Here are two letters that I have written. I surf websites forpeople in show biz and send them ridiculous letters to see if I can geta response. I have plenty but here are two, maybe you will like.

Hey Ali, congratulations on the good looks. Also I want to send out a hearty good luck on the marriage. Man, marriage nowadays, it's a crazy situation. Did you know the divorce rate in America is over 50%? I myself am not married (I suspect lack of dates is the cause), but I'm not worried. I am still a young and sprite whippersnapper that can tantalize the ladies with a curiously sharp wit and a stinging style of jocularity. I wish to be married soon (before my 17th birthday or before I am completely bald). Yeah I guess I should tell you that I have been gradually going bald since the age of seven. At first I could just play it off as "multing," but soon the kids caught on. They like to call me names and it hurts! They like to call me "Mr. Moorehead" because I have more head than hair. I don't think that is very nice, do you?

I wish that the girls would look deep down inside my head and heart to realize that I am more than just a bald sixteen-year old. I am a person; besides, I have enough hair on my back and stomach to make up for the follicle depravity occurring on my scalp.

I had a date with this girl, Meredith. I don't want to be mean and I also know that I am in no position to complain but they call her "Booger." I, and my viscously bald head, blew it off and figured it was just the kids treating a nice young girl, who may have had a small snot problem, poorly. Ali, I really really really like this girl BUT! (Isn't there always a but) But, she is called booger, not because of any mucous problems; she is called booger because she is kind of green and a little sticky. Any loose flying paraphernalia always seems to head right for her. It's pretty much a guarantee if it makes contact it will stick.

She is a really good sport about it. We even made up a neat game where I threw different objects at her to see if they stuck. I got my shoe (which scored big points) on the third try. I must say that I am thinking of calling the whole thing off. The kids started calling her "Guacamole." I don't think I can go out with a sticky girl called "Guacamole" even if I am grossly underdeveloped in cranial forestation. Do you think that I am shallow for it? If you were green and sticky would you go out with a 16-year-old bald kid who has had only one date?

Once again congratulations on the good looks and keep up the good work!

Bye Ali,

The Baldest and Loneliest 16 year old on Earth

 Letter #2

 Heather,

When I came across your website, I just had to write in and say "Va-Va-Va-Va Voom!" Way to go on the good looks! Anyway, other than that not much is new with me. I'm just sitting here pondering the meaning of life, love, the good, the bad, the ugly, jimmies vs. sprinkles, Je ne sais quois and time travel. I'm pondering a new and more efficient design for my Rolodex. I'm thinking about fiscal calamities and provincial territories. I'm thinking of kings, queens, princes and paupers alike. I'm wondering why, I'm wondering how, and you damn well know I'm wondering huh. I was wondering if fish didn't have scales, would they still be able to "do that dance, da da do that dance." I was wondering if people were actually tiny dinosaurs or large ants. I was contemplating the inverse relationship between reduced interest rates and increased global temperature. I was wondering if gravity was called buoyancy, would we bounce when we walked. I was thinking about all of the bridges I've burned, I was thinking about those few bridges that I've burned and then bombed and I was thinking of that one bridge that I dismantled piece by piece, chopped into toothpick size pieces, doused in acid, loaded into a rocket and sent into space. I was thinking that I need a new walk, mine is slightly outdated. I was thinking that if blood was ink, then we could write with our fingers. I was thinking that food is good food. I was wondering if Q and U were gay. I was wondering why dictionaries come in different sizes. Shouldn't there be one standard issue dictionary? I was thinking of how arrogant the word government is. "Yeah, not only are we bossing you around, but we're making no bones about it!" I was wondering why there is a magazine about the advertising industry and I was wondering who is advertising in it. I was philosophizing on the art of relaxation. My philosophy is "Breath in, breath out." I was wondering whether liquorice was just low grade plastic. I was wondering why we compare apples to apples and oranges to oranges. It seems pointless to me. I was trying to fool myself into believing that I was not here. I was also trying to fool myself into believing I was a 6'5" black woman with a weave. I was wondering if they can read palms, then why can't they read bottom of the feet. I was wondering if using the word "hither" makes me sound intelligent. I was listening to myself listen to myself. I was also watching myself out of the corner of my eye. I was wondering what the consequences of whiting out the word delete would be. I was wishing that my knee joints were of the ball and socket variety. My front kicks would be devastating. I was practicing the art of spontaneity. I was trying to decide if Orpheous Roy was a name I made up in my head or if he is a real person. I was penning my name and naming my pen, Ron. And most of all I was assuming my assumptions.

Well, Heather, have a nice day. Congratulations on the good looks.