Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?
Justice: A decision in your favour.
Kill them all! ... Let God sort them out.
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
My message above. Your response here ____________.
Never assume. It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".
Life in a vacuum sucks.
Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist!
Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round, cornbread R square!
So many lawyers, so few bullets.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (yep/Nope)
Stay Alert. Stay Awake. Stay Alive.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
The rich get richer; the poor get babies.
The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
This is just a hobby. Perfection is not required. Fun is.
This score just in: OS/2, Windows 95.
Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!
Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
Was today really Necessary?
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull.
Who is "they" anyway?
Why are you looking down here? The joke is above!
RUNTIME ERROR 6D at 417A: 32CF: Incompetent user
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish.
You can't have everything...where would you put it?
hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.
Sex is like a bridge game: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
"Calm down. It's only ones and zeros."
If Clinton is the answer it must been a stupid question.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I may be fat, but your ugly - I can lose weight!
Assassins do it from behind!
Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!
Old musicians don't die... they just decompose.
God may have made man first, but there is always a ruff draft before a final copy.
The only real difference between an oral and rectal thermometer is the taste.
I did a drot of lugs in college, I hink I thave dain bramage.
To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Lottery: A tax on people who don't understand statistics.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished.
Marriage is not a word: it is a sentence.
Im not as think as you drunk i am.
I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar.
Eat shit! A million trillion flies can't be wrong.
You show the sensitivity of a Medieval Dentist.
(001) Logic Error CLINTON.SYS: Truth table missing
Born an ass hole (The rest grew later)
Jesus is coming, look busy
Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid I'll take over.
To Err is human, to forgive is simply not our policy.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
The name is Baud... James Baud.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
E Pluribus Modem
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
"Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes!"
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
(D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza.
Never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.
VENI, VIDI, VISA - I CAME, I SAW, I SHOPPED
Hold a hard drive to your ear -- listen to the C:
Jesus Saves -- passes to Moses, shoots, SCORES!
Jesus Saves! Moses Invests!
To err is human; To moo is bovine.
Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant is a little like having a Peeing Section in a pool!
Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\>
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
REHAB is for quitters.
Death to all fanatics!
It's all fun and games, 'till someone loses an eye! Then it's a *SPORT*
Never run after buses or women: you'll always get left behind.
Computers can never replace human stupidity
Politics: Poli (many) - tics (blood sucking parasites)
You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless mailed
You're only young once; you can be immature forever
On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
ERROR 406: file corrupt: config.earth --- reboot universe? (Y/N)
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
"Charlie was a Chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was H20 was H2SO4."
"Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw..."
"I tried to think but nothing happened!" - Curly
"Suicide Hotline...please hold."
"To err is human, to forgive....$5.00"
Tis better to be thought a fool, then to open
your mouth and remove all doubt.
"I am logged in, therefore I am."
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer
.(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened...
Bugs come in through open Windows.
A conscience does not prevent sin.
It only prevents you from enjoying it.
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
A pessimist is never disappointed.
All life's answers are on TV. - Bart Simpson
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
Alone: In bad company.
Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
The truth is out there? Anyone know the URL?
Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding.
Barium: what you do with dead chemists.
Black holes really suck...
Blessed are the pessimists, for they make backups!
Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing,
for ye shall not be disappointed.
Brain dysfunction detected...
Brain over - Insert coin
Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources.
COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
Chess players mate better.
Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
Do not disturb. Already disturbed!
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make
the unexpected become the expected?
Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up!
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
FATAL SYSTEM ERROR: Press F13 to continue...
Facts are stubborn things.
Feel lucky???? Update your software!
Gravity doesn't exist. Earth sucks.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!!
H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd! I am built for comfort, not speed!
I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem.
I think, therefore I am. I think.
I think. Therefore I am DANGEROUS.
I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit.
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
.I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing.
I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.
If I save the whales, where do I keep them?
If I save time, when do I get it back ?
If at first you don't succeed, put it out for beta test.
My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
It said "Insert disk #3", but only two will fit!
It's not just a hobby, it's an obsession!
No Radio - Already Stolen.
Cover me: I'm changing lanes.
All generalizations are false.
I Brake For No Apparent Reason.
My kid beat up your honors student.
Conserve toilet paper, use both sides..
Never mind the damn whales. Save the people!
Remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
I'm out of bed & dressed. What more do you want?
Work is for people who don't know how to surf the net.
Your kid may be an honors student but you're an IDIOT!
Forget about Karma... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edekasion
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted, telepath: you know where to apply.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an @$$hole.
I'm just driving this way to p*ss you off.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to be silent?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Where do forest rangers go to get away form it all?
Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places. Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?"
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off!
Motherhood: Another reason why we need God's constant help.
Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Having an out of body experience. Back in five.
Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
If at first you don't succeed, to heck with it.
Do unto others, then run...
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.
My heart's in the right place. I know, cuz I hid it there...
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted...
The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen.
Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?
My Reality Check bounced.
I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. The Truth is Out There. So what are you doing Here?!
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
You are here: X
There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.
Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
Men don't roar, women roar. Then they throw heavy objects.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1) Never tell everything you know.
Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you...
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am?
Motherhood: the longest guilt trip you'll ever take.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep
Tow-ers will be violated
Montana --- At least our cows are sane!
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Wink, I'll do the rest!
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
