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January 12
I’ve never felt comfortable sharing my feelings and thoughts to people unless it’s on paper. There is something both cowardly and brave about writing, and I find this duality appealing. Writing is cowardly in that a writer hides behind a book, an editorial, a story, a poem, a screenplay, protected from any initial reactions from readers. The bravery comes from the fact that what a writer writes is forever etched somewhere. The writer has allowed him or herself to be documented for a future audience who may not take too kindly to what was written. The writer is not that hidden, after all. Maybe after I’m long dead, someone may find my little notes and may be able to figure out what went wrong with my life.
So, I, the brave coward write this on my lunch break, mere inches from people who will never really know who I am. All I have ever allowed them to glimpse of me is the gal sitting in the back who hardly says anything at all. That’s not to say I would like all of them to just leave me alone. I’m picky who I choose to have meaningful, in-person contact with, and I’m not exactly sure why.
Take Kelsey, for example. He seems like a real nice person and in the time I’ve spent working with him, I’ve grown fond of him. A little bit on the skinny side, but I still think he’s cute. Best part is that he’s friendly and works hard. I had to train him at the work we do—we write those little, rolled-up monthly astrology forecasts you see at supermarket checkout registers—and having him there just makes work a little more bearable. At the very least, he’s something very cute I can sneak a stare at from behind my computer screen. (Hee! Hee!) At the very most, he’s a wonderful person to hang around based on few times we’ve had lunch together... Yeah, I know, I’m stuck on him.
Then, there’s Jason. I like talking to him not because I feel attracted to him, or that he’s a hottie, but I feel comfortable talking to him. Not swept off my feet like I am with Kelsey, but more grounded. I guess he’s like the brother I never had—even though I grew up with five of them—but the brother who just listened instead of calling me names. Jason is a heavier-built young man, yet friendly, and armed with a quirky sense of humor.
Besides Kelsey and Jason, I don’t really connect with anyone here. Maybe that’s why I want to leave this job, why I want to leave this place. But there’s probably more to it than that... There always is.
Nothing changes much as a horoscope writer. I’d spend weeks writing next month’s forecast, wait an eternity for editors to edit it—an hour at most—and make revisions a few days before the horoscope goes to print. Pretty straightforward and monotonous stuff. The only real interesting part was making sure the horoscope was vague enough to be applicable to everyone, but specific enough to seem like it was written for whoever opened the wrapper... Ah, the art of "ambiguous specificity." That’s what Jason called it. The whole astrology industry is pretty cruel when you think about it. Thousands of people buy into astrology, looking for answers to life’s most important questions: will I find my soulmate? what are the winning lottery numbers? am I going through my Saturn retrograde? But like most things in life, it’s all a sham. Just like professional wrestling. If people really found out, how would they react? Hopefully, like Jason did when he discovered his favorite professional sport was scripted, right down to the backstage interviews...
"So it’s fake. It’s still nice to look at."
Now that I think about it, I’m not even sure we were talking about professional wrestling...
Anyway, Hemingway called all writers liars... Well, he must’ve been talking about horoscope writers because that’s what I was paid to do. Make up forecasts, throw in some Venuses passing Uranuses, and voila! A peek into the near future. The funny thing was that I wasn’t too concerned back then. It was my first job, I needed money. And people like Kelsey and Jason made it seem a lot more fun.
Kelsey came to work as a horoscope writer because he needed the extra money.
"I’ve been writing plays," he told me over our first lunch together. "Nothing major," then he laughed that really cute laugh of his. "You don’t know how hard it is to sell a play around here."
"You’re telling me," I said.
Of course, I didn’t know a damn thing about selling plays. I did self-publish a bunch of short stories, and I thought there was some kind of cosmic, soulmate-like connection there. So, I told him—about the cosmic, soulmate-like connection, that is. The only response he could manage was that cute laugh of his. For me, that was like a slice of heaven with two cups of ice-blended bliss.
Jason, on the other hand, came to work as a horoscope writer because he needed a less-stressful job.
"I worked as a receptionist for a marketing firm," he said. "I never thought the idea of making coffee could give me an anxiety attack."
I asked him why, flashing a smile at Kelsey as he walked by.
