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May 5, 2001
The following is a summary of an article by Susan Martin found at: http://www.parentsplace.com/babies/sleep/gen/0,8728,10095,00.html
Summary by Randall G. Hansen, Ph.D., FACFE, DABPS, DAPA
Most experts opposed to co-sleeping describe the practice as “unhealthy.” This view is not
based upon any scientific evidence but rather the old “pull yourself up by the boot straps” type of
thinking of the old west. Independence was prized and seen as a virtue. For a child to appear
too dependent was unhealthy. The issue of independence is often linked to co-sleeping. United
States culture has a reverence for independence. Many people in this society believe that the
sooner it is achieved the better. However, the belief that children should sleep alone because it
promotes independence is based upon cultural preferences, not scientific evidence. In many
countries the opposite is true. In countries where child-rearing is to be nurturing it would be
unhealthy to force a child to sleep alone. James McKenna, Ph.D., Adjunct Professor of
Psychiatry and Neurology, University of California Irvine School of Medicine, states that co-
sleeping does not encourage dependency. He believes that children reach a stage of
independence when they are ready and will move to their own bed at that time. He believes it is
the parents job to provide a secure environment which allows a child’s independence to develop
naturally.
Many researchers contend that co-sleeping will lead to problems. However, closer examination
suggests that these researchers have defined anything that deviates from their own beliefs as a
problem. For example defined as a problem are such things as: 1. Resist sleeping alone, 2.
wakes up more frequently seeking companionship when forced to sleep alone, and 3. restless
sleep when sleeping alone. Supposedly these are problems brought about from the child
sleeping with the parents. However, it does not dawn upon them that it might be a problem
caused from not letting the child sleep with the parent.
One of the most cited arguments against co-sleeping is marriage and sex. However, a Swedish
study found that the parents’ marital relations were not harmed by having a child sleep with
them and it did not cause a rise in the divorce rate. If both parents agree co-sleeping does not
contribute to marital conflict. It will not work if the parents do not want the child to co-sleep.
Parents who allow their children to co-sleep simply go to a different room, move the sleeping
child to another room, or temporarily move the sleeping child to a mattress on the floor.
When should a children begin sleeping by themselves? Most children voluntarily leave their
parents bed at some time. Experiences of those parents who have allowed their children to sleep
with them indicate children should be given credit that, provided the home environment is
healthy, they will mature. As each need is fulfilled at each stage, they will move on and become
more mature. The issue should be how the child leaves the parental bed, not when. Parents can
begin by putting the child on a mattress next to their bed and gradually move him to his own
room or a sibling’s room when the child is ready. Studies show that siblings who sleep together
quarrel less.
There are benefits to co-sleeping. Sleeping with a familiar person smooths the transition from
one sleep state to the next and lessens a child’s anxiety. If the child awakens he or she can be
helped to resettle before he or she fully awakens. Children who do not have another person
there to help resettle might use their “blankie” or a teddy for this. For young children who have
not developed object permanence the parent must be there for this. Co-sleeping gives the child a
feeling of security, protection, and of being loved. There is no need to feel afraid and the body
heat of another person is very comforting. Studies have shown that children who co-sleep
awaken less often, have fewer nightmares, and have fewer night time disturbances. These
children experience sleep as a pleasant time of closeness while children who sleep alone,
especially if they do not want to, experience it as a fearful time of separation. If the young child
is awakened and the parent is not there he or she can not comprehend that the parent is in
another room. The parent may also benefit from co-sleeping. Because of the physical closeness
the parent and the child often share sleep cycles. The child usually awakens during light sleep
cycles. The parent is likely to be in light sleep also. Thus the parent can settle the child without
his or her sleep cycle being seriously disturbed because awakening from a deep sleep cycle leads
to exhaustion. Because the parent is awakened less often from deep sleep he or she is less likely
to be groggy or feel sleep-deprived.
Fathers benefit from co-sleeping. Co-sleeping creates a closer bond between parents and the
child. Once they get use to it many fathers report feeling closer to their children. This also
allows fathers to spend more time with their children. Co-sleeping teaches a child to be
comfortable being in touch with a person. It does not substitute things such as a bottle, teddy
bear, blankie, etc., for people. Children who have co-slept with their parents demonstrate more
affection and appear better equipped to deal competently with social processes. Parents have
also verified that children who co-sleep with their parents appear to have a higher degree of
empathy for other family members.
