Title: Honor Bound 12/16
Author: Elandae (j_3101@yahoo.ca)
Beta: The lovely and charming Daea
Pairing: Craig/Karl, Craig/Dave, Karl/Dave (implied)
Rating: NC-17 overall
Disclaimer: Don’t know them; make no claims of any sort. This is nothing but fiction.
Warning: violence, AU
Feedback: Love it
Dedication: For Daes and Kels.
Website: https://www.angelfire.com/hero/worship0/homepage.htm
Chapter 12: Explanations
The days once more began to blur. Craig was kept busy during the day for which he was grateful. Some tasks were more complicated but he took to them quickly.
The late summer days grew gracefully into fall in a blaze of vivid colors. Fall faded away into winter, the leaves falling from the trees to cover the ground. Life in the palace fell into pleasant routines, dramas large and small unfolding around Craig, if not ignored by him, then simply unacknowledged.
He sat now, watching Karl as he lay stretched across the bed, eyes lazily moving up the length of the man’s body. Karl was relaying some tale from the days past as Craig half listened, too caught up in his perusal of the man to absorb al of what was being said. A phrase would filter through occasionally but for the most part he simply watched the man as he spoke, the light in his eyes. It was rare that Karl told him stories such as this but they were almost transfixing. Tales of bravery and fighting, ones that stretched the realms of possibility. Craig was never sure how much of what he was told was true, the way this man wove the words made even the simplest thing seem magnified and important.
“Have you heard a word I said?” Karl asked suddenly, casting Craig a critical glance.
“Some of them,” Craig responded with a bright smile.
Karl laughed at the response, giving Craig a steady look.
“I am your Prince,” he said, eyes fixed steadily on Craig now, “Should not you be hanging on my every word?”
Craig paused at the words, the unthinking combination sending a small jolt through him.
“My Prince?” He asked carefully, placing the slightest emphasis on ‘my’. He inhaled slowly with some difficulty; the one simple word seemed to constrict his chest so that it pained him to draw in a deep breath.
“Craig…” The message was clear in the single word, the warning not to continue.
“What?” The single word was innocently voiced though it fooled neither man. They both knew what was pushed back just from view, what could be at stake all of a sudden. It could not escape the notice of either man how things could change at this moment, and Craig wasn’t sure how he felt about that yet, too surprised by what had just occurred to him now to be able to contemplate anything further.
“Don’t.” The one word was all that Karl said, his eyes losing that jesting look they had held only moments before, taking on a darker, more serious quality. Craig was surprised at the suddenness of the change, the flawless switch from one mood to the other without a second thought.
“Why not?”
“Because I do not want to hear it,” Karl said simply. “I know what it is that…” his voice trailed off for a moment before he added, “I will not hear it.” His voice low, the pleading note in it taking away any edge the words may have had. “I cannot say it back. Do not expect that of me.”
“I do not understand,” Craig said slowly, his brow lightly furrowed, “How can you say with such conviction that you would never say them back?” The sudden heaviness that pervaded the room seemed to press in on him all the more for its unexpected appearance.
Karl seemed to sense the unvoiced question behind Craig’s words. Do you mean it is me that you cannot say these words to?
“I know myself,” the Prince replied, a hint of irritation in his voice, an easy defense to Craig’s wide blue eyes that asked so much of him he could not give. “I know how I feel. And I do not feel that.”
“For anyone?” Craig asked in disbelief. Surely he could not mean that he did not love anyone? That thought was much worse in Craig’s mind than the idea that it could simply be him.
“There are two people for whom I feel that,” Karl said and Craig noticed that he did not say love, merely ‘that’ as if he thought the word would leave a bad taste in his mouth.
“And who are they?” His voice did not ring with jealousy as Karl had expected, the possessiveness that came with such emotion, just a note in his voice that reminded Karl of sadness.
“My father,” Karl said, his voice etched with a pain that Craig did not understand. He had heard very little about the King and could not understand why it was that Karl spoke of him with such…bitterness.
“And the other?”
“David.”
That certainly did take Craig by surprise. “David?”
