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It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman,
with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him
with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do
about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was
16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the
teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop
and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell
your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last
free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said,
"Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread,
free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the
expression on HIS face!"
A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at
an American shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything
they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move
apart and back together again.
The boy asked his Father, "What is this Father?".
The Father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this
in my life, I don`t know what it is!".
While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a
wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The
walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights
with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped
out.
The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother".
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
There once was a man who loved baked beans. He couldn't get enough of 'em. But when he got married, he decided to give them up because they made him fart too much. One day, when he was driving to work, his car broke down and he had to walk home. It was a good 20 miles. After one mile, he saw a Restaurant that had a baked bean sale. He couldn't resist, and he thought that he would finish hs farts before he got home. WRONG. He farted almost continuously on the way home, then had to hold them in when he got to his house. His wife immediately blind-folded him and said that there was a surprise. So she seated him at a table, but the phone rang. The wife went over and got the phone. The man immediately let one go, and fanned it away with a napkin. He lifted up one leg then the other and farted a lot. The whole room stunk. As he heard the wife saying her good-byes, he fanned out the air with the napkin and held them in again. The wife came in and took off the blind fold. Guess what he saw... 12 people sitting around the table for a surprise BIRTHDAY PARTY!!
3 girls died and was brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.
St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."
"Which is ...?", they replied in unison.
"Have you been a good girl ?", he asked the first girl.
"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.
"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.
"Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically have sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime".
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl.........my room key."
These four gents go out to play golf one day. One is detained in the clubhouse and the remaining three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful that in his last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man not to be outdone, told how his daughter began her career as a car salesperson, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "She's so successful, in fact, in the last six months she gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives, they tell him that they have been discussing their children and ask him about his son.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been in and out of work and I've just recently discovered he's a bisexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three lovers have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She starts her class by saying,
"Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up." After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" "No, ma'am," he says, but I hate to
see you standing there all by yourself."
Little Johnny's teacher called on him one day during math class. She said, "If there are 3 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many birds are left on the fence?"
"None" says little Johnny.
"None? How do you figure" asked the teacher...
"Well, if I shoot at one bird, the other two fly away, so there are no birds on the fence."
"No Johnny, the correct answer is 2, but I like the way you think".
"Teacher, I have a question for you" says little Johnny. "If there are 3 women sitting in an ice cream parlor, and one is biting her ice cream cone, and the second is licking her ice cream cone, and the third is sucking her ice cream cone, how can you tell which one is married?"
The teacher thought for a moment, and says "The one who is sucking her ice cream cone is the married one".
"Wrong", says Johnny, "you can tell which one is married by which one has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you think".
An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel,
filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah,
you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level
of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements.
After a while, the underworld had air conditioning and flush toilets
and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy
among the demons.
One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling
what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God's face clouded over, and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up
here."
Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff,
and I'm keeping him."
God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are
supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going
to get a lawyer?"
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Email: scrt2003@aol.com
