The Smallville Diaries - Week Sept 28 - Oct 4, 2003

Sun 28

freak4ever

9:41a

Current Mood: hyper

confusion

(friends locked post)

you just won't believe....

It's not getting any easier. I called again. I couldn't help it. This time I called the castle. I asked when AJL would be returning. His butler (or what ever he is) said that maybe tonight master Lex would return. He actually called him master Lex. It was weird.

Dad is so mad at me. He hasn't said a single word. When I asked mom about it, she said they talked for a bit, but again; stubborn mule. Geez he's going to make me suffer all weekend and I didn't even do anything wrong.

Maybe if I work by his side all day, he'll be forced to talk to me.

Mom's calling. I better go. I have to fix a gap in the fence in the far field. (this one is kind of my fault)

tabloidboy

8:54p

this is a friends only post

I think my last post may not have communicated the full story. If it had, I doubt that you all would be saying I shouldn’t have run.

Now, it’s true that I wasn’t completely myself when I posted, nor when I ran. But I don’t regret taking off. If I explain more fully I think you’ll understand. The situation is just not that simple. Maybe you won’t agree with me, but you might see my perspective.

I mentioned in my last post that right before he kissed me, my angel’s eyes were wet, that he had been crying. He had come to me that night because he was upset, clearly, although he didn’t say so at first. But he was upset about something that had happened with his crush. He tried to hide that he was crying; he turned away from me at first, so that I wouldn’t see, but I could tell.

When I asked what was wrong, he asked me why his crush didn’t want him. I told him that I thought she did want him. (I do think that. Not only would she be crazy not to want him, but also I’ve seen a soulful look she gets in her eyes sometimes, looking at him.)

Then he kissed me.

Let me emphasize this. The last thing he said before he kissed me was about her not wanting him.

I knew this was a problem in the moment, I did. But his kiss was so desperate, and he was so clearly aroused, and my defenses were blown, and my resolve had already been weakening, and I couldn’t help but kiss back. I couldn’t help but hope that despite all his talk about her, it was in fact me he wanted.

But…I don’t know exactly how to express this…When I made my presence known, when I pulled him into the kiss, and then whispered his name--he froze, like he realized what he had done, and then he ran. It was as if he suddenly remembered that I wasn’t her, that he was kissing me and not her. That sounds crazy, I know, but that was really how it seemed to me. I called after him, tried to get him to stay, to talk about what had just happened. But he was gone.

I’m not saying that he’s not confused. I’m not saying that he’s not attracted to me at all. I’m not saying that he’s psychotic and actually thought that I was her. I’m sure on some level he knew it was me he was kissing. And yes, there has to be a reason he kissed me.

But he’s in love with her. It may be a teenage crush, but it’s there. I’ve known about it from the beginning.

So yes, perhaps he’s scared and confused and confronting his newly discovered bisexuality. And it’s likely that I’m a catalyst for that.

And I’m not saying that he should be with the prom queen no matter what because that’s the safest way to go. I’ve never been a supporter of conformity or playing it safe.

But he does have feelings for her. And she’s not just some vapid, pretty-faced cheerleader. I’m sure they could discover love together, with its ups and downs and awkwardness and innocence and loss of innocence. The whole deal. That’s what they are meant to have.

The day I came into his life I…well he saved me, gave me a second chance in this world. I don’t want it to be that by saving me he fucked up his life. He was on a path, he’s meant for joy and meaningful warm relationships. I don’t want to screw it all up for him.

My place in his life is as his friend—and even for that I’ve had to force my way in—and you know I’d do anything to preserve that. I just don’t want to fuck him up (and fuck myself up) by going down this other road that may look seductive as hell but that’s not meant to be and is only going to cause pain.

Plus, and I know I’ve said this before, but--when you add to the fact that I’m male the fact that I’m the town pariah, older than him, with a reputation that an innocent farm boy shouldn’t even go near, and then…that I bring with me baggage such as my father, whom I’m sure could screw up his life even more than I could…well, is it becoming clear what a bad idea it would be to take that path?

So I’m sorry but my mind is made up.

***

Finally, a coda for those of you who were worried about my imminent self-destruction. It consisted of turning off my phone, engaging in limited but continuous drinking, replaying CDs meant for these types of circumstances, and watching the rain beat down on the city. I hope that meets your approval. I’m not that fucked up, despite what the tabloids (and I) may tell you. And now it’s Sunday evening and I’m basically sober, ready to head home and face life again. I just needed a little time to myself.

grlf_reporting

12:49 pm

Current Mood: chipper

Girl F does Saturday night

[Friends-only post]

It's 12:49, and I only just got out of bed now! I never sleep in this late, but I was up until 4am with LL last night. Boy, if ever there was a sentence that required an explanation... So let me backtrack 24 hours.

Yesterday around 10:30 in the morning, LL knocked on my door. She was the last person I expected to see when I answered! (I was kind of hoping vainly that it would be CK, because I called to talk to him a few times, and when his mom picked up she sounded a little distressed. She told me that he's upset about something, and that he and his father are arguing, which is pretty much run of the mill over there. I thought maybe he'd come over to BS and get away from it for a while, but he hasn't done that since school started. I really hope this doesn't mean we're drifting apart as friends, because that's what it almost feels like... Sorry. Tangent.)

LL stood on my porch telling me how grateful she was for what I did for her. I was kinda surprised, because she acted like no one had ever done anything nice for her before. Nothing colored me shocked like what she said next, though. She said she really wanted to make it up to me, and before I could reassure her that it wasn't necessary, she invited me over for dinner at her house, saying it was the least she felt she could do. I just stood there for a minute stunned. LL wanted to hang out... like a friends thing! Guess my notion that we were headed in that odd direction wasn't so far-fetched after all.

I did some things around my house, got the layouts I had intended to map out later that night for the paper done, called CK's one more time (still didn't get to talk to him because of chores or moping or something like that), and by then, it was nearly 5 o'clock, and I was on my way over to LL's for the most unforeseen dinner of the century and one of the best times I've had just hanging out with someone in my entire life :)

I got there at five on the dot! I'm the queen of punctuality, even at school! It's pretty pathetic. LOL! LL wasn't quite finished making dinner, and she made a ridiculous amount of apologies. She said she knew I would be there on time, because I'm always to the classes we have together on time. (That she even noticed that made me smile. It's so weird to have someone you hardly know prove that they know you better than the friends you've had for years! CK always arrives late when we're meeting up to do something, and he always makes the ultra lame excuse that he figured I wouldn't be there yet. Where the hell does he get these ideas?!)

It wasn't too long before we were sitting at the table eating. She made some sort of vegetarian dish I recognized from eating out in the city with my cousin Lois. It was so good that I didn't have the heart to tell her that I do eat meat. LOL! It wasn't really about the dinner anyway. We spent the whole time talking, both during and after dinner.

At first, the conversation was just about school and light-hearted topics that were useful icebreakers... Not that there was really any ice to break amazingly enough, but it helped us make the transition into heavier topics. It was really gradual getting into the deeper stuff, but I noticed her aunt was hovering around us most of the time. She practically refused to leave us alone! So we ventured into some less private convo.

We talked about CK for a little while, which was unbelievably comfortable! I vented to her, spilling a few of my complaints about him and his behavior lately, and she asked me a few (thankfully non-personal) questions about him, and I entertained her with a couple anecdotes from our childhood. Like, I told her about this one time when I was eight and just bored and searching for an adventure, so I ran over to CK's (he lives pretty close... In fact, he lives pretty close to both LL and me... and he still manages to seem like he lives on another planet!) and the two of us ran away for four hours to his barn! LOL! We had a lot of fun discussing little stories like that one, and the really weird part is that I didn't feel threatened by LL talking about CK with her. (Okay, I reluctantly admit I have felt just a bit threatened by her in the past, but only because she has so totally monopolized CK's attention at times that he forgets his friends completely!)

After a while, her aunt's presence really became imposing. She kept interrupting and it seemed like she was eavesdropping! (I'm a reporter, and I know a spy when I see one!) It was unnerving especially to LL, because I saw that she was squirming every time her aunt even passed by, and I had already gotten the impression when she had invited me over that she had probably wanted to talk about what she had heard on the tape of her mom's speech. I knew that wasn't going to happen, because we had no space thanks to her aunt, so I suggested we relocate to my house for a while. I made up a cover about wanting to show LL my progress with the issue of the paper I was currently working on, and her aunt bought the story, though she seemed to have reservations about the whole situation.

