The Smallville Diaries - Week Sept 7 - Sept 13, 2003

Sun 07

freak4ever

10:37p.m.

Mad again but happy too

Okay so I snuck away today to hang out with AJL. My dad was really mad the last time I went over to make the delivery since I stayed for an hour. He told me I shouldn't waste AJL's time, and that he's too old for me to hang out with.

I've never done this before. I just ignored my dad. I don't know why. Last time I saw AJL he seemed kind of lonely. Maybe lonely isn't the right word. It seemed like he wanted me to stay longer. He was so nice. We sat and talked about all kinds of things like history and war and he promised to teach me how to play pool, You know that one with a table and balls and a stick. He has a pool table in his office! It's so cool. It's kind of unique just like him.

We sat and had lunch today. It's Sunday and I really didn't have anything else to do after getting my chores done so I stayed pretty long. A few hours at least. He told me about how his dad taught him to play chess but got too frustrated since AJL kept beating his dad at it. I laughed so hard, and sprayed milk all over the place. It was so embarrassing. He just took it in stride, and rubbed my back until I stopped choking.

He's so considerate.

Anyway so I went home all happy and when dad asked me where I was I couldn't lie. I told him. He got this look on his face like he was going to explode but he just calmly told me to stop bothering AJL so much.

Later when I was in my room thinking about everything we'd done I overheard dad and mom talking about me. He actually told my mom to go over to AJL's and ask him to stop allowing me to come over so much. Why would he do that? I just don't understand my dad. It's like he thinks AJL is going to hurt me or something.

I know AJL would never hurt me. I made him laugh and he smiled a lot. It was great.

I also got up the nerve to ask AJL about girl stuff. It was pretty embarrassing but he was really cool about it. He answered all my questions. I thought about asking about the dream, but I chickened out. Oh well, I'm sure the dreams will go away.

I'm going to finish my homework. I was supposed to write a paper today but instead I was playing hooky. It was fun. :)

Oh by the way, my mom told my dad to leave me alone.

Current Mood: happy

tabloidboy

10:35p

In general I am quite enjoying the comments function here on live journal. I don't agree with all of you, but I have found overall that live journal seems to cultivate a refreshing balance between consideration and people feeling free to speak their mind. I suppose we can only expect and tolerate the existence of the rare commenter with a chip on his or her shoulder. And as I am used to being in the public eye, hearing negative opinions of me really doen't phase me. It's nothing new.

While I appreciate the feedback received here, of course in the end it is I who knows the truth of the matter. After all, only so much can be (or should be) communicated in these short, ephemeral entries. And yet I do feel freer to speak my mind here. It is an interesting paradox.

grlf_reporting

09:28 pm

Current Mood: lethargic

PR gets key to Girl F's Secret LJ Land

Well, the paper has been put to bed, so to speak, and I am extremely proud to report that the first issue will hit school newspaper stands tomorrow morning! *cheers*

Today is my official day off, and boy, I needed one!

So, when I ran over to PR's LJ, the temptation got the better of me and I commented in his journal! I couldn't resist! So, I revealed myself to one of my real life friends, and this secret journal is not so secret anymore. I did it on purpose, because it just felt right and really... comfortable, like it could be our way of having some fun just to ourselves. Besides, something like this can be so much better when shared.

As soon as I started a little friendly teasing in the comments section of his entries, he high-tailed it right over to my LJ and our little comment war began! LOL!

PR and I have made an agreement to hang out more (because we really don't hang out often enough since school started), and to keep our lips sealed about each other's LJs. We've vowed to keep these things our little secrets, and it's kind of formed a closer bond between us, I think.

In fact, he's here right now! We made plans for the day, and we've been watching movies and BS-ing since he got here this afternoon. CK missed out on all the fun... Makes me wonder what he's been up to this weekend, anyway.

Shut up, PR!

(He's hanging over my shoulder as I write this!)

It's hilarious, because he's so addicted already! He wanted to log on to check and see if he got any new comments in his journal, and I agreed on the condition that I could check mine too. :)

So, here's my first lesson in the ways of online blogging for you, PR!
If you're going to "gank" or borrow something you found in my LJ, like say a LiveJournal Mood Ring Meme, proper netiquette dictates that you give credit to the source. You do that by typing [lj user="grlf_reporting"] to create the hyperlink, only you use instead of brackets. It'll end up looking like this ---> grlf_reporting. Got it?

God, it feels so weird calling you "PR" when I'm talking directly to you! If you're going to address me as Clo, can I at least call you by your first name? It's not like anyone is going to recognize it and realize who you are or anything!

Then, can I use your LJ username here too? I'm assuming so, since you have started commenting in my LJ and just as unanonymous as I am in that respect now.

I'd just turn around and ask you this if you weren't rifling through my CD collection at this very minute...

...and tearing into my taste in music by asking me stupid questions with that sacrastic tone! Those are not "chick" artists! :p

*sees you going for the Moby albums*

S**t! I've gotta run and stop your reign of destruction! ;)

Time to log off and get back to the movie we were watching.

