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Donzo's Joke Page # 2
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--- Betty was pregnant with her first child, so she went to see an obstetrician. When the exam was over, she started to say, "My husband wants me to ask you," The doctor cut her off, saying "I get asked that all the time. You can keep doing it as long as you want, until late in the pregnancy." Later, at home, Betty's husband asks, "Well, what did the doctor say?" Betty said, "Oh, honey, it'll be all right. The doctor said, I can still mow the lawn." --- Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated." The doctor says, "Look, I don't know what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation." Fred replies, "Doc, I just want to be castrated and I'm a little embarrassed talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it?" The doctor says, "Well, okay, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but all right." Fred wakes up and asks, "Well, Doc, how'd it go?" "It went just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that too. It's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind." "Circumcised!" yells Fred. "That's the word!" --- Daddy wanted his daughter to get married, so he thought he would give her date some tips. "Do you like to screw?" he asked. "Huh," said the surprised young man. "My daughter she loves to screw, and she's good at it, so you and her should go screw," said Daddy. Now very interested the young man said, "Yes sir." The girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye, and they left. A few minutes later she came running back in, very angry, with her dress torn, hair all messed up, and screamed "DADDY, it's the TWIST, get it straight please."  
--- Did you hear about the postman, who was on his rounds, when a lady invited him in? She made him breakfast, and then asked if he wanted to go to bed with her, so he did. He realized it was time to finish his rounds, so he had to go. The lady insisted on giving him a dollar. He asked, " What is this for?" She said, " Well, Christmas is coming, and I told my husband, I wanted to do something for the postman. My husband said, "Screw the postman. Give him a dollar." But, the breakfast was my idea." --- A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "I hurt all over," said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor. The woman touched her right knee with her index finger, and yelled, "Ouch, that hurts." Then she touched her cheek, and yelled, "Ouch, that hurts too." Then she touched her earlobe. "Ouch, even that hurts," she said. The doctor looked at her for a moment, and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Yes," she said. "I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a broken finger." 
--- Two dwarfs pick up two prostitutes, and then get two hotel rooms. The first dwarf tries all night to get an erection, and all he can hear from the next room is, "One, two, three, huh!" and this goes on all night. The next morning, the second dwarf asks, "So, how did it go?" The first dwarf says, " I couldn't get an erection. How was your night?" The second dwarf says, "Even worse, I couldn't even get on the bed." --- A cavalry batallion was just assigned a new Sargeant. He was going to whip the men and everything else into shape. He gives orders to clean up the base. Right before he leaves he sees this old horse and says,"For god sakes,get rid of that old horse." Later that night a Private comes to see the Sargeant and pleads his case. "Sarge, sure that horse is old, but there are no women around here and that old horse is the only thing we got." He gives in and allows them to keep the horse. A few weeks later the Sarge is gettin the old itch, so he decides he's gonna give it a shot. He says "Private, prepare the horse." He grabs a stool, gets up on it, and has his way with the horse. When he finishes he says,"So Private, is that the way you men do it ?" The Private responds,"Well Sir, we usually ride into town to meet the women." --- Newfie Ray goes into the chainsaw store, and tells the owner he wants a saw that will cut 10 tree's an hour. The next day he goes back into the same store, and tells the owner that he took all day to cut one tree. So the service department looked at it, and then started it. Newfie Ray jumps back and says,"what's that noise?" --- So, this guy goes into a pub, orders a drink, notices it's a bit quiet, and sees a piano in the corner. He says to the owner, "would you like some music?" The owner says," o.k." So he pulls this little man out of his pocket, sits him at the piano, and the whole pub is treated to two hours of great music. The owner asked," where did you get that little man?", The guy said," I got him as a result of a wish, from my fairy godmother, but the old bat must have been deaf, because I didn't want a 12 inch pianist. --- The English have a love affair with all types of hunting. One morning, a hunter was shooting at a grouse, in a pile of brush. Suddenly, an angry man appeared, and said "Cheerio old chap, you almost shot my wife." The hunter said, "So sorry mate. Here, have a go at mine, she's over there." --- A man goes into a drug store, and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist reached out and slapped the man's face. "What did you do that for?" asked the man. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?" The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does." 
