The Substitute Suitor

After showering and getting dressed for the "date" with Caroline, Lou rode away from the way station faster and more furiously than she had ever done before. She had to make sure that none of the other riders had the chance to ask where she was going or why she was all dressed up in a bow tie and everything. She had also made up some lame excuse to tell Emma explaining why she would be missing dinner. Lou knew it wouldn't sound right and that Emma would probably be suspicious, but she had to say something, anything, to attempt to justify her absence that evening.

As Lou rode into Sweetwater and pulled her horse up just outside the hotel, she had some serious second thoughts about the whole thing. She didn't know what she might be getting herself into. This was Cody's problem, not hers, Lou thought, and this little scheme of Cody's could end up not only hurting her, but Caroline as well. Hearts aren't something to be played with.

Lou stood by her horse outside the hotel for what seemed like an eternity. She couldn't decide whether she should leave right now, before Caroline saw her, or whether she should just get it over with and do the favor like she promised to Cody. After tethering her horse to a post, Lou stepped toward the hotel window and looked into the dining area. She saw Caroline sitting at a table in the middle of the room.

Suddenly, Lou felt sorry for the girl. How would it look if she left Caroline sitting there alone waiting for her to show up all night? It would upset Caroline and also reflect badly on Cody who still had strong feelings for her.

Lou sighed deeply, and with much hesitation, entered the hotel and turned into the restaurant dining room just left of the lobby and reception area.

When Caroline saw Lou heading towards her, her face began to brighten, her eyes began to shimmer, and her lovely smile radiated in such a way that it lit up the entire room. Lou also noticed the gorgeous hunter green taffeta dress that she was wearing as well as the beautiful cameo that hung from a black velvet choker around her neck. She couldn't help but to be envious, though she knew that she could not allow her feelings to be revealed.

"I'm so glad you came, Lou," Caroline beamed.

Lou forced a smile and joined Caroline who had already been seated at the table.

"Sorry I'm late," Lou began, her voice deep and low as she tried her best to sound masculine, "but I was slowed up some on my run earlier."

"Oh, that's alright. I haven't been waiting long," she assured.

Lou simply smiled and nodded, not quite sure what she should say to Caroline. She had never quite felt so awkward before, not even when she was around Teaspoon and Emma who still did not know that she was a woman and not the young boy she pretended to be.

Caroline saw that Lou was nervous and shy, so she decided to begin the conversation.

"So tell me about yourself, Lou." Caroline leaned into the table further, her face shining with curiosity. Lou understood that Caroline was being genuine in her desire to get to know 'him' better, which was going to make it even harder to tell her that 'he' does not share in her feelings.

"Well, ain't really much to tell." Lou figured she should be as elusive as possible and not really answer Caroline's questions except in an obscure manner.

"I'm sure that's not the case," Caroline responded, certain that Lou was merely being modest and shy again. "You must encounter all sorts of adventures riding for the Pony Express. News of the Express has even reached all the way back East!"

"If you call gettin' shot at by thieves wantin' to rob you or bein' chased by Indians 'cause you're ridin' across their land adventure, then I guess I've seen my fair share of it." Lou had to laugh at the notion.

"Sounds more exciting than life in Boston," Caroline admitted.

"So why did you leave Boston and come all the way out West?" Lou asked, her curiosity getting the better of her. And as much as Lou didn't want to admit it, Caroline seemed to be a very nice person, and someone who took an interest in Lou for once.

Caroline's smile faded when she thought about Lou's question. She lowered her eyes for a moment and paused before answering. "I left Boston because I had no reason to stay anymore."

Lou gave her a questioning look, but then she continued. "My older brother ran off about five years back after a disagreement with my father. I haven't seen or heard from him since. I remain faithful in my correspondence, sending my letters to the last known address I have, though I later learned that he had moved on to who-knows-where. Then my mother and father both died about six months ago from the influenza epidemic that swept the area."

"I'm so sorry," Lou sighed, her voice reflecting a great deal of sincerity and compassion. She knew how it felt to be an orphan and alone in the world…all the riders did.

"After that, I went to live with my great aunt who also lived in Boston," Caroline stated. "But she was getting up in years, and her health really began to fail in the last month or so. She always said that I took care of her more than she took care of me. So when she died, I decided that I should try to make it on my own. I had no other family in the area that I knew of, so I left to start my life fresh out West with the little bit of money that my aunt had left me. I figured Sweetwater was as good a place as any. And when I saw the vacant building in town, I knew it would be the perfect place to open shop. So here I am."

The smile on Caroline's face had now returned as she spoke hopefully and dreamily of her new life in Sweetwater. It was a feeling that Lou had herself not too long ago when she first came to work at the Pony Express station. Lou began to feel a real connection with Caroline, one she hadn't felt with anyone else in a long time, especially not another woman.

