A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me." "This one's kind of strange replies the woman..." "Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied. "Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies." "I see", replies the doctor. "That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl." "Uh-huh" "That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! "You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about." "You're simply going through the change" |
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taught American History 2 email us at: email us |
I know you remember..........
Close your eyes . . . and go back in time . . .
before the Internet, Before semi-automatics and crack.
Before SEGA or Super Nintendo . . . way back . . .
I'm talking about hide and seek at dusk. The Good
Humor man, Red light, green light. The corner store.
Hopscotch, butterscotch, doubledutch, jacks,
kickball, dodgeball. Mother May I? Red Rover and Roly
Poly. Hula Hoops. Running through the sprinkler. The
smell of the sun and licking salty lips . . .
Wax lips and mustaches. An ice cream cone on a warm
summer night, chocolate or vanilla or strawberry or
maybe butter pecan. A real cherry coke from the fountain at
the corner drug store.
Watching Saturday Morning cartoons on your black and white television.
Fat Albert, Road Runner, The Three Stooges, and Bugs,
or staying up for Gunsmoke.
Watching the Sandy Becker Show weekdays at 4 pm.
Wonderama on sunday mornings from 9 to noon.
Oh, the wonders of the first color television.
Batman looked great on the first color tv.
When around the corner seemed far away, and going
downtown seemed like going somewhere. A million
mosquito bites. Sticky fingers. Cops and Robbers,
Cowboys and Indians, Zorro. Climbing trees, Building
igloos out of snow banks. Walking to school, no matter
what the weather. Running till you were out of breath.
Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt. Jumping on
the bed. Pillow fights. Spinning around, getting
dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles. Being
tired from playing.
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a
team. War was a card game. Water balloons were the
ultimate weapon. Baseball cards in the spokes
transformed any bike into a motorcycle. Eating
Kool-aid powder or envelopes of Lick-M-Aid powder?
Remember when . . . there were two types of sneakers
for girls and boys (Keds & PF Flyers) and the only
time you wore them at school, was for "gym."
When it wasn't odd to have two or three "best"
friends.
When nobody owned a purebred dog.
When a quarter was a decent allowance, and another
quarter a miracle.
When milk went up one cent and everyone talked about
it for weeks?
When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked,
and gas pumped, without asking, for free, every time.
And, you didn't pay for air. And, you got trading
stamps to boot!
When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or
towels hidden inside the box.
When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids
got there.
When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up, if
you even had one, and it took up the space of a
recliner.
When your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
When it was considered a great privilege to be taken
out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.
When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high
school, if then.
When all of your male teachers wore neckties and
female teachers had their hair done.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him
or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even
the kid, thought a thing of it.
When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if
they failed . . . and did!
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing
compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving
student at home. Basically, we were in fear for our
lives but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings,
drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a
much bigger threat! And some of us are still afraid of
them!!!
When decisions were made by going
"eeny-meeny-miney-moe."
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do
over!"
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker
in "Monopoly."
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex
was cooties.
It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic
event.
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a
slingshot.
Nobody was prettier than Mom. Scrapes and bruises
were kissed and made better.
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a
"double-dog-dare".
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also
the fiercest protectors.
Putting "dibs" on something was an iron-clad rule
that you got to keep it.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you
have LIVED! Pass this on to anyone who may need a
break from their "grown up" life . . . I DOUBLE DOG
DARE YA!
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CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER'S SOUL
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers
in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.
If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work
and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself,
"It is better that I drink this beer
and let their dreams come true
than be selfish and worry about my liver."
-- Jack Handy
I feel sorry for people who don't drink.
When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be
drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have
the decency to thank her.
--W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking,
I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.
Coincidence? I think not!
--Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we
fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo,
let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- Brian O'Rourke
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be
happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry
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