The Smallville Diaries - Week Sept 21 - 27, 2003

Sun 21

freak4ever

12:08a

AJL has a clone!

AJL pushed me through a window today! I was in town to get something for my mom, and he ran into me. I was so startled to see him. He pushed me into the sunglasses store. I couldn't believe how strong he was. I don't think it was him though. It just makes no sense because the police told me he robbed the bank, and then ran. See he would never do that. Something really strange happened to me too. I can't even say it. I didn't tell my mom and dad.

God, I am such a freak! I hate this.

I spent the morning doing chores. Dad and I fixed the tractor again. sigh. That thing has broken down so many times this month, I think I might just toss it into the next county, and say it was stolen so dad will go out and buy a new one.

This afternoon (after the window crashing incident) I hung out with PR. He hadn't been over in a while so we shot some hoops, and talked about the coach. I didn't tell him everything that happened. I told him that the coach had gone insane and was so bent on winning that he tried to kill me, which was true. I just confirmed what CS had already told us about the fires. I have no idea why the coach killed himself like that. Maybe he wasn't trying to kill himself. I will never understand people that want to harm others.

PR stayed for dinner. It was great having him over. We watched an hour of TV after dinner. PR the big suck-up got my mom to break out some of her amazing apple pie. Not that I'm complaining, I love apple pie. It was so good.

I had to call the night because I got another head ache. I kind of know why they're happening. I feel fine now, but just a few minutes again my head really hurt. My eyes ache. I know that sounds weird, but I have never really felt pain before. I think I'm going to go to bed early. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.

I was going to call AJL to see if he wanted to hang out tomorrow night, but I am feeling so crappy. Oh

There it goes again. Geeze, my computer is so dusty! Wow, this is so cool. It's gone again. Oh well. Maybe being a freak isn't so bad after all.

night.

tabloidboy

11:47p

One would think I could go away for a couple of days without anything drastic happening, but apparently that’s not the case.

Perhaps drastic is too strong a word. Nothing will come of it and so it doesn’t really matter. I was simply accused of/framed for something I did not do. And while it’s quite clear I didn’t do it, it’s still unnerving. And hampers my plan to become accepted into this town and make it my home. And of course the tabloids will have a field day. But that’s nothing new. No matter how outlandish, people seem ready to believe anything of me. And while I may have done my part to create that perception, it still feels isolating. Although I suppose that was the point.

As an added bonus my angel was one of the people who at first thought that I was indeed the perpetrator. I don’t think he thought that I was guilty for long, but it did make me realize how little he knows me.

I think my angel felt quite bad about the whole thing. He came over this evening. I had spent all day dealing with the fallout and I was exhausted. We just sat, talked a little, and then watched the Sopranos pilot (his choice – he wanted to watch something his parents wouldn’t normally let him, and I figured it was harmless enough.) Of course I’ve seen it several time, and although it’s just as good each successive time, this time, with the lights down and my angel sitting close by, my eyes started closing and…well I’m rather embarrassed to admit that I actually fell asleep. I hadn’t been able to sleep while away, given everything that was going on. But back at home and with my angel, it all caught up with me, and I just slipped into unconsciousness with him only a few feet away.

He woke me up when he needed to leave, and of course smiled that smile and said that he didn’t mind me falling asleep on him like that. He seemed so sincere that I can’t find it in myself to doubt him. But still I’m very surprised and not entirely happy with myself about this. Letting my guard down that completely around someone is not wise, even if it is my angel. My father would say it’s a fatal mistake. But if trusting my angel is to be my downfall and he chooses to kill me in my sleep, well there certainly would be worse ways to go.

…

Of course, now that he’s gone I’m wide awake. He looked so delectable tonight, in his blue jeans and flannel, and smelled so fresh – like clean soap. For some reason I can still smell the scent.

anotherlife

12:27 am

Current Mood: peaceful

Intense

The night is so quiet now. It’s nice. And I am not alone–-my BF is sleeping on my bed, behind me. He looks peaceful, which makes so very glad. It’s been a rough day, for both of us.

He called first thing this morning and apologized for yesterday. We met up for a little while but we didn’t talk, really. He was working on his speech for the coach’s funeral, and I helped him. I think he was using all his energy to keep it together for the funeral. It was eerie because he tried to act as if everything was ok, and I went along with that because it was what he needed.

The funeral was, well, nice is not the right word, I guess. It was moving, and many people came. There were all kinds of rumors flying around about what really happened during the game and about the scandal in general. I heard that the editor also almost died in the fire yesterday. Apparently, my neighbor saved her in the last moment (hmm, he seems to have a thing for that–-saving people). I hope she’s ok. I’m sure the fire will be on the front page of the school paper on Monday.

After the funeral my BF and I went to my place and I made dinner. My aunt is out of town until tomorrow, visiting a friend in Metropolis. She almost didn’t go because of all the stuff that happened but I convinced her that I was fine and she shouldn’t miss out (I’m not sure I would have gone if I had been in her place but that’s the difference between me and her). It’s good to be alone in the house because my BF and I really need some time to ourselves. We started watching an old movie after dinner, and in the middle of it, my BF fell apart. I don’t think anything in the movie triggered it... it was more like all his energy was used up and he crashed. He cried, and I held him for what seemed like a very long time, until there were no more tears. We went up to my room then because I needed to be in my own space. The living room also seemed so big all of a sudden, so much emptiness. We talked for a while, about the coach, and us, and life...one of those conversations.

And then...well, I’m going to cut the rest of this because I don’t know if you all want to read about this. Basically, it’s about us making out but it was different then before

Well, as I said, we were making out. But it was not like usually, it was more...intense. It was good too, like really good. It hasn’t been like that before. I think the evening and what happened over the past few days contributed that. I noticed that my BF was less tense than usually too, and I really wanted to be closer to him, so...well...I thought we could try something new. I took my top off, and...well...let’s just say I didn’t know how creative he could be :). We both really got into it and after a while I noticed that he needed, um, some relief. (God, this is really hard to talk about, but I want to sort this out since there is way too much in my mind already). I touched him, through his jeans, and I could tell he was enjoying it. I was so nervous because I had no idea what I was doing or if I was doing it the right way. But all of a sudden he just pulled away and mumbled something and bolted out of the room. He came back a few minutes later, and I have a pretty good idea what he was doing in the meantime. He felt so bad for running out on me like that, and he apologized, said he couldn’t do that with me, not yet anyways. That’s ok. I’m glad he told me. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn’t want more. I always thought guys were supposed to be really pushy about stuff like this. I don’t know.

Afterwards, we lay down for a while, and he fell asleep. I am not sure if I should wake him up so he can go home. I don’t really want him to leave. I don’t want to be alone tonight. And my aunt won’t come back until tomorrow late morning, and his parents know he’s with me so they wouldn’t be worried. Plus I’m sure they can’t imagine us (or I guess me) doing anything that they’d have to worry about. Actually I don’t really care what anyone thinks right now. I’ll just go lie down and go to sleep too. I’m tired of worrying about everything.

lions_den

08:04 pm

I thought my son was in trouble again today, but apparently it was someone else's misbehaving child. Still, I was worried for a moment there. It was a nasty flashback to the times he was younger and wilder. I did *not* enjoy those times.

Mon 22

freak4ever

12:29a

Current Mood: content

it's not him and other AJL things

(friends locked post)

First thing this morning, AJL stopped by. He came to ask about what I saw. It turns out he was out of town when his look alike was robbing the bank. I was so relieved. I even joked about it with him. He was really very nice about it. He even apologized for me being thrown through the window even though he didn't have anything to do with it. I thought that was pretty nice, but dad just walked away. It kind of made me a little mad that he treated AJL that way. I asked AJL if it would be okay if I stopped by later for a game of pool. He said yes. After he left mom gave me this weird look. I hope she doesn't pick up on anything.

LL called later on around five. She asked if everything was okay and if it was true about AJL. I told her I never once thought he would do that. It was so nice to hear that she agreed with me. She seems to be warming up to the idea that AJL is a nice guy. That made me so happy. :)

I didn't do much except boring farm stuff, so I won't talk about that. Since it is a friends locked post. I want to talk about my visit with AJL.

I went over around seven. I was hoping for earlier but dad kept coming up with something new for me to do whenever I tried to leave. When I finally escaped, thanks to my mom, I got there at around seven fifteen. AJL was just hanging out. He seemed pretty tired but he didn't ask me to leave or anything, so we settled into one of the many rooms at the castle. We talked for a bit. I think I was pretty boring but he listened very intently. Like he really cared what I had to say.

Anyway, he suggested we watch Spiderman instead of playing pool, but I'd already seen it. Besides I wanted to take advantage of the fact that mom and dad weren't there. So I asked if he had the Sopranos. He did. We settled in with some milk and pie. It was really good pie. I made a total pig of myself. AJL barely touched his piece, and in the meantime I ate a whole pie! :)

The show is really good. Chloe would always tell me about how good the witting was, but I had no idea it was this good. I have no idea what mom and dad don't like about it. Oh well, I got to watch the first two episodes. Except I missed the second half of episode two. AJL fell asleep. I'm not sure when, but he passed out right there on the sofa beside me. I let him be since he was so tired from all the fake AJL bank robbery excitement. It was probably stressful.

