Those who know me say I've changed, those who don't say the same. Family, friends, and even some fans. I know I have, but I don't know how anyone could think that I wouldn't.
Don't get me wrong, I have changed, but only for the better. I've calmed down quite a bit, a lot actually. I tend to fully make the best of everything. I spend more time walking and watching, instead of walking by in a rush to get to the next project lined up for me.
I realize that everyone takes everything for granted in some ways. We all rely on so much stuff, yet we don't comprehend that it could be taken away. Of course, we know it can be, but we always think 'no, it will never happen to me.' Which is sorely untrue. No one gets picked, names aren't drawn out of a hat, no one just calls out your name, and you don't get singled out. It just happens, whether you want it to or not, whether you are prepared for it or not.
It's still hard for me to wake up sometimes. When I'm resting in that place between asleep and awake, I keep thinking that I'm still blind and have to count my steps to the closet, I mentally select my clothes from how many coat hangers they are from the left or right. But when my eyes open, and I see the ceiling above me, I get scared.
Being tossed from light to dark, to dark to light is scary. And so damn frustrating. Yet, to remind myself that I was once blind, I still read Braille, I still count my steps, and our room is still clean. Which aggravates and annoys my brothers to no end.
I have to agree with my brother Tay when he says, "everything changes." Because it does. Everything changes, people change, feelings change, appearances change… we all do. It's a course in life that we all seem to follow.
Summer has told me that my eyes have softened, I believe her too. Her and I spend time together now and again. I'm trying to get her to work at Seymour Groves; she'd be great as a dance instructor. She declines though, I think she just needs a boost in self-confidence, I hope that if it's not me that gets to, that someone else will.
I know Ike still carries around the baggage blaming himself for my accident. I told him the truth when I said it was me who put the rollerblade back. I think that because he is the oldest that he tends to take on a lot more responsibility then he should. He's a great older brother that way.
Jessie, Avie, and Mack seem nervous around me. I know it's because when I was blind, I felt horrible having to sit with them and not see their smiling faces. When I couldn't see their bright blonde hair and eyes bright with laughter, it killed me. I love little kids, they look so precious and so at peace, and when I couldn't see them, it was as if a piece of me was dying so slowly and so painfully.
My parents now… they tend to baby me. Warning everyone not to run in the house, or basically anywhere else. It's taken a long time to get our rollerblades back down from the attic. They're scared of going through something like that again, and I don't blame them. But they can't stop us from living life. Everything is a chance and risk you take.
I think out of this whole episode, we all learned something. And some of us are still learning...
