The Hunt for the Cobourg Mystery Man

Ok cobourgians here's the scoop. Closet Monster asking for a world wide...well...a cobourg wide search for a mysterious cobourgian fellow who left a message on London's machine about a show he was lookin to put on. Clues so far: 1) We beleive he is a promoter. Usually does clubs. 2) he could of been the sound dude at the West show. 3) He might not have a phone number. Well he probably does but he forgot to leave it with London.If anyone can help us out or if the mystery man is reading this now EMAIL us please. Thanx.

March 28th/2000

Well, it's been more than a long time since I've updated the news so once again you must prepare yourselves for bad sentence structure and poor use of punctuation. Well, first of all we'd just like to clear some things up about the chameleon show (this information is long overdue). 1) We wanted to charge five bucks for the show as we believe no punk show should cost more than five bucks. Unfortunately, Peter was pushing for seven but luckily London was eventually able to haggle him down to six by letting him take $5 per head (leaving a whopping $1 left over for paying the bands for such things as gas). We'd also like to mention the fact that when it came down to it, Peter took all of the money and we were unable to even give Doug or the Stiffs money for gas (many apologies to the bands), let alone pay for the cost of flyers. If you were at the show you may have heard Peter get up on stage and say that it was the first of many punks shows instead of it being the last (obviously the money collected at the door loosened up his attitude a bit, because London had a hell of a time trying to get him to even do a punk show in the first place). 2) We were blamed for all the shit that happened. Obviously some people are unable to grasp the fact that it's difficult to phone 911 and spray paint walls while you're on stage playing a set, but hey, we just got threatened and yelled at alot... nothing new. 3) It said right on the flyer that if y'all still wanted shows, we had to be reasonable. Don't tell us we 'killed the scene' because we weren't the ones who phoned 911 or dropped poor billy on his head. Any comments about how it's our fault will be met with a laugh and a swift middle finger pointed straight in your direction. But enough about that ugliness, because to be perfectly blunt thinking and talking about that show leaves me with a sour feeling. So yeah, moving right along. London is still booking mad shows and attempting to become one with both the phone and the internet, so why don't y'all help to save his sanity and send us an email that says you want to either throw closet monster on the bill of an existing show or put on a show where you live. Any support is greatly appreciated. Ummm yeah. I still don't have the info for all the shows coming up, but rest assured that when I finally get the list, it's gonna be a long freaking update that I'm gonna hate doing but you're going to love seeing. It's looking like the band will be setting out on an eastern tour sometime in the area of may 6th-ish, but nothing is set in stone so don't attempt to crucify me if i'm wrong. I removed the links for the movie and the article until I can figure out why it screws up on some people's hideous mind melting devices... I mean, uhhhh, computers. My mind is turning to mush. Is anyone aware that the definition of 'punk' in the dictionary is 1) a young inexperienced person or petty hoodlum 2) very poor or inferior 3) dry crumbly wood useful for tinder or a substance made from fungi for use as tinder. Personally, I think the wood thing is most accurate. Heh. I suppose I should also mention the fact that I (M.C.) have decided to leave the band because of reasons that I'm just not going to get into since I just don't like babbling about myself and it's not like anyone should really give a crap in the first place (the majority of the people reading this probably didn't know there was a new guy anyway). I'd just like to say that it's for the greater good of the band (not stupid, ridiculous reasons) and that there's no interesting soap opera going on (we're all still cool). So yeah, thanks to all the people who put up with me... I'll probably still be around at shows and I'm still going to do the news, so be afraid (or annoyed, either works well for me). I don't think there's anything else to report at this point in time, so I'll wave bye bye and close with these words of wisdom: Be nice to small furry creatures because one day they may mutate into large, super-intelligent beings who have memories like steel traps and can easily kick your pathetic human ass. Then we'll see who makes a good coat, eh? muahahhahahahahahahah hah ha heh heh ho hee huh hee ho... hrm... *sigh*