What have I gotten myself into? Lou thought to herself. This girl turns out to be someone I could actually be friends with, but instead, I need to keep up this charade…for myself and for Cody.

"Here you are!" Lou repeated, as her mind returned to the time and situation at hand.

Caroline's smile was intoxicating, and before Lou knew what was happening, Caroline had reached over to her side of the table and boldly placed her hand on top of Lou's. Caroline's eyes were now gazing into hers in a way that made Lou feel extremely uneasy.

"I've never met anyone like you before, Lou," Caroline commented.

"Is that a fact," Lou answered as she shifted nervously in her seat.

"You're not like the other boys," the young woman added.

"You don't know the half of it," Lou muttered under her breath.

"What?" Caroline wondered at Lou's mumbled words.

"Oh, nothing," Lou said dismissively.

"You're not like the other boys at all," Caroline repeated, a dreamy look sweeping across her face. Lou tried not to make eye contact. She could see that when Caroline gazed at her, a look mirroring the way Lou would look at Kid filled her eyes.

"You're quiet and modest," she continued. "I like that. You know when it's time to say something. Sometimes the other boys can just talk and talk, and only about themselves. I can tell that you're the more serious type."

"Actually, I…" Lou didn't know what she was getting ready to say, but she was saved for the time being when the hostess came to the table. Lou was also able to retrieve her hand back from under Caroline's and place them out of sight in her lap.

"Have you decided what you would like to order?" she asked, pencil and paper in hand, ready to take their order.

"Oh, I think I'll have the special," Caroline replied.

Lou had not even looked to see what the special was, but she nodded and said, "I'll have the same."

The conversation continued throughout supper. Every time Caroline would try to say something flattering or complimentary to Lou, Lou would try to change the subject by bringing up how Cody is really good at this or that, or how Cody is such a nice fellow…anything to try to sway Caroline's affections to the blonde rider, and away from her. However, as this persisted, Caroline simply thought Lou was being modest and soft-spoken again.

At one point, Lou told Caroline that all Cody could talk about was how pretty he thought she was. But Caroline only blushed, thinking that Lou was really speaking of 'his' own feelings for her, and asked, "Why don't you speak for yourself, Lou?"

It seemed that Lou was just adding more fuel to the fire by trying to build up Cody's image when, instead, her own seemed to be gaining more favor in Caroline's mind.

The meal itself was one of the best that Lou had eaten in a long time, but she found that she could not eat very much of it knowing that as the evening came to a close, she would have to break things off with Caroline. And despite all of Lou's attempts to be aloof and ambiguous, she soon learned that she and Caroline shared many of the same opinions and experiences. Lou knew she was only going to make it harder on herself later on, but as the evening went on, she found herself feeling less nervous and became more open and comfortable when talking to Caroline. Lou realized that she would very much like to have Caroline as a friend, but she also knew that was not possible, not under the present circumstances.

"I find that it is so easy talking to you, Lou," Caroline remarked, taking another sip of the coffee she was enjoying with desert, a slice of homemade apple pie.

As much as Lou didn't want to admit it, she felt the same way. "Me, too," she said.

Lou felt the conflict going on inside her. She afraid that it showed on her face. She smiled at Caroline, but her brow was knit with worry and sorrow all at the same time. Lou didn't want to hurt Caroline, but she understood that she might have to…before things went too far. But Lou was afraid that for Caroline, they already had.

"Lou," Caroline spoke softly, and she diverted her eyes from Lou's for a moment as her face turned a darker shade of pink. Then she brought her sparkling blue eyes to meet with Lou's once more. "Lou, I want you to know that…"

Lou closed her eyes and cringed, as she knew what was coming. Lou felt terrible thinking that she had led Caroline on by conversing so freely with her, but she couldn't help it. For the first time in a long time, Lou felt that she could actually be herself, and at times she felt as if she were talking woman to woman, even though Caroline thought she was talking woman to man. Lou had not talked to a woman in so long that talking to Caroline now somewhat relieved the aching emptiness and loneliness that she sometimes felt by being constantly surrounded by men and by hiding her true identity and feelings from most of the world.

She had felt apart for so long, separated from men because of the past traumas she had suffered at the hands of several men she had known in her life, and separated from women because of the masquerade she was using to protect herself from being hurt by such men again. Lou's source of protection and security was preventing her from finding a kindred spirit among another female, something that she desperately needed.