"Some people want decaf, some don’t, some who want decaf don’t want cream but milk, some who don’t want decaf want soy milk... And then there’s those who want a splotch of cream and those who want a lot more... What the hell is a splotch? And how in the name of Mike is that different from a lot more?"
Like I said, Jason was armed with a quirky sense of humor. To this day, he still won’t tell me who Mike is.
A day in my life would be as follows:
Yeah, I know, it seems pretty sad. A pretty girl like me, home alone, pining for some guy at work. Why don’t I ask him out? A lot of reasons:
I talked to Jason about it, who said to wait. After I waited, he told me that Kelsey was interested in older women, liked to party a lot. Now, Jason knows I’m pretty mello: I like small, intimate gatherings rather than dancing up a storm at a local nightclub. Obviously, I was suspicious, so I did a little probing of my own.
"Are you dating anyone?" I asked Kelsey on our second lunch together.
"Actually, I started dating someone a few weeks ago."
I had to think fast to cover my tracks. "Aw, shucks, I know someone at work who was asking about your availability."
"Availability? You make it seem like I’m a gigolo." And he laughed that wonderful laugh of his.
"You know what I mean, silly." And then I directed the conversation back to work. He never did ask who that "someone at work" was. But, it didn’t matter. I was crushed.
What really sucked about the whole thing was that I sat next to Kelsey, and not even once did I hear him receive a phone call from his "girlfriend." Just calls from his playwright friends and agent. Could he be lying?
Then I met his girlfriend. Wow. It’s been said that a pretty woman attracts the attention of the men she walks past, while a beautiful woman attracts the attention of both men and women she walks past... Clearly, Kelsey’s girlfriend was the latter. She was skinny like me, but she had fat in all the right places, if you know what I mean. And what really did it for me was that she wasn’t a stupid blond. She was a doctor! And I’m just a horoscope writer... Her rock smashes my scissors, I lose.
Before I met Kelsey and Jason, things were getting downright boring for me at work. I had gotten over the usual euphoria that sets in when one gets their first job, and was really hating writing those dumb horoscopes. That’s when Jason signed up and it was nice meeting someone who I could relate to. Then, Kelsey came aboard and things really started looking up. I guess love can do that to a person, that whole rose-colored glasses thing. Then, I met Kelsey’s girlfriend...With my Muse belonging to someone else, things started to get that dreary shade of black again.
Jason tried to cheer me up, bless his big heart.
"You don’t need that guy," he said. "He’s a playwright. You know how unstable those guys are."
Of course I didn’t know how unstable playwrights were. I tried to laugh, or at least smile at the comment but no good. My life just sucked.
The strange part was that the quality of my work didn’t suffer. As a matter of fact, I became more efficient. When it would take most horoscope writers three weeks to finish a forecast, I did it in one week. But instead of submitting my forecast for editing, I’d wait a few weeks and pretend I was still working on it. I used the extra time to look for a job on the Internet. But I didn’t find anything interesting.
So, I’m stuck here at this fortune telling job. The man of my dreams, whose desk is next to mine, out of my reach. He will never know my feelings for him—at least from me—and if he did, oh boy, that would be a doozy.
I can hear him laughing down the hallway, as he returns from having lunch with that doctor-babe-girlfriend of his. Every time I hear his laugh now, I can’t help but wince a little.
God, I hate this place.
TO BE CONTINUED.
April 3
Jason and I got into an interesting discussion about fate, if there was a recommended path we were all meant to follow. Before I got this job, I didn’t believe in fate. I thought I was in control of my life and the possible directions I could go in were too many to count. So said the naive maiden before she became a fortune teller. Now, I’m not so sure. Jason didn’t really help, either.
"It’s really scary to think that we’re all like cable cars."
"Cable cars?" I saw Kelsey flash me a smile as he walked by. I pretended not to see him.
"Yeah, you know how cable cars actually move around city streets on tracks?"
"Uh-huh."
"Well, I think we’re like that."
"How so?"
"Uh, not exactly sure." Jason scratched his head a little. "But something’s telling me that we’re all like cable cars."
Yep, Jason wasn’t much help.