This is Girl F reporting from home.

anotherlife

11:56 pm

Current Mood: calm

Changes

I found out the truth.

My boyfriend was indeed taking revenge on my neighbor, and in a more horrific way than I could have imagined. They tied him up on a scarecrow in a corn field. When I first heard, I just sat in my room for hours, staring out of the window. I didn't even notice that the sun went down. Nell (that's my aunt) was pretty freaked when she came to get me for dinner.

I was very angry with my BF for a while, especially after I found out that besides what he had done, he had also lost my favorite necklace (part of it is a fragment of the meteor that killed my parents; maybe that's a bit morbid but it also keeps me grounded, reminds me what is important in life). He didn't tell me. What did he think? That I would not remember he had my necklace?

Despite, I haven't left him. I know it doesn't make any sense. He hurt me very much, and he hurt an innocent person. But he showed me how much he cares about me. It doesn't make up for what he did but it is enough to give him another chance. I still believe that he is a good person, and I hope that he learns from the mistakes he made. He even returned my necklance. It was very sweet--he just left it on my door one night.

If all this wasn't enough for one week, I have also had the chance to get to know my neighbor better. It scares me that we have lived next door to each other for all our lives, yet we know so little about each other. I apologized to him about what happened, and this haunted expression came into his eyes again. I can't help but think that while to the outside world, he seems like any other guy but inside he feels like he doesn't belong--just like me sometimes. I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that he doesn't remember his real parents (he is adopted). What if we had gotten to know each other earlier? Would my life have been different? I feel I missed out on so much. My BF will not like me spending time with my neighbor but that is his problem, not mine.

lions_den

09:22 am

Current Mood: sore

Current Music: Easy Like Sunday Morning

On Sundays I work from home. Working from home is half work and half play - office fantasies about one's assistant/secretary blowing one under the desk (D. is very good at that), about being able to wear fishnet stockings under the suit pants, things like that.

Not much work done, but a lot of fun.

More details on that in the future. Going to rest now.

~Li

ordinary_guy

Current Mood: awake

Current Music: Something mom's got on - I think it's... Backstreet Boys..??

You know?

I think they got the wrong guy. Emotional distance - yeah right.

Ganked off grlf_reporting

Ok so I may be moaning a lot recently, but I have good reason. I have good news though. Clo and I should be catching up and spending some "quality time" hanging out together today, so that'll be cool.

I'm so lazy sleping in til near 12 - and I must already be addicted to this thing - I just got up - had some OJ, and came online to post! I am so sad....

Anyway, gotta motor - need to get ready to go see Clo. Maybe she has a new story or something - anything to just get to spend time together will be good enough.

Later

Mon 08

freak4ever

8:14 a.m.

Current Mood: ecstatic

WOW!!!!

So I finished my chores early this morning, and decided to check out what was going on with friends on line. :)

And I find that somebody has sent me the gift of a paid account on live journal. Wow that is such a nice thing to do. Thank you anonymous person. It's amazing that people who don't even know me paid for my fun on line. :)

Um, I have to admit I kind of blushed when I saw that. It's really nice ... okay everybody always tells me I'm too nice so maybe I should stop telling all of you that you are so nice. Too late I did it again, Oh well.

Anyway, thanks.

I have to get ready for school. My mom is calling me. buy for now.

I'll have to see what paid account means later.

Bye :)

6:24 p.m.

Current Mood: rushed

LL and other things

I haven't really talked much about LL here, which kind of surprises me since I've been in love with her forever. I guess it's because of all the stuff that's been happening in my life lately. I mean what I found out about myself after the car accident was pretty startling to say the least.

She's the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. She has gorgeous long dark hair and these wonderful expressive dark eyes. When they look at you, it's like the whole world disappears. I always get butterflies when I go near her or when I see her.

Sometimes at night I watcher her through my telescope. I've never told anybody this. She's so strong too. A lot of people think she isn't because of what she went through, but I think they totally underestimate her. I know she's stronger than anybody gives her credit for.

I spent most of my high school (yes I'm in high school) career watching her from afar, but now she's talking to me and she wants to be near me. It's funny but I haven't noticed her wearing her necklace since I gave it back. I wonder why?

Anyway, I have a lot of work to do tonight. I have to rebuild the fence in the far pasture. My dad is too busy to help so I'll be alone which is fine since I love doing these things alone. I work much faster that way anyway. Should I talk about how you build a fence here? Probably not. If anybody ever wants to know, I know how. :)

So I was hanging with my best friends PR and CS at the office of the school paper and I casually asked if she'd gone and looked at this. I know she promised not to but it couldn't hurt to ask. Apparently it did hurt. She acted all angry and evasive. Not quite like I'd hurt her feelings but kind of guilty.

So CS if you're reading this, please don't, you promised you wouldn't. *puppy dog eyes*

I have to go. Dad's yelling for me. Bye. Oh and I swear I'll answer the comments it's just that my e-mail wasn't working and I've been so busy. I friended all of you back though. :)

tabloidboy

9:11 p.m.