March 17th/2000

So here we are again, news news news. Our new shit is recorded, expect to see the new disc out sometime in May. Hrmmm... the chameleon show... Looks like you've all fucked yourselves (you know who you are, I don't need to point you out), hope you enjoy 'rave' music and sub-par djs because that's all you'll see at the chameleon from now on; judging by the events that took place that night. At least people just take large amounts of drugs at raves and dance around instead of dropping their friends on their heads (shout out to billy, hope he's ok... for the idiots who dropped him, grow the fuck up already). At any rate, we had fun playing despite the weirdness and the band would like to thank Doug, the Stiffs (way to get naked, rob), and all of our friends who came out from far and wide with a positive vibe. Cheers. Moving right along, London is still spending just about every waking minute booking shows and preparing for tour, so I'll make sure to keep feeding the dates as I get them. Blah blah blah blah blah. Yakkety shmakety. Ummm... I think the new webpage will be done soon... everyone be sure to yell at Jesse whenever you see him. Goats can swig mad brews. Oh yeah, check out this kick ass video for Uniqualist Me directed for us by our good friend Goat Puke. I'm done typing.

March 10th/2000

I've only got a few things to say in this addition to the news... The Cobourg show last night at the West was insane, we all lost our minds and I ended up smashing my guitar. Many thanks to all the bands and people who showed up, Mr.O for holding down the fort, Mr.Skalaric for sacrificing his body in the name of good video footage, Matt Exit for bringing us pictures, the kid with the yellow hat for giving me the pick-ups from my guitar, and everyone who we hung out with afterwards. Tomorrow (saturday) we go into the studio to begin recording our new cd that will be called "Where the Fuck is the Revolution?!?". It's going to be a bit different, around 6 songs, but definitely not one of those cop-out cds that are quickly made and suck. Not to worry, we totally ARE NOT ripping off nofx with a 20 minute long song on a disc. There are also going to be a few guest artists on the cd who you may recognize from around Toronto (ooooo, mysterious!). On a more serious note, the media is finally paying attention to the Clayton Miller case, click here for an article and be sure to learn more through our links section. Fight the power. Anyway, I'm leaving this horribly computer for now and going to get food. Eat eat eat. Consume consume consume. You can get the rest of the news if you drink my brain out of my head with a straw.

March 9th/2000

well... some quick brief and good news all around. AJAX show AJAX show AJAX show!!!!! come one come all! Randy shows on the 16 and 17 of April: for those of you who do not know... Randy is a G-7 recording artist from Sweeden. We will be in the studio this Sat with a few guest artists to help out. The show with the Ataris is on the Sat as well so we are not sure what we are going to do... its all screwed up. uhhh... the cobourg show is in four hours. we will update the madness. And their is rumor going around about something dealing with Closet Monster and South Africa. ???? More word on that as things progress. Until next time folks. And remember: ahhh fuck it, remember nothing. Live in chaos and confusion.

March 5th/2000

I am the magical god of Za! You must cower before me as I spew news in your general direction! Changes in the show section, check it out. We did a pre-recording on Jesse's 4-track today and gosh darnit, I think the new disc is gonna be great. I'm warm and oozing with three wonderful kinds of cheese and other tasty sauces. Something that is becoming constant in the news, I've been instructed to give a big ol' shout out to Carol and Christeen from Frances Moon Productions. They put on crazy shows for all sorts of great bands (Gob, Flashlight, The Planet Smashers, Randy, and more!) and they also take care of some booking for us and the stiffs! They're really great so even though they hate me you should check them out (look to our links) because they'll do great things for your band! Moving right along, I'd like to mention that one of the Another Joe shows has been altered... It will now include Union 13 and SNFU! We also have an Ajax show coming up that will be at the chameleon with band TBA (one of the members of TOE will be in Florida that day so they can't play). Ummm... yeah. It's a love affair, mainly between Jesus and my car.

March 2nd/2000

Once again I bring you death and corruption in the form of html! Ok, so I bring you the news... Humour me, my life is very pathetic. In less than ten days we'll be in the studio, preparation for the new disc is well under way. Many many many more great shows to be announced, but I still have very little info for any of them... Like I've said before, I'll keep y'all posted. Oh yeah, a big shout out to Lil'Dude in BC for helping the band by selling merch and supporting the cause! Anyone else interested in being a field monster can email us, simple as that. Hrmmm... we have a bunch of new songs, Jesse bought a new guitar, London bought a new bass, Kyle bought a new crash, I blew up my marshal head and I'm poor as ass. Plans for tour are coming along nicely, London spends most of his time holed up in his room booking these days. I haven't seen him for 3 weeks. I think he's chewed off his own arm he was so hungry... I could be wrong, though. I'm really damn tired so I'll update again soon if I think of anything else interesting to tell people. I remember when I used to be creative. *sigh*