AJL looks so beautiful asleep (this is where the friends post part comes in) I couldn't help myself. I hardly ever see him relax so I watched him sleep. I even touched him. He's so soft. I think maybe he has no hair anywhere. Although he has eyebrows and eyelashes. I looked really close to see if they were real. Okay, I was curious I just thought it was strange that he had them and not other hair. I couldn't see any hair on his arm, or the back of his neck.

I hope nobody thinks I'm some kind of creep for doing this. If you had seen him asleep. He looked so amazing.

I touched his head. Not that one. Hee. I also touched this scar he has on his top lip. I don't have any scars so I was really curious about what it felt like. I want to ask him about it, but I think I might wait until we've known each other better. I tried to guess how he got it, and the only thing I could come up with is that it had something to do with his dad. :(

Although that weird thing I talked about before happened again. And I almost got an eyeful of a very bare version of him. I really would rather discover that in the old fashioned way.

After the show finished I woke him. He was pretty upset that he'd fallen asleep on me but I really didn't mind. I didn't tell him what I did while he was asleep.

I'm in my room now after taking care of some stuff. I have the sleeping image of him etched in my brain. I know it will be what I think about tonight as I go to sleep. Although, really I haven't stopped thinking about it.

sigh

I am so screwed.

3:26p

Current Mood: irritated

It just never gets easier

(friends locked post)

I'm home from school early today because It happened again. In gym class while I was climbing the rope of torture, It kicked in and I saw more of PR than I ever wanted to. Now I know how gross we are under all that skin. Muscles and stuff are not pretty to look at. I freaked to say the least.

Since I fell off the rope, they sent me home early, so now I'm up in my room. When I told my mom and dad they weren't very helpful. I mean, it's not like I came with a manual. 'At this age his special vision will kick in' etc.

My mom needs to go into town so I'm going with her. I couldn't go anywhere near LL today. She was wearing the necklace. I also heard a rumor going around that her and WF did it. I just don't believe it at all. She's not the type to do that.

Gotta go. More later.

3:50p

Current Mood: excited

X-ray vision

(private post - comment at sv_journals)

I wanted to make a post that only I can see.

I have x-ray vision now on top of everything else.

It's not just x-ray vision. I can see through walls and stuff. I can't control it, but dad thinks I should be able to learn how to in time. I hope so. It's really annoying when it just suddenly kicks in.

9:44p

Current Mood: annoyed

My clone tried to run over my mom or what B movie did you star in

That sounds like the name of a really bad movie doesn't it? It's true. It really happened.

When I went into town with my mom she went to pick something up at the antique store. I saw Tina, this girl from school, go into the store. Her mom runs it. That thing happened again, and I saw something really strange. I don't know what to think about it, but I think something is going on. I'm not sure what. I have to look into it more.

Mom claims I tried to run her over with our truck. She swore it was me!

After we got home. (Don't ask how.) I went out to do the deliveries after we got the truck back. Who ever borrowed it, just abandoned it.

AJL was home when I got there. (His Monday produce consisted of apples and corn on the cob) I made sure he was my last stop. He invited me to hang out, and shoot some pool. I had a great time. He was in a much better mood this time. He seemed really happy. When I asked why, he told me he had just bought a new car. He showed it to me. It was a red Ferrari! The nicest car ever. He took me for a drive with the top down. I wanted to ask if I could drive it, but I am only fifteen. Oh, what a sweet ride!

At first he went the speed limit, but then I asked him to go faster. :) When we got back to the mansion the butler guy told me my mom had called. She was so mad when I called back, so I had to rush off. Even though i had to run off, he still looked happy. I'm so glad I could cheer him up.

However, I am now grounded. Can you believe that? My dad was pissed because I still had chores to do, and he needed the truck. I guess I should have called. I'm not allowed to go out for three days except to school, and to do deliveries. Then after that, I can only hang out with my friends to do homework.

Three days isn't too bad. I talked them down from a week. I so was not going to be grounded for a week! I'm fifteen for cripe sakes. My mom didn't even stand up for me like she usually does.

I wanted to call AJL to tell him about that, but my mom won't even let me use the phone. Sheesh, why is it that moms can make you feel like a little kid.

I'll call him from school tomorrow. :) Homework now.

tabloidboy

10:30p

Back to work today. It wasn’t particularly pleasant. People kept staring at me. Now and then I picked up bits of their conversation. Nothing very complimentary, I’m afraid. I suppose a scandal like the one I’ve been framed for is quite the news in a small town like this.

A few well chosen words and they stopped talking behind my back. But they didn’t stop looking. I don’t think they could if they tried.

And it’s the looking that gets to me. Like the way my angel’s father looked at me when I stopped by the other day. As if whatever I might say or do, he knew exactly what I was and I shouldn’t be breathing the same air as his son.

At least my angel’s mother looked at me with more kindness. Not necessarily understanding, but at least something warmer than her husband. She reminds me of my mother, a brightness and goodness in her eyes and her smile. Just like my angel.

So by about three o’clock this afternoon I had had enough. I left work in favor of a little shopping. A red Ferrari. Red is a little flashy for me, usually, but it was the color of the t-shirt my angel wore last night, and I just had to have it.

He came by this evening, dropping off deliveries. It was his last stop for the day, and so we played a little pool and then went for a ride in the car. His eyes lit up when he saw it – I think he might love it almost as much as I do. In fact, I think he wanted to drive it, if the woeful looks he was sending my way were any indication. You’d think I couldn’t resist that look, huh? But it’s my first day with the car, and I needed to be in the driver’s seat. Even I can be a little shallow now and again.

And hey, I managed to stay conscious the whole time my angel was over. So all in all I’m calling it a good night.

grlf_reporting

01:19 pm

Current Mood: refreshed

Cancelled class equals time for a news break

On account of the coach dying by a fire he apparently set himself (looks like I was right again on this one!), I have this period free, because he had been subbing my particular gym class. (I don't have the regular gym teacher, thankfully, though my group will most likely be integrated into the larger ones now. *rolls eyes* I hate gym anyway. There's never been a more pointless class, as far as I'm concerned! It's for the jockstraps and future compulsive GNC shoppers.)

I didn't post all weekend because the construction crew did a miracle job on this office, and now I'm back where I belong. They finished up in the early afternoon on Saturday, so I spent a good amount of time fixing the place back up the way I like it. I even managed to salvage a fair portion of the Wall of Weird, and I managed to track down copies of almost all the more recent articles that had been damaged.

The one disappointment was this computer. This iMac has to be at least two years old! The school couldn't even spring for a new one?! This is just some hunk of junk they lugged out of the basement, for God's sake! It's pathetic! It's the technological equivalent of an abicus! It crashed three times this morning when I tried to upload the layouts for the next issue of the paper (I'm lucky I got it working at all), and I had to hotwire the printing press, so it would connect to the port! The only upside is that the one thing it doesn't seem to be allergic to is the internet, though it does run it like molasses in the arctic! It's so out-of-date that dinosaurs laughed at this piece of scrap metal! I'm going to have to see if I can dig up something better, because this is a joke!

In other highlights from this weekend, I saw CK, even though it was for about five minutes. We hung out a little bit, but I think we both had other things on our minds. It was too much for us to really feel like having one of our longer BS sessions or doing anything significant. So that visit didn't last.

Pete told me that he got to hang out with CK for a little while this weekend. He also told me that CK is wrapped up in defending Richie Rich... *sigh* Typical. Geez, he's like a school girl with a crush! Practically half of what he says ever since he met the guy is about him! The other half is about LL (his actual crush, in case anyone's forgotten... I know I haven't). I couldn't care less about either of them, honestly.

Oh! That reminds me! That's probably the biggest news. Richie Rich is in hot water, it seems! This (needless to say) has captured my eagle reporter eye! The only glitch in this being pure journalistic dynamite is that it seems he has an alibi, and that it was impossible for him to have been involved in this scandal that's brewing.

Oh again! Speaking of LL too! The rumor mill has it that she had sex with her boyfriend (yes, the same one that has been harrassing CK ever since he tied him to a cross as this year's scarecrow) while her aunt was out of town. Apparently, he slept over her house, and the gossip-mongers are eating this up with a spoon. Normally, I wouldn't feel so smug about tabloid page stories, but this is following news that the ice princess just got fired from her waitressing job too. She'll probably rush back to the pom-pom squad for fear of social crucifixion! It's a shame, because I actually started to think I might have misjudged her.

Well, I have a class (one that is not cancelled due to a teacher's death) in a few minutes, so I'd better motor!

This is Girl F keeping you informed :) Read Comments

anotherlife

01:25 am

Current Mood: content

An uneventful day (!)

Today, nothing extraordinary happened, and you can't imagine how grateful I am for that.

