best way into any place is the ground floor ;)

The reporters convention was the pinnacle of excitement on the professional end of my trip! There were so many connections made between the two of us that I think over the course of the two days it ran, we had the entire media gamut covered! I have a list of names and numbers at least four pages long with contact info, but I think for me, it was kind of a moot point since my dream internship seems in the bag for summertime! It never hurts to have as many contacts as possible though. Lois and I handed out every copy of a hundred portfolios full of articles we had written and updated copies of our credentials.

All in all, the whole career portion of the visit was a gigantic success!

Weeknights were meant for fun! Lois took me out for several nights on the town:

The first night, we ate at an upscale Moroccan restaurant. Just one of the many international meals I had while submerged in the cultural diversity of the city. Lois was really familiar with all the dishes no matter where we went, because she's traveled all over the world with her father.

On the second night I was there, she impulsively ducked into a tattoo parlor. She's old enough to get one now, and she already got one a couple years ago when she was underage. Then, it was mainly a rebellious thing though. (Her father's a General in the service and she did just about anything to defy him and any other type of authority when she was in high school... In fact, she pretty much went after anyone who tried to tell her what to do. Gotta love my cousin!)

When she was 16, she had gotten a celtic design on her lower back, right at the small of it and in the middle. The pain must have killed her, but she never said a word the whole three hours it took for them to do it. The tactic worked too, and her father grounded her for two months when he noticed it. (She had purposely worn clothes revealing enough to be considered risque without the tattoo, so she was in it deep that time.)

This time she just wanted something smaller and simpler. She settled on chinese words. The symbol for strength. It suited her, and visually-speaking, it looked cool. She had it done on her stomach, right under her belly button, took a little less than an hour, and then we were back out on the streets, prowling the hip night scene.

We hit a few swanky clubs, and somewhere along the line got harrassed by a group of very drunken fratboys. That was fun. *rolls eyes* The real action came when one of them was trying to get our attention and just lightly grazed Lois' arm, reaching out to touch her, and that was enough. She turned around and decked him. (God, I love my cousin!) He went down instantly, and his friends just stood there looking dumbfounded. Lois didn't stick around, just lingered long enough to make sure I was following safely behind her. I would've been surprised if I hadn't known that she had defended herself in many a fistfight since elementary school.

Other than that minor incident, we had a blast clubhopping! (We only hit places she knew she could sneak me in, and there were plenty of those.) We scored a couple dances with some relatively cute guys, but we ditched all of them pretty quickly. I'm such a geek, because most of the time I was thinking of all the exposes I could do out of these underground spots alone! Lois kept an eye on me the whole time. (She's vowed to give me some lessons in self-defense training next visit so I will be able to take care of myself if needs be... And if I'm a good reporter, there will plenty of need for it! Have I mentioned how much I love my cousin?!)

Over the weekend, we did more of the same, but we stayed in more at night. During the day on Saturday we saw S.W.A.T. (It was our second choice, though. Lois wanted to see Johnny Depp in Once Upon a Time in Mexico but everywhere we went it was sold out, so we settled for Colin Farrell. Hey, I have no problem with that!) I tried to convince Lois that Colin has this lovable charm while being a good tough guy, but really a macho Johnny is more her style.

Actually, truth be told, her taste in men is... dubious. We spent a whole afternoon trying to track down a guest to the city. Evidently, a famous and reclusive billionaire playboy was spotted around town, and it wasn't who we would have expected it to be (or in other words, it wasn't Richie Rich, whose currently stuck in my town, managing my Dad at work).

PlayBoy was there on business and he was hosting some fundraiser in our city, so of course, he was the top story on everyone's lips. Lois even rushed home to catch the evening news just to see the footage of him (because we failed to even catch a glimpse of him anywhere else). They showed him arriving with like a mini-harem on each arm and some phony half-smirk on his face. God, the man can't even smile right (CK's smile lights up entire rooms, mind you), and Lois is sitting there staring at the screen in awe like she had been hypnotized or something!

Oh, speaking of CK! He called while I was there! Isn't that cool! I really hope that means everything is okay between us, because tensions were riding a little high when I left. (Yeah, I've already admitted to everyone who called me on it, and I'll admit it here again, that I steered myself right into that iceburg and sunk the ship, but I have totally recovered! Believe me, I have so learned my lesson on that!)

There's a reason I never got to find out what CK wanted (which I'm more than slightly annoyed about, but I guess in the end, my cousin was right, even if she was severely biased). He called right in the middle of the media circus that Lois had on covering PlayBoy and his entourage. She was really irritated that the phone wouldn't stop ringing, but after I asked if she wanted me to get it (*ahem*), she got up and disgustedly answered it. She was on and off the phone very fast, and then when she got back to the couch (after she had hung up!) she told me that it was CK.

She didn't even give me a chance to protest or question her on it, because she started to explain right away that obviously, due to recent events, CK and I needed time apart from one another. (Right off the bat, our first night out to dinner, over that Moroccan meal I mentioned earlier, I laid out all my feelings for CK and everything that had happened in the last few weeks while Lois listened. She was pretty insistent that CK isn't worth the time and emotion I'm putting into my relationship with him, or lack thereof.)

