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Jimmy looked out across the calm water and squeezed his eyes shut. Why did life have to be so hard for him? If he wasn't looking ahead of him for any would-be assassins, he was looking behind him, wondering if something, or someone, from his past would finally catch up with him, ready to exact revenge.

His friendships were few and far between, not so much for the fact that he didn't want friends, but because he didn't want to cause harm to anyone he cared about. His relationships were even fewer. He wanted to know how it felt to be loved completely and unconditionally by a woman, but he knew in his heart that it would never come to be. He was married to his gun, not completely by choice, but his destiny was sealed, wasn't it?

He turned sharply as he heard footsteps, his hand on his gun. Lou stopped in mid-stride, seeing the look on Jimmy's face. He turned back around, not bothering to greet the petite female rider. She sat beside him heavily and looked at him.

"Look Lou, I ain't in the mood for no talkin', all right?" he said tightly.

Lou didn't answer him and instead turned her gaze to the crystal water.

Jimmy noticed for the first time her appearance. She was wearing a light blue dress that complemented her nicely. Her hair was arranged neatly in a loose bun, and her cheeks seemed to be glowing. She was breathtaking.

Jimmy tried to banish certain thoughts about Lou from his mind when she stole her small hand into his larger, brown one and squeezed gently. He was surprised, but no emotion showed on his impassive face. She moved closer to him and leaned her head on his broad shoulder.

"I'm really sorry Jimmy." Lou said quietly.

Jimmy didn't know what to say. In her one short sentence, so softly spoken, she'd managed to bring forth emotions that he'd been tryin' to hold back for the past couple of days. He hadn't shed one tear when he learned of Alice's death at the hand of southern sympathizers. He was a man, he wasn't supposed to cry and lament like women, was he? So why did he feel tears stinging the corners of his eyes?

He'd gotten back from a run a few days before when Kid and Rachel had greeted him solemnly, handing him a weather-beaten envelope, written in neat, almost clinical handwriting. Jimmy didn't know why, but he was suddenly filled with dread, and he hadn't wanted to open the letter. However, curiosity had gotten the better of him and he'd read through tired eyes all about the unprovoked attack on the Peacemakers, and Alice's subsequent death.

He'd lashed out at everyone, especially Kid. Kid didn't take the bait however, and knew he was in tremendous pain. Had it only been two days ago that he learned the news? He felt like an eternity had passed. He'd spent the entire time reflecting on his life and inevitable future. He felt so empty inside, just a shell of his former self.

However, seeing Lou had awaken some feelings in him. Her voice was filled with tender understanding, as were her eyes. Before he knew what was happening, tears were running unchecked down his face. He rested his forehead on the top of Lou's dark crown to hide his tears, but Lou wasn't blind.

Without hesitation, she wrapped Jimmy in a gentle embrace and held him as he finally mourned for the woman he'd loved, but could never have. His body shook with silent sobs, but he didn't feel ashamed, not in front of Lou. He continued to weep while Lou held him, trying to provide comfort.

The first thing Jimmy became aware of upon waking was a sweet floral scent. Then came the realization that he was still in Lou's arms. He lifted his head and found Lou staring down at him, her brown eyes filled with concern. He backed away suddenly, breaking free of her embrace, causing her to cry out in surprise. He leaned on his haunches and looked at her apologetically.

"I'm...sorry I did that...I didn't-"

Lou cut him off before he could finish, "Jimmy, you needed to grieve. There ain't nothin' wrong with that, and I hope you know that. She was a real special lady, and I know you loved her."

"Do you know how she died?"

"Rachel told me that she was killed by-"

"Murdered. She was murdered Lou, while tryin' to protect some children. Murdered by some goddamn southerners." Jimmy's voice was bitter, and his eyes swam in rage. He stood up and started to walk away.

Lou wasn't far behind, though she had to walk faster to keep pace with his long-legged strides. She grabbed his arm and forced him to look at her. "Jimmy, I know that you're hurtin', but you're not doin' yourself any good by bein' so angry at everyone." "By everyone I suppose you mean Kid, huh?" Jimmy asked sarcastically.

"No, I don't mean Kid...look Jimmy, Alice wouldn't want you to act like this, she died savin' other lives."

"You didn't know her, so don't you dare tell me what she would or wouldn't want." he spat furiously.