I’ve been trying to ingratiate myself to the town. I am turning over a new leaf, after all. I can’t say what would happen if I were to leave town, but for now a glass of scotch in my hands is as wild as I get. I do miss some of life’s pleasures, though, and lusting after my angel isn’t going to get me anywhere. Because as much as I want to, it would kill me to corrupt him. And besides, he isn’t corruptible.

So instead I’m trying to be part of the town. Perhaps not a celebrated part of it. More likely that strange, eccentric rich boy who lives in the castle and runs the factory. It’s a label, like the rest. A bit confining, and at this moment I feel like I’m so much older than my twenty one years, but it’s infinitely preferable to the labeling looks that passed through people’s eyes in the city, the expectations they held. Though really expectations do seem to follow me everywhere. It’s just the content that’s changed.

A couple of days ago I met with my angel’s crush. I was trying to give her a gentle push towards my angel, and she did take the bait, though nothing seems to have come of it yet. I thought I had never met her before, but she informed me that we had indeed met, when I was younger and in a somewhat compromising position. And I’ll admit here – though nowhere else – that I was strangely thrown by this. I wasn’t aware until that moment how much I am trying to make a fresh start, how much I don’t want who I was then to contaminate who I am now. How much I don’t want my angel to know certain things about who I was before or even who I am now.

And there was this look in her eyes, as she assessed me, remembering this previous encounter, that...well let’s just say I’ve seen that look enough for a lifetime.

I know you can’t undo the past, and I don’t even regret it. I was who I was then, and did what I did, for many different reasons, to piss my father off not least among them. And I wouldn’t even go so far as to say I’ve completely changed. It hasn’t been so long since I’ve moved, after all, and I’m sure I will do many more regrettable things in the future—probably for many of the same reasons. But I am determined not to let it control me like it did before. Like I told my angel, I – or we – have a destiny, but I’ll be damned if I don’t shape it myself.

anotherlife

10:05 pm

Current Mood: grateful

About my journal

As I said in response to your kind comments, I was surprised to see that people out there are actually reading what I write here. I originally thought of this journal as a place where I can come to think and sort through things that are happening in my life--just for myself, really. It's a replacement for the diary I had been keeping so far. Life has been more and more confusing and I want to make sure no one (well, no one who knows me around where I live) reads my responses to all this chaos, least of all my aunt. I don't think she would read my diary but you can never know.

I really appreciate you listening and I would love for you to keep making suggestions or just share your thoughts. Thanks so much!

lions_den

09:06 am

Current Mood: kinky

I now have an AIM account, details in my user info page.

~Li

11:31 am

Current Mood: angsty

Current Music: Life On Mars, David Bowie

Shouldn't teenage rebellious angst cease at some age? Shouldn't this "I hate my evil daddy" go away and be replaced with something akin to a normal adult life at some point? My son acts as if he's 40 one day, serious, not enjoying life, and the next day he's acting as if he's 12, petulant, accusatory and ungrateful. He's in his early twenties and never acts it, and frankly, I'm tired of it. I'm very proud of him for trying to be his own man and standing up to what he believes in, but he must open his eyes and see things for what they are. I am not his rival. If I had been, he'd be eliminated from the field long ago. I'm going out of my way to help him and sort him out, give him what he needs, and all I get in return...

*Sigh*

Is hate. And distance. Defiance. He seeks love and parental guidance in all the wrong places when I'm sitting right here aching for him to call, to have one conversation with me that isn't a battle.

It's just a phase, I'm sure. He'll get a grip sooner or later and when he does, he'll be all the stronger for it.

I just hope I will be.

Quote of the Day: "If you love someone, set him free. If he doesn't come back, hunt him down and kill him."

ordinary_guy

12:31 pm

Current Mood: rushed

Current Music: Letters To Cleo - Yes it's Clo's album!

Yesterday and Today

Wow! Man I had such a cool time with Clo yesterday it felt great. She posted in her LJ, and we hung out and watched movies and listened to music. It felt really nice just spending time with her - reminded me why I like her so much. Why she's my main babe. I took round some movies, and forced her to watch Apocalypse Now and Swordfish I love those flicks! Then she forced me to listen to some of her girly bands when she caught me rifling through her CD's looking for Moby! And urgh I had to sit through Notting Hill and City Of Angels, cause she had her choice of vids!!!

But I loved every second. She always makes me feel good...

I think we got our bond back like it used to be. Sure, CK wasn't there, so it wasn't exactly the same, but it was just as good. Maybe even a little better than good.

Holy crap!!!! Is that the time already? Coach Walt is gonna kill me if I'm late for practice. He's tough enough already. I'd hate to see what he'd be like if he ragged on me as hard as he rags on some of the team. 'Sides, dad'll be pissed at me if I get the coach coming round complaining that I'm not giving football some of my effort. He was coached by Walt too.

Gotta bomb,

Later

Tues 09

freak4ever

10:18 a.m.

Current Mood: confused

I saw this on imaginarytiff's LJ One of my friends

1. What celebrity would turn you into a complete and utter fangirl/fanboy if you met them in person?

Okay, I'm not really sure what a fanboy is but I'm guessing that means really big fan. Probably Rose McGowan from Charmed. I don't really watch the show, but she's really pretty and has dark hair and pretty eyes.

