You may have the wrong doctor if; You see a
rectal thermometer in his shirt pocket, but
he can't find his ball-point pen.
I heard about a grape stomper who got
fired for sitting
down on the job.
"What do you love most about me?" the woman
asked her
husband. "My natural beauty or my gorgeous
body?"
"Your sense of humor."
A couple got into a fight a while back.
He didn't see
her for over a week.......then he started to
see her just a
little out of one eye.
Jane couldn't find anyone to sing with, so
she went out and
bought a duet yourself kit.
Books come from trees. That could account
for all the
branch libraries.
Question: What did the Zen Buddhist say to
the hot dog vendor?
Answer: "Make me one with everything."
"This machine will do half your work for
you," said the salesclerk.
"Sounds wonderful," replied the customer.
"I'll take two."
Girl: I'm sorry but I don't kiss on the first
date.
I APPOLOGIZE TO SHORT ATTENTION SPANS FOR THE
FOLLOWING, BUT I THINK IT'S FUNNY:
The Roommate
John invited his mother over for dinner.
During the meal, his mother couldn't help
noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie
was. She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between John and his roommate,
and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while
watching the two interact, she started to
wonder if there was more between John and the
roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's
thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you
must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and
I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and
said, "Ever since your mother came to
dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it,
do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write
her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm
not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from
my house, and
I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy
ladle. But the fact remains that one has been
missing ever since you were here for
dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter
from his mother which read, "Dear Son, I'm
not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie,
and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep
with Julie. But the fact remains that if she
was sleeping in her own bed, she would have
found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."
(Note: The material on this site does not
necessarily reflect my views lest I get into
trouble!)
Now more relief for short attention spans
from the master of one-liners.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked
into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second
mouse gets the cheese
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this
week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she
left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about
cholesterol
I intend to live forever - so far, so
good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a
good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to
buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin'
hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not
Disturb!
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made
of
Support bacteria - they're the only culture
some people have
When everything's coming your way, you're in
the wrong lane
Who is General Failure and why is he reading
my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death
twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with
battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's
gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains
kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the
dark.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill
them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to
bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never
opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise
my hand.
If a person with multiple personalities
threatens suicide, is that considered a
hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be
if sponges didn't live there.
Whatever happened to preparations A through
G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does
baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids
asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The
whole time."
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled
employees? And who has been dis-ing them
anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an
hour before getting OUT of the
water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat
food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam,
what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The
people who live above me are
furious.
Do they have reserved parking for
non-handicapped people at the Special
Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns
because they taste funny?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot
them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by
a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp"
to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't
that why some people appear bright until you
hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long
word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's
supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how
cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control
when you know the battery is
dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do
Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're
already finished? Shouldn't they be called
builts?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient
funds fee" on money they already know you
don't have?
If the universe is everything, and scientists
say that the universe is expanding, what is
it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started
driving backward, would the taxi driver end
up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees
bent the other way?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is
around to see it, do the other trees make fun
of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an
orange?
When two airplanes almost collide, why do
they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a
near hit to me!!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word
"monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of
Interior when they are in charge of
everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when
looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do
humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does
it go?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but
when a jar is open, it's not a
door?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars
and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has
wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his
chest, but always ducked when someone threw a
gun at him?
Why is it that lemon juice contains mostly
artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid
contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes
to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure"
it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean
when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put
garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the
bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as
"4's"?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do
we still have monkeys and apes?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married
to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an
invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single
people or does it just seem
longer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the
saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning
lottery numbers, why are they all still
working?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the
lower part shut?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's
left.
I have activated the Braille-blocker for
the following:
A blind man was being led by his seeing-eye
dog right into the middle of moving traffic.
Horns blew and tires squeeled as cars tried
not to hit him. The blind man then reached
into his pocket, pulled out a cookie, and
gave it to the dog. An onlooker asked, "why
are you giving this dog a cookie after he
made this near fatal error?" The blind man
replied, "I was just trying to find his head
so I can kick his butt!"
Sign My
Guestbook
View My
Guestbook
This flame is
to recognize Molly,
who sent it to me.
*
HOME
Email: oracle-1@mailcity.com