Lois met him once when she came to my graduation from junior high, which was just last June, and she was really unimpressed. She still says that he's cute enough, but too geeky and "Smallville" for her tastes. I always just roll my eyes to that and give some sort of "Whatever" remark, because she's been saying that since I pointed him out in our class picture from 7th grade.

Overall, I could just say that I agreed with her about needing space, and I figured I'd just talk to CK when I get back to school tomorrow. Other than that though, Lois doesn't seem to get my interest in him, and I can't understand why I seem to be the only one who realizes how special he is and sees all that stuff in him that just emits sunshine and warmth 24/7! How could anyone help but be drawn to the guy?! Lois' opinions on him just confuse me even more.

Boy, there is just so much to tell here, it's hard to even know where to begin...

Whoa! Holy S**t! It's super late! It's time for me to report to bed, pronto!

This is Girl F signing off for now, but don't worry, tomorrow is another news day :)

[Edit: I've placed this entry behind a cut-tag, because when I posted it I had no idea it would turn out to be so long. Oops! *blushes* Who knew I had so much to say between 2 and 4 o'clock in the morning!]

anotherlife

12:48 am

Current Mood: sleepy

To Go Beyond

I’m so tired right now but I feel like writing. So much going on in my head.

Cheerleading practice seemed to go on forever today. We tried out new cheers for Friday. The first two hours were fine, when the team was still there too. My BF and I exchanged glances during break :). Once the guys were gone, it was just grueling. And not fun at all. I usually really enjoy it but today...well, I don’t know. Guess it was simply too much.

Remember I said a few days ago that I feel like everyone here has their little box and how hard it is to get out of it? Well, I am determined to climb out of my box. There must be so much more to see, to know. I am not sure why I have this urge all of a sudden. I was always happy with where I was, who I was with. But recently I feel like getting to know new people, and trying out new things. I’m not quite sure what to do about this, exactly, but maybe I don’t have to. Maybe something, or someone, will point me into the right direction.

I tried to talk to my neighbor at school today but he seemed sort of evasive. I was trying to find him after school but he must have gone straight home because I didn’t see him anywhere. Maybe he just had a bad day.

Ok, now I really have to go to sleep. There is more to talk about, but when isn’t there?

redhotmama

06:31 pm

My son went against his father's wishes and joined the football team. I am so disappointed that they are not getting along. Clark looks so happy about it and yet he is being just as damn stubborn as "The Bull". He looks good in that uniform just like his dad.I love them both but they can get on my nerves. I feel like taking both of them and beating the living daylights out of them. Of different blood but they are the same kind of stupid sometimes.*g*

Jon is such a good man and he has such a kind heart but he overdoes that protective thing. I get it but I think Clark knows his own body. He never even gives him a chance. God forbid if I were to ever have a daughter. The poor thing would have been locked in her room.

Also I am bored. I think I need to find something to do outside of the house.

Oh and the boy has been talking about our neighbor girl again. She is a sweet, little thing but I dont think thats his type really. I dont like that aunt of hers either. Ill talk about that witch later.I like that Chloe though.Spunky! Reminds me of me in college.

At any rate , I hope this Clark/Jon thing is over soon.

Thur 18

freak4ever

9:17 p.m.

Current Mood: worried

Another freak day for the freak boy

Sometimes I just want a normal day. I was all set to go out to the pep rally for the big game. I had this great talk with my mom just before I left. I think she's on my side about this whole thing, unlike my dad, who's still not talking to me.

The school news office was set on fire, and CS thinks the coach somehow controlled the flames. She gets some pretty crazy ideas sometimes, but I think she might be right. She told me the flames followed her. I was pretty freaked out when I saw that she was trapped in the office and it was on fire. When I got there to help her, the flames had died down.

If anything had happened to her, I don't know what I would have done. I was mad. Unfortunately, the office is a total wash. She was upset. She didn't even care that her life was in danger; all she cared about was the office.

After that, I stopped by the coffee shop to see if LL was working; she was. She looked pretty, and very determined. AJL was there too. We sat and talked. LL got his drink completely wrong, but AJL was cool about it. It was some kind of whipped cream thing. When he drank it, he got some on his nose and lips. It was cute.

LL was too busy to talk so I sat with AJL for a while, and drank my coffee while he sorted through some paperwork. His dad is making him fire a bunch of people, but AJL said he'll try to stop that. He's so good for this town. I mean, if he weren't here, whomever his dad put in charge would have just fired those workers without a second thought. AJL said my rebellion against my father, and LL's own rebellion against her aunt inspired him. I think that is so cool.

We sat for a while. He seemed okay with me just quietly watching him. It was nice. After he packed up, he offered me a ride home. I could have gotten home on my own, but this way was much cooler. He was driving the Ferrari today. I love his cars.

It was a quiet ride. He didn't say anything at all. I wasn't really expecting much, but he seemed preoccupied and kind of sad. He seemed pretty tired too. I'm worried, since he hardly ever seems so out of it.

At first I figured he was thinking a mile a second, about how to save those jobs. He's the kind of person that looks like he's always thinking. I really like that. But I think maybe there was something else going on. Like something more was bothering him. He just seemed so down.

When he dropped me off he just smiled and said see you. I know he saw his dad today. I think he might be a lot more upset than he was letting on. It's late, but I'm going over anyway. I'll think of a good excuse. I need the truck or it might look funny that I showed up without it.

Wish me luck. :)

11:35 p.m.

Current Mood: tired

friendship

(friends locked post)

I'm back from seeing AJL. He was in bad shape. He was drinking and alone. I didn't lecture him or anything. After all, I have no idea what it's like to be him. I have a clue that his life is rough. I just wish I could do something for him. In the mean time, I've decided I'm going to be there for him whenever he needs me.

I was still scared but he looked so sad, and so I finally did it, I hugged him. He didn't really hug back, but he didn't push me away. He told me I would never understand. He's probably right. I'm just a kid and my dad has always been there for me. AJL's dad seems to take pleasure out of riding him.

I just sat and listened. He's really a strong person. I can't imagine having to go through all the things he goes through, and still be able to stand tall.

After that, we just talked quietly about silly stuff; things to take his mind off work, and his father. I held his hand, and I hugged him again. He was much more receptive the second time. I just wish my body had behaved. One word of thanks whispered in my ear, and it was responding to him.

It was nice, and he didn't seem to notice anything strange, not that I pressed up against him or anything. I was just afraid he'd say something.

I'm tired, and I promised CS I would go talk to one of the football players before the big game. She claims he's willing to tell the truth about the football cheating scandal.

Night.

11:37 p.m.

Current Mood: confused

More for just me

(private post comment at sv_journals)

The freak that is Clark Kent

1. strong enough to lift a truck
2. faster than a speeding train
3. able to survive a head-on crash
4. probably gay

I wanted to kiss him. I can say it here where nobody else can see but me. He looked so sad. I think no I'm pretty sure I have a crush on him. A guy that my father hates. I want to do things like hold him, and keep him safe. He's so fragile. Emotionally and physically.

The wonder that is Lex Luthor

1. gorgeous
2. compassionate
3. understanding
4. probably not gay

tabloidboy

2:57 p.m.

For those of you who have been trying to get me to see the other side of things, it’s not going to happen. My father is a bastard. He’s just so fucked up, and if you knew him…

And when he’s here, I just get drawn into the insanity. His screwed up ideas of parenting, they just take over, and I start to believe them, believe him. Believe what he says about me. I absolutely hate that feeling – losing myself, and becoming what he sees me to be. Not an adult. Not a man. Just a disappointment. An emotional child. It’s like my sense of self evaporates when he enters the room.

I try to hold out, to hold my own. But he knows how much power he has over me. He knows it and revels in it. And somehow, in the face of him, I always lose. And I mean literally.

Our last meeting ended with a sword at my throat. What type of father chooses to teach his son a lesson with the blade of a sword? And all of my decisions, you know, the ones I was proud of? Well they are all shot to hell, lost in that fencing match, with the press of that blade against my throat. I don’t know if I am more upset about that, or that this is the only relationship my father and I will ever have. This fucked up thing that leaves me feeling like nothing.

And that will result in many people out of their jobs.

Sometimes I just want to disappear. Wake up as somebody else. Or not wake up at all.

anotherlife

12:50 am

Current Mood: hopeful

First Steps

I quit the cheerleading team and got a job at the Beanery (our local coffee shop).

This day seems to have gone on forever...so much happened. I guess I should start at the beginning. My BF and I had another fight this morning. I didn’t want to argue with him, but I also couldn’t let this slide. I think I mentioned the extra strategy session they had last Saturday? Well, turns out that the stragey wasn’t for the game but for midterms. Yes, the coach gave them the answers for the exams. My BF didn’t take them but some of the other guys did. And he thought that was ok, not a big deal. I couldn’t believe it!! I yelled at him in front of all his friends, that’s how mad I was. I couldn’t even be near him then so I ran off. I was just about to go inside when I saw my neighbor, and his best friends (another guy from the football team and the girl who runs the school newspaper) walk up. I watched them from a distance. They seemed to be getting along so well, laughing all the way. I really like my neighbors’ friends, especially the editor. She seems really cool, and she seems to know what she wants, where she is going. I envy her for that knowledge. Well, maybe I’ll get to know her better through my neighbor.

Anyway, pretty much right then and there I decided to quit cheerleading. I felt so relieved. It was as if I could breathe again. See, my mom was a cheerleader, and so was my aunt, and everyone expected me to continue the tradition. I thought it would make me happy. For a while it did but now I think there must be other things for me to do. Cheerleading seems sort of...well, pointless, to be honest. Needless to say, my aunt was less than pleased when she found out. She said something like me being on a good path, meaning the path she picked out for me. I have to find my own way now.