My BF and I had had a really nice breakfast together. I'm so glad that I decided not to wake him last night (he was a bit shocked waking up next to me, but he got over that pretty quickly). We both needed that closeness. The only downside to our breakfast was that my friend Sarah from the cheerleading team stopped by to ask if I wanted to come to the mall with her and some other girls. I was still in my pjs, and when I had opened the door my BF yelled from the kitchen, asking who it was. Sarah just stared at me, and then made a very quick exit. I mean, it was pretty obvious that he hadn't just come by. Now I can already hear the whispering and the giggling. It's gonna be all over school that he stayed the night. Well, I'll deal with that when it comes.

I spent the rest of the day at the stable, riding and helping out. I was thinking that I could give lessons to the kids there. That might be more my thing than the waitressing :). We'll see.

When I came home my aunt told me that the millionaire allegedly robbed the bank yesterday, which makes no sense whatsoever. Why would someone who is so rich rob a bank and ruin his reputation in the business world? I called my neighbor about us hanging out tonight, and I asked him about the whole thing, and he explained that the millionaire was framed. Actually, my neighbor went into this whole long monologue about how the millionaire is really good for our town and how people should try to see him for what he is, and not as some rich guy. My neighbor was pretty upset about all this. Unfortunately, we didn't get to hang out because he had to do more chores on the farm tonight :(. I felt bad for him--his dad works him really hard sometimes.

I caught a movie with my BF instead. And that was it! No strange occurences, no emotional rollercoaster, just an ordinary day :).

10:39 pm]

Current Mood: aggravated

Rumors

I was right. The rumors were indeed all over school today.

Since I knew what was coming, I wore my special necklace today. I just needed something to give me strength. Plus I knew people would remember that I had lent it to my BF a few weeks ago, so I felt a little defiant wearing it. If they want to believe that we slept together they might as well believe that I don’t have any regrets about it. Of course no one said anything to my face, but the looks said it all, and the whispering behind my back. Even my neighbor gave me this look when I walked past him...as if he felt sick or disgusted. I felt so humiliated. I don’t want him to think badly of me. I would call him except I don’t know him that well, and it might just be too strange. I mean what should tell him, “hey, just to say I didn’t sleep with my BF, so please don’t believe what everyone is saying”? Would he even care? I’m so confused right now.

I can’t believe Sarah did this to me. I always considered her a good friend, and I would have never expected that she would betray me like that. I guess when I quit the cheerleading team I left a lot more behind than an extracurricular. And what if I had actually slept with him? Why would that be anyone’s business? And why should I be ashamed of it? Sometimes I hate living in such a small town.

Of course my aunt had already heard when I came home. She never even asked me if these rumors were true or false, no, she went straight into this whole long speech about how stupid I was and what people would be thinking of her, and that she hoped to god that we had been careful...it took ten minutes before I even got a word in. I explained what happened (i.e. nothing) and I think she believed me, but I’m not sure. She sent me to clean out the garage then–she probably figured that I owed her. Despite the fact that I hate her for treating me this way, sorting through the stuff in the garage at least took my mind off things.

While I was in the garage, a really old friend of mine stopped by. She hadn’t been at school today (if she had been I am not sure she’d have come by) so I thought she maybe wanted to know about homework but as it turns out her mom is ill. I think she needed some cheering up. We talked for a while, and all of a sudden she said that I had the perfect life, and how I was so lucky that my aunt cared about me. All I could think was if you only knew, and I totally snapped at her. I said that if she liked my life so much, she could have it. The rest of the conversation was a bit weird. I need to apologize to her at school tomorrow. No need to take out my anger on bystanders. But at that moment I couldn’t help it.

I really wish I had had more than one day of peace but I guess life doesn’t work that way.

redhotmama

09:19 am

Didn't do much of anything yesterday except read the Sunday paper. Life is so exciting obviously.*g*That Luthor boy came over to speak to Clark again. I dont know if I like that too much. He has about 6 yrs on my son. Why in the hell is he hanging out with a 15 year old? He seems nice enough but that is just very odd.Later Clark went over to pay pool,I guess. I wanted to make him stay at home but I dont want him to feel like I dont trust him at all. That whole friendship gives me the creeps. I know he saved the guy's life but that only goes so far

09:35 pm

Current Mood: tired

First of all....THANK YOU to whoever gave me the extension on my live journal. That was very sweet. If I knew who you were I'd bake you one of my famous apple pies.*g*

My son has had a very trying day today. Well weve all had one. Found a wad of cash on the floor in the antique shop. I asked about where it came from but I got a load of manure for an answer. Then the womans's crazed daughter tried to run me over. Oh and CK got sent home from school because of his special sickness.Poor baby.

This,my friends is going to be a long week.

ordinary_guy

10:23 am

Bank Robbers

I've got a free period, so I thought I'd update you all on the weird stuff that's been happening.

First, CK's friend LL robs a bank. I mean - with a gun and everything. I knew the guy was too good to be true, but of course, CK is all "he wouldn't do it, he's not like that." So I think about it some more, and I guess, in a way CK is right. I mean, why would someone who's the richest guy in... ok, so not the world, but he's close... anyway, why the hell would the guy rob his own bank. In broad daylight???? I mean, it's a stupid thing to do if you ask me, cause well, you'd do it when there'd be less chance of getting caught right? That's a good enough reason for me to be confused if it was him or not. Still it seems so likely that it was him. I mean, they have pictures and everything.

So, LL robs a bank, and CK is going mad over it - telling me he didn't do it, and there's lots of weird stuff going on. We're in gym class, first class of the day - climbing rope, and CK is racing me, so I'm like easy twenty foot off the floor, and I'm jibing at CK, when he looks at me like I'm an alien or something, and lets go of the rope. Just like that. And then, after falling flat on his back, he gets up like it didn't even hurt him. I swear that guy is the luckiest when it comes to having accidents - I can't remember him ever being hurt. I remember times when he should have been. But he never has. Me - I've broken bones and stuff, but not CK. So, the school nurse sent him home, just in case, and I called him just, and he's fine. Didn't mention pretty girl L once. didn't mention LL either - just said there was something going on that wasn't right.

It's probably some meteor rock thing - everything that goes wacky in this town is a meteor thing. I'm sure Clo'll get me and CK hunting round for info so she can write an article for the paper. Or get one of us to do one.

So yeah, that's the weirdness that is this morning. Wonder what'll happen next.

Damn - I'm crap at typing. I gotta go - calculus calls - I hate Math....

Tues 23

freak4ever

10:28p

Current Mood: restless

Not much of a day

So after all the excitement of the other day I finally get a nice calm day. Not much happened. Since I'm grounded I can't go anywhere. I'm in my room now waiting for mom and dad to go to sleep. They're finally in bed. I offered to wash the dishes so they could be together. (since my mom was almost run over they've been kind of mushy - yuck! - can't go there)

I want to call AJL to tell him about being grounded. I'm just afraid it'll remind him that I'm just a kid. I mean, who gets grounded at fifteen? Do any of you have this problem?

I tried the wounded look, but I'm pretty sure mom is immune to it. Dad just gives me this look that says 'try it on somebody else.'

I'm really bored, and restless. Hold on.

I think they're asleep. I'm going for a run. See you guys later. :)

tabloidboy

9:03a

I want to offer my sincere thanks to whomever it was who paid for my live journal account. People usually assume that I have everything I want, and thus I am rarely given gifts such as this. When I do recieve gifts, they are not anonymous, as the gifter is surely hoping for payback somewhere along the line. So, for all of these reasons, I am truly touched by this gesture, not to mention that I would assume this means you enjoy listening to my musings, even if I am a little self-involved at times.

Thank you.

I’m very glad I decided to try this cyberspace experiment. It looks like I am here to stay.

11:57p

I’ll tell you what I hate. I hate people who make assumptions. And I hate people who try to take advantage, based on idiotic assumptions. People who think they are so smart, and yet who are seeing such a very small picture.

But fucking them over, and showing them how clueless they are – now that I find satisfying.

grlf_reporting

01:10 am

Current Mood: happy

Girl F receives anonymous recognition

I'm shocked!

I just got in (don't ask), figured I'd check my email real quick, and collapse into bed.

Much to my surprise, some anonymous person has gifted me with six paid months of LJ!

This is just amazing! It's so unexpected! Whoever you are, LJ Fairy, that was too cool of you! Major thanks! If you ever need the help of an investigative reporter, I'm at your service!

Wow! This is like donated funding! I guess this bodes well for my career and my future, because it appears that I've already earned an unofficially sponsorship!

Hmm... that makes me think that if I'm going to have paid LJ, I should spruce this thing up a little bit. Play with some features. I've only had one icon this whole time, but it would be a shame to let an allowance of ten go to waste! ;)

This is Girl F reporting. Thank you and good night!

anotherlife

05:46 pm

Current Mood: grateful

Thank You!!

I just checked my email and found out that someone gave me a paid LJ account for six months!!