As soon as we left, LL seemed to relax. I couldn't blame her with Big Sister constantly watching, not to mention, breathing down her neck! Once we got back to my house, she seemed to be totally at ease, like she had recoiled back at her own house, and now she could finally unwind. There was the inevitable run-in with my Dad, who could not be more embarrassing, but he's great, and LL seemed to like his extremely lame jokes. He kept offering to make us a late supper, but I kept having to repeat that we just ate a couple hours ago!

When we got up to my room, things started out simply enough. She said she really would like to see my progress on the edition of the paper currently in the works (even though that had just been an excuse to get LL out of her house). No one ever expressed such an interest, and so... I've sort of never had to turn my computer on with someone else in my room before, and I... kinda forgot about my desktop picture where Angel (from Buffy) is kissing Spike (again, from Buffy)... *hides*

My face turned bright red! Enough to match the scarlet shirt I was wearing. I tried to not look at her face, because her expression was a little... stunned. I think I said something lame to the effect of, "You should probably just ignore that." Then, I started laughing under my breath uncontrollably. Luckily, she started laughing too (God, this is such a giggly girl thing that it barely sounds like me!), otherwise I would've been too mortified to look her in the eye the whole rest of the night.

After that initial awkwardness passed (which it did quickly and without question... Thank God!) and I showed her around the programs I used to edit and design the layouts, etc., the heavier stuff started to come out. It was probably about 8:45 when we got to my house and it was shortly after 10pm that we shut down the computer, and she brought up the tape I had given her.

She talked about her mom's speech, and she shared the general gist of it. (I had been right when I thought that since it was so purposely deleted from our school's records that it was probably the only one worth listening to.) Listening to LL talk about her findings and feelings regarding her mother and this speech really touched me. There was so much depth and character in everything she said (both LL and her mother, actually), and I realized I had really misjudged her all this time that I spent biased against her. I felt so stupid for having ever been so prejudiced or having this stereotypical view of her, and not to mention letting my own little crush on CK influence my perceptions about her. I saw what would make CK care about her so much, and I was ashamed of myself for having ever questioned the authenticity of that. Obviously, he's been seeing the inner person, where I had been seeing the outer one... until now. Though I do feel a little more mature for having finally seen this light, I feel that much more immature for not having given myself a chance to see it before... for not having given LL a chance before.

Hearing LL talk so much about herself and her mother made an easy opening for me to talk about my situation with my mother. Maybe now she understands better why I did this kind deed of good will for her, but I hope it didn't come off like ulterior motives for my own personal satisfaction were the only reason I did it, because that's just not true. While helping her played a part in being able to come to terms better with my present state of this private quest, my best reason for doing it was because I could and she wanted me to. She needed my help, and that's not something anybody's ever asked me for as my field of expertise goes.

I don't have time to go into much detail here now (because I'll elect to delve into it at a more appropriate time, but I am simply too happy right now to dwell on something that morbid), but suffice it to say that I told her my mom left when I was very young, and that I've never given up hope of finding her someday. She did the most amazing thing! She listened to me talk about how my mom hadn't written or called or tried to visit, and all of my subsequent rambling nonsense as some details of it just spilled out, and she never once looked at me with pity. I can't stand that look. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, and that's why I don't tell these things to anyone, but she was so different. This was so different! I felt so much better after I talked to her. (I fought it, but I did cry just a couple tears for about two seconds, which was more sappy emotional than I have been since I was like nine!) The best part is that she was sympathetic without being patronizing about it! She didn't make me feel like I was some sort of martyr to single-parent only-child familydom. She was just... there for me. Just like I was there for her when she talked about her mom.

By time we even glanced at a clock, it was 3:23! We decidedly it was definitely time to call it a night. Before she went home, I gave her my phone number so that she didn't have to walk over to my house to ask me if I wanted to hang out or do something.

Then, I brushed my teeth, changed for bed, and collapsed! It's so funny, because I didn't even begin to feel how tired I was until after she had left! I slept straight through noon, and now I'm up typing this entry as the first in a long line of tasks for the day.

I had a fantastic time with LL, and I'm actually really hoping that we'll be able to get together and just hang out again sometime soon. Maybe next time, we could just BS more without all the heavy stuff to keep things so serious... Geez, I still can't believe this is me talking! I know it certainly doesn't sound like me! The thing is though, I can feel this... connection with LL, and I haven't ever felt that instantly close to anyone before. It's scary how well it seems we know each other already, and really we don't know each other at all... What's that about?! LOL!

Well, I have a ton of catching up to do around here. The paper isn't going to organize itself, and if it did, I'd be out of a job! :)

Note to self:

Maybe I should try calling CK again later. I still haven't heard back from him, and I'm getting pretty worried. Ugh! This is so typical of him! I'm in a perfectly good mood, and he has to put a damper on it by being him!

This is Girl F reporting from a sunny but foggy place in my head.

03:06 pm

Current Mood: excited

Girl F gets revved up for her TV fix of the weird

It's Sunday, and you all know what that means! This is the week it premieres!

Just 3 more days until the new season of Angel!

Although I am definitely missing Buffy, Angel will just have to do ;)
The return of Spike is merely an added bonus :)

*sigh* Angel.

This is Girl F reporting with a brief anticipatory squee.

On Editorial note, since I have revealed through my previous entries that I was (and still am) an avid X-Files fan, it should come as no surprise to anyone that I'm also a fairly big Buffy fan. Especially when you take into consideration my penchant for the weird (to put it mildly)!

anotherlife

09:06 pm

Current Mood: happy

A Whole New World

I’m really sorry I didn’t post last night, or earlier today. I was up until 4am talking to Chloe (that’s the editor, but I feel weird calling her that now; it sounds so impersonal...I’d ask her if she minds me using her name here but then I’d have to tell her about my LJ and I’m not quite ready for that yet), and then my aunt kicked me out of bed at 9am. I swear it was her revenge for me staying out so late. She didn’t say anything about that, mind you, but that’s usually an indication that she’s furious. That’s fine with me because I feel pretty much the same way about her right now. I got out of the house as soon as I could, and only got back now.

But about last night. It was the most wonderful evening in a long time. Do you know this feeling when you meet someone new whom you have an immediate connection with? How there is this buzz? You get really excited and want to hug the whole world? That’s kind of like how I feel now. I’m so excited about spending more time with Chloe. And to think that I could have gotten to know her so much earlier almost kills me. It’s like with my neighbor: there is a person who I’ve known of for years but never realized how much they’d have to offer if I had just put in the effort of getting to know them. Again, I am sad about all the lost time.

Dinner was nice. She liked what I made :). The only downside was that my aunt kept interrupting us, as I feared. It was almost offensive, and I got so mad. Why can’t she just leave me alone? She has no problem leaving me and my BF alone so why did she have to snoop around when Chloe was there? Guess that’s different to her. Well, Chloe was nice enough to come up with an excuse to get us out of the house, about how she wanted me to take a look at the next issue of the school paper. I don’t think Chloe meant for me to realize that it was just an excuse so I went along with it. Plus I really think no one appreciates all the work Chloe puts into the paper and I know how much she cares about it (it’s her life!), so I wanted to let her know that someone cares.

It felt so good to be away from home. I got to meet her dad too, and he was so nice. Chloe was completely embarrassed that her dad tried to leave a good impression on me, but I thought it was charming. The two of them definitely have a really different, and apparently much better, relationship than me and my aunt.

So, Chloe showed me the current issue of the paper on her computer and then we...oh, wait, no I have to tell you about this. She had this picture on her desktop of these two guys from a TV show (can’t remember which one, I don’t watch much TV), and they were kissing! Huh. Poor Chloe was completely embarrassed. I didn’t really care–it’s just one of her oddities that make her so unique.

After all that we finally got to talk about the stuff I had wanted to talk about all evening: my mom’s diary and the speech. Once more, Chloe was an excellent listener. And she did tell me why she was so keen on finding the speech for me: her mother left the family when she was really young, and Chloe hasn’t heard from her since then.