When I went by the Beanery after school, I saw that they were hiring and guess what? I got the job! I'm so excited :). I had to start right away, and waitressing is much more difficult than I always thought. I had trouble keeping the orders straight and my boss said I was too slow. I'll try harder tomorrow. I can do this.

My neighbor and his friends stopped by, and they were quite surprised to see me working there. The editor cracked a not-so-nice joke about cheerleading. It almost seemed like she can't stand me, and I really hope that's not the case because I'd like to get to know her better. I had a few words with my neighbor (who, btw, was talked into being on the football team, but that's a whole different story). He seemed a little disappointed that I quit cheerleading, and he said something like he thought we would see each other at practice. That would have been a total disaster, with my BF being there too. I actually think we'll meet more often now that I work at the coffee shop but I didn't tell him. I just mentioned that he could stop by anytime.

If you had told me just a week ago that I would be working as a waitress instead of being a cheerleader, I would thought you were insane. I can't believe I actually did it. The way things change so fast....it scares me a bit. At the same time, it's exciting.

Wish me luck for work tomorrow!

04:12 pm

Current Mood: anxious

Just a quick note

I got out of school early today--no English, and no cheerleading (obviously). I have to be at work in an hour and I'm a little nervous, so I thought I'd write a bit to distract myself.

I was tempted to go by football practice on my way home but then decided it would be too weird. I'm still glad I quit but it feels strange nonetheless. It's also somewhat of a relief that I have to work Friday during the game...I don't know if I'm ready to be there but not be a part of it, to just watch from the stands. My BF, by the way, took me quitting from the team remarkably well. I was half-expecting him to throw a fit but he just seemed taken aback. He was very quiet when I told him and eventually said that it was my decision. Hmm. I'm not sure what to make of that.

I hope work goes better today. I want to do well. It's hard, though--you have to juggle so many different things: which table ordered what, the table numbers for the check, always have a smile on your face, keep an eye out for when people are about done so I can clear the table, see who comes in...

I work until 11pm tonight, and if I have enough energy left, I'll let you know how my second day as a waitress went.

11:17 pm

Current Mood: exhausted

On and On

The past five hours were among the worst in my entire life.

Everything that could go wrong did go wrong. I still confused people’s orders, and I was still too slow. But hey, at least I only broke a few dishes today. My back hurts like hell, I can hardly walk, and I felt like crying all the way home (but I didn’t because I won’t give that kind of satisfaction to my aunt). My boss is awful. I think she hates me. Today she told me that while she had always known I was a "little princess" she hadn’t expected that I would indeed "be incapable of doing anything but looking pretty". All I wanted to do was to run out but since I am determined to get through this, I just swallowed and went back to work. Her remark really stung because she hit one of my worst fears–-that people will only see a pretty girl and nothing else. Sometimes I feel that even those closest to me (my BF and my aunt) only see that facade.

The one interesting thing about tonight was that the millionaire came by to do work at the Beanery for a while. I don’t think I mentioned this before but I met him once, in Metropolis, when he was about fifteen. He and a girl were in a rather, well, compromising situation when I walked in on them. Let’s just say it didn’t give me the best impression of him. But he’s actually really friendly. We had a nice chat tonight. While I was getting his drink ready, my neighbor showed up and started talking to the millionaire (I mentioned that they are becoming friends, right?). I sort of overheard parts of their conversation. They were talking about their fathers. Complaining actually. I wish I knew what that feels like, to complain about your dad. Both of them stayed for quite a long time; the millionaire working, and my neighbor was daydreaming, I think. It was kind of nice to have a familiar face around, even if we didn’t have the chance to talk much. Oh, and the millionaire gave me a really big tip when he and my neighbor left :).

I almost forgot: when I was driving home just now, I saw my neighbor speeding down the road, away from the farm. I think he was on his way to the millionaire’s house...no, I am sure he was going there because I saw him turn in the rear mirror, and that road only leads to the castle (yes, the millionaire lives in a castle! Rumor has it that they brought it over from Scotland stone by stone). I wonder why my neighbor was in such a hurry to get over there so late at night. I hope nothing bad happened...I’ll ask him about it at school tomorrow if I have the chance.

Time to take a shower and go to sleep...

Fri 19

freak4ever

9:22 p.m.

Current Mood: tired

Fire tickles

(friends locked post)

Well, the last game is over and I didn't even get to play. In fact the coach is dead. CS was right. He was controlling fire. I went to talk to that guy, the one CS said would talk. Well, he talked. He told me about the coach and how he can do things with fire.

I couldn't really tell anybody. I mean what was I supposed to say, excuse me sir, but the coach of our football team is a firestarter thanks to the meteor rocks that followed me here. Nobody would believe it. So yet again I hurt somebody.

Deleterious - that is what the meteor rocks are.

After my dad saved me and I watched the coach kill himself. Not really a normal teen life right. I was pretty mad at the time. I mean the guy left me for dead just so he could win a football game. I've decided that football just isn't for me. I won't be asking dad if I can try out next year. Dad and I talked and things are much better. We were both being stubborn.