--- A man on a long flight needed to use the restroom, but the mens room was busy so he used the womens, because he just couldn't wait any longer. The flight attendant said it was o.k., but do not press any of the ons. ons were marked,WW, WA, PP, and ATR. He tryed them anyway. When he pushed WW, warm water sprayed his butt. He thought these gals have it made. Then he pushed WA, and warm air dried his butt. Next was PP, and it powdered his butt. Then came the last button marked ATR. He pushed it. When he woke up in the hospital, he rang for the nurse. When she came in, he said, "what happened? The last thing I remember, I was sitting on the ladies throne, and I pushed ATR." "Yes," said the nurse, " That stands for Automatic Tampon Remover, and by the way it is under your pillow." --- A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, " I'm going to a costume party, and I want to go as Adam." The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, " Not big enough." She brings out a bigger one. He says, " Still not big enough." She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, " Still not big enough." She says, " Hey big guy, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder, and go as a gasoline pump?" --- Mrs. Jones was in tears. "Oh Marie," she said to her maid, "I think that my husband is having an affair, with his secretary." Marie said, "I don't believe it for one minute. You're just saying that to make me jealous." --- Signs that you are too drunk.--- Your job is interfering with your drinking.--- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.--- You can focus better with one eye closed.--- Your twin sons are named Barley, and Hops.--- The whole bar says, "Hi" , when you walk in.--- That damned pink elephant followed you home again. --- Two drunk women were trying to hitch a ride.They didn't have any luck though so they went to sleep in the ditch. When one of them woke up she saw the other out in a field sucking on an old milk cow. She goes over and ask's "What are you doing?" And the other one said,"One of these guys has got to have a car to give us a ride." --- Fred was in the hospital, and near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. Fred's condition got much worse all of a sudden, and he wanted something to write on. The pastor handed him a pen, and a piece of paper. Fred wrote a short note, then he died. The pastor didn't look at the note. At the funeral he said, "Fred handed me a note just before he died." He opened the note and read, " You're standing on my oxygen tube." --- A woman was talking to her hair stylist. "It's silly," she said, "but my daughter has some sort of crazy idea about losing her hair." "What do you mean?" the hair stylist asked. "Well, I overheard her on the phone the other day telling her best friend that she hoped she'd be bald soon," said the woman. --- This guy was taking Viagra (the impotence drug) for the first time. As he was swallowing a whole bunch of them, they got stuck in his throat, and he has had a stiff neck ever since. --- An Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Irishman go in to a bar and they each order a drink. They all sit down at a table and 3 flies come along. One fly lands in each man's drink. The Englishman looks at the fly in his drink and says, "Oh dear, I can't drink that now." The Scotsman looks at the fly, takes it out and says, "Get outta there, you little begger." The Irishman looks at the fly, and turns all red in the face. He picks up the fly, sets it on the rim of the glass and yelled, spit it out. --- Four men were in the hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse said to the first man, "Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins." He said "What a coincidence, I work for the Twins baseball team." The nurse said to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets." He said "Wow, I work for 3M Corp." Then the nurse said to the third man, "And you sir, are the father of quads." He said "Hey, I work at Four Seasons." Everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had fainted. When he was able to speak, he said "I work at 7-Eleven."
--- A guy picked up his 6 year old son Billy after school. He could tell Billy was in a bad mood, as he was mumbling about something. Pretty soon he heard Billy say, "the next time I'll hit him in the nuts." Knowing Billy had picked this up at school, he asked him if he knew where the nuts were. Billy said "no." So he asked Billy how he planned to hit him in the nuts, if he didn't know where they were. Billy said, "I'll just keep hitting him all over, until I hear a crack. Then I'll know I got a nut." --- A mushroom walked into a bar, and said "drinks are on me." The bartender said "why are you buying everybody drinks?" "Because, I'm a Fungi," said the mushroom. --- What has a whole bunch of balls, and screws little old ladies? A bingo machine. --- This guy had a perfect suntan, except for his penis. He went to the beach, undressed, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis. Just then, two old ladies were walking by. When they saw this thing sticking out of the sand, one of them began to move it with her cane. She said to the other little old lady, " there ain't no justice in this world." The other little old lady asked " What do you mean by that?" " Well," she said, " When I was 20 I was curious about it." " When I was 30 I enjoyed it." " When I was 40 I asked for it." " When I was 50 I paid for it." " When I was 60 I prayed for it." " When I was 70 I forgot about it." " And now that I'm 80 the darn things are growing wild, and I'm too old too squat." --- What do breasts and toy trains have in common? They are for little kids, but their fathers like them even more. --- One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer, and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and yelled at the man, " You should be hung !" To which he said, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass." --- A married couple is driving along, when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" Her husband says, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold it's nose." --- What is the difference between a bagpipe, and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop up the bagpipe. --- What did the cannibal say, after he ate the clown? "Boy, that tasted funny." --- A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine, but he burned his tongue, and broke his finger too." --- The world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. Authorities believe that the death was caused by way too much sex, even for a rabbit. Someone had installed the batteries backwards, and he kept coming, and coming, and coming. --- A woman goes to her doctor to see which sex her unborn child will be.The doctor asked her how they had sex to produce their other two children.Then he explained to her that the man was on top for the first and they had a boy.That she was on top for the second and they had a girl.The woman started to cry saying"I'm going to have a puppy." |
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