2. What is the MOST fannish thing you have on public display in your home? In your office?

I don't really have that kind of stuff around. Do posters of football players count?

3. What is the most public space you've read fic? Did anyone notice?

In a coffee shop. Yeah sure they noticed. This is a weird question.

4. What is your most embarrassing moment when you had to explain something fannish to a mundane?

Um, when my mom caught me surfing for pictures. She was pretty mad.

5. Name a fannish moment for which you wish you could have a "do over" and fix.

I told PR once that I thought Baywatch sucked. It turns out he loved the show, and I ended up hurting his feelings. Personally, I didn't get it.

In other news, I did a little fiddling around with my LJ. I added a picture, changed the colors, and made the comments thingie more me. :)

~~~~

So, I finished the fence early, and snuck over to AJL's place again. He wasn't home so I hung out in his Trojan room. It was so much fun. I like being alone sometimes. It gives me time to think. I have to admit, and I would never tell any of my RL friends this (especially not AJL), that I really like being at the castle. It's quiet.

The only thing that happened was one of his staff caught me when she came in to dust. Mrs. P was cool about it. She promised not to tell AJL that I was there. She also had the cook bring me a snack. I felt guilty taking advantage of AJL's staff, but I was so hungry.

In other news I had that dream again last night. It wasn't exactly the same. This time AJL left me on the cross and told me 'liars don't deserve to be saved'. I hate that. I feel guilty enough about lying to everybody without having to dream it. I wish I could tell my best friend PR but I'm so afraid of a lot of things.

Things like - would he still be my friend? Would he tell everybody about me? The worst fear is that he'd never talk to me again. It's weird that of all people to have call me a liar in my dreams it would be AJL. I hardly know him and he has not once called me on the story I told him about the accident. He watches me very carefully though, and sometimes when I look over at him he's staring at me. Usually he smiles, which is nice. I guess maybe I just feel guilty about lying at all. See I don't know why that is. I know it's safer for everybody if they don't know the truth about how much of a freak I am. I'm not even one of them. :(

I have to go now.

tabloidboy

11:40 p.m.

Apparently my angel paid me a visit when I wasn’t here. Well, more than apparently. I’m looking at the security tape right now. One of my house staff discovered him, and, from what I see in the tape, knew not to throw him out, which is good for them, because if I had discovered that they had thrown him out they would have found themselves out of a job.

But on the contrary, rather than throw him out, it would appear they fed him instead. The footage of that boy eating is...well shall we say worthy of the frame by frame function on my laptop. I'm so glad I sprung for the most expensive program.

I don’t know why he came by, or why he stayed when I wasn’t here. He spent some time exploring one of the rooms, but I never would have known were it not for my staff and the security cameras, because he put everything back exactly where he found it. I’d rather, really, that he had left some sign of his presence. This castle is so lifeless, even though I’ve tried to fill it with my things here and there. But somehow, if I can imagine it through his eyes, if I know he cares enough to look, pick up, examine, and just be here, well somehow that makes it feel a bit more like home. Not that I’d really know what a home looks like. But it seems like the kind of thing you would know when you see it.

grlf_reporting

12:50 am

Current Mood: exhausted

Girl F gets out of Dodge

The best, most important news always comes first!

I'm ecstatic to report that the first issue of the paper was a total success and flew off stands at school this morning! Every last one was gone by lunch, so I guess a second printing is in order! *squees* Yes! I could not be happier or prouder at this moment! (I'm sure much of that success had to do with my investigative approach to the weird happenings around here that rouse so much interest in the curious teenagers around here. The stories and headlines, not to mention the journalists, I chose undoubtedly made for record breaking circulation of our school newspaper, so I can give myself a hearty pat on the back!)

Moving on to more mundane stuff:

*rolls eyes at self*

So Pete and I talked after CK practically confronted me by coming out and asking if I had read his journal at all... Of course, I panicked and got defensive, wishing I weren't me for one minute, and I caved to my reflex to deny and evade at all costs.

Pete (the friend formerly known as PR) came to hang out in my office after school (I had a really cool time just hanging out with him yesterday, btw), and he started wondering why CK was being so secretive about his LJ.

I swear that he purposely pressed all of my investigative curiosity buttons, and he bet me (five dollars, no less) that the reason CK was being protective of his journal with me was because he writes all about his crush (LL) in it. (Must be a lame obsessive adolescent guy thing... I mean, both the stupid bet Pete prodded me with and CK's private crushing.)