After the game I went out to the field and found LL. She was fired from her job, but she wasn't really too upset about it. She's a lot stronger than people give her credit for. We stood in the middle of the field and just scream. I never would have done something like that before I met her.

We drove home together and talked about things. She wants to get to know my friends, which is really cool. She saw me last night when I went to visit AJL, and asked about it. I felt sort of weird about that. My first instinct was to lie to her so I did. I couldn't help it. It's like the lying is a built in defense thing for me.

Who knows, maybe for my kind it is.

I have to go to bed. I have this really bad headache, which is weird because I never get headaches.

tabloidboy

11:14 a.m.

I’ve already been up for hours. Since five o’clock this morning. But that’s not a bad thing. It’s actually a very good thing.

Yesterday was an emotional rollercoaster. After that fiasco with my dad, I tried to pull myself together. I had to get out of the castle…everything in it just felt so oppressive, like every pretentious ancient rock was chanting “Your father owns you, there’s no way you’ll win.”

And I was faced with making these job cuts that my father had ordered, a move that would not earn me supporters in this town. This is my home now – I don’t want to alienate myself further.

But it didn’t even cross my mind to disobey my father. Or to find another way. I had lost, but I was still playing the game. His rules, I was still inside, I couldn’t even see that there was anything but the game.

So I had to get out of the castle, get away. I went to the coffee shop, which is fast becoming a haven for me…and not only because my angel is often there, although of course that is part of it, I won’t deny it. But in the coffee shop I feel…close to normal, just another person working at one of the little tables. Of course the fact that what I was deciding was who in the town to fire…it’s not normal, and I’m not normal, and I know that. But it’s still better than in the castle, where I can’t escape anything, not myself or my father.

I know what you’re thinking. You want to know whether my angel showed up at the coffee shop. Well, as it turns out, his crush has just become a waitress there, so he did indeed show up – I would assume looking for her. They talked, we all talked. She’s quit the cheerleading team to be a waitress. He’s joined the football team.

And let me pause right there to say that, yes, my angel has joined the football team. Which means that he was wearing a football jersey and he looked like…something out of a soft porn film. Which made it somewhat difficult for me to concentrate on anything.

My angel and his crush seem like…such ordinary teens. But I don’t mean that in a bad way. I mean that in the best of ways. They are strong, honest, good people. And in their own ways it seems like they are trying to find themselves. And going against their parents to do so. Of course their parents don’t hold swords against their throats, but it’s still not completely different.

And I thought, listening to them talk, if they can do it, so can I. Yes, the stakes are higher, but I’m older. And it’s because the stakes are higher that I need to do this. The alternative is…allowing my father to subsume me. I can’t do that. I won’t do that.

So I had a moment of clarity, there in the coffee shop listening to them talk. Unfortunately it was followed rapidly by a reality check. Images of how my father would react, combined with the impossibility of the numbers and what I had to do…

And I was so fucking tired. The sugar in the ghastly drink that I had been mistakenly served (it was her first day on the job, she deserves a break) wore off much too quickly and sent me crashing. Staring at all those papers, the numbers started to blur and I realized I needed whisky much more than I needed coffee.

I offered my angel a ride home, and even with him so close in the car, wearing that jersey (and damn he did look good) I just couldn’t appreciate the moment, couldn’t concentrate. I kept flashing back to the feel of metal against my throat. I had lost that battle, why would I win this one?

My angel’s presence calmed me but at the same time I just needed to be alone, and I needed a damn drink. I needed to figure out whether I really had it in me to do this, or if it was just hubris. So I left him alone and went back to my castle. To the room where I had lost the match. To the fucking chair I had tripped over at the end. I just needed to…well I suppose I was wallowing. I needed to be there, to see if I could really pull myself out, you know? To see if I could do this for real.

I don’t know who was winning. I just sat there and drank and then when my glass was empty I just sat there. I suppose the whisky was winning.

But that was only until my angel came in.

Yes, you heard right. My angel drove to the castle…because he was worried about me. So suddenly he was in the room with me, all warmth and smiles and football jersey and sympathy. He didn’t talk too much. I didn’t talk too much. But I did (against my natural instinct) tell him what was wrong. He asked. I told. About what had happened with my father. And saying it out loud – even more so than writing it in here – made me realize how much I needed to not allow it to define me.

Damn this is a long post. And I haven’t even gotten to the part that you all are waiting to hear.

You’re all wondering if I touched him, right? Or if I stayed strong. Well, I wasn’t feeling particularly strong, and I was feeling very alone. And when he hugged me—which I really didn’t see coming, as I was so thrown off by his very presence, not to mention that my mind was fuzzy from the whisky—I didn’t freeze. At first I didn’t hug back, but…god I just needed his touch. Not in a sexual way. I mean, yes he was beyond hot in that football jersey (I may rapidly be developing a new fetish) but when he held me…I haven’t felt like that since my mom died. Like someone actually, truly cared. Enough to hold me just for the sake of holding me…without wanting something from me. Or wanting to control me.

