** Craig **
Something is bothering Karl. I can feel it in the way he speaks, how he hesitates when he moves to touch me, and most of all in the distracted air that surrounds him constantly now. I know that whatever it is will come out eventually, Karl has never been one to bottle things up. Yet, this seems different somehow; I don’t think he quite knows how to start. And this makes me pause, for if he thinks he can’t tell me, then I’m sure it’s not something I’m going to want to hear. I need to know now though, I need to know what it is we’re dealing with.
He’s in the living room and I sit down next to him, we’re facing each other. Close, but not touching.
“Karl, what’s wrong?”
He looks up at me quickly, for a moment, reminding me of a deer trapped in the headlights, not sure which way to go, what to do. It’s gone as quickly as it came, but I can’t forget it, any more than I can forget the way my entire body went cold at that look.
“What do you mean wrong?” he asks edgily, and I can’t help but laugh at his words.
“I mean the same thing that people always mean when they ask that. Don’t tell me that there’s not something bothering you. I know you better than that, Karl.”
He studies me for a moment, his hazel eyes intense. “Well….there is something wrong,” he starts slowly, his eyes sliding away from mine and around the room, studying it.
“What is it?” My voice is soft, urging him on.
“I…,” his voice falters, and his eyes return to mine, but only for moment and then they are gone again.
“Karl, I need to know.”
“I don’t know how to tell you,” he confesses, and I can see that he’s miserable, that this goes much deeper than I had thought.
“Karl, you know you can tell me anything,” I murmur to him, taking his hand in my own. It’s cold.
He fidgets next to me, his foot tapping gently on the floor, a rapid steady rhythm that he’s not aware of. He never is, but I know him, know he’s nervous.
“Don’t say that,” he implores me, “don’t be so nice. I don’t deserve that.”
“What happened, Karl?” my voice is still soft, but it’s different now, there’s a hard note in it now.
“Harry. I went to Harry’s the other day,” he says, and he’s speaking so low I can barely make out the words.
“And?” I prompt him.
He breathes deeply, and pulls his hand from mine. “I….I kissed him.” The volume of his voice hasn’t changed, but he might as well be yelling now.
I don’t know what to say, don’t know what to think. So I sit there. I sit there, unmoving and just watch him, the way his fingers are twined together. I see the emotion in his eyes as he finally looks at me, whispers “I’m so sorry”.
I don’t even acknowledge that he has spoken, not because I’m angry, but because I can’t remember how to speak.
Harry. I had known all along that some day he would mean trouble for this relationship. But I can’t be angry with Karl. If it had been someone else, then maybe I could, but I simply can’t be mad over Harry. I had known from the start that he was trouble for us. I just hadn’t known who would be the one to make the first move with him. But all along I knew it would be him.
** Harry **
The harsh ring of the phone startled me. I adjusted the volume before I answer it, the shrill tone cuts right through me.
“Hello?”
“Harry?”
It’s Craig. And I know that he knows now. I can hear it in his voice, with just the one word. I hate thinking that he’s mad at me.
Craig, always laughing, those blue eyes dancing. The idea of him mad just doesn’t fit in my mind. He’s not a man made for anger.
“I’m sorry,” I blurt out. And I am. Not that I kissed Karl, I would never be sorry for that. I’m sorry that I hurt him.
And then Craig did something that shocked me to my core. He laughed.
“No, you’re not,” he says, and relief coursed through my body as I realize that he’s not mad after all.
I don’t quite know what to say, how to react to that.
“No, I’m not sorry for what I did.”
“You always knew it would be one of us,” he says, and I realize that I did know that. I had simply forgotten.
“Harry, I think we all need to talk, can you come to dinner on Friday?”
Craig always can surprise me. And I love that about him, that he never says what I expect him to. But still, the thought makes my stomach twist.
“Is Karl okay with this?”
“He will be.”
And what can I do but accept? I’m scared how this will all play out, too much is there now, too much is at stake for everyone. And at the same time, part of me can’t wait for Friday to arrive.