To make a long story short, yes, (and before anyone says it, I know how wrong it was), I visited his journal and just glanced at his most recent post. Of course, to prove me the world's biggest sucker (because not only did I lose the bet, but I am disappointed in myself that I broke my vow not to violate his privacy again) LL was all over last his entry!

So I am now $5 poorer.

My guilt compounded when I saw that CK had written a plea asking me not to read his journal, like he had predicted that I would after our little problem because of it today.

*sighs*

I think it's good that I'm going to visit my cousin Lois in the city on Wednesday. (She's a journalism major and there's a reporter's convention she is going to get me into, so I have a valid excuse for missing a little school to go! After all, this is a huge career opportunity and could be a very useful learning experience too!)

I'm going to be too busy doing a second printing of the paper and getting ready for this little trip tomorrow to post another entry, so this is going to be my last one for a while.

I'll be back next week, and hopefully, things will have cooled down between CK and me.

Pete, you know I'll miss you, but on a more personal note, please don't ever ask me to go to his LJ again, because I'm feeling so bad right now that it's not funny! I already know you didn't mean any harm by it, and that you were just trying to prove a point. I appreciate you trying to help after my little argument with CK, but next time just buy me some ice cream or something lame like that, okay? *snickers*

CK, I know you probably won't ever see this, but for whatever it's worth, I'm really sorry (about today in my office, about both times I went to your journal, and about everything).

This is Girl F reporting.
Until next week, everyone.

lions_den

05:14 pm

Saw Harry Potter.

Don't ask why.

Will not comment on Lucius Malfoy and Things One Can Do With That Cane.

~Li, impressed.

ordinary_guy

05:25 pm

Current Mood: idiotic, sorry, and curious

Current Music: Evanescence - Fallen

I'm an idiot! And I'm sorry

It's true, I am. I got Clo in trouble cause of a damn bet. She feels bad enough about her interest in CK as it is, and I go and potentially mess up everything between them cause of a bet... How could I be so stupid?? I knew she'd do it cause she never welches on a bet, but man, I feel like crap cause of it. CK's pissed, Clo's upset - and what's more is I can't try and make it up to her cause she's away at her cousins place for a while. Damn!!!

I guess I'm hoping she'll check this out while she's over there, or that she'll read it when she ges back, and that she'll take my apology.

I'm really sorry Clo, I didn't think about what would happen - you know me, I never think things through - but I love you, you're my best friend and the closest I've had next to CK. I hope you can forgive me for the crap I've potentially caused between you two, and I hope you enjoy your time away. I'll be thinking of you.

Worst thing is, is that I don't know whether to tell CK it was my fault, and Clo didn't want to welch on me. I don't know where his journal is, it was just a guess that he talked about L in it all the time. He talks about her all the time anyway - kinda figures he'd do it in his journal - but I don't get why he's so secretive about his LJ. I mean, I look at Clo's and she looks at mine, and.. I guess I just have to face that he's a secretive guy now. I dunno. I just hope he doesn't write anything that'll hurt Clo, not that I think she'll be going to look at it again - and I won't be making any bets for her to do it either. He just really needs to give her a break. She's a journalist - it's her natural instinct to go nosing. CK's just been very closed off to us lately. And the ice is so thin I don't want to risk it breaking under our feet.

I used to think I knew everything about him. I didn't even know he had a journal til Clo mentioned it in hers, if he didn't want me to know about that, when it's just a journal, then what else has he been hiding. Does Clo know something I don't? Should I ask? Should I talk to CK?

I had such a good time with Clo the other day, I don't want to risk my friendship with her over anything. But why do friends feel like they need to keep secrets? We should be able to trust each other with anything. I'd trust CK with my life, come to think of it, I'd trust Clo with my life too. Would they trust me with theirs?

Wed 10

freak4ever

4:50 p.m.

Current Mood: chipper

Current Music:

When the cat's away

I'm doing this from the school newspaper office. I stayed to do a few things for CS while she's gone.

She's away which means I can't talk to her to apologize about the other day. She told me she wouldn't look at my LJ so I should have just believed her. I feel awful. I feel like a total heel.

In other news PR has a new girlfriend. oh, sorry, friend who is a girl, which means I see less of him. Although lately I've been busy, and he's been sort of preoccupied.

I think I'm going see if he'd like to come by to shoot some hoops. That would be cool. He should be here soon.