Co-sleeping does not always mean the child is in the bed with the parent. Other arrangements
may be made. A child might sleep on a mattress on the floor next to the parents bed. It can also
mean the child is in the parents bed for part of the night and is moved to another bed after he or
she falls asleep. The child can always come back to the parents’ bed if he or she awakens and
chooses to do so. A parent can stay in a child’s bed until the child falls asleep and then move to
the parent’s bed. Sharing sleep requires that parents trust their own intuition rather than
unquestioningly accepting the norms of society.
|
Psycho-Educational Services | |
| Randall G. Hansen, Ph.D. |
October 18, 1998 |
Children of Divorce
What Should We Teach Children of Divorce?
Divorce can be much more difficult for children than for adults. Children do not necessarily have the emotional tools to deal with the breakup of a family. They may blame themselves. They may act out.
Children need to know that the divorce is not their fault. Mom and Dad may not be able to work things out but it is not the fault of the children.
Children need to know that their thoughts and feelings are normal. Things cannot always be the way children want and feelings of sadness, anger, and guilt are normal.
Children need to know that their thoughts and feelings are important. That others do care about their feelings and thoughts.
Children need to know that other children have experienced similar feelings and have come out all right. They need to know that they are not alone, that people care, that other people have survived divorce.
Children need to know it is OK for parents to cry, that the parent needs to work things through just as the children need to do so.
Children need to know that in spite of everything that is happening, they will be taken care of and have their needs met.
Children need to know that there are people to whom they can talk, that counselors, parents, and friends will listen.
Children need to know that there are things they can do to help them get their feelings out and begin to feel better.
Children need to know that even though their parents are getting divorced, they are still loved.
Children need to see their parents cooperating in the children's interests.
What Children of Divorce Do Not Need
Children do not need parents to say bad things about the other parent in front of them.
Children do not need to be excluded from the decision making process.
Children do not need to be allowed to manipulate parents and play off the other.
Children do not need to have one parent plan something exciting when the child is gone with the other parent. The message is, "You have missed out on something good by not staying with me."
Children do not need to be made to feel sorry for a parent. They have enough guilt already.
Children do not need to be pressured to take sides.
Children do not need to spend long periods of time with either parent. They need to maintain peer relationships and keep as normal a schedule as possible.
Children do not need to see their parents fighting.
Games Children Play
When parents become divorced children may make an attempt at manipulation.
It is normal for children to talk about things. Children will talk about what they had to eat at the other parent's home, what they did, how they were disciplined and by whom. They will talk about what others said about the other parent, themselves, relatives, etc. They will talk about how they were treated by step-parents, step-siblings, parents, boyfriends and girlfriends of parents etc.
Five reasons children tell stories are: Power, divert focus off own behavior, keep parents connected, get what they want, and to gain approval.
Power: Some parents react to everything the children say. This gives children tremendous power over the parent. Parents should not over react to comments made by the children. If they have genuine concerns check out with the other parent what is happening before drawing any conclusions. Do not make accusations but inquire into the situation.
Keep Focus Off Own Behavior: Children may tell stories about others to keep focus off their own behavior. They may have failing grades or did not get their homework done. They may say, "I don't have time to do my homework at Dad's." or "Mom's." whatever the case may be. Check it out. Parental communication is essential.
Keep Parents Connected: Children may say and do things in an attempt to get mom and dad back together or may set them up for a fight. Either way it keeps both parents involved in their lives.
Get What They Want: Children may say and do things in an attempt to get one or both parents to try to out do the other. They may attempt to make one parent feel guilty for not doing something they want or for not buying something they want. They may say things like, "Mom lets us stay up late. You're mean!"
For Approval: Children may tell each parent what they believe the parent wants to hear. They do this for love and attention.
Children will attempt to manipulate parents. Parents should check out what the child says without making accusations and in a nonthreatening way before drawing conclusions. Parental communication is important.
Children's Response to Divorce
Children of all ages are affected by the divorce of their parents. How they respond may differ depending upon the age level of the child.
An infant's feelings of emotional security are dependent upon having their needs met and upon the emotional state of the parents. They can sense anger and tenseness. During the first part of life the child develops trust. They learn to trust that their needs will be met or they learn to mistrust and doubt that their needs will be met. If they do not develop trust at this stage it will greatly affect how they behave all through life.
From three and a half to five years old children think in terms of themselves and immediate needs. They are connected to the present, the here and now. They believe the world revolves around them and this gives them a sense of power. They frequently blame themselves for the divorce. They may return to earlier behavior patterns. There may be toilet training problems, they may begin sucking their thumb, etc. Children in this age group may withdraw and detach themselves from the absent parent in an effort to protect themselves from the pain of the loss. They may become upset after visiting or seeing the absent parent because they had to go through the experience of separation again. However, it should be noted that this is much more preferable to having children who suppress or deaden their feelings because of no contact with the other parent. Not seeing the other parent can lead to feelings of abandonment, guilt, and low self-esteem.
Five and six year old children deal primarily with the present. They may also regress to an earlier stage and act like younger children. They are fearful about the immediate future. They want to know what will happen next. Parents need to be specific when answering questions concerning, "What happens now?" Children at this age may talk about their feelings and show relief when matters are settled. Children at this age may have difficulty expressing their feelings and may not understand them. They may act out and become angry but can not explain why. If you ask them why they may not know or give you an answer that really is not accurate. Counseling can help your child at this time.
Six to ten year old children think ahead. They predict as well as look back. They want to assume more responsibility for the family and may make attempts to reunite the parents. They are aware of their intense anger and may show it. They may be demanding, dictatorial, and may scold either or both parents. They may feel fearful, powerless, and unsure of their place in the world. School performance may drop. You may see such behaviors as petty stealing, lying, and acting out. These children need strong parental support from both parents. Separation fears may increase with this age group. They may ask questions like, "Will I still have my friends? Will I still have my room? Will I still have my toys?" They may not want to go to school, have stomach aches or headaches, and want to be with the parent because they are afraid that mother or father will also be gone when they get home from school.
Adolescents are perfectionists and want their parents to be perfect. They must come to terms with the conflicts which result between the idealized parent image in their minds and the more realistic parental figures of real life. This can be very painful. These children are aware of the reality of divorce. They may not want to be involved in their parents' arguments. They worry about money in terms of specifics. They may ask, "Will I still be able to buy a car? Will I be able to buy new clothes? Will I be able to go to college?" They are more aware. They may ask, "What will my marriage be like? Will it last?" They are more aware of sexual feelings and may feel more stress in regards to their parents' sexuality.
Children of all ages are affected by divorce. Parents need to be aware of the children's needs. Counseling can be very beneficial for the entire family during the stressful times experienced by divorce.
Bibliography
Broward Community College: Parent Handbook, "Child's Refusal to Go With Parent". Fort Lauderdale, FL
Broward Community College: Parent Handbook, "Games Children Play / Manipulation". Fort Lauderdale, FL
Broward Community College: Parent Handbook, "How Children Respond to Divorce". Fort Lauderdale, FL
Jewish Family Service: "Effects of Divorce on Children." WEB page.
Nightingale, Lois V.: My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They're Getting Divorced. Nightingale Counseling Center, Yorba Linda, CA
|
Psycho-Educational Services | |
| Randall G. Hansen, Ph.D. | October 17, 1998 |
Retention in Grade
Research Findings
There is a plethora of research on student retention. A pamphlet put out by the National Association of School Psychologists indicates that research demonstrates that children who are retained fair no better, academically, after being retained. Retained children more frequently drop out of school, never earning a diploma needed to enter the job market or attend college.
The National Mental Health and Education Center for Children and Families indicates that some groups of children are more likely to be retained than others. Those at highest risk for retention are male, Black or Hispanic, have a late birthday, delayed development, have parents with low educational attainment, come from single parent households, live in poverty, have attention problems or have changed schools.
While delayed entry and readiness classes may not hurt children in the short run, there is not evidence of a positive effect on either school achievement or adjustment. By adolescence these practices are associated with numerous health and emotional risk factors.
Retention is generally associated with poorer academic achievement when groups of retained children are compared to groups of similar children who are promoted. In other words when the study divided a group of students to be retained into two groups and promoted one group and retained the other group, the retained group had poorer academic achievement than the other group. The effects were greatest in reading, the primary academic delay for which students were retained.
Initial achievement gains may occur during the retention year, but the consistent trend across many research studies is that achievement declines within 2 to 3 years of such retention such that retained children either do no better or perform more poorly than similar groups of promoted children. This is true whether children are compared to same age or same grade students who were promoted.
Research demonstrates children who are the most delayed are most likely to be harmed by retention. Large percentages of retained children are either subsequently retained again or placed in special education particularly at the first grade level.
Retention appears to have a negligible effect, positive or negative, on overall school adjustment as measured by self-esteem inventories; however, retention is associated with significant increases in behavior problems as measured by behavior rating scales and problems become more pronounced as the child reaches adolescence.