When I got back to my desk that day, Kelsey started talking to me. Ever since I found out about his significant other, I’ve tried to minimize any contact I have with him, which is kind of hard since we sit next to each other. On any other day, I would just say good morning. When I leave, I’d say goodnight. Occasionally, he would say something funny and I would laugh just to be polite. Or he’d ask me for some help and I’d give him the help he needed. Otherwise, I didn’t try to initiate any conversations with him. Did he know I was avoiding him? Maybe. Anyone looking from the outside-in would’ve noticed that I wasn’t as chatty with him as I was before.
So, on the day me and Jason had that conversation about fate, Kelsey starts talking to me for no particular reason.
"Have you’ve been real busy? You hardly say a thing nowadays."
"Just trying to get some work done, that’s all." My eyes stayed glued to my computer screen, hoping to avoid making eye contact.
He peered around my monitor. I continued to stare at my screen, hoping the feint would convince him of the urgent work that had to be done. "A lot of stuff to get done?" he asked.
"Yeah."
Then he started talking about how he finally saw a movie I recommended to him earlier, before my change of heart. I didn’t want to come off as rude—that’ll get me fired before I’ve had a chance to find another job—so, I gave in, just a little. We spent ten minutes talking about movies and other things. It actually felt good being able to talk to him again like this, but I didn’t want to prolong this euphoria longer than necessary. So, I tried to end the conversation, but then he, to use Jason’s terminology, sucker-punched me.
"Hey, what are you doing for lunch?"
When I told Jason that Kelsey and I had lunch together, he tried his best to provide a reality check.
"You don’t need him. You know how unstable those playwright guys are..." Seeing how his comments were drawing no real positive response from me, he added: "You heard that one before, huh?"
"Oh, I hate this, Jason. I can’t make up my mind about him. Either I’m in love with him and want to start dating him, which is a no-no, I know. Or I wished I never met him and pretend like he doesn’t exist, which is not exactly a good idea, too."
"I don’t think you ever really got over him."
That’s not good. And it doesn’t help that Kelsey and I are beginning to talk to each other more, like we did when we first met. I guess love is funny that way. Or fate.
When I was little, Andrew was my best friend. We hung out a lot. He didn’t mind playing house, and I didn’t mind riding my bike with him as he pretended to be some spaceship captain or something. I can honestly say that he was my first love. I even remember us saying to each other that we’d get married when we got older... Fast forward a few years to high school... Andrew and I were still good friends then even though we were seeing other people. Towards the end of high school, we started dating each other, which was great.
Once in college, I started to go through my soul-searching phrase, which is still going on as I write this, and I realized that I didn’t love Andrew as much as he loved me. At least not as much as I did when I was a little girl.
I arranged for us to have a talk. I told him flatly that I didn’t love him as he did me.
A lot women who have been denied by men they’re in love with always say they’d like to do the same back unto them, to break their men’s hearts instead. Well, the night I told Andrew that I didn’t love him as much as he did me, I might as well have told him I didn’t love him at all.
Right there, in front of me, I saw Andrew’s heart was breaking. And not all at once. It was like witnessing a meltdown, a China syndrome. It’s called that because it was a play on the idea of digging a hole so deep it would reach China. Well, in this case, Andrew’s heart was melting and I was sure at the time that it would burn a gaping hole that would swallow us both.
It’s pretty strange that after so many years, I find myself falling for a man who can’t fall for me, and I end up having my heart broken, not all at once, but slowly. I thought I had gotten over Kelsey, but I guess it’ll take a while before I hit bottom. And as I wait for that to happen, things like this, like Kelsey starting conversations with me and I having to be adult about things and not be rude, just make it harder for my heart to break completely and for me to be over him.
Some would call it fate, others would call it karma. And Jason would probably call it a really bad cable car accident.
Like I mentioned earlier, Kelsey was a playwright. When he wasn’t earning grocery money writing horoscopes like me and Jason, he was furiously at work writing plays and trying to get them produced. For several years, most of his plays were produced by small production companies only, community theatre stuff. When I had lunch with him, I found out that a play he’d just completed was going to be produced by a major company over in the downtown area. He wanted me to join him to watch the play on opening night.
Bells, whistles, air sirens were going off in my head when he asked me to watch the play. Where was his girlfriend? Out of town? Performing open-heart surgery? Dating someone else? I had to proceed carefully.
I told him I’d be happy to join him on opening night.
Jason, again, protested the whole idea, saying that it was bad, bad, bad. I told Jason that his protest was duly noted and that he wasn’t much help on the matter anymore. After I said that, the conversation ceased and Jason said he had some real work to do... I guess he was a little upset with me... What else could go wrong?