He stayed for a while, and while he was there...it was like something churning inside me just stopped. And when he left, I still felt calmer than I could remember being in ages. The boy is like valium to me. I fell into my bed, and I slept, with no nightmares. Such a deep sleep. My body…just feels like a whole different entity.

I woke up early, suddenly, with such a sense of clarity and determination. I’ve been working ever since, and I just sent my father the revised plan. It’s good, it will work, and there is no way he can say it won’t. I’m sure he’s not going to like it, but I don’t see how he can turn it down.

It would appear that, with my angel’s help, I have won this round.

8:15 p.m.

Well, I was right. My father did show up today. And in the end he did “let” me go ahead with my plan. Told me it was my one chance to defy him. As if everything was still playing out exactly as he intended.

In the past I would have believed him. I would have felt that I was still playing his game and that he was still calling the shots. But now I know that’s not the case. It’s my plan, I called the shots, and I won.

And you know what else? Looking around this room now, this office, this castle – it’s starting to feel like mine. Like home.

grlf_reporting

Current Mood: shocked

Brush with death, but disaster still strikes

I almost died tonight. At least, the thought kept echoing in my mind that I could have died, and there was a second while this brush with death was happening that I believed that I would die.

There was a highly suspicious fire that is actually beyond suspect! It was definitely arson, and it was someone trying to stop my investigation into a major story! I was just about to crack the case wide open in the public eye, and suddenly, I found myself the target of intimidation tactics that were serious enough to jeopardize my life!

The funniest part is that I can't help but think Lois would be proud of me. Obviously, with this scary and extreme development combined with the loathing I've been bearing the brunt of the last two days I've been back, I'm hitting some nerves at the core! (I published the new issue of my school newspaper the same morning I returned, before first period even! This was thanks to Lois setting me up with remote publishing software, and I was able to coordinate, edit, and assemble everything while in the city with my cousin. The only thing left to do when I got back was load the organized layouts up and print, sending it to the presses!)

All in all, I'm pretty impressed with myself.

CK is helping me too! Now he's promised to assist me in my efforts to get the lid blown off this thing, since my life was seriously threatened over it. He got involved when I called out the window to him after the fire started, and he rushed into the school to save me! (My hero!)

Before that, though, my office was engulfed in flames and it was so weird, because the fire seemed to have a mind of its own, like it had a will to trap and harm me or something. This is definitely going on the Wall!

Except... the entire office was torched. Everything burned. It was charred beyond recognition, and I've only been there a few weeks. I'll admit that I was really crestfallen to see everything destroyed, but I have since chalked it up to hazards of the job. (Comes with the territory of being a good reporter!)

What a homecoming this has turned out to be! On all fronts for that matter! It's like the whole town went topsy-turvy when I came back!

CK joined the football team (against his father's wishes, and probably his better judgment, but I guess this is one of those guy things I just won't ever get!), so now he's muscling around with the jockstraps (no offense, Pete) who are at the very heart of all this controversy. (I assure you, CK is not your typical member of the jockocracy, and despite my personal biases and recent events and everything, I will be at his game tomorrow to see him play. I'm totally shameless!)

Then, another oddity was LL (CK's crush), who turned up at a local coffee shop oddly free of her cheerleading uniform and the irritating brigade that usually wears them everywhere, waving clumps of plastic ribbons around like bimbette airheads. Get this! She's waitressing there, and she just quit the pom-pom squad! That's almost... admirable! A slight breeze could have knocked me over at that news! It was really mind-bending!

I feel like I've come back to the Twilight Zone! This whole thing is either part of the great cosmic joke that is this sordid little town, or it's so adolescent that we're falling into the Freshman trap of high school evolution way too comfortably!

Getting back to the fire, it is really disheartening to have to rebuild so soon after I had just settled in, but I'm not losing faith! The truth is out there (as corny and cliche as that may seem) and it just takes an inquisitive mind and a journalistic instinct to pursue it faithfully, so I will not be derailed by setbacks or sabotage! (How Fox Mulder did that sound!)

The office being set ablaze was what affected me most immediately. I mean, my first reaction was to see what, if anything, could be salvaged (which turned out to be very very little). Now, though, I can tell you here (because I will most likely never divulge this anywhere else... This means you, Pete! Lips shut!)... I could only think that I had not told CK how much I truly care about him.

I was surrounded by a ring of fire (that stuff they teach you in school about fire safety and survival really does work, btw!) and while I was trying to escape and be brave, I couldn't stop myself from regretting the way I have hidden my feelings for CK and the fact that I let them be called into question at times when I sense he is getting distant or hiding his own feelings and thoughts.

When the fire mysteriously subsided at CK's entrance (?), despite the courage that had gotten me through the frightening ordeal until he arrived, I found myself wrapped in his arms and being comforted by the embrace. It was like I had spent all my strength and needed to borrow some of his in that moment. (I'm only human, after all, and I have my weaknesses. Even if I act like it sometimes, I'm not made of steel, you know!) Mostly though, I think it was primarily the thoughts I'd had of him when I started to believe I'd never see him (or anyone else) again.