Feb 28th/2000

Well well well. So you've come crawling back, eh? Well I reward you with news for your squishy minds! First of all the band would just like to give a mad shout out and respect to the Cobourg and Belleville crews, the shows were nuts, people were really nice, and we had oodles o' satanic fun hurting ourselves on stage for your viewing pleasure! Ummm... lemme see... Oh yeah, the Ataris show in Guelph has been moved to the 10th, so make note. Many more shows for y'all to know about, I'll feed your brains when I get more info. That reminds me, TOUR DATES ARE BEING BOOKED AS YOU READ THIS!!! We shall be EVERYWHERE this summer, so ANYONE interested in putting on a show or tossing us on an already existing show should email us! Now! Without any further hesitation! Well, ok... finish reading the news first. Anyone remember me mentioning a new release? Well we're going back to terrorize Mr. Simon Head (be sure to check out his band, DOUG, simply because they're really good and far punker than thou) in early march so keep yer eyes and ears open for more info on that. I hope everyone is aware that a man was stoned to death by thirsty monkeys in africa a little while ago. Everyone laughed at me, but who's laughing now, eh?!?! Certainly not the guy who got bludgeoned to death with big freaking rocks by an angry gang of thirsty monkeys. True story. This is taking a really long time to do, small children throwing things at my head is very bad for trains of thought. If they weren't so damn cute I'd tear off their little heads and feed them to my devil spawn of a dog. Heh. Yeah. Hey, put that down! Crayons are not for eating! Dammnit, I gotta go. I'll ramble like an idiot again very soon. Peace.

Feb 16th/2000

The saga continues... Long time no update eh? Well, before you crucify or bludgeon me to death with big ol' rocks, be pacified by oodles of band babble! First, I'd like to say thanks to all that came out to the Who's Emma show, we had a blast and after people were done fighting during our first song everything went smoothly. The show at the millenium was also great fun to play (even though it turned out to be a SPORTS BAR), and things got a bit hectic with the bouncers and such since we all went a bit nuts and Jess decided to stir the pot even further by swigging beer and removing his clothing. I guess thats what happens when you give us a smoke machine and fancy lights... We LOSE IT! SNAP! OVERREACT! ummm.....yeah. Anyway, lots of new shows coming up(keep checking for updates), alot of dates with Another Joe (sorry about the lack of locations, i'll post em when i get em!) and we're trying to hook up more shows with The End and Racer. I'll keep y'all notified. Next up, NEW MERCH! Yes folks, we have finally gotten off our asses and produced some new stuff. T-shirts and Hoodies with the new design will be on sale starting the 19th! Ummm... lemme see... The new songs seem to be getting a good response... Of the two shows we've played them at there's been fights and bouncer mayhem... So we're doing more prep work for the new disc. It's probably going to be a five or six song single type thing, but we'll see. I'm sick of typing right now, so I'll feed all of your twisted minds with more information later! Oh wait, one more thing. We recently received an email from someone calling him or herself 'opivy'. This person graciously informed us that if we stopped "whining and preaching" about animal rights we might get 30 to 40 more people coming to our shows. A whole 30-40 more people!?!? WOWEE!!! Now that I know that I'll be sure to consume a life every chance I get! Actually, we like getting email like this; it gives us motivation to continue "whining and preaching" about animal rights and it proves to us that some of you are hearing what we have to say and are thinking about an issue that you would normally ignore. As for 'opivy's suggestion that we discontinue our "whining and preaching" so that we can draw 30-40 more local kids to our shows, I have this to say. How about I give you the finger, and you make some sort of effort to remove your head from your ass. That is all.