Kelsey’s play opened to a huge crowd that loved every quirky minute of it. The premise: the lives of four friends are told in a series of nonsequential scenes. The sequence of events can be very confusing if you’re not paying attention, but that was the beauty of it. The audience loved having to figure out what happened when and to who. Personally, I thought it was genius. But then, again, I have my biases.
After the play, Kelsey took me to a real nice restaurant and we started talking.
"The crowd’s response was incredible," said Kelsey.
"I think that’s an understatement." I paused, then the opportunist in me came to life. "Too bad your girlfriend wasn’t here to see it."
"Well, yeah... She’s off in New England giving a presentation..." Kelsey looked down at his glass of water, then took a drink from it.
"Do you two see each other often?"
"We try. But she’s an expert in her field, so she travels around a lot."
"And you’re busy writing plays."
"Yup. Got to love relationships in the modern age."
"Yeah, no kidding." Without thinking, I stirred the ice cubes in my glass of water and then took a big sip. I remember wanting some whiskey or something at the time, even though I never did like hard liquor.
"So, are you and Jason a thing?"
"Jason? From work?" I laughed. "Oh, of course not. We’re like brother and sister." Now, from my limited understanding of the male ego, a gal saying a guy is like a brother to her is literally the kiss of death in terms of the gal and the guy having more than a friendship. Good thing Jason wasn’t there to hear what I said. Jason may be a good pal, but something was telling me that if he heard my brother-sister remark... Let’s just say he might take it the wrong way.
"You two are always talking... There’s got to be something there between you two."
"No, not at all." I laughed, again. I started to feel a little uncomfortable.
"He really seems like I nice guy..."
I tried to remain lady-like, but this was getting a little too much, Kelsey or no Kelsey. "Are you trying to set me up with him?" I think that worked.
"Huh? Oh, no," said Kelsey. "Sorry if I seem a little pushy. I just thought I saw a connection there. I guess love can do that to you. You want the rest of the world to experience what you’re feeling."
I laughed a little. "Don’t worry about it. I’m flattered by your selflessness." Of course, that was a lie, but I didn’t want to prolong this any more than necessary. Luckily, our food came and that allowed me to deflect attention away.
"Wow, that looks really good." I looked at Kelsey’s plate. It had lightly marinated mahi-mahi on it. "What did you order again?"
When Kelsey took me home, instead of giving me a hug, he gave me a light kiss on the cheek—oh, that wonderful, wonderful man!/oh, that bastard!—and told me we’d talk tomorrow. About what, I didn’t know, but I started feeling confused after I let myself in my apartment.
I checked my answering machine, expecting a message from my mom. She always called me on Wednesday nights. Instead, it was someone else.
"Hi, it’s Jason. I’m really sorry about earlier today, when I stomped away from our conversation." I just stood there, feeling more confused than ever.
TO BE CONTINUED.
June 5
It’s been months since the confusion started. And it only got worse.
I was really, really hating the horoscope job now, so I thought if I couldn’t find a new job, I’ll find more things to do outside of work. The hard part was figuring out what my new hobby, or hobbies would be. For starters, I enrolled in a drawing class at the local community college.
The class was pretty fun. The instructor would tell us to read this or that textbook, but the best part was the drawing assignments. I never really paid attention to my surroundings until I took the class. Then I started to notice the inherent symmetry of tree leaves, or the right angles of buildings. At work, whenever I was bored, I’d just draw. During my lunch breaks, I’d just sit outside and draw. It was great. My kindergarten art teacher wasn’t kidding when she wrote on the chalkboard one day, "Drawing is Fun."
Kelsey and Jason noticed my interest in drawing. And both approved in their own way.
Kelsey: "I’m glad you’re branching out into other forms of creativity."
Jason: "Those are some really cool drawings. I wish I was that artistic."
For a while, I didn’t think about Kelsey or what he said about me and Jason, or about guys in general. All I thought about was me. My apartment became decorated with drawings and sketches. I even submitted some of my work to the community college library to put on display. Not once did I think about being by myself, "guyless." I actually thought I really didn’t need a man at all.