Thank you so very much! I don't know what to say. I feel so humbled. I never thought my life was this interesting.

Also thank you to everyone who left all these wonderful comments yesterday. You made me feel so much better about the whole situation. While the rumors are dying down, I still got quite a few strange looks at school today. And I had this really strange conversation with the friend I talked about yesterday.

I can't write for long because I am actually at my BF's house and dinner is almost ready. I had to get away from my aunt because I discovered that she has been lying to me about my mother for my entire life. I was so furious that I didn't want be around anything that reminded me of her. I'll say more about all this tonight.

11:08 pm

Current Mood: melancholy

Discoveries

I found my mother’s diary today.

I was sorting through some more stuff in the garage when I came across a big box labeled “Laura” (my mother’s name). It was a complete surprise; I had no idea my aunt had some of my mom’s things. She never told me–one of many things she withheld from me, as it turns out. I almost hesitated opening the box. I don’t know if that makes sense to you. I don’t have many things that remind me of my parents, and all of a sudden, there was an entire box of things. So I took my time, set the box on table, blew the dust off, and then carefully opened it.

The first thing I saw was a snow globe. Nothing fancy but in that moment, it seemed to hold the entire world. My throat felt so tight that I could hardly breathe. Next, I found parts of my mother’s cheerleading uniform, and then, the greatest gift of all: her diary. My heart was pounding when I opened it. I couldn’t help but touch the page, let my fingers slide across the words written there. My mom wrote these words. She was really there...sometimes my memories are so faint that it feels as if she never existed at all. But this afternoon, holding her diary, I felt so close to her.

I started reading. The entries were from a time when she was just a year older than me. As I read on, the image I had of her started to crumble. See, my aunt always told me how happy my mom was, what a wonderful and perfect life she had. I have always tried to be like her–just as happy, just as perfect. But it turns out that she wasn’t happy. For example, she didn’t like cheerleading at all but she kept doing it because she was afraid of what would happen if she quite. My aunt always said my mom loved cheerleading. That was one of the reasons why I desperately wanted to be on the team, and it was a complete lie. When I read about my mom’s struggles I felt more anger and hatred burn in me than ever before. I yelled at my aunt about it, about how everything she told me was lies. And then I just wanted to get away, leave, anything but not be in the same house as my aunt.

When I came back from my BF’s just now, she was sitting out on the porch. I could tell she had been waiting for me (she was reading my mom's diary, which made me even more upset; it's silly, I know, but I really didn't want her to read it). I was so not in the mood for a conciliatory talk but she apologized and I felt bad about just running out on her again. She said a lot of almost unbearable things, like that she was trying to protect me by not telling the whole truth (protect me from what I wonder? From knowing my mom wasn’t perfect? Why would that hurt me??). But I am grateful that she told me about how my mom gave the graduation speech for her class, in which she talked about all those conflicting feelings that had been building up inside of her. My aunt even remembered the first line. It is: “I never made a difference here, but maybe my children can.” I cried for a long time after that, for the ideal woman my mom never was, and for the confused girl that I discovered in the pages of her diary today, who is so much like myself.

I wonder if I could get her entire speech somehow. Maybe the school newspaper has a copy in the archive somewhere. I’ll go talk to the editor tomorrow to see if she can help me.

ordinary_guy

10:51 am

Current Mood: cheerful

Thanks!!!!!!!

Woohoo!!!! You people are great! One of you lovely women, or really funky guys, has gone and paid for my LJ for me!!! That's so nice I'm grinning like a mad man. Thanks so much to whoever gave me the gift. It's real cool of you.

*big grin*

Off to mess around with LJ settings - hahahaha

Wed 24

freak4ever

12:48a

Current Mood: frustrated

Back

(private post - comment at sv_journals)

This is so not a good sign. I just went for a run, and kind of ended up at Lex's place. He was up doing work. I snuk into the troy room, and got caught by Lex. I guess I should never be a cat burglar, although the x-ray vision would come in handy.

Lex was really nice about it. I felt bad since he was so relaxed and casual. I've never seen him as relaxed as that. His shirt was open and he was wearing socks. pants too. :)

I tried to x-ray to see through the socks. Just to practice of course. Anyway, he offered me a snack, and we went to the kitchen. He looked so beautiful in the moonlight. It sounds dumb to say that about a guy, but I can't help it.

Since this is very private and nobody but me will see it, I will admit it. He made me very excited. In fact I am getting excited thinking about how excited I was back at the castle. I had to excuse myself to take care of it in his bathroom. I am so ashamed and embarrassed. My mom and dad would be so disappointed.

He smelled so good. He smelled amazing. He smelled sexy. I am turning red just typing this. I'm pretty sure Lex was as excited as I was. Although I guess I shouldn't just assume it was me that made him that way. But if it was, that means he likes me like that! I have no idea what to do about it. Should I talk to him about it? Or maybe I should wait until he says something. He did reach out and touched me. It was on the elbow. I thought I saw something in his eyes. This is moving way too fast for me. I have to slow down. God I can't be attracted to my best friend! I just can't! At least I won't be able to go over there for the next few days. Maybe I'll tell dad to do the deliveries tomorrow. I'm sure he wouldn't mind. I could use the time to distance myself from the situation.

I could talk to mom. I think she likes him. I know she's more willing to accept him than dad is.

I never did get that snack.

I am so fucked.

1:00a

Current Mood: I'm back

Went for a long run. It was fine. Nothing much happened. Just running.

:)

I'm too tired to say much more.

8:19a

Current Mood: cranky

on parents and other things I ponder

So early morning and I am way more coherent now. I went for a run and ended up at the castle. I can admit to myself that it's where I wanted to be. I watched AJL for a few minute. He looked like he was working really hard. Probably on something that will help the town.

I get pretty fed up with hearing my dad slam him so now I just tune him out. Every time I mention AJL, dad either grunts or says something nasty.

Which is really unfair since my dad taught me all my life not to judge, and here he is judging AJL based solely on his last name. Isn't that hypocrisy?

Mom and dad were still asleep when I got home. I really didn't care if they were or not. I shouldn't have been grounded in the first place as far as I'm concerned. I have to get ready for school now. I'm really in a cranky mood this morning. I think Tina is turning into other people and doing things. That might explain everything that's been going on.

If you think that sounds crazy, you never lived in my town. This stuff happens all the time. Trust me. I'm going to check her out today. Watch her to see if she does anything weird. After my mom told me she found money with a bank band wrapped around it at the antique shop, I'm more sure now that something is going on with Tina.

Mom's calling me. She's always yelling that I'm going to be late. Like that would ever happen. Later.

11:21p

Current Mood: weird

holy clone batman

What the hell is going on!

I had the worst experience ever tonight. LL came by. Only it wasn't her. I thought for sure it was. It looked exactly like her, and acted exactly like her.

It's been another crap day. I had to call the police, and tell them that I saw with the money from the bank robbery in Tina's locker at school. (which isn't the crap part since this totally gets AJL off the hook) It turns out she really can shape shift! So when she, as LL, stopped by, she hit on me, and told me she had her eye on me. I was pretty confused since LL is still dating WF. (and since I have wanted to hear these words from her for so long)

She kissed me. I tried to stop her. Since I would never want any guy to kiss my girl. When I pulled away it was Tina.

My second ever kiss and it turns out to be a psycho bank robbing (as AJL) girl. My life just sucks. On top of that it's all my fault!

I hate my life!

On top of that I could only see AJL for a few minutes today. It was nice, but it totally sucked that I had to leave right away. My mom even reminded me. She was pretty adamant that I get home right after. I had the feeling she was talking specifically about AJL.

I have math and english homework to do. Plus I wanted to finish reading that Nietzsche book I was started yesterday. I'm actually kind of tired tonight.

tabloidboy

9:58a

this is a friends only post

First I will warn you, this story does not have a happy ending. And I’ll start if off by saying: I am so fucked.

Late last night, after I posted here, I heard a crashing noise in a nearby room. The staff had gone to bed, so the source was a mystery. That part of the castle should have been empty.

Let me add, just to paint you a full picture, that I was somewhat in a state of undress at the time. Since I thought I was alone.

And I’m sure you can guess where this is going. Who would the intruder be but my angel? Well, actually there are several other, less desirable choices I could think of. But it was my angel. Now, keep in mind that I have explicitly given him an open invitation to my home. He knows he is welcome at any time. However, even I will admit it was strange to discover him there at close to midnight. As it turned out, he’d had a fight with his parents. They’ve grounded him in fact, and he left without their permission. Teenage rebellion like that I can understand – I wrote the book on it.

He acted so guilty, though, when I found him. Like he hadn’t meant for me to know he was there.

I tried to act normal. I offered him a snack. But it didn’t feel normal. There was electricity in the air. It had been a long day, and I had just finished a nightcap. My angel would have been making an appearance shortly in my dreams, I’m sure. But there he was instead in the flesh. Normally I’m able to reign in my libido, but in this instance he presented more of a challenge. His t-shirt outlined his shoulders, and jeans displayed his ass and damn that kid is built! Taller than me and his innocence is like a drug. So fucking sexy.