Feb 7th/2000

Well well well. It seems that once again the time has come for me to spew information for everyone so here goes. Remember the promise of new t-shirts? Hopefully we'll have them by this friday (the 11th@Who's Emma)... if not, tough crap. At any rate, we have 30 new shirts with a new design (look out mom and dad!) so keep your head up and eyes open. In other news, some possible Another Joe dates are in the works, I'll keep all of you (except you! yeah you, with the ridiculous hat... who's laughing now, hat boy?!?! ummm...yeah) informed. I believe thats all the knowledge I have stored in my walnut sized brain right now, so feel sorry for my pathetic verbal wanderings! Till next time, I want those of you who are still in highschool to question your teachers and what they're really trying to accomplish. Students are not product!

Feb 2nd/2000

More shows, more fame, more fortune! Ok, ya caught me... more shows, no fame and/or fortune. You know where to look for the info on those by now. Santa Claus is not real. I can't stress this enough, people. I'm going to go and make an attempt at chewing off my own face now.

Jan 31st/2000

Well, I have managed to escape the wolves. So hey, what better way of celebrating my still beating heart than by giving you guys more information about the latest happenings. First, the shows are updated, lots of shit coming up so as I have a tendency to always say, keep checking that shit out. Next, plans for a new cd are already in the works... we have some crazy new shit, we expect that a few of you will probably hate us, but hey, we like it so don't fear the change. Moving right along, were you aware that one of Rene Descartes early theories is that monkeys and apes actually do have the ability to speak, but maintain their silence so as to avoid being put to work. Damn, those monkeys are brilliant. I just wish they would stop attempting to lick my brain. Anyway, time for my medication. Oh yeah, and there actually is one more thing this time... as you may already have noticed, I (unlike my lazy guitar counterpart) update very often, so keep checking in! Spoon.

Jan 28th/2000

I'm cold and there are wolves after me.

That is all.

Jan 27th/2000

Uhhh, I'm happy to say that my dog will no longer be doing any page updates, there was a conflict of interests happening and it turns out that KJ was just in it for the dog food. What a sellout. Anyway, The shows are updated and Jesse has informed me that the new monster page is nearing completion! It's really top-secret... well, I think it's really top-secret... I haven't seen it yet... but of course I'm always the last one to find out about anything... strange that I'm in charge of updating the news. Oh yeah, the Shows have been updated, more on the way. London's cat's breath smells like cat food. Ms Hoover, I ate my red crayon. Dammnit, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, so some shit is updated, check it out. One more thing... Sucker! Made ya think there was one more thing! Keep checking in for detailed information about teabags!

Jan 26th/2000

Hello everyone, M.C.'s mangled finger was feeling a bit sore so he asked me (his emotionally dysfunctional dog, KJ) to inform you of the closet monster news. Well, there are a ton of shows coming up in February and M.C. has told me to tell you guys that he'll keep posting the info as he gets it (so keep an eye on the show dates!). YES, ALL THE RUMORS ARE TRUE, atleast one of these dates is with THE END and some other crazy hardcore bands @ Who's Emma on the 11th! Be sure to check that shit out, believe the hype, it's gonna be great! Other news worthy of mention is new t-shirt/sweatshirt designs in the works... be afraid, be very afraid. Ummm... woof? I'm trying to remember the other things that M.C. wanted me to mention... but I'm afraid you'll have to forgive me, I'm not a very bright dog. I think I'll go chew up his headphones and piss on his floor now. Stay tuned, oh beloved CM empire!

Jan 19th/2000

Finally! Some good news to the legions! After many months of searching high and low (mostly high, but you didn't hear that from me) we have purchased a van! And before we're flooded with the question of 'how much was it?' I will make the following official statement: "It cost us roughly 5 months of precious band time and emotional instability!"(not to mention the constant ill-health/injuries/gear trouble we've been having). But Hoorah, thats all over, and of course, since we now have a van, we can once again play shows! So anyone interested in putting on a show or hooking us up with one can reach us through email! I've also gotten the date and location of the seemingly top-secret Cobourg show, which i've posted on the show listings. Many thanks to the J man for hooking me up with the legit info! Now I've rambled for long enough, so stay tuned for more happenings!

Jan 9th/2000

A lot of crazy shit has been goin on people...you wanna know about it? Read MC's message on the board. Nuff said.

Nov 23nd/99

Well, we are finally gettin shit together. We been practicing latly (well not this week cause we're all sick). We played an amazing show in Cobourg just recently. A big thanx to all of those who came out. The crowd was awesome. Well, not much more to say.