My Journal.

This is a new section, an after-thought of sorts, where I'm going to babble on about my life, my...trials and their rewards...

August 22nd 1998
Dear Journal,

A quiet depression has set over me, this summer has been one of abrupt endings, painful 'lasts' and goodbyes... Were can I even begin? Perhaps with the issue which cried me to sleep last night; Gramma and Grandpa. Why did he have to be unfaithful? Why couldn't he be like every other grandpa in the universe? He's never been a grandpa, now that I think about it. Never done the things grandpa's do. I think that maybe he's an alcoholic, but no one else wants to admit that. And the affairs...was that a result of the drinking? Did he think he could get away with it? Did he think that he was an exception from the entire human race, and that the code of common sense did not apply to him? And so now Gramma has to sell the house. Because after this divorce, I'm told she can't afford to keep it, and live happily. And what then? No more Calithumpian. No more swimming, no more Christmas dinners, no more going into the 'chip cupboard', or running downstairs to grab a pop. I don't think I can let all of that go...can anyone really? Does anyone want to? Mom says Gramma could comfortably afford to keep the place, but she's selling it because Grandpa refuses to move out, and her asshole of a lawyer isn't doing anything to finalize this divorce. So she wants him out of her life... Do I want him out of my life? I don't want to say goodbye to that house...there is no way...I can't see her living anywhere else, I can't see Christmas' and Birthdays' anywhere else...

What else is making me depressed this summer? Perhaps the fact that it could have been the last year at Sauble Beach, and I also don't want to say goodbye to that. Why, though? As long as the family is together, should I care were we vacation? Maybe its the fact that if we go out West next summer, I won't get to spend a week with Ryan, or Jay, or Twig...all brothers, all hopelessly older than me...but I have fun with them, Ryan is a big brother of sorts... And Jay...what is he to me? I cannot delve into that now. Its too painful because I become attached too quickly...

And all of this has made me forget one of my most pressing concerns, one that has plagued me since I realized I was a romantic. Will I ever find 'Mr.Right'? Or is he hiding in the shadows, with all of the answers to my problems, playing a trick on me? Does he mock me each time he see's that I think I've found him? Each time I cry over love songs, and poems, and movies, and stories, is he there, whispering words I cannot hear? Its all very frustrating, you know. To see that everyone else is happily in love, and then to look at my own, pathetic list of loves. More pathetic than my life, even. So I'll leave you now, on that depressing note...until next time...