I’m going to cut to the chase. We went down to the kitchen and I swear the kid was coming on to me. The tension in the air was thick and it took every ounce of restraint I had to keep from grabbing him and just pushing him against the kitchen wall and… I reached out even, touched him, looked up in his eyes and it looked to me like he was fighting the same fight. There was heat in his eyes, tangible, frightening heat. And it just makes me want him more.

Then he excuses himself, and I don’t want to blaspheme my angel here, but I need to write this out to think about it, to make it real. He came back smelling like sex. You fill in the blank. I don’t need to point it out to you, I’m sure.

This was not my imagination, not my fantasy, though it easily could have been. Although if it were my fantasy I’m sure I would have gotten a bit more satisfaction. No, this was torture. And not the good kind.

I think he may have been trying to drive me out of my mind. That’s the only logical explanation I can come up with. It’s clear, my angel is part of some sort of holy mission to punish me by driving me to desperate insanity.

But no, that can’t be it. My angel is a mystery, yes, one I am dying to solve. But I can’t believe that with me at least he’s anything more than he seems. He just looked scared, freaked out. And I certainly gave him reason. No way he couldn’t tell how hard I was for him. Dress pants don’t hide anything. I doubt he could misinterpret the flush to my skin. He may be innocent but he’s not an idiot.

So, in what was I’m sure a wise move, he took off, though we hadn’t had our snack, after telling me he wouldn’t be able to stay tomorrow. It would appear that I, or at least my body, has fucked things up. Not a surprise. When have I ever been able to control anything about my body?

I don’t want to lose him as a friend. And there are so many reasons that I need to get a hold of myself. The fear in his eyes. The fact that he’s fucking underage. And I’m not ancient but I’m significantly old enough that it makes a difference, beyond just the legal issue. Not to mention that I’m a freak and he’s an innocent teenage boy who should be lusting sweetly after his dark-haired, doe-eyed crush. I am going to do everything within my power to set him back on that track.

But fuck I wanted to push him into that damn island in the kitchen and feel him press up against me. Claim those unnaturally red lips because some part of me clearly, undeniably thinks they should be mine. That they are mine. Kiss him until we are equally out of our minds. And then fuck I’d go down on my knees for him right there. Take away all that breathtaking innocence in one unholy act. Take him in my mouth and fucking suck that purity right out of him.

Somehow I doubt that it would transfer to me, though.

***

Well, now you know who you’re really dealing with. I’ve lifted the veil from your eyes, and it’s not pretty. Though, to be fair to myself, I’ve never said I was pretty.

Perhaps this should be a private post rather than a friends only post, but then I’ve always been an exhibitionist.

anotherlife

10:08 pm

Current Mood: sleepy

Odd Encounter

Remember the old friend who visited me on Monday? I had the strangest conversation with her today at school. She creeped me out a bit, in fact.

At first she just talked about how she bought exactly the same sweater as one of mine, which is ...flattering, I guess. But then she asked me if she could move in with me and my aunt because her mom allegedly moves to Metropolis full time. Something felt really off about it. I tried to suppress the feeling because I really wanted to believe her, but I couldn’t. I told her that I’d have to ask my aunt first (well, obviously!) and she just blew up, started yelling at me how this could have been so perfect and how everyone thought we were like sisters anyway. She frightened me and I was glad she just walked away after her outburst. I hope she calms down. Maybe her mom is really sick and she can’t handle that...maybe I should have been more considerate. I was also more impatient than usual because I was so tired.

I stayed up until 3am reading my mom’s journal. It’s amazing to read her thoughts about her life all those years ago. Right now everything I’ve learned about her is just a big bundle of feelings that pulls me into all kinds of directions. It’ll take some time for all of it to sink into my mind. The one thing I can say for sure, though, is that I truly fee like my mom is here with me right now, by my side.

Oh, and I stopped by the editor’s office today but she wasn’t there :(. I’ll try again tomorrow. I’m also wondering what my neighbor is up to these days–I haven’t talked to him since Sunday. He’s probably just really busy with something. School and chores most likely. I’d really like to talk to him about my mom’s diary. It seems like he’d be one of the few people who will truly understand what this means to me. Maybe I’ll just stop by his loft next time I see the light on up there.

redhotmama

07:27 am

My son is usually a good boy and even though he has a problem with tardiness...never been THAT big of a deal. Hello,son. Did your brain shift into your ass? I dont know what on Earth possessed him to stay so late at that Luthor boy's house. I think I may know but I'm not sure and the Bull wouldnt hear of it.I try to be as lenient with him as much as I can but that was irresponsible. He is grounded and I hope he learns his lesson this time. I dont know if I want him hanging out with L anymore.

lions_den

08:18 pm

I remember holding my son a day after he was born. My wife had fallen asleep and I was feeding the child from a bottle. He was a tiny little thing, with a tuft of hair on his head and eyes that strange metallic blue colour most babies have. He was incredible.

I remember thinking what it was like for her, what it's like for women, feeding someone with your body, after having someone be literally your flesh and blood for months. I held him to my chest and he was suckling fiercely on the bottle, like a tiny ravenous vampire, little hands flailing in the air trying to grasp me and the bottle..

Would it be horridly sentimental of me to say I miss that innocence?

~Li

Thur 25

freak4ever

11:15p

Current Mood: gloomy

parents

School sucked. They still haven't found Tina, and on top of that LL was totally unapproachable today. That is, until she came over tonight. She just left. She said she was out for a jog, and happened to be near our place.

I was pretty surprised. She talked to me about something so personal. Her parents died when she was three, and she watched it happen. It's hard for me to even write it here since it hurts so much.

She talked about her mom, and how she found her diary. I was happy for her, but after she left, and I came inside I started to think about my mom. I'm adopted. I have known this all my life, and every single day of my life my mom and dad have told me that I am the best thing that ever happened to them. I love them, but now that I know the truth (and it's a truth I still haven't come to grips with) it's hard not to think about who my real parents are, and where they are now. Why did they let me go? What did they look like?

I went to look at IT. I stared at it for so long. I held the tablet my dad gave me. It's so freaky looking at these things that came from my real parents. I'm sure they had a good reason for leaving me in that field where my mom and dad found me. I just wish I knew what it was. I know I'll never find out.

I wish I could go over and talk to AJL about this. I need somebody right now, and mom and dad won't cut it this time. But I can't. I have to lie to him about these things. I wish I could tell him the whole truth. I'm just so afraid. I just couldn't take the fear in his eyes when he hears what I really am.

I didn't even get to see him today at all. I find myself thinking about him a lot lately. I wonder what his life was like growing up, and I wonder how he's doing and what he's doing. I wonder what he was like at my age. If he already had dates. Though I don't like to think about that too much. :(

I think about what he likes. I mean I know some of the things he likes, but what else. He just seems so closed in, and like he's too afraid to reveal things about himself.

For me, it always comes down to my secrets. I don't even think I can get close to anybody because of them. And I really wish I could. I feel kind of lonely tonight.

I have to get to sleep. Mom just yelled at me to turn off the computer.

night all. :)

tabloidboy

9:43a

I have a headache this morning.

It’s just one of those days where things seem dark and empty. Despite the fact that this is a beautiful season here. The castle seems cold and large, and I don’t begin to fill the space.

There was a small accident at the plant recently. Nothing big but of course things like that don’t help my image in the town. Or rather, they solidify the idea that my family/company is the source of all evil. And perhaps I talk that line myself sometimes, at least where my father is involved. But accidents do happen. They are unfortunate and I’m relieved that no one was hurt too seriously. But it happens.

Sometimes it’s very tiring to represent all these things whenever I leave the house, whenever I interact with anyone. You’d think after this long I’d be used to it, but it’s exhausting.

My angel only stayed for a few minutes when he dropped off the produce yesterday. And he seemed preoccupied. Apparently his parents are quite angry with him. I’m not sure what (if any) role I have played in incurring their anger. I’m sure they don’t understand our friendship. And if they did know how I feel about him, they’d lock him away from me forever. Or they’d lock me up. Yes, the latter is more likely.

But the end result of their anger in this case is that he couldn’t stay for very long. He looked as if he wanted to stay longer. But he also seemed slightly nervous.

And I’ll admit it. I felt very alone in that moment. I feel very alone. Having him come and go like that only accentuated it. It’s not that I don’t interact with people during the day – I do, of course. There are constantly people around. My phone is always ringing. Sometimes I just wish it could all stop and I could be literally left alone. Not have to deal with anyone at all.

Because when I am with others it’s like there is a chasm separating me from them. And most of the time I wouldn’t even want to cross it.

Usually with my angel there is no chasm. But yesterday I felt just a shadow of that familiar feeling, and I really don’t want to feel it, not with him.

grlf_reporting

12:51 am

Current Mood: tired

Girl F checks in after long two days

I've been too quiet lately.

