Twinkie Test
In an effort to clarify questions about the
purported durability and unusual physical
characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the
Hostess snack logs to the following
experiments:
EXPOSURE
A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for four
days, during which time an inch and a half of
rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling
across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to
hypothesis, birds -- even pigeons -- avoided
this potential source of sustenance. Despite
the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun,
the Twinkie retained its original color and
form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to
be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it
was observed to have taken on the consistency
of industrial foam insulation; the filling,
however, retained its advertised
"creaminess."
RADIATION
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional
microwave oven, which was set for precisely 4
minutes -- the approximate cooking time of
bacon. After 20 seconds, the oven began to
emit the Twinkie's rich,
characteristic
aroma of artificial butter. After 1 minute,
this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell
of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted
after 2 minutes, 10 seconds, when thick, foul
smoke began billowing from the top of the
oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to the
same experiment. This Twinkie leaked molten
white filling. When cooled, this now
epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its
plate, defying gravity; it was removed only
upon application of a butter knife.
EXTREME FORCE
A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor
window, a fall of
approximately
120 feet. It landed right side up, then
bounced onto its back. The expected
"splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed,
the only discernible damage to the Twinkie
was a narrow fissure on its underside.
Otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally
intact.
EXTREME COLD
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional
freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal, the
Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but
its physical properties had noticeably
"slowed": the filling was found to be the
approximate consistency of acrylic paint,
while exhibiting the mercurylike property of
not adhering to practically any surface. It
was noticed that the Twinkie had generously
absorbed freezer odors.
EXTREME HEAT
A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2
minutes. While the Twinkie smoked and
blackened and the filling in one of its
"cream holes" boiled, the Twinkie did not
catch fire. It did, however, produce the same
"burning rubber" aroma noticed during the
irradiation
experiment.
IMMERSION
A Twinkie was dropped into a large beaker
filled with tap water. The Twinkie floated
momentarily, began to list and sink, and
viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower
half, possibly consisting of a
water-soluble
artificial coloring. After 2 hours, the
Twinkie had bloated substantially. Its
coloring was now a very pale tan -- in
contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that
surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when
touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After
72 hours, the Twinkie was found to have
bloated to roughly 200 percent of its
original size, the water had turned opaque,
and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had
leaked from one of the "cream holes."
Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie
for further analysis were abandoned when,
under light pressure, the Twinkie
disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of
debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.
The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop,
along with some of the unusual
phenomena associated with the "creamy
filling" and artificial coloring, should give
pause to those observers who would
unequivocally
categorize
the Twinkie as "food." Further clinical
inquiry is required before any definite
conclusions can be drawn.
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