I Hurt Sometimes, You Know?
Susanna Kaysen: I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.
This is the mindframe of almost anyone who self-injures, I believe. It certainly applies to myself. Whatever the reasons - feeling left alone, guilty, overburdened, misunderstood, without control, unwanted, numbness, untrusting, stuck, or afraid, the things around me always run a risk of some of upset. I hurt myself when the pain is greater than whatever I use to soothe it. In these instances, it's the self-inflicted physical pain that brings relief. It gives me something to focus on beside whatever is/was troubling my mind, and in a very perverse sense mimics whatever pains I have gone through in the past and no longer have to endure. Each scar, each tear in my stomach represents some hurt that I've gone through and just couldn't endure anymore.
It's difficult to stay in pain. I've always been good at bearing physical pain... but mental anguish is not a thing I like to bear. And the horrible thing of it all is that the two feed each other! I've been hurting myself for so long that a painful sensation will remind me of any reason that I may self-inflict it, hence re-creating a mental ache that is best avoided. So it occurs in a neat little pattern: 1. a trigger (anything upsetting), 2. unwanted thoughts, 3. an act of self injury, 4. the healing process and taking care of wounds, 5. being triggered by the pain of wounds or merely the sight of them...
Sometimes this pattern has a break, sometimes it's so continuous that I may spend half my day creating and nurturing injuries. The cuts I make are an attempt to see if I can even feel pain after everything, yet I know it will bring no relief other than knowing I am free to repeat the act again and again if the desired result is not reached. In a life of having little control over what I have been able to feel, this is the only certain thing, the only thing that I know has a sound basis, is real. A friend and foe rolled into one, it's unlikely I'll ever be rid of this addiction.
It's not a pity party, thinking that nobody else has gone through my situation, or is currently experiencing the same emotions, but trying to be resourceful with limited coping solutions. When you feel so incredibly hurt by everyone around you (nevermind that the hurt may not have a sound basis), it's just a reminder of how little it takes to obliterate trust. Without anyone to trust, it feeds a sense of loneliness and hatred beyond description - one that is so deep that if it isn't shaken quickly enough, can create situations that feed the mistrust.
There is no doubt in my mind that these thoughts and actions hurt the ones I love every single time they surface. The disappointment these people feel toward me, the anger, the incomprehension of the entire situation... they are being victimized by my actions, without me meaning to do so. I'd really love to stop all of this, somehow go back in time and change whatever made me start... but nobody has that luxury. I can bandage my physical and emotional wounds with gauze and pills, and hope that there will be a day sometime in the near future that is completely free of self-injury.
Damn Bleeding Holes
I got my eyebrow pierced. It's quite fun. It looks cool, the guy didn't pierce it too high up or in a tacky spot. One of the best things about piercings is the aftercare - getting to take care of a nice, fresh wound. Mine is taking a while to heal because I keep playing with it. It's just the way I am... I pick at wounds. So sue me. It's not infected yet.
Say it ain't so
You're Devi! Bad people happen to you more than is
normal. You must live a cursed life.
What Johnny the Homicidal Maniac character are you? brought to you by Quizilla
You are Nailbunny. In the beginning you were a
bunny that Nny bought at a pet store, fed once,
then nailed to a wall. Later you become Nny's
inner voice of reason. You are the only one who
sees what is really going on with the doughboys
and how they were manipulating Nny.
Unfortunately Nny didn't take your advice until
it was too late, and he ended up killing
himself.
Famous quote "With your bone structure you
would look revolting as an obese person."
What "Johnny the Homicidal Maniac" Character Do You Most Resemble? brought to you by Quizilla
Part of Me - Linkin Park
Part of me won?t go away.
Every day reminded how much I hated it.
Weighted against the consequences,
Can?t live without it so it?s senseless.
Wanna cut it out of my soul
and just live with a gaping hole.
Take control of my life
and wash out all the burnt taste
I made the problems in the first place.
Hang my head low ?cause its part of me.
Ya hardly see right next to the heart of me.
Heard of me the routine scar
New cuts cover where the old ones are
and now I?m sick of this.
I can?t stand the sandpaper thoughts that grate on my sanity.
I?d rather not even be the the man that?s staring in the mirror through me.
Cut myself free willingly
stop just what?s killing me.
Cut myself free willingly
stop just what?s killing me.
Cut myself free willingly
stop just what?s killing me.
Cut myself free willingly
stop just what?s killing me.
I feel it everyday.
I feel I made my way
I feel it swell up inside,
Swell up inside.
Swallowing me!
Freedom can be frightening if you?ve never felt it
Once it?s been dealt with you feel like you?ve been touched by something angelic
and then melted down into a pool of peace.
Cease to be the animal you used to be.
Removed the broken parts you know were wrong,
and feel the calm when the problems all gone,
and then you start to see another piece of yourself that you can?t let be.
Memories of the last fight to free yourself
take it to the depths at the bottom of the well
and now you know that you can chose to lose the part in your heart
where your insides bruise.
You can live if you?re willing to.
Put a stop to just what?s killing you.
Cut myself free willingly
stop just what?s killing me.
Cut myself free willingly
stop just what?s killing me.
Cut myself free willingly
stop just what?s killing me.
Cut myself free willingly
stop just what?s killing me.
I feel it everyday
I feel I made my way
I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside,
Swallowing me
Alive in me, inside of me, a part of me screams away silently
Alive in me, inside of me, this part of me won't go away part of me won't go away.
This part of me won't go away, (Alive in me, inside of me, a part of me screams
desperately silently.)
A part of me won't go away. (Alive in me, inside of me, a part of me screams
desperately silently.)
Everywhere I look around I see how everything ought to be.
Every time I see myself there's always something wrong with me.
I feel it everyday
I feel I made my way
I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside
Swallowing me
I feel it everyday
I feel I made my way
I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside
Swallowing me