It's certainly not for lack of news, because nothing is ever dull in this weird little town! (My crack journalist instincts are telling me that this whole thing with a local robbery is another X-Files case in the making!)

The reason I have been so negligent with posting the last two days is much more personal, though.

My father suffered a minor work-related injury on the job yesterday morning and he went into the hospital. Don't worry. He's home now, but when I got the call at school just before lunch, I jetted over to the ER to make sure he was okay. He was fine. A little accident with the machinery, then 24 hours and three dressings of bandages later, he's home.

Right after school yesterday I went to keep him company for a while. Then, today I met him at the hospital to get him home safe and sound right after I got out at 3 o'clock. He'll just have to go in for a follow-up appointment this weekend, and by then, he should be back on his feet.

This means I'll be taking care of him for the next couple days. I don't mind. Though, I'll admit that my Dad can be really annoying sometimes. For instance, he keeps asking me when CK and I are going to go out an actual date...

I just roll my eyes and tell him that it's not like that with CK and me. I don't think he believes me, but on the other hand, I have trouble believing me on this sometimes. (Pete, if you're reading this, not one word!)

While I ignore my Dad's advice regarding my social life (*shudders*), he is ignoring my advice to sue his employers for the medical costs and physical damage he sustained pointlessly risking his neck for them.

That's my Dad for you. He'd rather not rock the boat, and he doesn't believe in the negative. How am I even his daughter?! I'm a reporter! I don't just rock the boat! I make sure it capsizes! As for anything negative? That's called a scoop!

Editorial note to self:

Stop wondering what the hell CK is up to! (Never mind the fact that it seems like he's on another planet every now and then... Though I think I heard he was grounded...)

So... Pete! Want to do an article for the paper?! Come on. I know you want to! :)

12:10 pm

Current Mood: surprised

Girl F takes side job as private eye

Today (like almost every other day) I came to the office on my lunch break. I sat down to do some editorial work on this rusty old machine, and who comes knocking at my door but LL (CK's crush and former pom-pom squad frontgirl)!

I was... surprised... but nothing came as big of a surprise as what she said when she walked in. She complimented me on my work with the paper! That she even bothered to read any of the issues was a complete shock! To hear that she liked it too?! Even admired the job I've done with it?! That just threw me for the world's most unexpected loop!

*checks watch* S**t, I'm going to be late for class!

To make a long story short, I'm actually looking into something for her. She even came to me for help, hoping that I could assist her in a personal matter via my research skills.

That floored me! It's definitely the first time anyone's sought my investigative services. Hell, it's the first time anyone's expressed an active interest (in what I'm good at or in my work on the paper)!

The funniest thing is... (I can't believe I'm even saying this, but...) I have the weirdest feeling that (considering the topic of conversation and the nature of the problem she approached me with) I have a lot more in common with LL than I thought I did.

This is Girl F rushing to her next class (which she is definitely late for now).

03:30 pm

Current Mood: pensive

Kindred spirit in the pursuit of truth?

[Friends-only post]

I'm sitting in the office now that I'm done with all my classes, and I had to friends-lock this post to say something that's been on my mind since my little conversation with LL during my lunch break.

I was more than just stunned when she told me she has been reading my issues of the school paper. (To the best of my knowledge, she never read when I edited in junior high.) I was really excited to hear that she admires the work I've been doing. She seemed... really nice. We talked (only for a couple of minutes, but there was a lot to it for such a short conversation), and she was so open and honest.

The reason I made this an exclusive for you (my LJ friends) is due to the personal nature of the subject matter (as it relates to both her and me). The topic of her visit was her mother...

I couldn't help but feel incredibly sympathetic for her when she mentioned it. She told me that she was digging into her mother's past, trying to find out about her and the person she was. (LL lost her mother in a freak accident, which is a common story around here, but her parents were two of the first victims of a serious tragedy in this town.)

I felt this... connection. It was almost as if we... bonded for a second there. Who knows?! We might have done just that! I know I've never given her a second thought before... except to wonder what CK sees in her, but I think I'm starting to see it for myself. Maybe I'm even getting to glimpse a side of her CK doesn't even know about, because I can't be sure, but it doesn't seem to me that she's talked to pretty much anyone else about this. She only brought it to me out of necessity... and oddly enough, it seemed like she came to me because she trusted me.

It's not too likely she knows about the situation with my mother being gone (which I promise to go into in more depth at another time). Nobody really knows about what happened with my mother, because no one cares. LL, however, is a popular tragic figure around the neighborhood. Everyone knows what happened to her parents, including many who don't even live here! No one seems to know that she is apparently in search of her mother's past though. No one, except me now, that is.

I guess we're both on a quest for that one truth... We're both looking for women who should (by right) be a significant part of what defines us, but due to circumstances beyond our control, they aren't around to complete the definition.

This is why I volunteered to track down a copy of her mother's graduation speech for her.

Maybe I'll find some satisfaction in aiding her quest since mine has so recently stalled.

This is Girl F thinking aloud.

anotherlife

05:54 pm

Current Mood: hopeful

On a Quest

I finally caught the editor today, and she promised to find my mom’s speech for me.

I was really nervous when I walked to her office, and it didn’t help that she started our conversation with a crack about the cheerleading team. Well, I took outlawradio’s advice to heart and complimented her on what she has done with the school paper (I do really like the paper but I don’t think I would have told her). I don’t think anyone had said anything about the vast improvement of the paper yet, judging by how her eyes lit up when I said it. Since I was already at it, I also told her that I admire her determinacy and independence. She was pretty much speechless, which probably doesn’t happen too often. Well, the ice was broken then and we had a really good conversation afterwards. I asked her about the speech, and since she couldn’t find it in the archives, she said she’d do some research (the school paper refused to print it in 1977! Can you imagine? I am dying to know what my mom said).

The weird thing is, I told her so much, about my mom, and my parents, and what it feels like to be left behind. It just poured out of me, and I have no idea why. I mean, I don’t even know her. Or maybe that’s exactly why I could talk to her. She’s a good listener,too, which I guess is an important skill to have as a reporter. But I think there was more to her interest besides a good story or curiosity. When I talked about finding my mom’s diary, it seemed as if it touched her in a way that goes beyond sympathy. As if she knew what I was talking about. I wonder if she has lost someone close to her, too. She also seemed sad and unusually quiet during my story (she’s always very cheerful).

I am so very glad I asked her to help me, not only because I hope she will find the speech (which I’m certain she will) but also because I hope that I have found a new friend, and I could really use one right about now. I know I have my BF, but there are things that he just doesn’t get. And I think she might.

Fri 26

freak4ever

1:24p

Current Mood: anxious

So my plan is...

My friend and I are going to look for Tina today. She needs to be stopped, and I feel like I have an obligation to do this. It also bothers me that she robbed the bank wearing AJL's skin, so to speak. Part of me hates her for doing this and part of me identifies with what she has had to do all her life: hide who she really is. I know how this feels.

8:34p

Current Mood: jealous

Close your eyes

Tonight has to be one of the worst nights of my life. First, I had to fight Tina. She wanted to take over LL's life. I stopped her, but I have to say, I really identified with how Tina felt. She wanted normal, and that isn't possible with her condition. I know how that feels. It's what I want.

The police took her away. I had to stand by and watch as LL and WF went into her house. I'd just saved her life and she was with him not me. It hurt more than I could even say to my mom, but she could tell. She was very understanding and now I'm up in the loft alone while LL and WF are together. I don't even want to think about what they might be doing.

I need to get out. I need to go for a run. I need to be anywhere else but here.

10:21p

Current Mood: confused

why me

(friends locked post)

I just ruined everything with one stupid move.

I ran tonight for a long time. I found myself at the castle, and Lex was in. That is AJL by the way. His name is Lex. He was sitting by a dying fire with a drink in his hand. I was so emotionally distraught. I still am. I'm worse in fact, because I just made such a huge mistake.

I kissed Lex. When I say kissed I mean I started it.

It's the first time I've ever kissed anybody. I hate myself because I was being so selfish. I was upset over what happened earlier. I was lonely and he just looked so lonely too. I thought ... I didn't really think at all. I just grabbed him and did it. I forced myself on him. I have never done anything like that. I just grabbed him and forced him to kiss me. I'm very strong. He wouldn't have been able to break free from me.

I can still taste him on my lips. I can still smell him.

At least now I know for sure how I feel about him. He's probably never going to talk to me again.

I was so afraid, I got out of there as fast as I could. I don't know what to do now. Please help me. I'm so scared. I can't talk to my mom or my dad about this. They would never understand. What should I do?

My mom freaked when I came back so upset. I just lied and told her I was sad about Lana(LL). Luckily, mom left me alone.

Except now that I am alone, all I can think about is how I just took off on him. I kissed him and then I ran. I shouldn't have left him there. I should go back or call or something.

I'll call tomorrow. I'll ask him to pretend like it didn't happen. I don't want him to hate me. He's going to hate me.

tabloidboy

11:36a

This has been a week of highs and lows. In which I’ve been framed, and as a result my past has threatened to come back to haunt me. I almost completely fucked things up with my angel, but I did restrain myself. Now he’s grounded and…I miss him more than I should. I mean, I’ve lived my life up until now without him. But I didn’t see him at all yesterday and I probably won’t today either. I miss having something to look forward to.