I think it was very hard for Chloe to talk about her mom. I have no idea why she entrusted me with this–maybe it’s because I can understand. I felt a little overwhelmed by all this, and I had no idea how to react. I know how shallow and trite most things sound that people say to you in these kinds of situations, so I said very little. I hope she understood. It completely broke my heart, though, when she started crying at one point. Again, Chloe isn’t the kind of person who cries easily. She always tries to be really strong. I...I had no idea what to do. I didn’t know if she wanted me to reach out to her, or to pretend that I didn’t see that she was crying. So I just sat there until she regained her composure. I feel bad now for not at least saying something to her. But in that moment I just couldn’t do anything. I wish we could have talked more but it was already so late by then. She drove me home and even though I was dead-tired, I couldn’t fall asleep. I kept going over our conversation in my mind for at least another hour (I swear I could hear the birds singing as I finally fell asleep). Chloe is so different from the other people I’ve been spending most of my time with recently. She has an opinion on everything, and she has all these plans for her life. Maybe she can help me sort out some of what has been bothering me for the past few weeks.

Since I only slept five hours last night I am totally wiped out now. Maybe I shouldn’t have done all these things today (went out riding, and stopped by the retirement home because I’ve decided I want to volunteer there), but I just couldn’t be around my aunt. Oh, and my BF took me out to dinner tonight, which was so sweet of him! We decided to go to Metropolis to catch a really exciting exhibition (a retrospective of modern art) on Tuesday :). I had to coax him a little but he finally agreed that some culture couldn’t hurt (indeed!). But now I really need to go to sleep, despite the ridiculously early hour.

Mon 29

freak4ever

10:45a

Current Mood: rushed

all is right with the world

(friends only post - only friends can comment)

I went by last night and we talked. Everything is fine now. I'm pretty sure it was seeing LL with her boyfriend that set this off. I was lonely and I thought that I could substitute somebody else. I just wanted comfort. Lex understood. I think.

I promised him it would never happen again. Maybe Lex is right, maybe I do like Lana. But then why would he kiss me back? I thought maybe... but I guess not. I also promised never to run out on him. I was the one who made the whole thing harder. I shouldn't have run. I didn't even ask him where he was. I feel like such a bad friend.

The truth is, while I was making the promise I wanted to kiss him again. I know that's not fair to him or to me, but I couldn't help it. He looked so tired and so . . . (I can't call a guy pretty and other stuff like that) I've never seen him look like this before. He looked confused and sad and maybe a little hurt. When he touched me on the knee I thought for sure something was going to happen, but then it didn't.

He was relieved we worked it out. I guess he only kissed me back because he was caught up in the moment. He never once said he liked it or that he wanted it.

After we talked, we played a game of pool. Then he tried to convince me to go after Lana. I just can't do that. Lana has a boyfriend and I won't interfere with that. If they break up I'll step in, but until then I guess I'll just have to stay friends. I don't mind so much.

Mom and dad are talking about money again, or lack of it. Things haven't been great this year. I do a lot of work on the farm, but I know it's not enough. I wish I could help them more. I talked to Lex about it last night. He reassured me that everything would work out.

Dad's talking to me again. Out of the blue just like that he suddenly asked me when I'd be home from school. Today is delivery day and he wants me to get them done by six so he can have the truck back. Which means I won't be able to stay over at Lex's this afternoon. Oh well, we can always talk another time.

9:34p

Current Mood: enthralled

sigh

I just got back from a party by the lake. I hate these stupid things, but CS wanted to go. I felt kind of bad that I didn't spend any time with her this weekend. It was kind of annoying to say the least.

Sean approached me to ask if CS was single. I told him she'd never consider going out with him. Then I watched as he hit on her, and as she wrote her phone number on his hand. I wanted to tell her what he'd done to me last month, but then I would have to tell her that I was the scarecrow. I wasn't about to go there.

We left shortly after the pizza arrived, but not before we grabbed a few slices. LL and WF were there. I just stayed away. There was no point. She was in his arms. She looked really happy.

Oh well.

The best part of my day was when I saw AJL for a few minutes. Unfortunately it was a short visit since I had to get the truck back to dad. He looked really good. I mean he was wearing a suit. He's a business man. Let me just say I hate suits but he looked . . . just wow. It was probably really expensive.

He must have just gotten home since he was removing his tie.

I know I will think about how he looked when he took his tie off for quite some time.

I can fantasize can't I?

grlf_reporting

01:33 am

Current Mood: worried

Do friends come and go, or are they forever?

[Friends-only post]

God, I'm lame! I decided I had to make at least one non-friends-locked post for once, because that seems to be all I've been doing lately... So I wrote a quick entry about how I'm looking forward to the season premiere of Angel! *shakes head* I mean, I am psyched for it, but I probably won't even get to watch it. Something will come up and I'll just have to rely on taping it, then I'll watch it later long after everyone else has seen it.

To go on a very small editorial rant, I am really going to feel the loss of Buffy this year. This town is a lot like Sunnydale in some ways... It's kinda freaky, actually... Though, I'm pretty sure there's never been vampire stories here. I don't know why not. Seems like we have everything else! *takes breath* Okay. Rant over :)

Back to what I was saying before, it felt like a bit of a cop-out to post just about that, but I had to write something so it looked like I'm actually using this LJ still. (Pete does read it, after all, and it's hard to talk about a lot of things on here without some sort of protected access, since he knows everyone I know.)

That brings me to the reason I made this entry friends-only. Pete, to be exact. I'm kinda worried about him, because he's been a little quiet lately. I haven't seen him post in his LJ in a while either, but mainly, it's just this thin wall that seemed to be up around him when I saw him at school last week. I think he and CK might be having issues, but then again CK seems to be an issue in and of himself lately! All this stuff is going on with him, and his friends (ie, Pete and I) are getting left out... in the cold! And the dark!

Maybe I talk about CK too much to Pete. CK is his best friend, and they are hitting minor turbulence in their friendship lately (which I suspect is a result of CK's on-again, off-again distance from us), so maybe that is a source of tension for Pete, and I should stop even bringing it up. I'm probably causing extra friction whenever I mention CK's growing association with Richie Rich. He's spending an awful lot of time with CK, and I'm positive that Pete is jealous (though he'll deny it until he's blue in the face). If Richie Rich and CK are getting close, then I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt (in which case, I should probably think of something else to call him, something less caustic). Though, no matter what, I'd definitely say Pete is right to be wary of this rich guy's father, whom I can call Daddy Warbucks without causing a smear on my social or personal conscience.

Back to focusing on Pete and CK. We all have our secrets, I guess, and none of us seem ready to break the silence, so I'm just going to do the only thing I can think to do. I'm going to pretend that everything is okay. Just for a while, to see what happens. It would be nice if everything could just be brought out into the open and resolved so we could all move on, but my instincts are telling me that whatever this undercurrent is, it's not that simple, and it can't be dealt with so easily.

I suppose I could sum all of this up in two words: High school!

We had always thought nothing would change between the three of us, but it seems like a lot has this past month... Geez, has it been that long already?!

I'm glad LL and I are becoming friends, because it seems like my other friendships are kind of stuck in transitional freshman limbo. At least I have someone I feel I can talk to and just hang out with. Everyone else, I feel like I have to make an appointment or something!

Well, there's a depressing observation for you...

I just had a really random thought. I wonder if CK spends so much time with this guy because he feels the same kind of profound connection I feel with LL? Wouldn't that be funny?! Not to mention, ironic! Just another stinger on the cosmic joke that is this transmundane little hamlet.

This is Girl F signing off for the night.
I think I've more than met my share of introspective for the day.

anotherlife

10:51 pm

Current Mood: energetic

Good Times Ahead

I have a feeling that this is going to be a really good week :)

Today was already an excellent beginning. School was pretty interesting, even math--although the interesting part wasn’t due to the material but rather due to my neighbor. He looked so absent-minded and sad in class today that I couldn’t help but watch him (he sits two rows in front of me so he couldn’t see me). Something is really bothering him... the way he kept shifting in his seat, sighing to himself, said it all. I was thinking about asking him after class but this must be something really personal and important so that school is the last place where he’d wanna talk about that.

After school I did my first shift at the retirement home. Remember I wanted to give riding lessons? They didn’t give the job to me :(. They said I was a bit too young and there’d be some insurance issues. It’s too bad. But I really wanted to do something other than school, and I heard the retirement home was looking for volunteers for their reading program, so I signed up. I’ll have two shifts a week. Oh, and this also counts towards a requirement for school so that’s convenient. I enjoyed my work today. I talked to this old man who wanted to be a concert pianist when he was my age. He was really sweet.

