*HUMOR*

MICHIEF

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively
mischievous.The two were always getting into trouble and their parents
could be assuredthat if any mischief occurred in their town their two
young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits
end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in
disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he
thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The
husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I
really lose my temper!" The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys,
but asked to see them individually.

The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy
down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an
even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even
more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming
himself into his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet
and asked, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG
trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it."

Noah's Ark: In todays Times!

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the
whole Earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save
a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding
you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an
Ark.

"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark
completed, or learn to swim for a very long time.
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah
was sitting in his front yard, weeping....and there was no Ark.
"Noah," asked the Lord, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems."
"First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project,and your plans didn't
meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans. Then I got into a big fight
over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. Then my neighbor objected,
claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a
variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for
the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to
convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the Owls. But they
wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on
strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before
anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the
boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal
rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit
dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an
environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the
idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army
Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity
Commission over how many Creations I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my
assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a
notice from the state about owing them some kind of tax. I really don't think I can finish
the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. The sun
began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean
you're not going to destroy the Earth?" Noah asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly.
"The government already has."

LEROY & THE BICYCLE

Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother
decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said,
"Well Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out
and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and
pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his
room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

--Start of letter--
Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new
bicycle. Your Friend, Leroy
--End of letter--

Now Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (Brat). So,
he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

--Start of letter--
Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and want a new bicycle. Yours
Truly, Leroy
--End of letter--

Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.

--Start of letter--
Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a
new bicycle. Leroy
--End of letter--

Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his
mother was really wanting. He crumpled up the letter threw it in the trash can
and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about; depressed because
of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He
finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and
knelt down. Looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy
finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the
statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He
went home hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.

--Start of letter--
Jesus, I've broken most of the Ten Commandments; shot spit wads in school,
tore up my sister's Barbie doll and lots more. I'm desperate. I've got your
mama if you ever want to see her again give me a bike. You know who.

Lady

There was a Christian lady who lived next door to atheist. Everyday,
when the lady prayed, the atheist guy
could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy,
praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"
Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and
harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you
know there is no God?"

But she kept on praying. One day, she ran out of groceries. As
usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and
thanking Him for what He was gonna do.

AS USUAL, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself.
"Hmph...I'll fix her." He went to the grocery store, bought a whole
bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the
front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see
what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries,
she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and
shoutin' everywhere!

The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol'
crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those
groceries!"

Well, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and
praising the Lord. When he finally caught her, he asked what her
problem was...

She said, "I KNEW THE LORD WOULD PROVIDE ME WITH SOME GROCERIES,
BUT I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS GONNA MAKE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!"

Gotcha!

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the
sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read
Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the
minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read
Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will
now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.

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