So instead I am concentrating on work. In some ways I find work as or more seductive than my previous destructive distractions from my old life, though few who knew me before would believe that possible. But there is sublimation in work, just as there is in revenge, and in obsession. Not that losing myself in that way is particularly healthy for my psyche, I know. I’m not deluding myself about that. But right now it’s necessary.

My father has been mysteriously absent this past week. Not a single phone call. Perhaps I should be worried.

11:57p

(friends locked post)

Fuck.

I'm just sober enough to know to friends lock this.

There's no easy way to build into this so I'm just going to start at the end. The very end.

He kissed me.

He fucking kissed me.

No talking. No, hey I might be questioning my sexuality. No waiting for guidance from his older friend. No, he fucking kissed me and then, grabbed me, pressed himself against me so I could feel how fucking hard he was. And then, when I kissed back, when I couldn't hold back any more, when I gave in to everything I wanted to do, and reached up and ran my fingers through his hair, like I've always wanted to, pulled him down into the kiss, and whispered his name because he was the only thing that mattered, then he ran out.

Fucking left me there.

In that goddamned castle where every choice I've made has been wrong.

I had to get away. I had to break things and I had to get away. The staff will clean up the shattered glass. Had to drive as fast as I could in my fastest car just to get away, from him, from myself. From that fucking town.

I don't feel any better here though. In my father's city. The location of my spectacular self-destruction. I don't want to lose what I've started to build. I can't go back to being the person I was. I thought maybe I could. Tonight I even tried to find someone to fuck or to fuck me. There were some takers but I just couldn't go through with it. I'm not that person any more and his kiss is still burning on my lips. Turning my insides out. And drinking isn't doing anything to soften this any. It's just making it worse. I could fly halfway across the world - I'm close to doing exactly that - but I have a feeling I'd just feel the same if I were on fucking Mars.

My father can't know I'm here. Give me two days. Two days to self-destruct, again, but privately this time. And I'll go back.

I'm not going to lose my angel over this. Fuck please don't let me lose him over this. I should never have let it get this far but his lips were so warm and he was burning me up from the outside in and I just wanted to lose myself in him so badly. And he had been crying his eyes were so dark and wet, and I forgot how young he was. I forgot who he was, who I was. I forgot everything because all I've fucking ever wanted is to kiss him.

Just give me two days. Two days to unravel and put myself back together. Two days and I'll get myself under control. I swear to you I'll be back at work on Monday. I am not going to let this derail me. And I'll find a way to make things right with my angel.

grlf_reporting

07:25 pm

Current Mood: bouncy

Girl F comes through with flying colors

[Friends-only post]

Eureka!

Thanks to the oddest connection made in my head when outlawradio commented in reply to my previous entry, I found a tape of the graduation speech made by LL's mom in 1977!

Talk about unlikely logic! Somehow I've always had this uncanny knack for investigating, and I think it comes from a well balanced combo of highly evolved deductive reasoning and the ability to draw inspiration from the most bizarre of places! I guess I'm just overly resourceful :)

So, it should be obvious that there's a reason why this is my second friends-locked entry in a row. Well, here it is:

I'm holding in my hand the tape I am going to rush over to LL's soon and give to her. It has her mother's voice immortalized on it and seems to contain the only copy of this evidently controversial graduation speech to survive an obvious repression of it. It's the last known media of it in existence, or at least the last one to be found anywhere I looked.

I admit. I'm incredibly curiosity as to what it says. I'm almost desperate to know.

It kind of feels like I made some headway in my own quest by proxy.

Although, I'll say for the record that I have not listened to any of it, and that's how it's going to stay. I feel this is a very private thing. It isn't like it's a secret! I know what it is, and I respect the need for personal space and discretion that much more because of that. Besides which, LL trusts me, and as strange as this sounds to my own ears, I really appreciate that, and I do not want to betray that trust, because I do not doubt it is there.

Maybe this is the precise problem I have when it comes to my friendship (and would-be relationship) with CK...

I'm going to eat dinner, then later, I'll go over to LL's and deliver the tape to her myself.

I am so damn proud of myself for having dug this up, and I cannot wait to see the look on her face when I put it into her hands! I have an authentic Pulitzer Prize sense of accomplishment going on here!

It's not just that doing this deed had its own reward (which it certainly did). It's like... someone has put total faith in me, and it feels refreshingly different... Good, even :)

This is Girl F printing with invisible ink ;)

anotherlife

01:41 am

Current Mood: exhausted

Understanding

God, I can’t believe it’s so late already. I really ought to go to bed. So just quickly: I talked to my neighbor tonight. Finally! I kept missing him all week but tonight I saw him on his porch when I came back from jogging. He was a bit strange at first (he asked me if I was really me–huh?) but he snapped out of it. It felt so good talking to him because he truly understands. I don’t need to explain anything, and he still knows exactly where I’m coming from.

We talked about my mom’s diary and about our parents. Or rather, about not really (in my case) or not at all (in his case) knowing our parents. I don’t think he has anything that belonged to his parents...I can’t imagine what that’s like. At least I have a few things, and pictures, and my aunt’s memories (and I really hope she will stick to the truth from now on). He doesn’t even know their names or where they are from. It must hurt him so much. I asked him if he ever tried to find them but he said, in an almost self-deprecating way, that they must be a million miles away now. Ouch. I wish I could help him in some way but if he has been struggling with this for as long as I have, just a few words are not going to cut it. I know that much.

He also talked a more about his new friend, the millionaire, in the most glowing terms--about how he treats him like an adult, in contrast to his parents, and how he’s so glad that the millionaire was proven innocent in the bank robbery. Oh, and apparently, my neighbor got himself a standing invitation from the millionaire! I think my neighbor really likes him. Well, good for him to have found such a friend. That makes me think of my conversation with the editor earlier today...I wonder if she could become an equally good friend to me.

11:06 pm

Current Mood: anxious

Horror and Joy

Something absolutely terrifying happened tonight. I’m still a bit shaky so I don’t know how coherent this will be.

After dinner, I went to my parents’ grave, to talk to my mom about everything I’ve learned about her in the past few days. My BF suddenly appeared, except it wasn’t my BF. I don’t know how or why but he changed into the old friend I’ve been talking about lately. Seems as if she is some kind of meteor mutant who can take on people’s form. I was so scared I couldn’t move..I couldn’t do anything. It was like one of those nightmares, except this wasn’t a dream. At first she just threatened me but then she started choking me, and I passed out.

When I woke up, I was lying in a coffin. A real coffin, with bones in it. I...I cannot describe the terror I felt. I started to scream and to try to get out but I couldn’t and then the air was getting thinner and I knew I was about to pass out again, and the only thing I could think of was how I don’t want to die. I kept praying, please, someone, help me. Don’t let me die. I’m too young to die.

I have no idea how but somehow my neighbor found me and got me out of that coffin. He saved me. He saved my life. I’m beginning to think that he is really meant to help people. I tried to tell him but it came out all jumbled and he just held me for a little while until I could stand up. He took me home and he even called my BF. It’s beyond words how grateful I am for what he did for me tonight. I am so lucky to have him as a friend.

While we were waiting for my BF to arrive, the editor came up to me. I don’t know if she knew what had happened or if she had been on her way to my house anyway, but that doesn’t really matter. She found the speech! She really pulled it off. And the most amazing thing is that it’s actually a tape. I will be able to hear my mom’s voice. I am still in shock over this gift. I have longed to hear her voice for all these years, and now all I have to do is listen to this tape. I don’t know if I can ever make this up to the editor, or if she has any idea how much this means to me (although I have a feeling that she can at least relate). I’ll have to do something for her..hmm, maybe I’ll ask her if she’d like to come over for dinner tomorrow night.

Now I’ll got out to the car and listen to the speech. I want to make sure I’m alone for this. My hands are shaking, that’s how nervous and excited I am. Will let you know more tomorrow.

lions_den

09:21 pm

Current Mood: Mellow

Had a friend over. Very wise friend, years of experience. Likes to play horsies... but that's TMI now, isn't it?...

Anyway, we had a great time. He fences too and is a great dancer. We've known each other forever, we're very comfortable around each other. Almost relaxed, although never entirely.

It's nice, to have company over.

~Li

redhotmama

03:18 pm

Current Mood: frustrated

While this week has certainly been hell. My poor son goes through a heck of a lot. The poor thing has all these special things happen to him. He gets attacked in his own barn by a weirdo and to top it off,he gets his heart stomped on. I have never understood what it was he sees in that LL girl. Not only does she have a boyfriend but she has never really paid him any attention. Im sure her nasty little aunt influences her in some ways. Thats another story for another day. I just hope that my son knows that I love him and support him all that I can.

Sat 27

freak4ever

8:46p

Current Mood: sad

it can't rain all the time

I went to the house. He was gone.

