Chapter One: What He Shouldn't Be Doing.....
** Karl **
I shifted uneasily from foot to foot as I listened to the sound of the doorbell echoing inside the house. I shouldn’t be here, I *know* that, not that there’s anything wrong with just being here. It’s what I know will happen once I’m inside that’s so bad. And yet, I can’t help myself. Just as I’d decided that there was no one home and turned to leave, the door swung open. Harry stood there before me, wearing nothing but a pair of faded jeans, his chest bare. It was suddenly very difficult to swallow, much less do anything as normal as return Harry’s easy greeting. I nodded mutely and stepped inside when he gestured for me to do so.
He didn’t say anything, just watched me as I looked right back at him. I couldn’t help it. Harry waited, always so patient, knowing that eventually the reason I’m here will come out. Except that I don’t know why I’m here anymore, don’t know anything. My thoughts are all jumbled in my mind so that I don’t know what to think, how to feel, all I know right now is him. I inhaled deeply, trying to clear my mind, but it didn’t work. Nothing could clear my head right now, all I know is that I shouldn’t be here, but I can’t force myself to move away from Harry. I am drawn to him, and I can’t resist any longer.
I’m focusing so intently on Harry, that the background has faded and he’s highlighted, his features seared into my mind. I feel lightheaded and it occurred to me that I have somehow forgotten to breathe while I studied him.
My lips part, I mean to say something, I don’t know what, but nothing comes out all the same. All I know is that I have stepped forward, and I’m touching him now. I can feel the warmth of his bare skin. His eyes, that amber shade are fixed so steadily on mine, and somewhere in the back of my mind, I expect to find blue staring back at me, but no, it’s gold.
I lean closer to him, and the moment before our lips touch, Harry pulls back just the slightest bit.
“Are you sure about this, Karl?” he asks, and I can hear in his voice that he is, that he wants this as much as I do. Needs it like I do.
I close my eyes for a moment before replying.
“No.” It’s barely even a sound, more like a memory of one, and before he even has time to react, I take that one tiny step forward, the smallest of movements, and then his mouth is on mine. And if I thought it was difficult to breathe before, it’s fucking impossible now. Emotions flash through me too fast for me to even know what I am feeling.
For one perfect second all I know is how right this feels, how very much I love the feel of Harry’s body against mine. And then it changes, a face flashes into my mind, and I can’t push it aside. Don’t want to push it away, I cling to it with my last remaining shred of sanity. I pull back from Harry, knowing that I can’t do this. Not to *him*, nothing it worse losing him, even this.
** Harry **
The moment I saw Karl standing on my porch, I knew something would happen. I know what I hoped for, and that things could never work out how I wanted them to, because no matter what I wanted, he wasn’t free. But even though my brain made me pull back, make sure this was okay with him, I wanted nothing more than to just lose myself in him.
For one moment, I did. Feeling the way his body relaxed against mine, I forgot those two little letters, forgot that he had even said anything, it simply didn’t matter. This was the only thing that did. The way his body spoke to me made clear how he felt. It said to mine what I needed to hear. I can’t resist him.
Then he pulled back, and I could see in his eyes why he had. Even though I knew it was the right thing, it still made a lump rise in my throat. I had to fight to keep my hands from reaching out to him, pulling him closer once more. We both knew if I did that, he would never be able to leave. And this had to be his choice.
He’s not free to stay, and I cannot ask him to. It’s not fair, and I don’t want it to be like that. I want him to be mine. Not just for a few stolen moments. We both need more.
“I think you better go,” I said to him, my voice was rough, even to my ears. Still, I knew I had to do it. He knew nothing could happen, hell, nothing *should* happen. Not with that between us, it simply wasn’t right.
I opened the door, watching him as he walked away from me, not turning around. And still I said nothing, there was nothing that I could say to him right now. It would take more than words to make this right, make it something that either of us could understand.
I stood in the doorway long after there was nothing left there to see. I finally closed the door, but the silence in the house weighed heavily on me. I turned the TV on, just to have some noise to keep me company, to try and keep my mind off that hollow part of my mind, anything to wipe from my mind the memory of those lips on mine. Anything to try and keep my mind from wondering what those hands would feel like on my body, how his body would feel beneath me, slick with sweat.
I still sat staring at the TV before long after the sky had darkened and night fallen. I don’t remember a single thing I saw. Everywhere I looked all that I saw was Karl.
** Craig **
I hummed softly to myself as I finished cleaning the kitchen. It’s been quiet here tonight, the first night in a long time that I’ve had just to myself, away from all the crowds, the parties, the people. I’ve barely seen Karl all day and I miss just having him around. I was looking forward to a nice evening, just the two of us; it’s been far too long since we’ve had that.
Once I finished with the kitchen, I headed upstairs, and drew myself a nice hot bath. Not something I usually take the time for, but I know it will relieve the tension that’s tightened my muscles, relieve that dull ache at the base of my neck.
I cleared the foggy mirror with a quick swipe of my hand after I finally dragged myself from the bath. Rubbing the towel briskly over my head to dry my hair, I headed into the bedroom. I’m too tired to do anything more now than just dry the moisture from my skin and crawl into bed.
The covers settle over my shoulder with a comforting weight, familiar. I had meant to wait up for Karl, but I’m simply too tired. Yawning widely, I wiggle around in the bed until I find just the right position. Karl always teases me about this, but I simply can’t fall asleep without doing it.
The bed quickly grows comfortably warm from the heat of my body, but I’m asleep before I even really notice.
** Karl **
The light over the stove in the kitchen is the only one on when I get home. I flick it off and head quietly upstairs, moving slowly so as not to bump into anything, and cursing myself as I go for not turning on another light.
The bedroom is dark, and I realize that Craig must already be asleep. I turn the light on in the bathroom, only leaving the door open a crack, so that there is nothing but a narrow band of light across the floor that I can see by. I know it won’t wake Craig, he’s a deep sleeper, but still I take extra care to keep quiet.
I close the door behind me once I go into the bathroom. Splashing cold water on my face, I study myself in the mirror as water drips from my skin into the sink. There are times when I don’t know myself any more. The events from the afternoon run through my mind again. Shaking my head, I feel guilt gnawing hotly in my stomach.
It was just a little kiss I tell myself, but that’s not what is truly bothering me. It’s not *what* I did, but that I wanted more. God, I wanted Harry so much it physically hurt, still does. And that’s why I feel so guilty. I know Craig could forgive me the kiss, it certainly wouldn’t please him, but he’s comfortable enough to let it go. But not *why* I did it. He knows me so well, too well I think sometimes. It lasted only a few moments, but it was far from innocent.
The muscles in my jaw clench of their own accord. Turning off the light in the bathroom as I leave, I’m greeted by the inky blackness of the bedroom. I stand for a moment without moving, letting my eyes adjust to the lack of light. I undress quickly, letting my clothes fall to the floor.
The bed is cool, making me shiver as I slip into the bed. I slide closer to Craig, feeling the warmth radiating from his body. The feel of familiar skin against mine makes me feel ashamed. I bite my lip in the darkness, as Craig turns over in his sleep, pressing closer to me. He deserves so much better than I am giving him now.
It takes hours for me to fall asleep. The soft even sound of Craig’s breathing that usually lulls me to sleep keeps me awake tonight
End of Part One.