Lawyer jokes

"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

It was so cold last winter.

How cold was it?

I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?

Skeet

The Lawyer's Creed:
A man is innocent until proven broke.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

What's the worst part about seeing 5 lawyers in Cadillac go over a cliff?

A Cadillac seats six

Sadam Housain and a lawyer are buried neck deep in sand, who do you kick in the teeth first??

Housain, Business before pleasure

Why don't lawyers go to the beach?

Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.

What's the difference between a female attorney and a pit bull?

Lipstick

What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?

A Doberman

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?

Not enough cement.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?

A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand.

What is the definition of a lawyer?

A mouth with a life-support system.

What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?

A whine cellar.

Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are "avocat" in French)

Both have hearts like stones.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?

A tick drops off you when you die.

What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?

Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Out of Towner: Any criminal lawyers in this town?

Local: Yes. But none of them are in jail.

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?

Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong sewer.

Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?

Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.

What to Laywers and sperm have in common?

They come by the thousands but only one works.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?

Another lawyer.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

How many can you afford?

What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?

1) The vulture eventually lets go.

2) Vultures don't get Frequent Flyer Miles.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?

Take your foot off his head.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt?

The bucket.

What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?

When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his butt.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand.

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

From chasing parked ambulances.

Where can you find a good lawyer?

In the cemetary

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.

Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people.

What does a lawyer use for birth-control?

His personality.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non- negotiable.

2.Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

3.Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self- same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non- negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

A Blind Rabbit and a Blind Snake bumped into each other while traveling through the forest. Blind Rabbit: Excuse me, but I am blind. I intended no offense. Blind Snake: No problem, I am also blind. What kind of animal are you? Blind Rabbit: I don't know. I have never seen myself. What kind of animal are you? Blind Snake: I don't know either. Why don't we do each other a favor. I will feel you and tell you what kind of animal you are, and then you will do the same for me. They both agreed so the Blind Snake slithered up and down the Blind Rabbit's body, and was able to determine what the Blind Rabbit was. Blind Snake: I have good news for you. You are warm, and fuzzy. You have a furry little tale, and long soft ears. You must be bunny rabbit. The Blind Rabbit was very happy and then began feeling the Blind Snake. Blind Rabbit: I have bad news for you. You're low to the ground, you're slimy, and you have a forked tongue. You're long and thin, and you feel just like a pecker without balls. You're a lawyer.

Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? A: One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: How was copper wire invented? A: Two attorneys fighting over a penny.

why don't snakes bite attorneys? proffesional courtesy

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest Stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? Not enough sand.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? Skeet.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God replies "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst. So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars.The partner was horrified. "The judge is an honorable man," the partner exclaimed. "If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!" Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client. The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars to the judge?", the partner asked. But I did send them," replied the lawyer. "I just enclosed the plaintiff's lawyer's business card!"

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, " I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace".The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said" Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just took off with my back pack."

Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck that I just shot", he replied. "That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it&'s mine," replied the farmer. Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No", replied the farmer, "I don&'t know, and I don&'t care." "I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles", came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I&'m the reason he is a free man today. And if you don&'t let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I&'ll leave you penniless on the street. " "Well," said the farmer, "In Montana the only law we go by is the ‘3 kicks law&'." " Never heard of it", said Johnny. The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours". Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. " Fair enough", he said. So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet."Alright, now it&'s my turn", said Johnny. "Aw, forget it", said the farmer. "You can have the duck."

A preacher and an attorney were talking one day about the mistakes they made in their respective professions, and how they dealt with them. The lawyer boasted that because he was a lawyer if he made a really big mistake he just shuffled a few papers and pulled a few legal maneuvers and covered it all up. If it was a small mistake he just ignored it and went on with life. The attorney turned to the preacher and asked " How do you do it, pastor?"The pastor said, "If it is a really large mistake I just turn to the Lord and ask forgiveness." The attorney interrupted him and asked, "But what about small mistakes, how do you handle them?" The preacher replied, "Well, just last Sunday in my sermon I was quoting Jesus from the gospel of John chapter 8 where he said, 'You are your father the devil, he was a LIAR from the beginning.' Instead I said, 'You are of your father the devil, he was LAWYER from the beginning.'" Upon hearing this the lawyer became indignant and retorted, " Well how did you handle it.?" The preacher replied, "It was such a small mistake that I just ignored it and went on."

Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt to persuade him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?" The lawyer replied, "Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children?" Sheepishly, the charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this. "Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

A lawyer was interrogating a witness at the stand. The witness was a punk from the streets of London. "You've got a lot of intelligence for someone of your background", the lawyer sneered. "I'd return the compliment if I wasn't under oath", the punk replied.

Q: Your attorney and your mother-in-law are trapped in a burning building. You only have time to save only one of them. A: Do you have lunch or go to a movie?

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last

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