22 July 2003

Study Shows That Americans Are Not Wearing Enough Corporate Logos---

(New York, NY)  According to a revealing study sponsored by Tommy Hilfiger Inc., the GAP Inc., Old Navy Inc., and about four thousand other designer clothing retailers, including the sportsshoe industry led by Nike Inc., Americans apparently are not wearing enough corporate logos yet.  Dr. Nigel Blande, chief of the Human Billboard Project, HBP, observed at least 3 people walking Broadway at rush hour yesterday not wearing some form of corporate logo.

"I just couldn't believe it.  There was this lawyer-looking guy in a suit, which I expected.  But then two teenaged kids walked by, and neither of them wore anything bearing the name of the retailer.  In fact, I think their clothing might have been manufactured in the United States by well-paid unionized workers, not by five-year-olds in Thailand.  This has got to stop!"

Blande's findings came as a shock to many in the clothing retail industry.  Mandy R. Phillips, Chief of Marketing for ShiitCake, a popular urban sportswear company, is developing a policy to address this problem.  "Obviously, we have to blanket the entire globe with our logos, or people will forget to buy our products.  In addition, we know that our customers are a bunch of retards, utterly devoid of personalities or self esteem.  We hope that our logos, hanging off their bodies as t-shirts, hats, visors, and sneakers, can give them a sense of self.  Really, our destruction of class and style in the United States is a public service.  You don't see parents teaching their kids who they are.  We're the ones who can make fifteen-year-old girls say "I'm a ShiitCake girl.  Hear me moan!"

Phillips hopes to work with high school principles across the country to force children to conform to the corporate standard.  "It all starts with the kids.  If we can get them to start wearing substandard and expensive clothing with our logos, they will probably continue to wear "logoed" clothing till they die.  That is, if they can afford it!  The average pair of Nike's, for example, is almost as expensive as a small Japanese car.  But, the Japanese don't smear their logos all over their cars, yet.  We're already trying to convince American auto manufacturers to take our lead.  The new Ford Crapola, for example, will have imprints of Henry Ford's genitals all over it.  Our innovations are definitely speeding forward, not stagnating!"