In the drawing class, we started sketching nude models. These people weren’t called models for nothing. They were very beautiful. But even within that tiny area we called beautiful, there was still some room for diversity. Some women were voluptuous, others were rather waifish. Some men were muscular, others were skinny. Depending on your tastes, any one of these body types was the most beautiful. All the models also radiated some kind of aura. Some were inviting while others were mysterious... There was some kind of beauty in that, too.
As I was prepping for class, I recognized the model for the day’s session. It was Jason. I hid behind my easel just enough so he wouldn’t see all of my face. I was already sitting in the back of the class, but you can never be too careful. When class started and he disrobed, I started feeling just as uncomfortable as I did the night Kelsey asked about me and Jason. My God, there was Jason, in all his nakedness, standing there!
I tried to not see Jason there; I tried to see something I wanted to draw. But, it was getting too weird and I was having a hard time drawing naturally. I felt like a sister accidentally catching a glance of her older brother getting out of the shower or something. But, he’s not my brother, right?
I was so relieved when he started to put on his robe and left the room. Class was over. I gathered my things and tried to forget everything. I had put my portfolio in the trunk and was about to open the car door when someone called my name.
"Hey, I didn’t know you were taking drawing classes here," said Jason. He wasn’t wearing his robe, but clothes instead. Now, wouldn’t that be truly weird if he was still wearing his robe?
"Yeah, I am." I started feeling that weird feeling again. "The classes are cheaper here." I thought for a moment. I wasn’t carrying any of my drawing stuff. "How did you know I was taking a drawing class?"
Jason blushed a little. I never saw him embarrassed before. "I, uh, saw you in the back of class... I was the..."
"Yeah, I know... I, uh, noticed, you, too." I started to blush a little as well, although I wasn’t sure why. "You never told me you did nude modeling."
Jason laughed. "Not exactly something you tell your friends over lunch. You never told me you drew pictures of naked models."
"Not my preference, but it gives me something to look at." I chuckled nervously.
"I guess we’re both surprised. I got another class to moon. See you at work tomorrow."
"Same here. Uh, the seeing you tomorrow part, that is." I got in my car and drove off into one of many hazy sunsets that seem to be the norm around here.
It’s been said that guys evaluate a gal on looks and gals evaluate a guy on personality... A stereotype, of course, but it tends to be true unless you’re a really cute guy from some boy band. (Like ***** from *****. Always thought he was cute.) I’ve always liked Jason. Maybe not in the same way I liked/had the hots for Kelsey, but I really liked Jason. And then seeing him there in the drawing class in his birthday suit... I wasn’t completely desensitized to his vulnerable state, but I did notice something and it wasn’t the size of his feet. His demeanor was totally different. Remember that aura I said all the nude models had? Well, Jason had it, too. Oddly enough, I found it really comforting. Am I little disturbed to think that? I don’t know. I do know that after working with someone so long, you’d think you know them pretty well. Then they do something like pose nude in front of you, something you never expected, and your eyes are wide open—both literally and figuratively in my case—and your perception of that person has changed.
I got into work one day and things were different. At first, I couldn’t put my finger on it. Then I realized it was Kelsey. Other than returning my morning greeting, he hadn’t said a word. I guess there’s a first for everything, so I left things at that. Kelsey’s sudden oath of silence wasn’t such a big deal then. When Kelsey’s muted state continued for a couple of weeks, I got a little concerned. I asked him why he was so quiet for so long.
"I’m sorry, just don’t feel like being talkative," said Kelsey. He looked sad.
I immediately thought things were pretty bad between Kelsey and his girlfriend. "Are you and your girlfriend okay?" My heart skipped a beat in anticipation of his answer.
"...We spent some time together last week, but she’s out of town again."
I was getting a little excited. Bad as this may sound, the part of me that really wanted to be with Kelsey was hoping Kelsey and his woman parted ways. "Why? What’s wrong?" Without thinking, I had already got up out my seat and was hovering near Kelsey at his desk.
"My father passed away a few weeks ago," said Kelsey. He had begun to sniffle.
"Oh, I’m sorry." I grabbed a nearby box of tissue and offered it to him.
Kelsey pulled a couple of tissues and dabbed his nose. "That’s why I’ve been a little quiet lately."
"That’s understandable." I started to feel really bad because of my wanting to take advantage of the situation. And for what I said next. "Um, if you feel like talking... let me know."
