Diary Entry from December 8, 2002
I really wanted this diary to be filled with nice, happy memories. Keep telling everyone (and myself) that college is a blast. Well, I suppose that it is a blast compared to my life in Kapuskasing. Over there I did absolutely nothing: wake up at noon, walk around town, have coffee, say hi to mom, go to work for a few hours, go home, kill time, go to sleep, start the process over again. Man, was I ever a loser. At least over here I can socialize at will, there are things to wake up for, places to see and explore. And even though I've fucked up my chances of getting my certificate this year somehow I don't feel as crushed as I should be. But fucking up is what I do best. Tonight I took too much topamax, 1000 mg instead of 200. It was an impulse thing. I'm having trouble with it again, big time and I don't want anyone to know because the doctors are on my case about it. The psych keeps asking if I have a plan to kill myself. When I say no, he asks if I picture it being done in any certain way. If I say yes it would be admitting that I lied to the first question, wouldn't it? Those shrinks are sneaky. The doctor here wrote down that I was suicidal and that's why the pdocs are on my case so much, but I never told Sarah (doc) that I was suicidal. So basically if I say one thing wrong, they can chuck me in the hospital.