I had a huge fight with my dad today. It was raining nonstop. (somehow I'm sure that's my fault.) I did my chores and then some. I needed something to take my mind off things. I didn't care about the rain.

Later, when I went back in I asked mom if AJL had called. My dad totally lost it. I've been checking to see if he called almost every half hour. He cursed AJL out, and ordered me to never talk to him again. Then he stormed out to the barn. (if you wonder where I get the running away from; look no further)

We're still not talking. Mom came up a few minutes ago to ask how I was doing. She's such a cool mom. I wish I could tell her, but I don't want to give my parents reason to hate AJL. In my dad's case, even more reason.

I called him six times, but there was no answer. A few hours ago I decided to stop by. It was still pouring rain, but I didn't care. I ran all the way there since dad had the truck.

He wasn't home. When I asked where he was nobody would tell me. I checked the garage, and one of his cars is missing. The one we went for a drive in was still there so I sat in it for a while. I thought it would make me feel better, but it just made me feel worse. I got so upset I ran again. Only this time I ran to the farthest point of his property.

I'm back now. I tried to call again, but voicemail picked up. I'm too scared to leave a message. What do I say? How should I explain what happened?

Maybe it'll be like with my dad where we just start talking again as if nothing happened. I don't know about that. I read all the nice stuff and advice you guys left (thanks so much. It really helped), and I think you're all right. If I act like nothing happened that won't change that it happened.

Now that I'm further removed from the moment, I want to go back to it. I want to feel him close to me again. I want to hold him. I'm still scared, but I'm more scared of losing him than anything else.

I think I'll leave a message the next time I call. With the way things are going it'll be the one time he picks up.

11:52p

Current Mood: thoughtful

calling

(friends locked post)

I called and left a message this time. I just asked him to call me when he gets a chance.

My mom made me some apple pie. She watched me eat. I think she was hoping I would confide in her. I couldn't do it. I thought about it, but I just couldn't. I was too scared. I did ask her about dating. She told me about her and dad's first date. It was a really nice story.

Dad still won't talk to me. He's more stubborn than a mule. (that's what my mom said) I also told her I wasn't going to stop seeing AJL, and that dad would just have to live with that.

I guess I talked more than I thought I would. (Pie is my mom's secret weapon.) I wanted so much to ask about how she'd feel if I was gay. I chickened out again. Maybe once I've talked to AJL I'll be able to confide in her about this. I hate keeping secrets from them, but the truth is we all keep secrets from other people. I'm going to tell all of you one of my secrets right now.

I think I'm gay.

Okay you probably figured it out, but I have to tell you, the one kiss I shared with AJL was more of a turn-on than the two I shared with CS and fake LL.

[edit to add: I forgot to friends lock this one. Thanks coffeejunkii for remembering for me. *hugs*]

grlf_reporting

12:53 am

Current Mood: sleepy

Girl F has golden moment

Besides the fact that LJ just ate my long and philosophical entry... *sigh*

Besides all the emotion I just poured into writing that just to lose it, this has been a great night!

To rehash some of what was lost:

I feel like I not only did a favor for someone else today, but for myself too. Now I know that every good deed is its own reward, but there was something so much more fulfilling to this. I had this profound sense of peace from the accomplishment.

I personally delivered the information that LL wanted me to dig up for her, since she actually encouraged me to indulge my investigative talents! Normally, everyone is pretty bent on having me curb my journalistic inclinations. It was really refreshing to be around someone who is so forthright and comfortable with me, and makes me feel like there is trust between us (allowing for privacy and space, but minus the annoying barriers of secrets I feel from certain others). It's like there's nothing to cloud our friendship.

Whoa! Did I just say that?! Yeah... I guess I did. Huh. It seems like we are becoming closer, and I can't say I would mind having her as a friend at all. I could never imagine that before, but it seems like she could be a kindred spirit!

Me friends with LL! Things get weirder around here every day.

It's so strange because I feel like I can just... be me with her. Usually, people dislike or really resent me for being me!

I was so amazed by how happy LL was when I gave my findings to her. Her eyes brightened like Christmas tree lights that had been burned out until all of a sudden they just switched on magically! It's nice to feel like I'm helping rather than hurting when I do my little forays into the past and the hidden truth.

When I got home, it was starting to rain. I'm probably crazy, but I stood out in it for a good fifteen minutes before I came in, and I was smiling up into the sky, breathing in the crisp air, enjoying the light drizzle. When it really started to pour, then I hauled my ass inside, of course, before I got totally soaked. In the time I was out there though, I simply couldn't remember when I had felt so at ease.

This weekend, I don't have anything planned, so I think I'm just going to go with the flow of this feeling and see where it takes me. Ride the wave until it breaks, you know?

This is Girl F wrapping to call it a night.

anotherlife

01:46 pm

Current Mood: determined

Resolutions

I’ll have dinner with the editor tonight.

I stopped by her house this morning and invited her. She was stunned. I think she was already surprised to see me but she was definitely in shock over the invitation. I’m not sure why. It’s not such a big deal, right? I told her that I could never really make up for what she did for me, so the very least I could do was make dinner. Her reaction threw me a little, and I completely forgot to ask what kind of food she likes. Hmm. I should make something vegetarian just to be on the safe side. And there needs to be dessert. I bet she likes chocolate.

I really hope my aunt won’t be hovering over us tonight. I was hoping that she’d be out but she doesn’t seem to have any plans. It’s very annoying because I want to talk to the editor about my mom’s speech but I’d rather not if my aunt is in earshot. That’s too personal for her to know. I’m also hoping that the editor will tell me what investment she had in finding the speech, besides the journalistic part of it. But if my aunt keeps “accidentally” stopping by the kitchen that’s not gonna happen.

But what I really meant to write about is my mom’s speech. I listened to it three times last night. The first time I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t really hear anything she said--I cried all the way through. The second time, I listened to her words, and the last time, I could appreciate all of it: that this is my mom talking, the wonder of me being able to listen, and what she was talking about. I can understand why the school paper refused to print the speech. She said a lot of things that everybody knows but never dares to say out loud. It’s scary that that’s still the case after almost twenty years.

She talked about how when she first got to high school she had all these hopes for the next four years, about what she could achieve and who she could be. As the years went by, she realized that people didn’t want to hear about her dreams (of getting out of our town, of having a career), they only wanted to see the pretty girl who was on the cheerleading team and getting straight A’s. It was eating her up inside but she couldn’t really talk to anyone about it because she was too afraid of being completely alone if she did. So she kept it to herself, pretended to be happy, and went along with what was expected of her. Until graduation. She realized that someone finally needed to lay all this out in the open. She suspected that there were others who felt like her, and she wanted them to know that they weren’t alone.

I can’t believe how brave she was. I am not sure I could have done what she did. Quitting the cheerleading team is one thing but getting up in front of your class and half the town and talk about how hypocritical everyone is for pretending that life couldn’t be any better–that’s an entirely different matter. I have always tried to be like my mother, and I will continue to do so. But instead of being as perfect as she was, I’ll try to have as much courage as she did, to stand up for what and who I believe in, and to embrace what life gives to me. And the most wonderful thing is that I know my mom will be with me through whatever may come.

ordinary_guy

02:22 pm

Current Mood: busy

Yeah, I know I know...

Ok, so I haven't updated in ages - but I have good reason... Unfortunately, it's actually a bad reason. So many things have happened this past week that I've hardly had time to think.

First there was all this crap going on with the bank robbery, and it turns out that this chick Tina had some sort of reaction to the meteors, and she was behind the whole thing, which is really odd... The girl even killed her own mom. I mean, that's lower than low. CK and me found her body in the antique store she ran. Well, CK found it, I just helped him call the cops. I still have no idea how he knew she was in the cupboard... Anyway. That's the weird stuff... Apart from Clo hanging around with sweet girl L, they seem to be gettin' real close...

I haven't really told anyone what's been going on. So if you're reading this now, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I thought I could deal.

My dad's been sick, again. He had some problems after the meteor shower with his health, feeling sick, getting ill, but this time it's really bad. It's his chest, he can't breathe properly. He's on an oxygen machine near enough all day at the moment, the docs said he'd get better, but we're all really worried. So, I've been taking care of everyone. I've been going to school, making out like everything is normal and ok, and I've been going home, looking after the family ( I have three brothers and a sister, all older than me, though they don't seem it. They worry too, but they've seen it more than me, I was really young when he had his worst attacks after the trouble he went through with *the really rich* family we all know and hate here in Smallville) But that's not the point. I've been working, in a bar, just outside of town. I know I'm underage, but I don't care. We need the money, and no one else can be bothered to get it, so I am.

I'll always protect the people I love.

Oh and to top it all, I lost my temper at Mikey (my brother - there goes my algebra help) and well, the computer broke. So I have to get a new one, and pay for that too. Maybe I can get a loan or something, cause I need a computer for class work... really.

Anyway, that's my week. I gotta go, ma wants me.

Later