~~~

Well, he's going out with his new main squeeze. Oh well. I guess I'll just finish up here and run home.

Dad is mad at me again. This is going to seem really weird but I was watching the castle late last night.

I'm not sure why. I found this really nice spot, and it just happens to be within eye-shot of the castle. I like to go there to think and be alone. I've been thinking a lot about AJL and some of the things he's said, and what some of you have said. I really want to trust him. I do.

So last night AJL had a guest. It might be his girlfriend. He's never mentioned one but it's not like he'd talk to a kid about that. She was dressed really nice and arrived in a limo.

I was kind of curious about what AJL would do on a date. You know how he'd talk etc. I figured I could get some tips from listening in. Boy do I wish I hadn't. What I heard ... I'm pretty sure I'm too young to hear that kind of talk. You know the kind. Naked talk.

Anyway, she stayed for two hours and fourteen minutes. I didn't see AJL at all, but she left in a limo. Maybe she was just visiting.

Oh well gotta go home now. Mom's waiting for me to help with the pies. MMMMMM pie.

tabloidboy

4:29p

This day seems endless. My eyes ache. I did not sleep well last night. I’ve been finding it difficult to sleep in this castle, to relax. When I do sleep I have dreams. The dreams seem harmless enough, moments of life back in the city. I’m often at a club or some dark open space with people milling about. It’s always as if I’m there and I’m not at the same time. Like I can watch people but they don’t speak to me. Like I’m a ghost. Although in last night’s dream I wasn’t alone, I had a beautiful brunette on my arm. But I saw my angel sitting on a couch in the corner with his friends. I went over to speak with him, but it was as if he didn’t see or hear me--my voice lost in the space, I was speaking but I wasn’t. And he didn’t even seem to know I was there.

There was something extremely unnerving about it. And now, as I am trying to concentrate on work, bits and pieces of the dream keep coming back to me. Perhaps it’s time for a coffee break.

anotherlife

01:08 am

Current Mood: pensive

From Afar

I should have gone to bed a long time ago (school tomorrow).
But when I switched the lights off in my room earlier I saw that there was light coming from the window in my neighbor's barn. He has a loft up there which he calls his "fortress of solitude." I have been there once, when I went to apolgize for my BF's behavior.

I sat down by my window, watching. At first he was using his telescope to look at the stars, and then he just leaned against the window frame and looked out at the sky. I obviously couldn't see his face but I assume he was thinking. I got my blanket and pulled up a chair and for the last hour I have just been watching him. I wonder what he is thinking about. There is something about him that draws me to him. Not necessarily attraction (although he is a cutie) but...I don't know. There is just something. And I think we have things in common.

I wonder when I'll have the chance to talk to him again.

lions_den

07:03 pm

Current Mood: angry

Current Music: This is how you remind me [of what I really am] - Nickelback

My son is infatuated with this boy... let's nickname him "Angel", shall we. He's no angel, though. He keeps lying to my son and then whines about it in his lj, which I won't link here; "Oh, woe is me, I don't want to lie, but what else can I do?"

How about, tell the truth, *grumble/mumble/censored*. Stop leading my son on.

Thur 11

freak4ever

5:42 p.m.

Current Mood: happy

And then she ....

talked to me.

LL talked to me today in the hall at school. It was kind of weird and really unexpected, but really nice. I didn't trip or fall on my face. She was really nice. Her eyes were all sparkly, but she seemed kind of tense. I guess it was because of what WF did to me. I just told her to forget it. She changed the subject right away.

We talked for a few minutes about stuff until WF showed up. LL seemed really apologetic about it. She looked up at me with these really sorry eyes. I wanted to hold her so badly. She looked so beautiful, and soft. WF acted all hostile and made a crack about horning in on his girl. I wanted to punch him so badly. I think LL saw that because she pulled him away, and said they needed to go.

At least she talked to me and it was nice. I'm so glad we're becoming friends. It's nice. I think I'm starting to like her even more as I get to know her.

Got to go to do some chores.

6:09p

Current Mood: uncomfortable

Oh man

Yesterday I saw AJL at the coffee shop. After some of the comments you all made about my last post, I think maybe I know what you were getting at though I'm not sure I believe it!. I can't believe that AJL would want or need that sort of thing.

Even so, I couldn't even look him in the eyes. I was so embarrassed. I tried to get away as fast as I could, but he wanted to talk so I stood there like an idiot, and every time I tried to look into his eyes all I could think about was the sounds I'd heard that night. . .

I am NEVER spying on him again.

I have to go now. I need to burn off some energy. Maybe running around the county a few hundred times will do that.

tabloidboy

8:48p

Still no luck on the sleeping front. I’ve been making an effort to tire myself out. Sitting at my desk all day doesn’t help my sense of general well being. So I’ve been working out more, in the gym, swimming—anything to work up a sweat, to force the tension out of my body. I’m thinking I may call my fencing instructor to schedule another lesson. She’ll only beat me soundly, I know, and perhaps I should feel emasculated by losing to her so repeatedly. But I enjoy it anyway. I can forget myself in the movement. For those moments nothing else exists.

Yesterday, after posting here, I visited the local coffee shop in an effort to ward off my general sense of malaise. I ran into my angel there. School had let out a while before, and he often spends time there. When I first saw him…I just had such a sense of relief, like speaking with him might shake me out of this mood the way nothing else could. But when we spoke, he was acting so strangely. Well, it was strange for him at least. Other people act that way around me often. He couldn’t look me in the eye—he looked everywhere but at me. I will admit that it stung. It really fucking stung. I had thought that he was different.

It may be that I am overreacting. Perhaps his mind was elsewhere. I noticed that he seemed to be…well, let’s just say that my eyes happened to stray from his face, and I found myself unable to ignore proof that my angel has a healthy libido. He must have been thinking about his dark-haired crush. So it seems his lack of focus may have had nothing to do with me at all.

anotherlife

07:08 pm

Current Mood: enraged

Taking Chances

I talked to my neighbor today, at school.

He was standing next to his locker all by himself and I thought now or never. The conversation was a bit awkward because we didn't really know what to talk about. There is a lot I want to say to him, to ask him, but the hallway at school, in between classes, isn't the place for that.