** Karl **
I’m not sure how to feel. Harry and Craig. The three of us, together, getting all this out in the open. Mostly I’m scared out of my fucking mind. I can’t lose Craig; it’s as simple as that. It doesn’t matter how long I’ve been attracted to Harry; Craig is what’s important. And I know that. Everything else comes second after him. Everything.
The doorbell rings, and I freeze. Craig rushes by, raising a single eyebrow at the look on my face. I’m not sure that I’m ready to face this now. Craig and I have talked practically nonstop, going over every detail, every moment. I know what he wants to talk about with Harry, and I know that it’s the best solution. The only solution. And I want it more than I can understand. And that is precisely why I am so fucking terrified right now.
Somehow I manage to forget why Harry is really here during dinner, because then it’s just Harry and Craig. It’s comfortable, we fit together so easily that it just seems natural. It’s not until we’re all in the living room that I remember again. My stomach flip flops as I study Harry. I look to Craig, and once I see those familiar blue eyes, I know that this is right. It’s sink or swim now, and there’s no choice but to simply leap in and hope for the best.
** Harry **
I can’t help but notice the little looks that pass between Craig and Karl all through the evening. The way when Karl walks by, his hand trails over Craig’s shoulders. Mostly I notice how he doesn’t even think twice about it, how it’s just so natural for him to touch Craig like that. It really hits home tonight just how perfect for each other they are. I’m not really sure why I’m here anymore, not sure what they want to talk about. And even though it makes me ache, I can’t stop watching them, they’re so beautiful together, it’s impossible to look away.
Karl is nervous, and it always shows. Only in small movements. On the surface he looks the same as always, but if you now where to look, it’s obvious. The way his fingers play against one another as he sits there. The way he swallows, harder than usual, as if it takes more concentration.
If Craig is nervous, I can’t tell. He’s always covered it better than Karl has; sparkling blue eyes dance and distract you, so that it doesn’t matter if he’s nervous. You just don’t notice. Karl’s slight discomfort is charming; Craig’s lack of it is disarming.
I’m only half listening when he starts speaking, so caught up in studying both of them. And I can’t help thinking that I would love to see them together, skin pressed against skin, fingers tangling in dark hair. I just want to watch as the pleasure builds, the unthinking need for each other taking over, until they simply aren’t even aware that there exists anything else in this world but the person before them. I want to be there, to see the moment when they just lose themselves in the other.
But something Craig is saying catches my attention suddenly. He laughs easily at the look on my face as the import of his words sink in.
“Did I hear you right?” I ask him, my brow furrowed.
“Depends what you heard.”
This is no time for jokes. The last thing I feel like doing right now is laughing. It takes all my self-control to simply stay in my seat right now, to keep my expression firmly in check.
“Are you sure about this?” I ask them shakily, eyes darting from one to the other. “You’re not going to change your mind?”
“No, we’ve really thought it over,” Karl says slowly, “we’ve talked it over again and again. This is what we both want…. what we need” He adds, and I can only nod dumbly, my mind’s still reeling.
“When?”
“So, you think it’s a good idea?” Craig asks, and for the first time that night, I can see he’s unsure about what I will say, and I can see how much he wants this. This puts me at ease, just to know that he’s not as composed as he seems at first glance.
“I think…..I wish one of us had thought of it sooner,” I murmur, and they both smile in relief. “So…when do you want to do this?” I ask again, hesitantly.
“Tonight.”
It’s impossible to swallow. My throat has constricted at that simple word, and I can’t breathe. My head swims at the lack of oxygen, or maybe it’s what’s about to happen that’s making me light headed.
I feel a sharp tug in my groin as I realize that after tonight I will know for sure just how they look together. I’ll know just how Karl’s skin looks in the soft light, how Craig’s body will arch into Karl’s. I’ll know the way their skin feels beneath my hands; know the feel of their mouths on my body. It scare me how much I need them, both of them.
I know now that I could walk out the door and let that be the end of it. I smile then, knowing there is no way that I would ever walk away from this. When you’re suddenly handed something you’ve dreamed of for longer than you can remember, and never known you could have, you just don’t say no. No’s simply never been an option for me tonight.
End of Part 2.