ABOUT MY PAST
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This page is
about me, and a little of who I am. I've talked a
few friends of mine about what I'd like to put here,
and they think that I should be careful and not to
say anything that could get me into serious trouble.
I agree with them, safety is important. But I also
think that there's a time when you have to stand up
and tell things the way they really are also, and
this is one of those times. So I'm going to tell you
about the real me, and what my life's really been
like. I'm doing this in the hopes that someone like
me might read this, and see that there's hope for
them, no matter what kind of hurt or pain they may
be going through.
I'm 14, and I live in Hawaii. You'd think that it'd
be great to live here, and it is. But I'd be a lot
happier if I was living at home with my real mom.
But because of things that's happened to me, I can't
be with her right now. I lived in California
originally, and thats where my real mom is, and all
my friends, and I really miss them alot.
You see, when I was 7yrs old, I was raped by someone
I didn't know, and he was never caught. I don't have
a lot of memory of it, and the things I do remember
are real hard for me to talk about. There was a lot
of fear and pain that I remember, and it hurt
everyone in my family when they found out.
I guess the worst part of that happening to me was
that he wasn't caught, because even now I lay in bed
at night and wonder where he's at, and if hes hurt
other kids like he did me. I guess I'll always
wonder, and pray that maybe he died somehow before
anyone else got hurt. I know that it's wrong for me
to wish for, but I believe that what he did to me
was a lot worse than the death he could have gotten,
because I'm living with the results.
I guess it was about that time that my dad started
to really drink and get drunk all the time. And
there were times that he used to beat me and my
older brother Randy for things that just didn't make
sense, or had no reason to get so upset about. It
hurt a lot, and no matter how hard I tryed, it
seemed like I just couldn't get him to love me, or
be proud of me.
Then when I was 9yrs old, my dad walked in my
brother and I's bedroom and caught me doing things
to Randy. He got really mad and beat Randy and I
bad, and I had to stay home from school for 3 days
until I felt better. Mom worked a lot, and she
worked a lot of nights, and soon after that dad came
in our room one night really drunk.
That was the night that I started fearing my dad and
wondering what I ever did to deserve to live like
this, because that was the first night of 4yrs of me
being molested by my dad and older brother Randy.
For the next 4yrs I lived there with my family, and
I would lay awake at night when I knew mom was
working, terrified that I'd hear the door to our
room open and have my drunk father make me do things
to him.
I changed and got real quiet. I wasnt happy any
more, and I was depressed all the time. I could
never tell anyone what was wrong, because dad said
that noone would believe me, and that I'd really be
in trouble if I ever told, so I didn't. Then in
October of '97, I hurt to much, and didn't want to
live anymore and tryed to kill myself. I woke up in
the hospital and I saw my mom there crying, and
asking me why I did it. And for the first time I
told, I told her everything bout what had happened,
and how I hurt inside because of it.
My dad and brother were arrested the next day, and
since my brother Randy was a minor when it happened,
he went to juvie till he turned 18. When my dad got
arrested he got out on bond, and before he had to go
to court he ran away and disappeared. Noone knows
where he's at and the cops are looking for him but
can't find him.
With the help of the courts and mom, I was snuck
over here to Hawaii to live with my auntie, where
I'd be safe. She has custody of me now, and I'm
starting to find a little happiness in my life
again. And I have to stay here in hiding until they
either find my dad, or I turn 18.
I love my auntie a lot, and I even call her mom now.
But in my heart, she'll never replace my real mother
that loved me enough to send me away and keep me
safe.
Well that's it, that's my life. If you ask me why I
did this, I'd tell you that it's to show you that no
matter what happens in your life, you should never
give up hope. I gave up hope once, and almost died.
But I was lucky enough to have someone that loved
and cared about me to step in and see me safely to
the other side.
That's what I've tryed to do in the time I've been
online now, to be there for people I know and people
I meet. To listen and hold them when they needed a
shoulder to cry on, or just someone to talk to, or
just a hug to let them know someone cares.
If by writing this all down, and bearing my soul to
all of you that reads this, can help just one person
find a little strength, and peace inside themselves,
then I know that my time and my life hasn't been a
waste.
So please, if you see someone hurting, or needing
someone to talk to, dont be afraid to say "hey, I'm
here if you need me and I care". Because that person
could be your next best friend, and you might even
save his life.
