This is the mindframe of almost anyone who self-injures, I believe. It certainly applies to myself. Whatever the reasons - feeling left alone, guilty, overburdened, misunderstood, without control, unwanted, numbness, untrusting, stuck, or afraid, the things around me always run a risk of some of upset. I hurt myself when the pain is greater than whatever I use to soothe it. In these instances, it's the self-inflicted physical pain that brings relief. It gives me something to focus on beside whatever is/was troubling my mind, and in a very perverse sense mimics whatever pains I have gone through in the past and no longer have to endure. Each scar, each tear in my stomach represents some hurt that I've gone through and just couldn't endure anymore.

It's difficult to stay in pain. I've always been good at bearing physical pain... but mental anguish is not a thing I like to bear. And the horrible thing of it all is that the two feed each other! I've been hurting myself for so long that a painful sensation will remind me of any reason that I may self-inflict it, hence re-creating a mental ache that is best avoided. So it occurs in a neat little pattern: 1. a trigger (anything upsetting), 2. unwanted thoughts, 3. an act of self injury, 4. the healing process and taking care of wounds, 5. being triggered by the pain of wounds or merely the sight of them...
Sometimes this pattern has a break, sometimes it's so continuous that I may spend half my day creating and nurturing injuries. The cuts I make are an attempt to see if I can even feel pain after everything, yet I know it will bring no relief other than knowing I am free to repeat the act again and again if the desired result is not reached. In a life of having little control over what I have been able to feel, this is the only certain thing, the only thing that I know has a sound basis, is real. A friend and foe rolled into one, it's unlikely I'll ever be rid of this addiction.

It's not a pity party, thinking that nobody else has gone through my situation, or is currently experiencing the same emotions, but trying to be resourceful with limited coping solutions. When you feel so incredibly hurt by everyone around you (nevermind that the hurt may not have a sound basis), it's just a reminder of how little it takes to obliterate trust. Without anyone to trust, it feeds a sense of loneliness and hatred beyond description - one that is so deep that if it isn't shaken quickly enough, can create situations that feed the mistrust.