Then, tonight, my BF and I went to a party by one of the small lakes around here. Well, it wasn’t actually a party, just a bunch of people hanging out. It was pretty cold (we already had our first frost tonight!! That’s way too early) but my BF had brought a blanket that we huddled under :). My neighbor and Chloe were there too. I talked to her for a while after my BF left to do god-knows-what with his football buddies. Chloe and I talked about the exhibition my BF and I are gonna go to on Wed (we had to reschedule from Tue because something came up). Of course she had already heard about it, which didn’t surprise me at all. What did surprise me was that she gave her number to one of the biggest jerks in school (I was watching her talk to the guy). I told her not to go out with him. She’s way to good for an idiot like him. Chloe deserves someone who can appreciate all her different interests and be excited about them. Plus the person should be as smart as her, which totally rules out this guy because he has a brain that resembles an amoebae. I really hope she just gave him the number because she’s doing some kind of experiment for an article.

Well, now I’m gonna finish my reading for English and then go to sleep. Good night all!

Tues 30

freak4ever

10:08p

Current Mood: surprised

I have a non-date . . .

. . . with LL. This afternoon I was kind of watching LL at the coffee house. She was just reading like she always does. I was trying to figure out some things. Then AJL stops me and tells me to go for it. He even gave me tickets to this really cool concert, and offered to throw in the limo.

I was pretty surprised, but I took the tickets and did what he said. I asked LL out to the concert. She said yes. I made sure she knew it was just a friends thing, not a date or anything. I mean just because she's seeing somebody doesn't mean she can't go out with a friend, right?

So tomorrow night we're going to a concert. I'm nervous. I know it isn't a real boyfriend girlfriend kind of thing, but I've never actually been on a date. Ever. I've been to some of the school dances, but I always went alone and left alone.

Part of it has to do with my mom and dad and how overprotective they are. I don't blame them for it, I just kind of wish sometimes that things were different. My mom and dad didn't say much when they found out.

ordinary_guy

09:14 am

Current Mood: crazy

Current Music: None - am in class - oops! *g*

Busy Night

Good news! Dad's feeling a little better. He's actually out of bed now, and breathing pretty well on his own so that's cool. I missed out on the beach party last night, but I don't mind. It's all cool. Clo was asked out by this guy from the team - he's a nice guy, not got the best track record with the girls, but he's alright.

Denise called, she wanted to know if I fancied going out tomorrow night, so I thought what the heck, I think we're gonna go see a movie, or maybe just hang out. It'll be nice to get back into the dating game! Who'd have thought huh? Clo with a date, me back to dating other girls instead of thinking about dating you know who... all we need to do now is get CK sorted out... *g*

This is the life.

And Clo, I don't think , a Vegas bookie picks my dates!!! And you know I care about you, right? I didn't mean to make you think I was treating you bad.

You're still my number one babe.

*laugh*

lions_den

04:26 pm

Current Mood: ranting

Current Music: New Killer Star

My son is interested in a man I shall refer to as Angel from now on. Not because he's so divine, but because he reminds me of a certain character I dislike from a certain TV show. Has that same brooding, angsting, "I'm the centre of the universe", "woe is me", "I'm so great I can just lie to everyone because I'll be a good guy anyway" vibe to him.

Well, I guess I'm being judgmental. I just think my son can do better. I suppose every parent thinks that, but rest assured, in a very objective way, my son can do so much better. Always had the most horrible taste in lovers, I don't know who he's got it from. That boy lies to him, uses him, and he's an uneducated, uncultured underachiever with a father who mostly resembles a mule. My son tries to offer help to this man and his family but keeps getting rejected - and keeps coming back. At least I know who he's got that from.

Still think he can do better.

~Li

Wed 01

freak4ever

1:08a

Current Mood: horny

sweet dreams

(friends post - only friends can comment)

I just woke up from a dream. It was one of those dreams, if you know what I mean. This is kind of hard for me but here goes.

We're at the mansion playing a game of pool, and Lex says 'it's kind of hot in here.' He unbuttons his shirt and lets it hang open. I can't help but stare at his bare chest. It's so nice and smooth and pale. He notices me staring and sits me down on the leather sofa. Then he holds my hand and tells me I can touch if I want to.

So I did. He's really soft. I've already touched his lips from when I saved his life, and the kiss so I know how they feel.

I lean in and kiss him again only this time he grabs me and pushes me back so he's on top of me.

That's when I woke up with wetness everywhere. It's embarrassing. I usually don't have those kinds of dreams. Most of the time once I've taken care of it, I'm good for the rest of the night. I'm still excited.

I better clean up. Night.

1:39p

Current Mood: stressed

the big night

CS and PR teased me relentlessly at school. They even figured out that it was AJL's doing. I guess it's because we've been spending so much time together.

Sean tried to ask CS out again, but before she could even say a word he took off. The guy is such a jerk. I wish she wouldn't bother with him. It's not like she isn't pretty. I think she could easily get a guy.

She promised to come over today after school to help me decide what to wear on my non date. Apparently when I'm out with LL my parents will be over at AJL's talking about money. I hope my dad gives him a chance.

10:34p

Current Mood: disappointed

It was ....

... a total bust. I was so nervous I resorted to card tricks. She didn't seem all that excited to be there. She even turned on the tv in the limo. Which was kind of a plus since the news was on.

CS made a - what did she call it - 'fact finding mission to see if he's worthy of a date.' with Sean. If LL hadn't turned on the TV I would never have seen the story on the news about Sean's ex girlfriend being killed.

I dropped LL off at the coffee house, and promised to be right back. I couldn't let CS meet up with Sean.

I saved CS and took her home.

I guess it wasn't meant to work out. At least CS is okay. I was so relieved I made it to her.

After that I had to go see if I could salvage the non-date. I couldn't. She was gone. Which actually didn't bother me that much. What really bothered me was the fact that Sean went after everybody I care about. He tried to kill me (I'm fine).

It's over now. LL is home with WF - she sprained her ankle. My mom and dad are asleep. Sean never got near the castle. He tried to attack it. There was no way I was going to let him near all the people that I care about.

AJL was entertaining my parents.

I think I'm going to go see if he's okay.

tabloidboy

1:32a

I nearly lost an important part of my anatomy today. Those of you who were warning me to lay off the fantasizing—this would have certainly put a crimp in any such activities. And it was my angel’s mother, no less, coming after me with a chain saw!

No, no, it wasn’t like that. I’m just trying to live up to my reputation as a drama queen. It was all an innocent if temporarily heart-stopping almost-accident. But I escaped in one piece. And in exchange for risking my bodily integrity, I succeeded in convincing my angel’s mother to hear me out on a business proposition. My angel confided in my about certain problems they were having, and I am in a position to help. What good is this money if it can’t ensure my angel’s happiness and well being? However, given how his father feels about me, I doubt they will accept my help. But I can be very pervasive, so it’s worth a try.

Speaking of which, I also secured a date for my angel with his crush. I know, I know...I can hear all of your keyboards madly clicking away: ‘tabloid boy, you masochist! Don’t you see what you’re doing? Why would you do this to yourself?’ But really, it’s for the best. He seems so shy and happy with her, so hopeful and sweet. And she needs to lose the quarterback. And, once they’re together, I’ll know that I played a role in their happiness. It will have to do.

grlf_reporting

01:09 am

Current Mood: cynical

Girl F turns the other cheek

On a whim, I persuaded CK (whom I finally got in touch with!) to make up his weekend-long dismissal of me! That is, I found out about this little party in the woods, and I insisted that we go, just to try and explore the town's teenaged nightlife! It was my first venture to a high school kids party, and CK's too I think. He was way less than thrilled to be there, but I was just kind of soaking up atmosphere.

There were little fires going and couples huddled under blankets. It was freezing, but it just felt cool to be out in the woods at night with this little hub of activity going on around us.

While I was warming my hands (away from CK), this guy came up to me and started making these really lame come-ons, but I have to admit that I really liked the attention. It was more than CK or anyone else has ever given me. My friends barely notice me most of the time nevermind make efforts to engage me in conversation like that! The only possible exception is LL. The thing is usually I'm fighting tooth and nail to get anyone else's attention, but this guy seemed to be pining that way for mine!