"You're too angry to talk right now, I'm goin' back to the station." Lou said quietly.

"That's right, go back to Kid, and tell him everything that happened."

"I wouldn't tell Kid what happened here, I wouldn't tell anyone, and I'm sorry you think I would." Lou said as she turned away, her voice filled with hurt.

When she had disappeared in the trees, Jimmy threw his hat down in frustration and kicked it a few times for good measure. Why had he reacted that way? Lou had only been trying to help him, as usual, and he'd blown up at her. He could still feel the pressure of her arms around him, and the sent of her perfume. He exhaled sharply and came to terms with his feelings.

He'd blown up at her because he was feeling guilty for thinking about what life with Lou would be like, when a woman he professed to love had just been killed. Did that mean he was heartless, that he had never really loved her? The ache in his heart told him different, but he still couldn't explain his feelings towards Lou.

She was his best friend's girl. He smiled suddenly as he thought of how Lou would react to being called anyone's girl. Truth be told, Lou was on his mind alot more these days, ever since that night by the campfire when he spontaneously kissed her. Even before then, he used to imagine what it would feel like to run his fingers through her short dark hair, and feel her bare skin.

He stopped thinking about Lou at that moment, knowing it was dangerous. She was in love with Kid, and always would be. Jimmy couldn't give her the future Kid could, there were no children or happy homes for Jimmy. Just trail dust and life with his guns. Hadn't he tried to settle down with Alice? Look how that'd turned out.

Jimmy sighed and picked up his poorly-treated hat, brushing off the dirt, and trying to re-shape it to it's previous form. His heart was so full of anger and confusion. Anger over Alice's needless death, and confusion over his feelings for another woman. His life was a mess at the moment, and it would only get worse. Teaspoon had been talking a while back about the approaching war and Jimmy had foolishly believed that they would be safe out west. No one was safe from the war. It wouldn't be long before they would be forced to choose sides, and somehow, he knew that would split the house along very clear lines. He only hoped they were all strong enough to withstand the maelstrom that was coming, but somehow, he didn't think that was likely.

Lou emerged from the shadows cast by the wooden stable and watched quietly as Kid began to brush his beloved horse. He didn't notice her presence until she was right behind him, touching his back. He jumped slightly but relaxed when he discovered who it was. Without warning, he swept Lou into a tight hug and kissed the top of her head.

Lou reveled in the warmth of his embrace, and knew his sudden display of affection was not merely a result of his love for her, but also because of the events that had transpired over the two-day period. Lou had been gone when Kid learned of Alice's death. All he'd wanted to do was hold her close and make sure she was safe when he saw Jimmy's face, but she'd been gone, and now he was making up for that. He suddenly pulled back and raised his eyebrows at her appearance.

"Goin' somewhere?"

"Well, this guy I know was supposed to take me out for dinner, but he stood me up."

Realization dawned in Kid's eyes and he had the grace to look contrite. "I'm sorry Lou. Teaspoon asked me to help transport-"

"I know, Rachel told me everything." Lou explained, cutting him off with a kiss.

"Did she tell you about Jimmy?" he asked gravely

She nodded and smiled sadly. "I tried to talk to him, but he's so angry Kid."

Kid nodded in understanding. He'd tried talking to Jimmy at first too, but it soon became clear that he wanted nothing to do with anyone, especially Kid. His anger was like something tangible, and it seemed ready to swallow Jimmy whole. Kid didn't know how to react and could offer no words of comfort.

Kid had been hoping that upon Lou's return, she may have been able to get through to Jimmy, but it appeared that she was as unsuccessful as him. Her eyes seemed to mirror his in their sadness, and she said nothing as she picked up another brush to help Kid with Katy.

Kid threw down the heavy feedbag and looked at Noah in frustration. The two riders had been unloading supplies from the buckboard for almost an hour. Buck, Cody and Lou were all out on runs. Jimmy was in the bunkhouse, as silent and closed off as he'd been for two weeks now.

Without any words, Kid suddenly jumped down from his place in the wagon and stormed towards the bunkhouse. Noah looked at him in surprise, but didn't follow him, knowing that there was going to be a scene. In a way he was glad because at least Jimmy would have to show some emotion. He just wished Lou were here in case things got ugly.