Well, tomorrow is another school day and I'm confident tonight's events will lead somewhere now that the stakes have been raised so drastically. Good! Any reporter worth her ink knows where the action is and follows it right into the fire... so to speak.

This is Girl F. Please stand by for developments as they come.

09:09 pm

Current Mood: disappointed

Girl F suffers setback in private quest

[Friends-only post]

(Let me preface this by saying I'm writing from home since the computer at school was where the fire started, and so it is utterly destroyed, but I've been reassured the office will be repainted and provided with new supplies and equipment, including an iMac computer, set up over the weekend and ready for Monday morning.)

I'm a really good investigative journalist (or so the events of the last three days would lead me to believe), but I'm not good enough at the research part obviously. I can track down a story in my hometown, but the letter I sent to my mother at the address I dug up for her came back to me in the mail today.

I grabbed it before my father could get home and see it in our mailbox. I don't think he'd be too keen on the idea of me looking for her, much less writing to her.

It was marked "Return to Sender; Addressee Unknown", so now I'm back to square one.

*sigh*

This gets more disappointing every time, but I'm not going to let myself get discouraged!
I've been here several times before. I'll just have to start over again.

Right now though, I hear homework beckoning.

This is Girl F keeping a brave face.

ordinary_guy

10:21 am

Current Mood: scared

I thought I'd lost her

(friends only post)

Clo nearly died tonight. There was a fire in the news office, and she was there. She's sure it was done on purpose. CK got her out. It should have been me. I should've made sure I knew where she was. I asked CK's dad if he'd seen her, and knew the minute he'd said no that something was wrong.

I don't know what I'd do if I lost her...

sinisterf and coffeejunkii you're both right. I'm sorry I haven't replied to your comments, but i've been working hard at football, and next thing I know, Clo's nearly killed. It scared the crap out of me. Shes my best friend, and I love her, and yeah, I do have a crush on her. Know what the sad thing is? I'm jealous. CK is the one she wants, not me. He's the one who saved her - he was there when she needed him - and where was I? At the rally, wondering where she was. How pathetic is that...

I put this as a friends only post, cause I know Clo will read it if I don't, but I'm gonna post a general entry anyway. I guess this is just so I can talk about her, and she won't know. I don't think she'd like it if she knew how I really felt about her, and the truth is, after tonight, whatever I felt for her before has gne completely out the window. She means more than anyone ever has to me, and I don't want to lose her friendship cause of that. I ducked over to hers an hour or so ago, to make sure she was ok. She said she was fine, but I could tell she wasn't. I think she was worrying about CK again. And was probably in shock about the fire.

I'm really trying not to think about what would have happened if he hadn't ben there to get her out of the office. But I can't help it. I think I've had died if CK hadn't saved her.... but she can never know that I feel like that. It'd ruin everything we've built in our friendship together, and I don't want to lose that. I don't... I can't lose her.

She's too important.

10:47 am

Current Mood: crappy

Shit day in Smallville

Well, let's see - where to start - how bizarre can my life get? Man - I feel like the whole world's gone insane. You see, there's this thing here, in this town. We had a meteor shower ages ago, and now, it's like there's loads of supernatural stuff that happens here. Well, Clo, being her journalistic self, she's into all that sort of stuff - has a wall in her office with newspaper cuttings and crap like that - funny that when she deals with the supernatural, it doesn't get her in as much trouble as investigating cheaters on the football team does... No, that almost gets her killed.

I'm not kidding.

She nearly died tonight.

because of an article she was planning on writing. Course there's no proof that the fire in the paper office was intentional...

Luckily, CK was there to rescue her. Which is good, cause I was on the field wondering what was going on. Bottom line - I'm glad she's ok. Next on my list - if I ever find out who did this - I'll kill them with my bare hands.

Damn it! Now I'm all pissed off cause some one tried to kill my best bud.

*calming down now*

I just don't get it.

I've just been to Clo's and she's ok. A little shocked but she's ok. Plus she's a little bit happy, cause she got a great story out of what happened. I'm tellin' ya - that girl - she needs her head seeing to. She nearly dies and all she can think about is getting the scoop on the Coach...

I'm tired, and confused, and mad. I'm gonna head off now. Clo, if you're reading, which you probably are... glad you're ok - but next time - tell me what's going on alright? I'd like to not find out what's been happening by one of my friends nearly dying. I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at... Oh I dunno what I'm mad at, its' just not you.

Til next time.

Feegan

10:02 pm

Current Mood: depressed

The pain from his journal entry today literally emanated from my monitor in waves. I wish there was some way I could help. It seems silly to obsess over a person one has never met, yet I cannot get him out of my mind. The distress he expresses over a willful and rebellious son, ever present business decisions, and what seems to me as a very inefficient personal assistant make me miserable.

Some day, I'll be courageous and introduce myself, but not soon. He makes it clear that anonymity is first and foremost priority, so I won't risk chasing him away. But, some day...

Sat 20

tabloidboy

9:52 a.m.