Okay, I confess! I got caught up in the romantic idea of just being wanted. I did my best to sound like my usual self, but I was hardly acting on my better judgment. The guy is on the football team. Yes, he's a total jockstrap, so that should clear up some of my reservations about this guy, but he's a hot jockstrap! I probably shouldn't have let myself get swept off my feet by a slight breeze in my direction, but don't I have a right to have some fun too?!

LL was there with her jockstrap boyfriend, and being that's what her boyfriend is and they are having all these problems lately apparently, I should probably have taken the advice she gave me and not given this guy a second thought. I did, of course, though!

That night I gave him my number. (I wrote it on his hand, like a true sheep to the wolven masses.) I even said when he asked for it that he wouldn't call, but he reassured me he would, and I fell for it obviously, because he didn't call tonight. Not that I was waiting by the phone or anything, but... it would've been nice to have even heard it ring, or to have gotten home and heard I had a message from the guy! I don't know why I deluded myself. I knew this wouldn't go anywhere.

I'm always showing my claws as a journalist and my teeth as this happy-go-lucky person, but I must wear my heart on my sleeve too, because I shouldn't be so starved for affection that I'll go against every instinct and principle I have to get it.

Letting that subject disappear quietly into the background, when I decided I had enough of sitting around the office, I wasn't ready to go home yet. (I had worked myself up too much thinking about whether or not this guy had called or would call, and I did not want to get there only to be proven right and have my bubble burst so soon. I guess I wanted to make the illusion last a little longer.)

Instead of going straight to my house, I stopped by the local coffee shop and found LL lounging there! She was knee-deep in a book she was reading. I stood watching her for a minute, then I got this irresistible playful impulse. I snuck up behind her, put my hands over her eyes, and waited for her to guess who I was. She thought I was her boyfriend! She told me she assumed that because he had just left. He had just cancelled plans with her to go to this exhibition she was really psyched for, and all because he forgot! *snicker* Typical! Right now, thinking about that, I can't believe I was even considering the possibility of going out with one of those jock jerks! This is what all of them are like. I'm sure of it! Why does LL even go out with her jockstrap boyfriend?! She seems so much better than that. She deserves a lot more!

Anyway, I volunteered to go with her to the exhibit. I'm not even sure what it is exactly, but I'm up for pretty much anything, and I'm sure the two of us will have a great time. I'm looking forward to this now! It more than makes up for the guy that I gave my number to giving me the cold shoulder.

This is Girl F reporting, and since the screen is becoming one big blur, I'm going to turn in for the night.

anotherlife

01:19 am

Current Mood: excited

Surprises

A few odd things happened today. Some with a nice outcome, the others...well, not necessarily bad but they made me think.

Let’s start with the good. Totally out of the blue, my neighbor asked me if I wanted to go to a concert in Metropolis with him tomorrow! He got two free tickets (from the millionaire, I assume). See, I knew this was going be a good week. I just hope he really doesn’t think of this as date. He stressed that it wasn’t in a somewhat awkward way. Like, I would have never thought of this being possibly a date if he hadn’t made the express point that it wasn’t. I know he has this crush on me (well, supposedly, I’m still not so sure about that). God, I hope he isn’t secretly hoping this is a date. I don’t want to disappoint him. Hmm. Oh well, we’ll see.

As for the not-so-good...my BF cancelled our visit to the exhibition :(. He stopped by while I was at the Beanery this afternoon. He totally forgot about our plan (how. i wonder, when we only talked about this yesterday?), and instead agreed to buy a pay-per-view fight with his friends. Since he'd already given them the money, I couldn't ask him not to go. I was pretty upset because I've been so excited about seeing the exhibit. But I was even more upset because right before my BF came in, the millionaire talked to me and basically told me that I was with the wrong guy. That was rather rude but when my BF did indeed cancel on me, I couldn't get his words out of my mind....I mean, not that I agree with him about being with the wrong guy, but...oh I don't know. Sometimes I do have my doubts about my BF, as you know, and if other people (who don't even know me) have doubts too...

Anyway, I started reading after my BF left, and all of a sudden, someone was holding their hands over my eyes, and I thought that he had come back, but it turned out to be Chloe. At that moment, I was way happier to see her than him. She's just always so energetic that I knew she'd be able to make me feel better. I told her about the situation and then--this is the second big surprise of the day--she offered to go with me to see the exhibit next weekend!!! That's so sweet of her. I bet she makes a better companion for this exhibit too, since my BF tends to make all these silly remarks whenever we go to to an art show together. He just doesn't have the patience, I guess.

God, it's so late again! Need to go to sleep right now.

Thur 02

freak4ever

11:17p

Current Mood: ecstatic

interesting night

(friends only - friends can comment)

Where to start.

I went to the castle last night. So much happened. It was a great end to a horrible day.

We sat and watched TV for a while. I was too tired to talk. All I can say is. Wow. He was only wearing pajama bottoms, and when I arrived he didn't cover up or anything. He looked so hot. I lay my head down on the sofa, and pretended to fall asleep. He touched my hair. Actually, he stroked it. (It was really nice.)

I was exited to say the least. So was he, I think. Then he offered me a bed. Not his unfortunately. :)

I asked him to stay until I fell asleep. After everything that had happened, I just didn't want to be alone. He agreed to stay. It was really nice to have him there. I felt safe. Which is kind of weird since I am the strong one. He smells so nice. Not like me. I smell kind of funny.

We fell asleep in the same bed! I was so content. so happy. When I woke up a few hours later I was pressed up against him. (One of my fantasies.) He was so warm and soft. He wasn't wearing a shirt. His skin is so smooth; like silk. I wanted to stay close to him, but I was afraid of what he would think.

After that talk, and how he helped me get the date with Lana, I'm just not sure. I'm more confused than ever.

He went back to his own room once he woke up, (which sucked - and not in a good way. Hey I think of that kind of stuff. At least now I do.) I wanted him to stay, but how was I supposed to do that. I'd already faked sleep to get him closer.

I couldn't think of any way to keep his close so I just went to sleep.

The next morning was great. I felt so good. I took a shower in the nicest bathroom ever. (the bed was huge. I loved it) when I went back to my room I went through the wrong door, and ended up in Lex's room. That was kind of embarrassing. He was already dressed, and I was still in my towel. He was cool about it though. I had to borrow socks and boxer from him. I'm still wearing the boxers. I think I might keep them. Maybe he won't remember. They're not silk or anything.

So, I got dressed after embarrassing myself, and went down to have some breakfast. He drove me to school (first we stopped off at the farm, and picked up my book bag)

I caught Lex staring at me. I know he watches me. I really like that. It kind of makes me feel special. Last night when he went back to his room, I'm pretty sure he did the same thing I did. (if you don't get that I mean take care of it myself)

I feel kind of sexy right now. Lex does that to me. I've never felt that way with anybody before. Not even Lana.

My mom and dad are pretty mad. Mom sent me straight to my room after school. I can hear them arguing now. Dad is kind of freaking out. Shit, I hope they don't make me stop seeing Lex.

I have to go now. All this writing about Lex has made me kind of excited. I have to admit. I feel really comfortable writing all this here. It gets easier every time to admit to myself how I feel. Thanks.

Oh and before I forget, I made Lex blush. You might think this is not a strange thing, but that's because you don't know him. He never blushes. Until today that is. His head turned bright red it was so cute. I wonder what would have happened if I'd said what I really wanted to say. I guess I'll never know. I called him cute too. I was so embarrassed. I do that a lot; embarrass myself. I'm pretty good at it actually.

I can't help it though, he really is cute. I wish I could show you what he looks like. God, he's just the most wonderfully exotic, that's what I should have called him, exotic. He really is.

I have to go, mom and dad are about to lay the 'hurt on.' as PR would say. I guess I'll be grounded again.

Oh, and it was the nicest drive to school ever. :) I wonder if he'd let me drive his car now.

tabloidboy

4:49p

Lately everything seems to revolve around my angel in one way or another. Last night I met with his parents about the business proposition I mentioned in my last post. While his mother seemed willing to listen, with his father it felt like pulling teeth even to get him to look at me. I pressed my case as best I could, and tried to convince them that I have no ulterior motives. And although when he looked at me it did seem as if all he could see was my father, or perhaps worse, I had hoped that reason would prevail. I was offering them the opportunity to pull themselves out of debt, to take control, to ensure their family's legacy and my angel's future. How on earth they think they will pay for things like his college tuition, given their financial state, I don't know. As I said, I had hoped that they would see the logic and necessity in what I was offering them, and that that might outweigh their distrust of me. But as I've just come from speaking with my angel's father, I know that I failed to change their mind. They've taken a loan from the bank. It seems that there is nothing I can do to change his opinion of me. But then, perhaps he is right to be cautious.