I tried to tell him again how sorry I was for what happened to him but he brushed it off. I think he might not be ready to talk about it, which I can understand. We talked for a few minutes, about nothing at all, really. About his parents' farm and school stuff. But it was nice to just talk. This might sound weird... but he makes me feel safe. It's a wonderful feeling.

I noticed this longing in his eyes while we talked. Maybe it was directed towards me but I am not sure (you should know that people have said for years that my neighbor has a crush on me). It was definitely different, though also related, to the way my BF looks at me sometimes. Although with him, lust is always barely held back underneath the surface of his look. I can never decide if that turns me on or creeps me out. God, this is so weird. But anyway, today in the hallway, I wish I could have hugged my neighbor but I didn't want to risk my BF seeing us and throwing a fit.

It was a good thing I didn't reach out to my neighbor because when my BF came over to us, he made a really nasty comment that I won't repeat here. Needless to say, my neighbor was ready to beat him up so I dragged my BF away. I told him he was a total idiot (which I have never said to him before) and then left him standing. We were planning to go out to a movie tonight but I really don't want to see him now. I don't know why he is acting that way towards my neighbor. I told my BF that there isn't anything going on. Why doesn't trust me? Why not? I am so angry.

I'll go out riding for a while now. The sun is almost down but it'll be ok. I just need to leave everything behind for some time.

lions_den

10:03 am

Current Mood: busy

Things to do today:

Merger with company M.
Sex with D.
Sort through baby photos of son
Workout & Swim
Talk to decorator about office

Fri 12

freak4ever

10:56a

Current Mood: anxious

Hmmm

So I tried to call CS at her cousin's place but whoever answered said she was unavailable. She was really rude and hung up before I could leave a message.

I also tried to call LL and her aunt told me she couldn't talk. I wonder if maybe LL just told her aunt to say that because she didn't want to talk to me.

Last night when I went for a run I saw LL on her horse. I followed her for a few minutes to make sure she was okay. She seemed fine. There was no WF around. I wonder if they had a fight.

Maybe I should go check on her. I think she's in class now. I'm kind of hiding in the newsroom. I have to go soon.

I think I'll just wait by my locker and see if she shows up. :) If I'm lucky her boy fiend won't be around.

10:29p

Current Mood: bouncy

pool at AJL's

I did it. I went over to see AJL after I finished the deliveries. I wasn't bugging him like my dad keeps saying. I didn't even interrupt anything.

We talked. I asked him about girls and kissing. I wanted to ask about that lady from the other night, but I just didn't feel like it was my business. I did find out he doesn't have a girlfriend. He seemed kind of sad or something. This is going to sound really weird, but I kind of wanted to hold him; make him feel better, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have gone for that. He really looks like he could use a hug from a friend. I'm so glad I met him. He's really cool.

He told me he's had his share of girlfriends, so he could help me out with dating advice whenever I need it. With LL I mean. He also told me that it was hard for him to find the right woman since most of them only want him for his money. I couldn't care less about that. I mean it's nice that he has all this stuff but it's only stuff. I'd still like him even if he didn't drive a Porsche or six. :)

At one point he choked on something so I had to pat him on the back. This is what I mean when I say that I'm a freak. Most people don't have to be very careful when they do something so simple, but I have to be aware 100 per cent of the time what I am doing. One wrong move and I could have bruised his back.

He fed me and showed me how to play pool. I really suck at it, but I had a lot of fun. He also told me I could come over anytime I liked.

Anyway, I was really embarrassed when I told him that I'd only kissed one girl ever and only one time. He said things that kind of surprised me. I mean why would anybody want to go out with a big freak like me.

I want to go over again next week or maybe in a few days. I have to confess something and it's going to sound kind of mean. I couldn't help it. When ever he turned his back to me I couldn't help but stare at his head. You might think it's a weird thing to do but you see, AJL is bald. He's only 21 and it isn't that he chose to be bald. I wanted to ask how it happened, but I couldn't find the right time. It looks good on him, and he has this bump on the back of his head right at the base of his skull.

I do that a lot; stare at people. I wonder how it is that I look so much like everybody else. You would never know that I was a freak just by looking at me.

In other news LL and I are going to do our math homework together. I'm really excited about it. I think my mom will let us do it in my loft. She should be fine with that I hope. LL and I talked in the hall for a few uninterrupted minutes. We were standing really close together so nobody else could hear what we were saying. Not that it was anything private, but you know.

She smelled so good. God I have to admit I was really excited to be near her. She smiles like I imagine an angel would smile. And she was wearing this nice sweater. It was really pretty. Hey, I'm a guy I notice these things. :)

Gotta go. I have to get up early tomorrow to do chores. Bye.

tabloidboy

10:18a

God my father makes me so angry. Talking with him on the phone is just as infuriating as seeing him in person. And he doesn’t even have to say anything. I can hear his voice in my head with every decision I make—disapproving, assessing, and finding me wanting. Yet at the same time I think he is threatened by me. Like he knows eventually I’ll exceed him. I’m sure that’s why he sent me away. And here I am, working for him, under his thumb, at his beck and call. But I’ll be damned if I do it his way. He sent me out here, away from him, and those of you who said it was an opportunity are correct. An opportunity to get away from him and follow my own path. I’m sure that he will try to sabotage my way. He thinks he’s so much more a man than I. But he doesn’t know me at all.

lions_den

12:38 pm

My son has his own private little stalker. He doesn't even care. Half of the lj users and his "friends" seem to think it's utterly cute.