I’m leaving in a few minutes for a short trip. I’m posting because I just received a gift from my father, and I don’t know what to think. I…he works so hard to make me hate him, and there are things that he has done that are etched in me so deep they are irreparable. But the thing is (as some of you have suggested) I know that he loves me. In his fucked up way, he loves me. He may not know who I am, and he may want to control what I am, but he still loves me.

It’s just not the type of love I would hope for. Not the kind that helps. In fact, sometimes it’s the kind that hurts badly.

But in this case I think he was trying.

He sent me a gift from my mother. Her ring. Her wedding ring.

Part of me is angry that he hadn’t given it to me sooner. Part of me is angry that she couldn’t give it to me herself.

But I am glad to have it now.

I have few things from her. My memories – are always with me, but they are intangible.

The ring came with a letter from her. Reading it, hearing her voice but not, I felt so cheated – that she doesn’t know me now, that I don’t have her. All the time that’s been missed. That she will never know my angel.

Having this little piece of her helps, but it doesn’t take away the absence.

lions_den

12:09 am

Rant About Son - AKA "Same ol', same ol'."

I sent D., my assistant, along with two other employees, to a meeting my son had the nerve to think he can cancel. It would be one thing if he decided to start a business of his own, but as long as he works in the family company he might as well listen once in a while. The numbers... are probably not at all interesting for anyone who might be reading this. Suffice to say he's a good boy, but he's losing money. And he's a smartmouth and giving hell to all my employees, not to mention insulting me to their faces. Poor D. Poor me.

*Chuckle*

Okay then, just poor D. And bringing up his sister was just cruel. My son can be vicious like that... I gather he got that from me. Had to go down there myself to talk to him, of course, because D. left no impression whatsoever.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I got the impression he's upset because I approach him differently than I would any other employee - cutting him slack whenever I can. Today I said I won't do it, that he'll get no special treatment. So obviously, he behaves as if I constantly ignore the fact that he's my son and disregard him. Damned if I do and damned if I don't, no way out. His pride is wounded, he resents me, I'm being cruel and unusual. I didn't expect anything else. He won't even let me touch him.

That did hurt. The flinching.

I tried to explain my motives to him but he just ignored me.

So I suggested a duel - we both fence - and won it. He is getting better, I can say that, but he's letting his emotions ruin his concentration and... many details about fencing you don't want to know. Bottom line is, I won. Poor kid.

Not long after, I had to go back there because he went behind my back and against my will to try some irrational business decisions. At least he had the balls to go ahead and do it. Good for him. I let it slide, just this once. I can't stay mad at him.

~Li

02:51 pm

When my wife was very ill, and it was clear she would not make it, she left me a note and a little box. The box was to be given to my son when he's old enough. Her ring was in it.

Last night I sent it to him. I hope he appreciates it as I do.

~Li

ordinary_guy

04:23 pm

Current Mood: confused

Ergh!

Well, I was benched for the big game last night - not surprising - but like I said before - this town is weird - and yeah, you got it - some more weird stuff happened at the game. Coach dissapeared in the middle of the game. Well, you know me right? Well you don't but you know what I mean.. Me being me, I kinda followed him. I wish I hadn't now, cause it's kinda making me think too much about my friend CK. Anyway, I heard him and CK fighting, and when I peeked round the corner, the coach just burst into flames. I ran like I've never run in my life! I swear.

CK had to rush off, and I was too shocked at what I'd seen to really do anything but be me. I just shook my head and looked like an idiot when people were asking what was going on.

I'm gonna head over to the farm and shoot some hoops with CK today. He says he'll tell me what happened. I think it has something to do with that story that Clo was planning on running.

I'll fill you all in as soon as I know...

Later

10:57 pm

Current Mood: tired

Wicked Day

Well, went round to see CK. Damn his mom makes fine apple pie! Once I batted my eyelashes at her she couldn't resist making one for us. It was a really cool day. He told me about what happened with the Coach. Psycho tried to kill him, and he was the one that attacked Clo in her office the other night. It sounds awful for me to say this, but he got what he deserved..

Anyway, I was at CK's. It was a gorgeous day today. The sun was out and we had a laugh shooting hoops, chatting and having a good time with each other. It was like we used to be. I dunno though, it was a great time and all, but I think his mind was really on something else. He seems - lovestruck is the only way to really put it - like he is with L when we're in class and stuff. Only he didn't mention her at all. Which was a little weird.

He reckons he's going to LL's castle tomorrow, so I can't go hang, but that's cool. Now, I don't like LL, but CK does, so I guess I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. If he pulls the shit his dad did on my dad with CK's family though, I'll be the first one to jump on the hate wagon. CK seems to think he's cool, and not like his father (who is the biggest shithead you'll ever meet - smart man though - not that I agree with what he does to people). LL's got money, and lots of it. If I say too much you might figure out who I'm talking about, but as much as I hate the guy, I'm not gonna say his name here.

Anyway, so me and CK hung out! And we had apple pie. Looks like the whole distance thing was just a phase. I hope it stays this way. It was nice to see him being more like his old self.

God, I'm tired, I think its time to say goodnight

Later