Our meeting last night was interrupted by my angel's crush and her boyfriend -- who were running away from a fellow student who has apparently gone on a murderous rampage and is busy freezing people to death. It would appear that this type of event is not rare in this town, a fact that intrigues me and that I will discuss at length another time, and that may be related to my original hellish experience in this town as a child.

But back to the matter at hand. You might recall that last night was to be my angel's date with his crush -- the one I helped arrange? So when she appeared with her boyfriend instead of my angel, I was a bit confused. And, believe it or not, disappointed. She seems like a nice enough girl. I can understand what my angel sees in her. But her boyfriend...well I've mentioned before that he was one of the football players who strung my angel in that field. And the thought of that...well let's just say that I would be very happy to see him learn the sting of losing, of being left alone.

Meanwhile, my angel was out, of course, playing the hero. Or rather, being the hero that he is. Saved another friend of his from the amazing freezing boy. He (my angel, that is) appeared...not shaken up, but very tired, drained really, when he came by the castle later on last night. He made it through about half of a Sopranos episode before he fell asleep. Eventually I told him he could stay in a spare room. He seemed much too out of it to head home at that point, and I didn't have the heart to throw him out. Not when he was so warm, and present, and…I just sensed that he wanted to stay, to be near me, too. I don’t know what it is that I offer him, but he does seem to value our time together. It’s not something I want to question.

So he spent the night in a spare room, and I drove him to school this morning. How very domestic of me. I'm not sure I recognize my life at the moment, with him in it. But I'm not complaining.

anotherlife

02:13 am

Current Mood: calm

Frustration

So, last night my neighbor and I were supposed to go to the concert. I say "supposed" because we actually never made it there.

It all started out nice enough--he picked me up in a limo and seemed really excited. We started talking and it seemed to turn into one of those great conversations that we've been having, except that he got really nervous and awkward all of a sudden. He stressed again how this was not a date. He even started doing card tricks (ok, that was sort of adorable). The situation became so weird that I turned on the TV (yes, there was actually a TV in the limo!!) just to break the tension. The news was on, and they were talking about the death of a girl from our schhool (why do people keep dying? why is this always happening in our town?). My neighbor got really upset and said he had go and take care of something. So he dropped me off at the Beanery and then left. While I find it admirable that he takes these things to heart and always tries to help people, his behavior seemed so strange in this moment (in hindsight I couldn't be more grateful that he left, but more on that later).

So instead of being at an awesome concert, I found myself alone, with a book. At one point, my BF showed up. I was both happy and nervous about seeing him. I hadn't told him that I was going to the concert because I figured that if he's out with his friends, I might as well do something with one of my friends. Plus, I knew that he'd take it the wrong way and be completely jealous. When he saw me at the coffee shop all dressed up, he immediately knew that something was up. Since I expected him to make a scene I asked him to take me home. I'd rather not lay out my relationship problems in front of half the school who was hanging out at the Beanery.

And sure enough, as soon as we were in the car, the accusations and the questioning started. He kept insisting that this was obviously a date and how I could do this to him. I said very little because I knew he wouldn't listen to me anyway. Sigh. He just doesn't seem to be able to trust me, and that really, really hurts. He should know me better than to assume I'd just go out on a date with another guy. Anyway, we were fighting, and all of a sudden, Sean appeared in the middle of the road. My BF yanked the car around so he wouldn't hit him, and we ended up in a ditch. I have no idea what happened to Sean. My ankle was twisted and I couldn't walk, but fortunately, the millionaire's mansion was just down the road. We stayed there for a while, until the shock of the accident wore off. My neighbor's parents were there too, which is really odd considering the fact that my neighbor's dad can't stand the millionaire. Oh, and the millionaire had the audacity to ask me how my "date" went. What's his problem? My relationship with my BF doesn't have anything to do with him. He should stick to his own affairs, really. Needless to say, my BF didn't say another word to me that night. One of the millionaire's drivers took us home. On my way home I was thinking about just how screwed up the situation was, and that I wish I could talk to Chloe about it. But it was almost midnight and way too late to call her.

It was almost uncanny that she called me about five minutes after I got back. She asked if I'd keep her company. She sounded so upset. Because of my ankle (and the fact that I didn't want to see her at my house with my aunt around), she picked me up. When we got to her place, she seemed shaken and frazzled and scared. She told me why she was so upset. Sean tried to kill her. Bastard. This sounds so horrible, but I hope he rots in hell when he dies. She should have never given him his number. Chloe and I just vented for a while, about how this evening was so entirely frustrating, and about some other things that have been bothering us.

After all that soul-searching, she seemed in need of comfort...and honestly, I needed some comfort too. So I hugged her, and held her for a few minutes. I felt so much better afterwards, as if all the tension had been drawn out of my body...

If it hadn't been for talking to Chloe, this night would be one that I would want to forget about asap. But I have a feeling now that I'll look back upon with at least some good memories attached to it.

02:35 am

Current Mood: scared

In Too Deep

(this is a private post)

It was as if her body melted into mine. So so wonderful...
The perfect fit
just to stand close and feel everything else
fall away

Did she feel it too?

If there was a perfect world just for the two of us
just me and her
no one else
no one who could get hurt
I'd go back to her right now
no, that's not right
I wouldn't have left

I want to put time on hold
so I can figure out what this means

I know I am already in too deep
too deep
but I can't let go.

What if this is worth fighting for?

grlf_reporting

12:42 pm

Current Mood: exanimate

Lightning Strikes Girl F twice, near death comes again

I'm majorly out of it. I'm sitting here in my office on my lunchbreak, and I haven't even touched anything to do with the paper yet. I have a feeling I won't be able to get any work done until after my classes are over for the day.

Okay, so let me explain.

Yesterday, the guy I gave my number to on Monday night came up to me out of the blue and asked if I had time right then and there. I had to put the paper to bed, of course, so I suggested getting together later, and he immediately ditched me... So I was genuinely beginning to feel the wind shift and then the shift back nearly blew me over! I remember thinking this guy seemed like the captain of hot and cold! (How could I know how ironically intuitive I am?!)

Later, the jockstrap calls, like I'm supposed to drop everything and wait for him... Well, that was what I did, and in hindsight... Let's just say I learned to keep my guard up in the future rather than allowing my attention-starved heart be worn so gullibly on my sleeve!

The guy told me he'd meet me at school at my office. I found a trail of flower petals leading down the hallway, and I couldn't resist thinking it was ultra romantic! But then when I finally get to the end of the trail, I find out it was a trap! The guy was a popsicle! He just wanted to suck my heat to get warm and keep himself alive, killing me in the process! (To anyone who didn't believe me about how weird the town I live in is, I bet that one sentence, which is totally unembelished, btw, makes you think about it a little more!)

The only reason I'm not dead is CK! Again! He saved my life, because it's obvious by now that I have a knack for getting myself in way over my head! Needless to say, coming close to death's door for the second time this month, I'm more than just a little shaken!

On the only light-hearted note I have to report, I did tape Angel, and I'm livid about the promos that trumpeted the return of Spike! What a rip! He didn't show until the last five minutes! Bastards! So my day was a total bust. I didn't even get to see a lot of Spike... and Angel looked a little... out of shape? Maybe that's just me though.

So that pretty much wraps my sucky day yesterday, but at least I got practically no sleep, so now I'm functioning solely on caffeine and adrenaline. I feel dead.

Notes to self:

LL is a great friend.

CK is a bad dresser.

This is Girl F still recovering.

12:44 pm

Current Mood: numb

[Friends-only post]

Geez, I really am out of it! I posted my non-friends post in my old journal by mistake! Good thing I realized what I did before I went back to class. Phew!

Since I still have some time left to my lunchbreak and I have no current motivation to pour into work right now, I wanted to post this separate friends-locked entry about a few other things that happened yesterday that weren't so bad... but since they're kinda private and some of it seems... emotionally-charged by my second brush with death in as many weeks, I'm being a little more protective of this information.

