BARRY'S BELLY LAUGHS

The TV news gave the nudist convention little coverage

Two men were talking in a crowded elevator when one of them said, "all lawyers are jerks."
A stranger overheard him and sharply replied, "I resent that!"
"Oh, you must be a lawyer."
"No, I'm a jerk."

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"I have a great lawyer. I broke a mirror, which means seven years of bad luck. He thinks he can get me off with five."

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The man fidgeted in his seat while the banker reviewed his loan application. "Your assets seem to be in order," said the banker. "Tell me about your liabilities."
"No problem," said the fellow. "I can lie with the best of 'em."

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The traveler picked up the pen at the plush hotel's registration desk. "What have you got for thirty dollars?" he asked.
"You're holding it," replied the clerk.

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Boy: Please whisper those three little words that will make me walk on air.
Girl: Go hang yourself.

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Why study? The more we know, the more we forget. The more we forget, the less we know. The less we know, the less we forget. The less we forget, the more we know. So why study?

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Wife: My husband thinks he's a refrigerator.
Psychiatrist: I wouldn't worry as long as he is not violent.
Wife: Oh the delusion doesn't bother me. But when he sleeps with his mouth open, the little light keeps me awake.

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Wife: My husband frightens me the way he blows smoke rings though his nose.
Psychiatrist: That isn't unusual.
Wife: But my husband doesn't smoke.

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When a boy got a set of drums for his birthday, the man next door gave him a new pocket knife and said, "Why don't you see what's inside the drums?"

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A woman told the judge she wanted a divorce because her husband was careless about his appearance. "You mean he is unkept?" inquired the judge. "No. He hasn't made an appearance in more than two years."



Credit manager: Are you going to pay us something on that account?
Customer: I can't just now.
Credit manager: If you don't, I'll tell all your other creditors that you paid us in full.

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I played a blank audio tape in my stereo and turned the volume up all the way. Soon, I heard a knock at my door. It was a mime who had come to complain.

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"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test. What does Aurora Borealis mean?"
"It means I don't get the job."

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"Were you hired by the radio station?"
"N-n-no, they s-s-said I w-w-wasn't t-t-t-tall enough!"

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Q: Do you know what the name of Isaiah's horse was?
A: Is Me. He said "Woe, is me."

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Misbehaving children are youngsters whose parents embarked on the sea of matrimony without a paddle.

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The potential for mischeif varries inversely with one's proximity to the authority figure.

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YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN THE WRONG CHURCH WHEN.......

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Sign in a motel: "Dogs are permitted here because we never had a dog who smoked in bed and burned holes in the sheets. Never had a dog who stole towels. Never had a dog who got drunk and became disorderly. So if your dog can vouch for you, you're welcome here."

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A woman who weighed many an ounce
Used language I dare not pronounce
When a young man unkind
pulled her chair from behind
"Just to see," so he said,
"if she'd bounce."

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A fellow said, "Good morning, Judge, how do you feel?" And the judge said, "Fine. $100."

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Wife: Are you sure you'll love me after I get ugly and old?
Husband: Who says I don't?

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He: I want to call you. Could you give me your phone number?
She: It's in the book.
He: Good. What is your name?
She: It's in the book, too.

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In Salem, Massachusetts in the days of witch hunts, a midget fortune-teller was imprisoned. She escaped and the headlines in the local paper read: SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE.

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MENTAL BLOCK: A street on which several psychiatrists live.

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PAST TENSE: When you used to be nervous.

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A halo only has to fall 11 inches to become a noose.

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Letter from son at school: