Man calls home.
Maid answers phone.
He says, "Can I speak to my wife?"
She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend."
He's maid--says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both."
Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok."
5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead.
What should I do with the bodies?"
He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home."
She says, "We don't have a pool."
He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"
An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife.
She says, "Well what was that for?"
He says, "Thats for 40 years of rotten sex!"
She doesn't reply and they start rocking again.
All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.
He says, "Well what was that for?"
She says, "That's for knowing the difference!"
Then later, you and your friend that had stepped on the white bunny rabbit were walking along and saw your other friend making out with an even wrost looking person!! The 2 of you ask your friend why he/she is making out with this ugly person. The friend says,
"I stepped on the white bunny rabbit"
Now, the 2 friends who stepped on the white bunny rabbit are walking and see YOU making out with this beautiful model! The 2 friends ask you how you managed to get her/him. The model then turned around and says,
"I stepped on the white bunny rabbit"
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!"
The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Rednick says, "What's that noise?"
Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.
Mickey (stunned): Why not?
Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.
Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy... I said she was fu**ing Goofy!
A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"
One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back.
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said: "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah... My wife!"
Q: Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said "concentrate"!
Q: There are three third grade girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. Which one has the biggest breast?
A: The blonde.... she's 18!
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Very Gifted!
Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
A: Blow in her ear!
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions!
Q : How do you really confuse a blonde?
A : Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner!
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought!
Q: What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brunette?
A: Artificial intellegence
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
A: It took her 2 weeks to figure out that you could play it at night!
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish?
A: She tried to drown it!
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it!
Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees!
A blonde said that she was getting tired of men telling DUMB Blonde jokes, and promised to give the next man telling a dumb blond joke, a piece of her mind. At lunch time she went to a restraunt with a friend of hers and as they sat waiting to be served they heard some men at the next table telling dumb blonde jokes.
Immediately she stood up and yelled at the two men, "I will have you guys to know, that all blondes are not dumb, as a matter of fact I am a very well educated blond and have even received a Doctorate degree from college."
Oh is that so, one of the men replied. "Then why don't you tell us the capital of Wyoming?"
She replied immediately, " That's easy...W!"
What is the only intelligent blonde?
A Labrador
What's the difference between a blonde man and a blonde woman?
The woman has more sperm.
Why do blondes wear those sock-like things on their ankles?
To keep their ears warm.
Why can't blondes get drivers licenses?
During the test, whenever the car stops, they jump in the back seat.
Why are there no blonde ranchers?
They can't keep their calves together.
A guy took a blonde out on a date. Eventually they ended up parked
at a "lovers point" where they started making out.
After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so
he asked her "Do you want to go in the back seat?"
"NO!" she answered.
Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet.
Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and
things are getting really hot, so he asks again, "Do you want to go in the back seat?"
"NO!" she answers again.
Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even
has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now.
"Do you want to go in the back seat?" he asks again.
"NO!" she answers yet again.
Frustrated, he demands "Well, why not!"
"Because I want to stay up here with you!"
*****
BLONDE: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
MAN: "It's 3:15."
BLONDE: (puzzled look on her face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
*****
Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
*****
Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see
where the sun went ? It finally dawned on her.
*****
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
On her way home she drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
*****
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people are leaving.
*****
Did you know Sherwin Williams has a new paint color out? Yes, it is called
"Blonde". Yes its not real bright but it spreads easy!!!
*****
A brunette and a blond go sky diving.
As the plane starts to turn towards the jump run the two of them figure out
the order by which they were going to jump out of the plane. The 1st is the
blond and 2nd the brunette.
So the blond jumps out counts to ten and pulls the ripcord, the chute opens
up, no problem. The brunette jumps, counts to ten, pulls the cord but the chute
doesn't pop, she tries the emergency, no luck either, so she's plummeting to her
certain demise.
On the way down the brunette zooms past the blond.
"Ah, so you want to race huh?"
So the blond undoes her parachute.
*****
This blond goes in to a salon to get her hair cut. She's wearing a pair of
headphones, and the stylist says that he can't cut her hair with the
headphones on. She replies "No, you have to cut around the headphones, I
can't take them off". They argue about this for a few minutes, he finally
agrees to cut her hair around the headphones, but he will have to charge her
extra. She says, "That's ok, go ahead and cut it".
So he cuts her hair, and although it looks strange because of the
headphones, she's happy with it. So a few weeks later she comes in again.
Again she wants her hair cut around the headphones. He says, "No way, not
this time, this time I'm taking the headphones off". So he takes off the
headphones and throws them on the floor. He starts cutting her hair, and a
few minutes later, she falls out of the chair to the floor, dead. He
wonders what in the world is happening, so he picks up the headphones and
puts them on. He hears "breathe in... breathe out...breathe in... breathe
out..."
*****
How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
The Joy Stick is wet.
What do you call a bee flying into a blonde's ear?
Space Invader
What is a blond's idea of safe sex?
Locking the car doors.
What does a blond say after sex?
Are you guys from the same team?
Why don't blondes take longer than half an hour for lunch?
Because they have to be retrained.....
What is the mating call of a blonde?
I am sooo drunk......
What is the definition of a smart blonde?
There is none.........
she showers at a car wash
when she sites around the house, she REALLY sits around the house
yo' father put the bathroom mirror inside the medicine cabinet
her own shadow is afraid of her
she scuba dives in the fish bowl
she could ride on the back of a roach, and her legs would still dangle
she cooks with Old Spice
she got hit by a parked car!
scientists claim she's the missing link
when I told her to act her age, she dropped dead
Yo' Mama's so Ugly
Yo' Mama's so Short
Yo' Mama's so Stupid
Yo' Mama's so Old