First, CK had a "date" with LL last night, which kinda fizzled because he rushed over to save me when he saw something on the news that gave him the impression I was in danger getting together with this psychopath jockstrap last night. Thank God for CK going with his gut, or I'd be a cryogenic vegetable right now!

CK took me home right after we came to a few conclusions about the mystery of what was behind this bizarre attack. When I got into my house though, I found it was empty. I thought my Dad would've been home by then, but he was working extra late, and I really didn't want to be alone... for obvious reasons. I was really disturbed and kinda frightened.

The first person I called was LL, and she had just gotten home. She was more than willing to come over, but she sprained her ankle, so walking wasn't really an option. I drove over there and picked her up. (We decided it would be best to chill at my place, because her aunt was surely going to be an imposing presence if we stayed at hers.)

When we came back to my house, we went up to my room and just locked ourselves in there for a good portion of the night. Until 2am, to be specific! (I'm sure her aunt will love me for keeping her out all hours of the night!)

LL was just such a huge help! Just her being there calmed me down, but I still cracked. I hate to admit that, but I did crack. I started crying in the middle of a long rant about how I felt nobody would ever notice me in a way that was positive, and that it would always be because they needed something from me or because I earned their scorn through something I had done or said. I went on about how I felt I would always be a target rather than a person with feelings who was worth caring about. I don't know where half of that sappy and self-pitying sentiment came from, but it had to have come from somewhere. Probably some dark deep corner of my mind that I never even acknowledge, but had the perfect opening when I almost lost my life to my weaknesses and shortcomings as a person... When the life-threatening events had enough time to sink in, I guess that door just got blown off its hinges. It was more like falling through a hole in the floor, though, like the worst of things just tried to swallow me whole. If LL hadn't been there last night, I don't know what I would've done! If not for her, I doubt I'd be sane today. I would have definitely lost my mind, and my Dad would've come home to a mental patient who was either foaming at the mouth or catatonic. Instead, thanks to LL, he came home to his daughter, who was surprisingly coherent.

Once, I was able to recover pretty well on my own, but twice, I couldn't help it. I fell apart! It's amazing to me that I'm even here (both with my rationale in tact and at school) today, but again, that's really to LL's credit.

Before all was said and done last night, LL hugged me, just holding me for a few minutes. I was really glad she did, because I confess I had been secretly hoping for some form of comfort like that while I was pouring my heart out to her. It just felt really good to be held, and really reassuring too. It showed me that someone really does care about me, and proved my whole self-deprecating philosophy wrong. I'm extremely lucky to have her as a friend. It's like we've known each other forever. That's how strangely close to her I feel, but the strangest thing is that it doesn't feel strange at all...

Speaking of strange... Something else gave me a very out-of-the-ordinary vibe as recently as this morning. When I arrived at school, I saw a really extravagant sports car sitting there, and CK and his rich new best friend of late were sitting inside. (I knew it was CK because I saw him get out of the car, and I knew it was his new rich friend because of the car and his profile.) They seemed to be talking, and they were parked there for quite a few minutes. The whole situation looked pretty... intimate... like in that one-on-one way that is really personal.

I've been wondering what that was about ever since then. Hey, it beats thinking about the fact that I came within an inch of dying as if death has this habit of seeking me out... Did anyone ever see Final Destination?... Never mind. Even in this town, that's probably a far-fetched shot in the dark. It's no worse than any other crackpot theory I've ever indulged.

Maybe I'll ask CK about it later... if I even see him.
But right now I have to rush off to class before I'm even later than I already am.

This is Girl F reporting from that foggy place in her head where she stands right now.

ordinary_guy

02:55 pm

I can't believe it.

(friends only post)

I should never have told her he was a decent guy. If I'd have known he was psycho, I'd have made sure Clo went nowhere near him. Sean, the guy who asked Clo out - well, he made her feel worthless. He had some weird thing goin' on where he couldn't get warm, and he tried to freeze her to death. He did the same to his ex, who unfortunately didn't have someone like CK to come to her rescue. Luckily, Clo did. And instead of being 2+ students down at the highschool, we're 1. It's sad though. I mean, how can anyone do things like this. Going around killing people seems to be a trend that's starting round here - and I'm not joking. All this death isn't good for anyone. And when your best bud nearly gets killed twice in a matter of weeks there's definitely something weird going on.

I'm glad Clo's ok though. She's even up to cracking jokes about swearing off men! Like she could do that with her CK obsession!!! Speaking of which, he got a date with L, though it didn't really happen, cause he ran of to the rescue of our fave blonde reporter. That guy will never get a chance with L again if the look she gave me last night is anything to go by. Whit (L's boyfriend) didn't look too happy either, when he realised that she was planning on going to a concert with CK. My fault. I kinda dropped them in it when I bumped into Whit at the coffee shop. Hope it doesn't cause any major problems. Not that Whit needs an excuse to be an ass to CK, or vice versa.

As for me, I had a lovely date with Denise, but I don't think we'll be going out again. On our first date, I talked about Clo all the time, this time I cut the date short to find out if anything had happened with Sean. I just knew there was something going on y'know. Like a gut feeling? By the time I got back home, CK had done all the rescuing and everything was great. Somehow, I don't think that made Denise feel any better...

So today, I'm just chilling, making sure everythings ok at home. I might go shoot some hoops after, maybe go for a walk, or go to town. Not sure yet. I'll be sure to let y'all know.

Later.

*g*

redhotmama

01:58 pm

Current Mood: worried

I really need to work but the man won't let me."NO WIFE OF MINE NEEDS A JOB!" Whatever. I have had it with all that machismo. The boy overheared us talking about debt. He does not need anything else to worry about.

Got a visit from LL and almost sliced him in half. Im sure myhusband would have found that amusing but he came to ask us about helping with our finances. I told him I would talk to J but that wouldnt do anygood. It took me a little bit with the help of my womenly ways but he came around.

C went out with that LL girl. I was not pleased and on that very samenight I got attacked by a weirdo outside of LL's(m) place.Luckily my son was there to protect me.

Speaking of C and LL(m) , that fool headed boy slept over at the castle last night. Did not even call until right before school. He will be punished accordingly. I might have to go and have a talk with LL. Something isnt right about this friendship at all.

Fri 03

freak4ever

3:43p

Current Mood: discontent

Days

We had the memorial service for Jenna today. It hit pretty hard since all I could think was it could have been CS. It was a horrible way to die, and a part of me feels like it's my fault. If only I'd been able to save her.

My mom and dad had a really long talk with me today about responsibility and stuff. They were pretty mad about the other night. I guess I should have told them where I was going. When I asked my mom if it was because it was AJL, dad said yes and mom said no. She just wants me to let her know where I will be just in case. They know I can take care of myself, but I guess they still worry.

So I have to come home right after class for the next week, unless something comes up, and I have to do extra chores. I'm supposed to start some community service work next week but I haven't decided yet what I'm going to do. Mom said that was fine.

Dad however is really quiet. He acted fine when I asked if I could spend the night over at the castle. I pointed out that I was asking, and that I could do my chores tomorrow in the afternoon. They said they'd think about it.

I asked LL why she goes out with her boyfriend. I was just curious. I mean, he's done things that aren't so nice. She told me he makes her feel safe. The irony is not lost. I mean I've already saved her so many times. Some of them she doesn't even know about. I guess I can't be the guy that makes her feel safe. I know I can't be there whenever she needs me. I tend to run off on her. So far I'm 0 for however many times I made her a promise.

I can live with that. It just kind of sucks if you know what I mean. I feel alone when things like this happen.

tabloidboy

8:05p

This is a friends only post. Only friends can comment.

This was going to be a private post, but I’m too much of an exhibitionist. So, reading this, it now will be clear to you that I didn’t tell the whole story before. At the time I needed to abridge, and unfortunately although unsuprisingly that hasn’t made this situation go away.

I can tell I am this close to fucking everything up. And I just don’t know what comes over me. How can I fall asleep in his presence? Half naked, exposed… And why did he ask me to stay with him? Well I know the obvious answer to that question – I mean, for some fucked up reason he must have some sort of crush on me. But not enough of one to overshadow his crush on her.

