> >The true high point of the e-mail year has arrived. Yes, it is the 1999 > >Darwin Awards. For those sheltered few who are not fully aware of the > >Darwin Awards, these awards are given annually (and posthumously) to > >those individuals who did the most for the human gene pool by removing > >themselves from it. A slow but effective improvement process. > > > > > >GRAVITY KILLS > >A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use > >'occy' straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to > >bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County > >police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these > >straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end > >to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped...and hit the pavement. > >Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia > >was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that > >he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and > >the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was > >"major trauma." An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week. > > > > > >LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY > >Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming Fourth of July > >holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only > >real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were > >atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. > >Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for > >miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and were > >found dead 250 yards from their respective seats. > > > > > >DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT > >A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a > >lightning storm hit the lake. Most of the other boats immediately > >headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear > >of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, > >spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, > >LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered. The other two > >passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns. > > > > > >CATCH! > >A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but > >there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a > >friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what > >happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was > >hospitalized. > > > > > >THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU > >Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies > >nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by > >his cell phone... more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and > >talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his > >neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at > >the same time. > > > > > >GIMME A LIGHT! > >In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the > >smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing > >all potential sources of ignition - lights, power,etc. After the > >building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were > >dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty > >navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. > >Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching > >into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon > >operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, > >sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the > >technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. > >The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never > >been thought of as "bright" by his peers, until now. > > > > > >Exceptions, but worth noting: > > > > > >RUNNER UP? > >A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position > >yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a > >group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went > >overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated > >the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue"... the hard way. Apparently, Mr. > >Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put > >about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly > >placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of > >the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it > >has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. > >However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Mr. > >Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making > >Mr. Demuth an unintended passenger. "Sally [the rhino] hasn't been > >feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given > >her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Mr. Demuth > >played his juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During > >Sally's tirade, two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a > >number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy > >goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team > >of medics and zoo caretakers to remove his hands from her buttocks. > >First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during > >this process the laxatives began to take hold and Mr. Demuth was > >repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It was > >tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces > >from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Mr. Demuth > >was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three > >people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth > >We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands > >from her rear," said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with > >Crazy Glue for a while." Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously > >amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going > >to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the > >zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov,leader of the troupe. > > > > > >CLEANER POLISHES OFF PATIENTS > >"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a patient dead > >in the same bed every Friday morning," a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi > >Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. "There was no > >apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air > >conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, > >failed to reveal any clues. However, further inquiries have now revealed > >the cause of these deaths...It seems that every Friday morning a > >cleaning lady would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the > >patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant > >socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, > >she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that > >the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and > >eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher. We are sorry, > >and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the > >Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician > >to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this > >incident. The inquiry is now closed."
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