Lou could not let Caroline finish her sentence. "Caroline, I can't do this," she blurted out, rising from her seat at the table

Lou opened her eyes and saw Caroline's face and knew that her heart was breaking inside. "I like you a lot…I really do." This was the truth, but now Lou knew that she had to tell a lie to Caroline if she was to get herself out of this mess. "But you see, I just got out of a relationship…my fiancée broke off our engagement…" Lou was stumbling over her words terribly, and she was afraid that Caroline would see through her lie. "I'm not yet over the loss. I don't think we should…"

Lou looked down at Caroline who, through all of the harsh words, still had her eyes fixed on Lou's. Caroline's eyes were now beginning to brim over with tears, and it broke Lou's heart to see the young girl looking at her like that. She forced herself to look away.

"You'd be better to like Cody. He's a real good fella, and he likes you a lot. I gotta go." Those were Lou's final words as she put on her hat, ran from the table and out the hotel lobby, and left Caroline sitting alone in the restaurant, tears streaming down her porcelain face.

"This Three Musketeers ain't half bad," Cody said to himself.

In yet another attempt to gain Caroline's affections, Cody had borrowed Lou's book so that he could read up and have something to discuss with Caroline.

Cody looked up from the book he was reading when he heard the well-known sound of a horse rapidly approaching. It was Lou. He left the spot where he had been sitting comfortably on the bunkhouse porch, reading by lamplight, and waiting for Lou's return with much anticipation. But when Cody saw the way Lou was riding in like a bat out of Hell, he immediately knew that things must not have gone according to his plan.

Lou yanked the reigns on her horse Lightning, urging him to stop in front of the barn where Cody now stood.

"Well?" Cody asked.

"Let's talk in the barn," Lou stated as she looked around her suspiciously. "Someone might come out and hear us."

Cody shrugged and followed Lou into the barn where she promptly plopped down on a haystack, sighing deeply, not even attending to her horse.

"Are you gonna keep me in suspense all night?" Cody questioned. "What happened?"

"Cody, remind me to kill you when I get over feelin' guilty," Lou lashed out.

"Guilty? What for?" Cody wrinkled his nose in puzzlement.

"Guilty because I had to break Caroline's heart, that's why!" she snapped at Cody.

"She took it that bad?"

"As much as I hate to say it, I think she thinks she's in love with me," Lou remarked, horrified at such a thought.

"What!?" Cody shouted in disbelief. "You were supposed to go there and convince her that I'm the one she should like!" Cody's tone of voice was now laced with anger.

"Cody, I tried and tried all night long," Lou explained. "But she kept complimentin' me, and sayin' how 'I'm not like other boys'…"

"The problem is, she don't know how right she really is!" Cody hollered, thinking that this whole thing was absolutely absurd.

"Cody, I don't know what to do!" Lou cried. "I tried to make her think that you were the right man for her. She wouldn't hear any of it! And somehow, she thought I was just bein' modest, and it made her like me even more!"

Cody's face softened, and he sat down next to Lou on the bale of hay.

"I'm sorry, Lou." Cody was serious in his apology. "I shouldn't have made ya do this for me."

"I know, Cody. Things are just so messed up and confused right now! Caroline was havin' the time of her life all through dinner even though I was doin' my best to make her like you and not me. Finally, I told her that lie about me still tryin' to get over another woman who broke my heart…I told her you were the man for her, and then I ran out of the restaurant and left her. She was cryin'." Now Lou's own eyes were beginning to overflow with tears as the image of Caroline sitting alone--crying-- flooded her thoughts. "I've never felt so ashamed and guilty in all my life."

"I'm so sorry, Lou," Cody repeated, his head hung low in despair. "I never counted on anythin' like this happenin'. I guess your disguise really does work, Lou."

"I'm afraid it must be workin' too good," Lou shook her head. "I never thought she could fall for it that long…not the way we started to talk…we talked like two old girl friends. I don't understand how she didn't see." Lou sighed heavily and gulped down the lump that was forming in her throat. "For once I wished someone could see through my disguise and know that I'm a girl."

"What should we do now?" Cody wondered, his question more rhetorical as he did not really expect to receive an answer.

Lou did not have time to respond because her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the barn door opening. Lou and Cody looked up simultaneously and saw that Jimmy was standing in the entranceway.

"Where have you been, Lou?" Jimmy asked. "And why are you all dressed up? Did someone die on ya?" he joked. When he saw the expressions on Lou and Cody's faces, he instantly regretted his teasing, though it was not meant to be malicious or cruel.

"I, uh, was out with Caroline," Lou stated matter-of-factly.

"What!?" was all Jimmy managed to blurt out.

"I went to dinner in town with Caroline," Lou elucidated.

"But I don't understand. Why would you, I mean, after what happened the other day?" he questioned.

"It was all my doin', Jimmy," Cody confessed. "I realized that Caroline didn't like me. She liked Lou instead." His face was again starting to reveal just how depressed he was about that fact. "I can't believe I was such a fool!"