At the secondary level being "old for grade," either due to retention or delayed school entry, is associated at adolescence with increased risk of school drop out, even for when achievement levels are controlled . Increased risk of health-compromising behaviors such as emotional distress, cigarette use, alcohol use, drug abuse, driving while drinking, use of alcohol during sexual activity, early onset of sexual activity, having suicidal intentions, and engaging in violent behaviors is documented. In addition, students who were not retained but attend school with a higher proportion of "old for grade" students are also at risk for increased substance abuse.
The negative effects of retention persist into adulthood. Grade repeaters as adults are more likely to be unemployed, living on public assistance or in prison than adults who did not repeat a grade.
Arthur Reynolds, et al, cited in an article in the California Special Education Observer indicates "retention does not have positive effects for most low achieving students and is often harmful to scholastic development, especially if it occurs early." They give four reasons for this:
First, the decision to retain is often made haphazardly and for nonacademic reasons. Retention is usually singled out for boys, minorities, low-income children, or those rated low in social adjustment.
Second, the decision to retain does not account for poor instruction. It is assumed that the teaching is adequate and the failure to achieve is the student's failure to learn.
Third, retained children do not do better academically after they are made to repeat a grade. A longitudinal study of over 1500 Chicago school children found that over time the retained students fell further and further behind.
Fourth, grade retention has the unintended effect of contributing to the school drop out problem and is associated with a forty-two percent increase in early school departure.
Another article by the National Mental Health and Education Center for Children and Families states:
Most children do not catch up when they are held back.
Although some retained students do better at first, these children often fall behind again in later grades.
Students who are held back tend to get into trouble, dislike school, and feel badly about themselves more than children who go on to the next grade.
"Transition" kindergarten is a type of retention and is no more helpful than promotion to first grade.
Many students who drop out of school were held back one, two, or more grades.
Alternatives to Retention
A number of alternatives are available to retention. The question is, "Is the school willing to do what it takes to make students successful?" Alternatives to retention are:
Actively encourage parent involvement in the children's education.
Use developmentally appropriate instruction.
Use multi-age grouping in classrooms where teachers have been trained to work with mixed-age and ability populations.
Develop effective early reading programs such as "Success for All," "Reading Recovery," and "Direct Instruction."
Establish effective school-based mental health programs such as "The Primary Mental Health Project."
Use teacher assistance teams to identify specific learning or behavior problems, design interventions to address those problems, and evaluate the efficacy of those interventions.
Make appropriate use of special education services for children with educational disabilities.
Provide participation in extended year programs.
Provide participation in extended day programs.
Provide participation in tutoring programs with peer, cross-age, and adult tutors.
Design instructional modifications that accelerate progress.
Develop full-service schools to provide a community-based vehicle for organization and delivery of educational, social and health services to meet the diverse needs of at-risk students.
Why My Child? What Can Parents Do?
Schools may give many reasons for wanting to hold a child back even though there is no proof that repeating a grade is helpful. These may be:
Poor academic skills, "Susie has difficulty keeping up with the other children. She just is not ready for the next grade."
Immaturity, "Larry is one of the youngest children in the class. He needs another year and more time to grow up."
Small size, "Nicholas is so small. He is the smallest one in the class. He will fit in better with the class behind him."
Absences, "Lindy missed so much school this year. She just has not had the time or chance to learn."
Limited English language skills, "Maria has not developed her English well enough to do the work in the next grade."
When children are held back they have the same work and the same lessons that did not work the first time. So what can parents do?
Parents and teachers can work together to help a child be successful.
Parents can talk to the child's teacher often about class work.
Ask about homework and find a quiet place and time for your child to complete the work.
Make sure your child goes to school every day, eats balanced meals, gets enough sleep, and receives good medical care to stay healthy and alert.
Let your child know that you think school is very important.
Find out more about the school program. Are there other ways to present lessons that might help your child learn better?
Bibliography
California Special Education Observer, News and Information From the Parent Perspective: "Grade Retention" Issue 14, Spring 1998.
National Association of School Psychologists: "Should My Child Repeat a Grade?", brochure, Bethesda, MD.
National Mental Health and Education Center for Children and Families: "Grade Retention", April 1998.
National Mental Health and Education Center for Children and Families: "Should My Child Repeat a Grade?", 1998.
This site was designed by Randall G. Hansen, Ph.D. Its contents are presented for informational and educational purposes only, and
are not to be construed as professional advice on medical, legal, technical or therapeutic matters. By using and accessing the
information on this site, you agree to waive any rights to hold the site developer, or any individual and/or group associated with this
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