Where did that come from?
That’s bad. I just acted like a guy would in that situation. Offering a sobbing gal a shoulder to cry on when in fact he’s not really interested in hearing what she has to say. Except I’m a gal and I was worried about Kelsey, even if it was just a little. I wanted him to feel better—and here’s where the line between altruism and selfishness gets a tad bit hazy. Did I want him to feel better in general, even if he didn’t talk to me? Or did I want him to feel better because he did talk to me? Again, more confusion. He has a girlfriend... but she’s not there for him in his time of need... I’m taking advantage of the situation... but he’s in pain and I want to help...
Kelsey never did take me up on that offer to talk, so in a way, I was spared from any further quandaries. Meanwhile, I was still drawing my spare time away. So much that people started to take notice—at the community college level anyway. More of my work was included in exhibitions and was praised and critiqued as being too amateurish. Strange that being amateurish can be both a blessing and a curse. When one of the drawings was going to be on display at the local museum, I invited Kelsey, his girlfriend, and Jason to attend the unveiling. Kelsey and his girlfriend because I just wanted to get over Kelsey once and for all and maybe having him and his girlfriend in the same room, and seeing them act as a couple with my own eyes this time around, would end my cardiac China syndrome. Jason because he was the subject of the drawing. Besides, it was my time to shine and I had a feeling things were going to change for the better.
The unveiling, for the most part, went off without a hitch. When the strings were pulled, the so-called veil covering my work fell away gracefully. Jason grinned a little.
"You think the type of charcoal you’re using makes my butt look too big?" asked Jason.
I laughed. "Hey, where’s Kelsey? Now, if there’s ever someone you wanted to moon..."
"Save it. I don’t want to make his girlfriend jealous."
Jason and I walked around the museum a bit, looking at the other exhibits. Jason sipped some of his champagne.
"Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be in love with someone else other than Kelsey?"
I was caught a little off guard by his question. Turnaround is fair, at least at the time. "What makes you ask?"
"Nothing really. It’s just that being in a museum with all this art, all these different perspectives, sometimes of the same subject... It just makes me think."
"Now that you mention it..." I paused.
"Yes?" Jason was looking at me. Looking at me in a way that was different from the way he would when we talked in the office. It must be the dress that I was wearing, I guess. Or something else entirely.
I took a sip from my glass. Yum, bubbly. "...Trying to imagine what it would be like if I was not in love with Kelsey would be very hard."
"Really?"
"It’s like asking a land frog if it could remember what it was like being a tadpole in the water." Now that I think about it, I’m not sure what I said made any sense. What did Jason call it? Ambiguous specificity?
"Spoken like a true horoscope writer."
I heard someone calling my name and saw Jason was smirking. As I turned around, Kelsey was walking over to us. He was by himself. Before I could ask, Jason did.
"Where’s your—?"
"She couldn’t make it," he said. "Sorry, I’m late." And he kissed me on the cheek.
"Oh, that’s okay." I could still feel his soft lips on my cheek... damn him... "You’re here now."
Jason cleared his throat. "I better go."
I got yanked out of my reverie. "What?"
"I have some things to take care of." Jason placed his empty glass on the tray of a passing waiter. "Kelsey, nice seeing you." He shook Kelsey’s hand. Jason then kissed me on the cheek as well. "Congrats, again, and I’ll talk to you later."
"Okay." And I watched Jason make his way through the crowd, swiping an appetizer from the tray of another waiter, and casually popping it in his mouth.
"You alright?" asked Kelsey.
"Yeah... I’m fine..." But I wasn’t so sure, not anymore. "So, where is she... really?"
TO BE CONTINUED.
October 6
A famous person once said that confusion is a good thing because we don’t like it, and it forces us to do something so that we’re no longer confused. Well, I hope somebody famous said it because it’ll justify what I planned to do next with my life.
I write this in a haze, my fast-food lunch not helping to clear my mind. It figures. The cheeseburger-and-fries society we live in offers very little in terms of keeping our hearts and minds full.
Yup, I must be losing it. Or I must be finally finding my way.