“I have known him longer than you realize, since we were but children.” Karl returned softly. “And yes, I do love him. I have known him too long and been through too much with him there to feel any other way, Craig.”
Craig blinked at the words, feeling the unintended sting in them. He sat in silence for a moment, before he tentatively asked, “What about your mother? Does she not have your love?” He had not heard tale of Karl’s mother and thought it odd that not one word of her was spoken. He wondered for a moment at the sudden tightness in Karl’s expression, regretting the effect his words had wrought if not the words themselves.
“No, I do not love my mother.” Each word was hard, sharp edged, dropping from Karl’s lips like poison.
Craig blinked in surprise at the conviction of the words, the anger in such a controlled man. He wondered briefly how far the control so evident on the surface descended, just how much it veiled. At the center of this man, surely there could be no such thing, no thought of control, no idea of that restraint. He was too sure of his mind and of himself to be so in control. Yet somehow in the reverse journey he managed to mute them all so effectively. But not this.
“What-“ He began but was cut off by Karl before he had a chance to finish.
“I will not speak of her. Such a woman does not bear the worth of remembrance.”
Craig’s eyebrows rose at the words, wondering what she could have done to inspire such loathing.
“I do not wish to speak of this any longer,” Karl said before Craig could think of a reply. His tone now lost all its venom and simply sounded tired.
“I am sorry,” Craig said then. He did not say why he was sorry or what he was sorry for. He knew though that Karl understood.
Karl nodded to him and to Craig’s surprise, he reached out to him, pulling Craig close against his body then, not speaking and not moving, but just held him there. Craig relaxed into the embrace knowing that if he spoke now he could do more damage than anything else despite his wishes to the contrary. If this was all he could do, he would have to content himself with that. For now it would suffice.
* * *
Craig glanced over at David as they worked, the iron gray of the sky outside darkening the room though it was only early afternoon. Karl’s words had been running through his mind for the remainder of the night before. David must have noticed that he was distracted as well.
“Is something bothering you?” He asked, looking over at Craig with a concerned expression.
“It-it’s nothing,” Craig said quickly, half of him not wishing to bother David, the other half remembering Karl’s words and wondering if the Prince would be angry if Craig spoke of this to David.
“It does not look as though it were nothing,” David said carefully, studying Craig’s pale face. He looked as though he had not slept at all the night before.
“I spoke with Karl last night,” Craig started slowly.
David did not seem surprised by the words, simply waited expectantly, setting his work aside as he turned his full attention to Craig, wondering what would come next.
“I asked him about his mother.”
David’s eyes went wide as he looked at Craig. “You did? And?”
“He would not speak of her.”
“I am not surprised,” David said slowly, reaching out a hand to gently rest on top of Craig’s, the light touch helping to erode the edge of Craig’s worry though it left most of it intact.
Craig studied the other man for a moment, wondering how much of the tale he knew.
“Why does he bear such anger towards her?” He finally asked, bright blue eyes searching grey-blue eyes for an answer.
David shook his head slowly, “So many reasons. I do not think it is my place to tell you this.”
“David, please. He will not speak of it to me. I wish to know what she could have done to hurt him so. I wish to know…” His voice faltered for a moment before he finally added, “I wish to know what she has done to lose his love.”
David watched him for several moments, his expression tense. “He does not love easily,” he finally said, eyes moving away to the stack of books before them.
“That I have gathered,” Craig said dryly, attempting to shrug off his tension as he looked down at his work before his eyes slid back to David. “Why? I don’t…I don’t understand.”
David sighed deeply before he continued. “I will tell you, but not a word of this shall you breathe to him. He will not wish me to tell you but I do think you have a right to know.”
Craig nodded, leaning forward slightly as he waited for David to continue.
“It happened not too long after Karl and I met,” he started, his voice low, eyes darting to the doorway for a moment. “You see, the King was always madly in love with Karl’s mother. Infatuated some say. There is naught that that man would not have done for her had he thought it would please her. He would have crossed hot coals without flinching to win her favor.” He paused for a moment as if formulating his words before he continued.
