21 July 2003

German Forces Occupying France Swell to 650, French Leaders On Verge of Begging For American, British Aid---

(Paris-stadt, Re-occupied France)  Following the sudden, decisive invasion and subsequent conquest of the French Republic by Teutonic tourists last week, Frenchmen worldwide are lamenting their huge, embarrassing failure to defend their nation once again.  The French government fled to neighboring Switzerland in a few Renault SUVs and booked entire floors of several prestigious hotels in Geneva.  President Jacques Chirac and Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin have been working in secret to develop their strategy to recapture Paris, mainly relying on hordes of syphilitic prostitutes whom they hope will demoralize the German tourists.

The highest-ranking officer in the remaining French Army, Captain Louis LeClerque, has suggested an alternative.  He commands an imposing force of 32 dedicated soldiers, postal employees, and firemen, which he has christened "the desparate bastards."  In an exclusive The Liberty Cabbage interview, he unveiled his plans to liberate the conquered homeland.  "First, we will drive to the coastal city of Nice, drink vats of wine, then pass out for a week.  Then we will proceed to Cannes where we will molest every girl between 16 and 22 by..."  The remaining portion of his plans were too secret too reveal.

Still other Frenchmen pose a more plausible strategy, one which the French government has until now refused to consider.  The United Kingdom and the United States defended France from German aggression twice before, and certainly would have little trouble rounding up the rowdy tourists with a few hundred Marines.  But stubborn French pride and an intense hatred of President Bush cloud the minds of the higher ministers of the government.

"Why should the Americans help us this time?  We can take the Germans, even if it takes five centuries," said one interior minister, who refused to identify herself.  But she is becoming part of a minority as we speak.

Yesterday, Chirac suggested changing the name of France to Frence so that he could request American aid without fear of denial.  De Villepin has gone farther, removing Bush and Blair dartboards from the hotel rooms of his ministry.  "I hope that my actions will only further convince the American government that we still love her and would love her intervention in this matter."

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