*saturday, march 30
I don't really know what to say. My mind is... focusing in and out of life... and... I'm not sure. It's made me cry.
I guess everyone has their own love story. I tried to explain the difference between faeries and angels to the goddamn hall monitor... that is, the difference between beings of spirit and beings of emotion and earth. I suppose everyone is just a being of emotion, but obviously different from the faeries because ours twist and turn and mix up like their games but ours aren't games. They're stories.
I sort of made a phrase for myself... to try to convince myself to open my mind... I told myself I was stuck in 'my own little world.' And tonight I couldn't tell if that world was expanding or getting smaller but as I stared at the pavement I just knew something was wrong... a specific thing, at the time... and that I was going to cry. So I did.
I try to let myself out of my own little world, but it's hard. Sometimes I'm not really sure what counts and what doesn't (like now) and sometimes I forget. I have to go to bed in the next seven minutes... I have to get up early for church tomorrow... and I'm trying... not to go on ICQ. Icq isn't real life- I'm starting to wonder if it doesn't shove me into my own world the most. Sometimes I want to go outside, but I don't really know where I would go. Toronto is so big I know there are places I'm never going to see. Even today I noticed that I'm not sure of the spot where Bloor turns into the Danforth (the bridge? I was thinking maybe the bridge doesn't have a name. It seemed... like magic... That is, as we know, in terms of the word the way I use it). I'm also not sure what Bloor looks like if you keep walking west of ossington. Maybe one day I'll do that. I also want to, one day, walk from Queen (station) down into the beaches. I've ridden the streetcar there before, but it doesn't let me stop in the restaurants and smell the sticky fruit outside of the supermarket or look at the water as long as I'd like.
I've obviously gotten off track here, but considering I'm not going to explain to you everything I heard tonight and the different stories of love in it's various forms this weekend, just try to absorb what I wrote. See if you can know what I meant. Maybe it's there in you too.
~check ya later