“The Queen, Ashena was her name; she was always a distant woman, cool and remote. I met her naught but a few times and always was she proud and haughty. She never gave to Alexius the love he had for her. And Karl…how he loved her,” David’s voice softened with these words, recalling Karl in his childhood years, the devotion he had to his mother. “Those two worshipped the ground she walked on, in their eyes she could do no wrong.”
“What happened?” Craig asked, his eyes fixed on David.
“She left. One day they simply found her gone. The King was certain that she had been kidnapped, too blinded by his love to see the truth. But Karl knew, somehow, young as he was, he knew. At first he believed what his father did, that she had been taken away.” David’s eyes seemed to be looking at something that Craig would not see, a distant recollection reenacting itself before his eyes. “I will never forget the day when he realized that she had left them. There was a look in his eyes that chilled me to the bone. He swore that he would never love another person, that he would never leave himself open to that again. And he kept his word.”
Craig sat in silence for several minutes, trying to absorb what David had told him, the pain so evident in his words. Turning to David, he watched his friend for a few moments before he spoke again.
“And his father? What happened to him?”
“Alexius,” David sighed as he spoke the one word. “How adamantly he refused to believe them when they said that Ashena, his love, had abandoned him. It broke his heart the day he admitted it, what went through his mind I do not know. Karl has never spoken of that to me, but I know that to see his father so weakened was hard for him. To this day the King rarely speaks, his mind does not work as it should. There are days he does not know where he is, does not remember who Karl is. Ashena took so much more with her when she left than she knows, I am sure.”
* * *
The night sky was dark outside Craig’s window, but he did not notice. He sat watching Karl, his fingers tracing a slow design on the back of Karl’s hand though he was not even aware of the fact.
Karl watched Craig, the distracted air of the other man making him wonder what it was that occupied his mind.
“Craig?”
Craig looked up at him then and his blue eyes were serious. He opened his mouth to speak, pausing for a moment before he looked down once more.
“What is it?” Karl asked, leaning down, trying to decipher what it was that was upsetting the other man.
Craig looked up then, his eyes meeting Karl’s. They were what made him say it. That look in his eyes that reminded him of other places, other times, the one that made him think of another Karl.
“I-I love you.”
The words were out before Craig could even stop them. He immediately wanted to look down at the floor, look anywhere but into those eyes now but they held his own, held him captive without Karl even touching him.
“I’m sorry…I…” Craig tried to think of some excuse, some way to push this aside, but couldn’t. He had always been taught not to be ashamed of his emotions. ‘Never apologize for loving someone.’ How many times he had heard that as a child? He could not even keep count. ‘Love is the greatest gift you can give someone.’ He had always thought it was a silly sentimental belief of his mother’s, but he realized now that he could not find it in himself to apologize for those words. He did not know how.
“Do not be sorry.”
Craig found that once he looked away he could not quite bring himself to look into those eyes now. He could not bear to see the look in them at his words. He knew somehow that he would not find there what he needed, what he wanted.
Karl took his Craig’s chin in his hands, making the other man look at him.
“I mean that, Craig. I envy you.”
The words made Craig’s eyes go wide with surprise, the effect making Karl laugh.
“You what?”
“You. I envy you. The ease with which you can give your love. It’s a gift, Craig.”
Craig studied Karl as he spoke, his brow furrowed. The weight of the words was surprising and yet comforting.
Karl leaned forward and kissed him them, a soft kiss that pushed anything Craig had been thinking of saying response from his mind, left just the imprint of Karl in his mind. Karl let his forehead rest against Craig’s then, so close together that Craig’s eyes looked blurred to him.
He leaned back just enough that he could see the other man clearly before he spoke again and his voice was soft now, matching the feel of his hand on Craig’s face.
“I want you to have me.”
The words seemed to make Craig’s heart stand still, sending the world around him to a crashing halt for a split second.
“You mean that you wish for me to…”
Karl nodded slowly, his eyes still on Craig as though that was all that existed for him. “I want you to have me,” he repeated softly.
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