Amazing, isn't it.

04:09 pm

She used to brush my hair. She used to brush our son's hair up to a point. My late wife, that is. I think about it every time I brush my own hair, every day. About her delicate hands, her infinite patience.

Not to say I haven't let anyone else do it. But she did it for years, every morning, every night before we'd go to bed. Wherever we were, at home or in hotel rooms or in a million other locations.

I guess it's part of the reason I keep my hair the same way, more or less. A bit longer or a bit shorter, but always pretty much the same. I need the routine of brushing it, to relax me, and so I have something to remember her by every morning, every evening.

05:25 pm

Current Mood: what do you think?

Just got off the phone....

I hate hurting my son. I hate it. I hate that wounded little look on his face - he hides it well, but he can't hide it from me; his eyes and lips are too expressive. And I can hear that look in his voice when he's on the phone.

Everything I say or do is somehow wrong. Ever happened to you? I try to be nice, he thinks I'm condescending. I try to teach him about life, he thinks I'm angry with him. I try to challenge him, motivate him to become better, and he assumes I think he's a failure, which is not at all the case - I just think he can do better.

My goodness, the way I'm going on about him. You'd think I'm a heartbeat away from showing you baby photos of him.

Which I won't. He looks very different now anyway.

~Li

ETA:

I feel like crying.

I wish I could.

Can't.

Instead I'm sitting here listening to Chopin and drinking. Scotch is a wonderful thing. Also watching bad sitcoms to see friendly, happy, all-American families function. It's maddening.

I've been told that crying bestows relief upon you. Wish I could tell.

Sat 13

tabloidboy

11:46a

Warning: This entry is very bitter. My last entry was very bitter. If you don’t want to read it, well, then don’t.

My head fucking aches. I’m thinking that coffee might not be enough this morning. Hair of the dog is more in order. And I know, I know, before you all write in warning me about the state of my liver, just stop. I don’t want to hear it. This was a special case.

You see, my angel came to see me yesterday, to apologize, no less, for how he behaved at the coffee shop the day before. I wasn’t sure what to make of that, except that it’s further proof that he is the kind hearted person I believe him to be.

He also asked me for romantic advice. Apparently he is having trouble making the next move with his crush. The questions he asked about my experiences with women, they just made me feel…old. And different. I doubt that any of my experiences could be anything he would need to–or want to–know about. I’ve never been innocent. And nothing I could tell him would have any relevance to his high school crush, his adolescent romance.

He told me that he’s only ever kissed one girl. I find that hard to believe, he’s so stunningly beautiful. But I’m sure he was telling me the truth. He seemed so embarrassed about it.

At his request, I taught him to play pool, and that proved to be a truly dangerous activity. Standing too close, too much of an opportunity just to take him in, to devour him with my eyes, and to be so aware of how I couldn’t touch. He’s so innocent, so tempting…and so somewhere I have no right to go.

My real downfall came when we stopped to have a snack. That boy has an endless appetite. He basically devoured a full plate of sandwiches. But it was watching him drink that pretty much put me over the edge.

I didn’t realize how upset the whole interaction made me until after he was gone. I gave up the evening for a loss at that point. And today doesn’t look like it will be much better.

But hey, at least it’s gotten my mind off that business with my father. Fuck him. Fuck it all.

anotherlife

01:20 pm

Current Mood: annoyed

Best Laid Plans

I have to cancel plans with my neighbor.

My aunt asked me to help her out with the store. I usually don’t mind but today I am extremely annoyed, as you can certainly imagine. This may sound mean, but I wonder if she asked me because I wanted to go over to my neighbor’s. See, my aunt doesn’t like his mom at all. I have no idea why because his mom is wonderful and so kind. Maybe it’s something from their past. But I get a feeling that my aunt doesn’t want to me to get to close to him or his family.

Now I have to call my neighbor and tell him I can’t make it. He’ll be so disappointed. I know that he was looking forward to this as much as I was. Life is so unfair sometimes. Hmm, my aunt has her book club tonight. Maybe I can go over to my neighbor then, and hang out for a little while in his loft.

lions_den

07:12 pm

Current Mood: tired

Current Music: Queen - Breakthrough

If I could only reach you
If I could make you smile
If I could only reach you
That would really be a breakthrough

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redhotmama

10:58 am

Current Mood: bored

Apologies around....

I am so sorry that I have not been around lately. The farm is keeping me and Jon pretty busy. I hear my son has a journal on here. Can someone point me in that direction? I know I should give him some space and I really don't want to pry but sometimes he just doesn't talk to me at all. It seems that he doesn't want to worry me and he tells his father instead of me but damn it I'm his mom and I wanna know too. Anyway, I have pies to get out and produce to get ready for delivery.