"I'm sorry, Cody. But you know how they say 'love is blind'." Jimmy joined the two in their brooding spot. "I should've known somethin' wasn't right when Emma said you'd be missin' dinner, Lou. So what happened tonight?"

Lou and Cody looked at each other, trying to figure out who would be the one to explain it all to Jimmy. Lou spoke up first. "Cody realized that day in town when he and Caroline had lunch that she was only interested in me. She kept askin' Cody if I had a lady friend and such."

Jimmy let a chuckle escape his lips before he quickly apologized and repressed his laughter.

"Anyway, when I got back from my run earlier today, Cody informed me that he had taken the liberty of acceptin' an invitation for me to join Caroline for supper tonight. I was furious at first, but Cody begged and pleaded and groveled. So I gave in."

"I didn't beg and plead," Cody denied, feeling highly offended.

Jimmy and Lou both shot Cody dirty looks, as they knew well how pitiful Cody could make himself seem when he wanted something so badly. Begging and pleading was just what he was capable of.

"So I met Caroline at the hotel restaurant with the intention of lettin' her down easy, tellin' her I wasn't interested in her that way. I even tried to make Cody sound like some sort of genius hero through all this," Lou explained.

"That musta been hard, Lou," Jimmy laughed. "You musta been lyin' through your teeth the whole evenin'!"

"That ain't funny, Jimmy!" Cody snapped.

"Okay, sorry," Jimmy apologized, stifling the laughter that was building up inside of him.

"Are you two gonna let me finish?" Lou scolded. The two men nodded, and Lou continued, "Well, Caroline's a real nice girl and everythin', someone I could easily become good friends with…if the circumstances weren't what they are."

"I guess it's been hard on ya, Lou, not bein' able to be who you really are," Jimmy realized.

"It's just so hard not havin' a woman to talk to…a woman I can talk to as a woman myself," Lou admitted. "I mean, I love you fellas more than anythin', but sometimes…"

"Sometimes a girl needs another woman." Jimmy finished her sentence for her, and Lou knew that he understood how she felt.

"Yeah," Lou smiled at him.

"So then what happened?" Jimmy inquired.

"Things got too messy, and I got scared that if I didn't end it all soon, it might be too late. So I told Caroline some lie and left her sittin' there in the restaurant…cryin'. And here I am, and I feel terrible!" Lou took a deep breath after retelling the story for the second time that night.

"What are you gonna do, Cody?" Jimmy mused.

"I don't rightly know, Jimmy," Cody replied, resting his head on his hands, his elbows propped up on his thighs.

"All I know is I can't bear the thought of seein' Caroline again," Lou commented.

"You still like her, don't ya, Cody?" Jimmy asked, though he realized that he already knew the answer, and so did Lou.

"I just can't get her outta my mind," the blonde rider sighed, exhaling deeply and audibly.

"Maybe you should just go and talk to her," Jimmy suggested.

"I guess so, but I don't want to be second choice…'specially not to Lou of all people!"

Lou punched Cody lightly on the shoulder. "Thanks a lot, Cody!" Her ire quickly faded, and then she pointed out jokingly, "It ain't my fault women find me more irresistible than you!"

"Ya didn't have to remind me," Cody muttered.

The seriousness of the situation seemed to lessen for a few moments while the three engaged in laughter. Then the heaviness of it all seemed to return, and their brief levity disappeared.

"I almost feel like I should tell Caroline the truth…the whole truth," Lou stated. "At least I wouldn't have all this guilt on my head. I can only hope she forgives me."

"No, Lou, you can't do that!" Cody protested as he was aware that what Lou was implying involved telling Caroline that she is a girl and that he knew it all along. "Then she'll know I put you up to it, and she'll hate me, too!"

"Cody," Lou began raising her voice to him, the anger growing more and more with every word she spoke, "this ain't about you no more! This is about hurtin' an innocent girl! She don't deserve to have her heart and emotions played with like this! It ain't right, and it's just plain cruel!"

Cody was extremely taken back by Lou's harsh words. But at the same time, he knew that she was right. He knew it was true; Caroline didn't deserve to be the victim of his childish games. And now he felt even worse for having dragged Lou into the middle of it.

"So what do you want me to do?" Cody asked, the hesitation apparent in his voice.

"I think we need to talk to her…both of us," Lou began. "We need to tell her the truth, and hope that she can find it in her heart to forgive us. 'Cause, Lord knows, I don't know if I can even forgive myself."

With that, Lou rose from the haystack and stormed out of the barn. Jimmy glanced at Cody and then quickly followed Lou out, leaving Cody sitting alone with nothing but his haunted soul and guilty conscience.

To Be Continued…Chapter 11