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Donzo's Joke Page # 9
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--- A father was concerned that his daughter hadn't revealed her heart condition to his future son-in-law. The first chance he had for a private chat, he asked his son-in-law to be, "Michael, are you aware of my daughter's acute angina?" "Sure," Mike responded, "and her tits ain't bad either." --- Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean." Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?" "No," says Monica. "Mustard." --- Mrs. Smith went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her problem she said that she suffered from a discharge. He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the table. Then the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her private parts. After 2 minutes he asked, "How does that feel?" "Great," she said, "but the discharge is from the ear." --- What is the definition of "Making Love"? It's what women do while men screw them. --- Why are all these Barbie's only $20, but Divorce Barbie is $70? Because Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house and car. --- A new nurse listened while Dr. Jones was yelling, "Typhoid. Tetanus. Measles." The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?" The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here." --- Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there is a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "The blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, thinking no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. The blind man says, " Nice tits.!!! Where do you want these blinds?" 
--- Why is it so great to be a test-tube baby? Because you get a womb with a view. --- A lady came out of a supermarket and dropped her package containing one bottle of ketchup and two eggs. A drunk came over and said, "Don't worry, lady. He wouldn't have lived anyway. His eyes are too far apart." --- The new nun goes to her first confession. She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit." The priest says, "That's not so serious, Sister. Say five Hail Marys, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar." --- A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through. Let me through. I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey. --- A rich man aspired to take his $3 million to the grave. He asked his priest, doctor, and attorney to each hold $1 million until his death and to then put the money in his coffin. In due time, the old man passed away. The priest had given the money to the church. The doctor had given his money to the hospital. The attorney was outraged at their breach of trust, as he had put a check in the coffin for the full amount. --- The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail when they decided to take a rest. Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened. "Buffalo come," remarked Tonto. "How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger. Tonto say, "Face sticky." --- Why is the space between a women's tits and hips called a waist? Because you could put another pair of tits there. --- A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook said, "We got $25 between us." The boss yelled, "What? Only $25! We had $100 when we broke in." --- Mrs. Jones, was in her living room, and heard the back door slam. Thinking it was her young son, she called, "I'm in here, darling. I've been waiting for you." Then a strange voice said, "I'm sorry lady, but I ain't your regular milkman." --- A young man reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him, and gave him a broom to sweep out the store. "But I'm a college graduate," the young man said indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, and I'll show you how." --- Did you hear that Clinton went to a hockey game, and was caught with his pants down at center ice? "No Mr. President," the coach said, "they are going to present you with a ceremonial puck." 
--- The police of a small town pulled over a Porsche that was going 80km per hour in a 50km zone. When the man driving the car went in front of the judge to dispute the ticket, he said, " This town must be the asshole of the world." The judge looked at him for a bit, then replied, "And you must be what's passing through." --- How do you make a cat go Woof? Soak with gas and throw a match at it. --- A man, his wife, and their son walk into an ice cream shop. The man said, " I will have chocolate, and a vanilla for my wife." Then he slaps his son in the back of the head, and said, "What do you want fat head?" The clerk asked "Why did you hit him, and call him fat head?" The man said, "There are three things in life a man wants, a nice big truck, a nice big house, and the third thing is a nice tight pussy, and I had all that, until fat head got here." --- Peter and his two friends are talking at work. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed, and they weren't mine." His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed, and it wasn't mine." Peter says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him, and say, "What?". "No I'm serious.The other day I came home, and found a jockey under our bed." --- How do you stop an English war? Yell, tea time. --- Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat, and drink beer all day. --- Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Corruption is a crime. Crime doesn't pay. So if you keep studying, you'll go broke. --- A guy meets up with a genie who grants him 3 wishes. He picks a million dollars, a model, and to be hung like a horse. Then he goes home to see if happens. He ran into the house, and rushed to his bedroom. There was the most beautiful woman in the world. So he called the bank, and asked for his balance. The bank told him he had one million dollars. He unzipped his pants, and started to cry, because he had forgot that he was riding old Nellie. --- How do you cure a sick pig? With oinkment. --- God said, "Wow, I just created a 24 hour period of alternating light and darkness on the Earth." The angel asked, "What are you going to do now?" God said, "Call it a day." --- What does Saddam and his dad have in common? They both didn't withdraw in time. --- The doctor said,"Mrs. Smith, I have to tell you I don't like the looks of your husband." "Neither do I, but he's good to the children," answered Mrs. Smith. --- Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. --- A donkey had an IQ of 180. He had no friends though. Even the animals don't like a smart ass. 
--- "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister," said the boy. "The mother asked, " What made you decide to be a minister?" "Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit still and listen." --- What goes clomp clomp, clomp clomp, clomp clomp, bang, bang, clomp clomp, clomp clomp? An Amish drive by shooting. --- What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt? "You gonna eat that?" --- A few guys go out golfing, and don't get home until after dark. When one of the guys gets home his wife asks why he's late. "Harry had a heart attack at the third hole," said the husband. "Oh, that's terrible," says the wife. "I know," the husband said. "All day it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry." --- Why did Donald ditch Daisy? He got tired of her quack. --- A laywer is speaking to his son about ethics. One day a gentleman comes into my office with a question. After answering the man's question, I charge him $100.00. The man gets his wallet, and gives me a hundred dollar bill. I notice that the man, has in fact, given me two $100.00 bills. The ethical question. Do I share that money with my partner? --- On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf." --- Avoidable. = What a bullfighter tries to do. --- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the naughty girls live. --- How is a pussy like a grapefruit? The best ones squirt when you eat them. --- Parachute for sale. Only used once, never opened, small stain. --- Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls? They're going to call her Old Spice. --- He who laughs last, thinks slowest. ==Bacteria is the only culture some people have. ==You never learn to swear, until you learn to drive. ==A fool and his money are soon partying. ==Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.  
--- Viagra comes in a nasal spray? Yes it's for Dickheads. --- How do you make a cat drink? Put it in a blender, and strain off the fur. --- What do you call a masturbating bull? Beef Stroganoff. --- A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. "Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant." "But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists, and in our colony we practice sex only with our eyes." "Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed." -- How many canaries can you get under a Scotsman's kilt? It depends on how long the perch is. --- A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?" The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club." --- What can a bird do that a man can't? Whistle through its pecker. --- How do you get five hundred cows in a barn? Put up a Bingo sign. --- Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget. --- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. --- How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in. --- Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep." The other woman turned to her and said, "I know. I heard it snoring." --- How can you tell if a redneck is married? There are tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck. --- Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. --- What do you get when you cross a girl with braces with a power tool? A Black and Decker Pecker Wrecker. --- What's the difference between an Indian curry, and the Spice girls? An Indian curry has Ginger in it. --- Two women were sitting in the waiting room at the vets. "What are you here for?" said the first woman. The second woman replied: "My cat keeps scratching the furniture, so I'm having its claws removed." "And you, what are you here for?" inquired the second woman. "Well, every time I bend over, my dog keeps humping my backside." The second woman replied: "So youre having him neutered?" "No," replied the first woman, "Oh hell no. I'm having his claws removed too." -- How does a man show he's planning for the Future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. --- How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed. --- Husband says - Want a quickie? Wife says - As opposed to what? |
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