But I think it is clear that I’m not the only one who feels this…this thing between us. And I’m starting to think that he does know what he is doing to me. That shit he pulled in the car? He has to fucking know…has to see it in my eyes. My angel, a tease. I can’t get my mind around that. I hate to think it’s possible that he’s just laughing at me. There’s no way. This is my angel. My friend. One of the only. The only. I don’t know why I am even thinking that he could just be playing with me, laughing at me. But I feel so put on the line, so…writ large, so naked. That an inexperienced teen could make me feel this way, an inexperienced fucking supposedly straight as an arrow I’m going to fall asleep next to your knee tabloidboy is that okay tabloidboy teen? Fuck it. This is my angel. He must mean well. He has to mean well. All he knows how to do is mean well. Fuck it and fuck my dad for priming me to feel so paranoid that I would distrust the only genuine friendship I’ve ever been offered. This isn’t a business game. This isn’t my father fucking renting me out to secure a deal and screw someone over. This is my angel and he just wants to be my friend and maybe he’s a little confused about his sexuality and really I should be able to help him with that. Not in the way I want to, though. Because me in a jail cell…bad fucking idea. I’ve made it this far and I’m not going to be locked away for fucking (and fucking up) the one good thing life has given me.

And yes, he’s coming over again tonight. He even asked for his parents’ permission. I have the sinking feeling that I am in way over my head.

grlf_reporting

01:28 am

Current Mood: confused

Teen angst hits home, confusion expected

[Friends-only post]

This is probably something I shouldn't be writing, even if it is friends-locked... but I've been thinking all night, and I'm only saying this here, because maybe it will take some pressure off if I do some of this thinking aloud.

Ever since last night, I've been unable to get the two evenings I've spent with LL out of my head. If my mind goes blank for so much as a split second, she pops into it, or one of the moments we shared during those couple all-hours-of-the-night bull sessions, which turned pretty personal, and comfortably personal at that.

After this guy tried to kill me yesterday, somewhere along the way of putting on a brave face for CK and PR, I made a jaded crack about swearing off men... I know this is going to sound like I'm a confused teenage girl questioning her sexuality (and I guess I kinda do fit that stereotype with what I'm about to say), but... after what I had said bounced around my brain, I wondered if maybe I wasn't joking after all.

I mean, the time I've spent with LL has felt unusually... intimate. I can't shake the feeling that there's some electricity in the air when she's near me, and I know with everything in my body that it's so much more than that, and it's not what I normally feel when I'm with a friend. Somehow it's so much more than that. I'm typically a guy's girl, practically a tomboy all through elementary school, but I have had female friends, and I've never felt anything like this with one of them before. It's like we are just so open to one another that this energy flows very freely between us. It doesn't feel the slightest bit one-sided...

When I think of LL, I realize that I am really liking spending time with her because she's caring, she's smart, Aesthetically-speaking, I think she is pretty, but I don't know if I notice that because I (in a very non-threatened way) envy her or if I'm noticing that because I'm noticing her. Do I have a non-sexual crush on this girl? Do I have a sexual crush on her?!

Does it matter which of the above it is? I mean, she's got a boyfriend (not one who particularly treats her right, but she has one she cares about nonetheless). Not to mention, this is the girl my best friend CK is married to in his dreams!

Hmph. *surprised* I guess I am just a confused teen, but right now I'm one who might be able to finally get some sleep with this off my chest.

This is Girl F. Thanks to all of you out there for listening.

anotherlife

11:36 pm

Current Mood: anxious

More Questions Than Answers

My neighbor asked me today why I am with my boyfriend.

I hesitated. I couldn't answer him right away, and when I did, it felt like I was just saying something that wasn't the real reason (I said that he is always there for me when I need him and that he makes me feel safe, which is both true and yet...sigh). I should have been able to say something immediately, right? No thinking necessary. Aren't you supposed to just know these things? I think the main reason why I struggled is that I feel the most obvious answer to this question would be "because I love him." And since that's not the case....anyway, that incident really scared me. There just have been so many doubts lately, in my mind and in other people's minds too. And that's not all, actually.

There is also Chloe. I know she technically doesn't figure into this but somehow she does. Whenever I think about these issues, she comes into my mind. Partially because she's the one who I've talked to about this stuff most recently. I really needed her tonight but at first I couldn't reach her at all, and then, when I finally got her on her cell, and she had to go all of a sudden. God, I wish I could have seen her. And I know I can't see her tomorrow either. My BF and I are going to Metropolis (he's making up for the missed afternoon on Tuesday. Did I mention this already? Hmm). Anyway, we'll be gone the whole day and evening, probably, so I don't think I can talk to her then either. I know this is gonna sound insane or stupid or something, but I miss her. I just spent time with her a few days ago but somehow....well, you know, it's not that important right now. I can probably see her on Sunday.

When she had to cut our phone conversation short tonight, she said she'd call back. So far she hasn't. I really hope she will.

lions_den

05:38 pm

Current Mood: amused

Current Music: Gotta Love It - Aerosmith

Drive-by spamming

The other day my son said that the word "restraint" doesn’t exist in my vocabulary.

Oh, if he only knew.

*Chuckles*

*Not sharing information with son*

06:03 pm

Current Mood: Amused - I know something you don't.

My son lives in a house I own, and he doesn't take care of it at all. Only today I had to send a team out there to clean up a small decorative pond from all sorts of pests. He really lets things slide. I had it taken care of - I bet he won't even notice anything's changed.

10:56 pm

My son thinks his mother was a saint. And she was, but he never stops to think of the fact she chose me - me, of the many men she could've chosen. He never thinks that maybe since I was worth her love, I might be worth his, might not be that pure cartoonish evil he sees me as. Because he knows his mother could do no wrong. And I was her husband.

I wanted to raise another Alexander the Great, not another Oedipus.

Sat 04

freak4ever

11:27p

Current Mood: hyper

long day

I am so tired. My dad made me do every single chore he could come up with today.

After AJL drove me home dad worked my ass off. He's not mad or anything I think he's just taking advantage of my offer to do anything he wants. I had to draw the line at re-painting the house on the outside. Although I probably could do it.

I have to make a confession. I took something from AJL's place. This is going to sound so stupid, but I took a bar of the soap that was in the guess bathroom. It smells so good, and I figure he won't miss it. He has lots of soap. I wanted to take something else. I still have the boxers. I forgot to return them. Oops.

I washed them earlier, along with my bed sheets, since mom and dad went out to dinner. They needed a night out with just the two of them so they went to the city.

I already finished my homework and shot some hoops. When that got boring I decided to run to the back field. Now I'm just sitting in my room.

The night over at the mansion was kind of tense at first. I stuck my foot in my mouth. I felt so embarrassed I wanted to leave, but AJL just brushed it off. I think I really hurt his feelings. I'm kind of ashamed that I acted that way. It put a bit of a damper on the rest of the night. I was so nervous so I thought I would tease him, but that totally backfired. I'll know better next time.

AJL let me have brownies. (My mom won't let me since the chocolate makes me totally hyper. I'm having chocolate ice cream right now. :) )

We just watched some TV and then went to sleep. I stayed in the same guest room as before. The next morning I joined him in his room, and we watched some TV and ate breakfast. It was really nice. He seemed in a good mood and he didn't bring up my major blunder from last night. I was relieved. (I asked him about girls, and why he doesn't have more over. Then later I asked him about sex. About when he first did it. He was kind of vague, but I think he did it for the first time when he was really young. Maybe even younger than I am now)

He drove me home in the red Ferrari again. I love that car. I'm still too afraid to ask him if I can drive it.

~~~~

Very weird thing happened. I don't know how to take it. All I know is it's totally out of left field. CS stopped by this afternoon. She asked me why I was over at AJL's and asked if I have something more than friendship with him. I couldn't believe she would say that! I totally snapped at her, and she drove off mad as heck. I mean, she'd never ask me that if I stayed over at WF's house.

I mean it just seemed like it came out of left field. Why would she think this? Did she see something? I didn't do anything where anyone can see. At least I don't think so.

I'm not handling this well. I need to back off or something. I need to figure out what the hell is happening. I feel tense and jumpy now. Must be the ice cream. I better go burn it off.

Oh, I didn't play games with AJL. Just pool. I almost beat him too, but I stopped the game. And I peaked at his legs. Yes I know I promised myself I wouldn't but I couldn't help it. I was too curious. They're hot! and purple boxers. Also no hair on his legs.

I am too jumpy now. I need to go somewhere really far away.