When I started writing this paper-based snapshot of my life, I was a little lost. Horoscope writing wasn’t doing it for me. What got me out of bed in the morning to make that twenty-mile commute, other than the need to pay the rent, was the friendship I had with two co-workers, one of whom I eventually fell in love with. As I tried to get over the fact that Kelsey was with someone else, I fell in love again. This time with drawing…
Right now, a couple sits nearby on what seems to be a first date. I could see that both are attracted to each other. They both sit close together, but not too close to disrespect each one’s personal space. Her eyes shimmer as she looks at him. He caresses her hand as he talks. She laughs softly and whispers something to him. He laughs and squeezes her hand gently…
Even though I can honestly call myself an artist now, eating, breathing, living my art—it’s taking a lot of effort to stop writing this right now and start sketching the first-time love blossoming between these two people—it could never fulfill all of my dreams. I want to fall in love with someone, and I want that same someone to fall in love with me. I want to marry this person. I want us to raise a family. I want us to be happy. I want to be happy.
It turned out that Kelsey and his girlfriend broke up the night my nude drawing of Jason was unveiled at the museum. He said that during the time his father died, it really opened his eyes in terms of what he needed from a relationship. Kelsey wanted someone to be there for him, who wouldn’t be out of town when he needed that support, like when his father passed away. That time was particularly rough for him and he needed more than a couple weeks out of the month to be with his beloved. While he still loved his girlfriend and her him, they both agreed that they had different approaches to their relationship. And so they went their separate ways. She back to the Midwest, and him staying here. They’re still friends, though, and I guess this is where having a good friendship established before dating someone is important.
We started hanging out, catching a show, eating dinner, but it was pretty casual. We got to know each other a little better and became even closer friends. Even though opportunities presented itself, times when I could’ve gave subtle hints that I was interested in being more than friends, or downright talked to him about taking our relationship into a different direction, I didn’t feel compelled to do so. I wasn’t too excited over the fact that the man of my dreams was suddenly available. Sometimes, something you’ve eagerly waited for seems trivial when you realize how long you’ve waited and what you passed up.
Jason no longer works for the company as a horoscope writer. A month ago, when I stopped by his desk, it was empty. Apparently, he cleaned it out over the weekend. Things between Jason and I became different after that night at the museum. We’d talk and hang out occasionally, but he seemed to put up a wall whenever I was with him. He kept our conversations to very general things, so I never knew he planned to leave. Then, I received a letter from him, sent to my work address:
I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you I was leaving, but believe it or not, I didn’t want to make a scene. Remember the night at the museum and I asked you whether you thought about what it would be like to be in love with someone else other than Kelsey? Well, I asked because I thought there was hope, that maybe someone like me may have even the slightest chance of touching the heart of someone like you, the way Kelsey touches yours…
And then he told me he loved me. Not like a friend, not like a sister. He said he loved me more than anything else in his life…
Then the letter just ends.
When I finished reading the letter, I got overwhelmed and fled from my desk. I ended up crying in a corner stall of the women’s restroom for a while. Thinking back, I already did have some feelings for Jason that night at the museum. But as to why I didn’t act on them, I can never be sure. Maybe I got so tired pining after Kelsey that when Jason came along, I was afraid to start chasing after someone else. Maybe I somehow thought that I could win Kelsey in the end. Whatever explanations I may come up with, it’s all just rationalizations. The damage was already done. Jason was gone and Kelsey, the man of my dreams was just a man, after all.
I still have the letter from Jason. As well as a copy of my letter of resignation. The horoscope writing industry has lost another fortune teller. But that’s okay. They still have Kelsey.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" asked Kelsey when I told him about my plans. "What if it’s the wrong address?"
"Then check your answering machine, because I may need a ride from the airport should I return." I gave him a hug. "You know, there was a time when I thought you were a god."
"Then you found out I was just a man." Kelsey laughed. "I heard that one before."
We said our goodbyes and that was the last I saw of the man-who-was-not-a-god named Kelsey.
The address on Jason’s letter said Kansas City… Hmmm, I don’t ever recall being there before… They’ve begun boarding for my flight and I guess this is it. I’m not sure what’s going to happen once I get to KC. Maybe the address is wrong on Jason’s letter. Maybe Jason’s in love with someone else. Who knows? And cares?
I finally understand what Jason meant when he said that we’re all cable cars. Wherever we go, the route is the same, but what happens along the way is always different. And it’s that difference that makes life interesting. Smart guy, that Jason.