Kid burst into the small bunkhouse and glared daggers at Jimmy, who was sitting at the table with his legs propped up. His black hat fell down into his eyes, shielding them from the sun. Without further ado, Kid pushed Jimmy's legs violently off the table and waited for him to respond. When he didn't, Kid pulled his hat off and scowled.

"We got some supplies that we need help with." Kid said.

"Well, it looks like you and Noah are doin' just fine without my help." Jimmy returned, his voice void of emotion.

"I'm tired of your attitude Jimmy. We've tried giving you time to come to terms with your feelings, but that don't seem to work, so now I'm tellin' you that the rest of us are gettin' tired of coverin' for you."

"Well, don't do it then." he returned simply.

"If we don't do it, then it won't get done, because Lord knows all you do is sit and mope all day."

Jimmy didn't respond, but instead looked out the window where Lou was riding up. Kid couldn't be sure, but he could have sworn that he saw some kind of emotion surge in Jimmy's eyes. However, it disappeared as suddenly as it appeared and Kid thought he'd imagined it.

Kid could tell that he wouldn't get any further with Jimmy, so he walked away with a loud sigh and slammed the door shut. The sight of Lou dismounting calmed him a great deal and he smiled tiredly as she approached.

His smile disappeared however as soon as he took in her appearance. She was almost completely covered in trail dust and what looked to Kid like dried blood. Her face was covered in scratches and her clothes were torn all over the place. Her eyes were blood shot, but she still smiled at him when he finally stood in front of her.

"Lou...what happened?" Kid asked panicked as he slowly examined her face.

"Just a little run in with barbed wire." she laughed.

Seeing that Kid didn't think it was too funny, and that his face was still contorted in worry, she hugged him suddenly. "Kid, I'm fine."

"How did this happen?"

"Well, I was on my way back and I was comin' so fast that I didn't see all the fencing that had sprung up. Lightning did, and he was smart enough to stop, but I was bucked over and landed right in the middle of some of the left-over fencing. It was hell gettin' out of there, which my clothes can attest to."

Kid didn't ask why she was riding so fast that she didn't see the fencing because he could tell that she was tired. He wrapped his arm around her waist and placed a deep kiss on her mouth. He wouldn't bother her with his worries, or his questions now, but after she'd rested he would get to the bottom of the matter. Right now though,, he was glad to have her home.

"Hmm...do you welcome all the boys home like this?" she teased.

"Only the ones I 'specially like." he returned. "Now, I'll take care of Lightning, why don't you go clean up and get some rest."

"I think I'll take you up on that." Lou replied as she placed a quick kiss on his cheek and headed for the bunkhouse.

Lou threw her saddlebags on her bunk and sighed audibly. Jimmy hadn't even acknowledged her arrival, and that upset her more than she cared to admit. She always thought she had a special bond with the male rider, ever since that night in Willow Springs. Now though, he had cut himself off from the rest of the riders and Lou was worried.

She walked stiffly to her dresser and pulled out some clean clothes. She was about to walk out again and head towards the shower, but she instead turned towards Jimmy.

"My ride went fine, thank you for asking." she said sarcastically.

Jimmy looked at her for the first time and tried to hide his surprise at her appearance. He quickly looked down again, but Lou had already seen the startled look in his eyes. Taking that as encouragement, she sat down at the table and tried to peer into his downcast eyes.

"How long you gonna keep this up Jimmy?"

"Keep what up?"

"This attitude like you don't care for anyone or anything. I know that you're hurtin', but she died, you didn't, so I wish you'd stop actin' like it."

With that, she arose from the table and headed for the door. She didn't look back as she walked out of the bunkhouse, knowing that Jimmy would need time to sort out his feelings.

Jimmy walked down the bustling street, not really knowing where he was going, but knowing that he had to escape the close confines of the bunkhouse, for a little while anyway. Lou was right. He had been acting like he didn't care about anything anymore. It was just easier that way. If he didn't get involved in anyone's life, then it wouldn't hurt so bad when they left, or worse.

He knew it was faulty thinking because he was inextricably involved in the other's lives, some more than he'd like. He tried to close off his feelings, but only succeeded in making him feel worse because he knew he was hurting his friends, the ones who'd always been there for him.

He wiped the sweat from is eyes, and looked across the way, ready to cross into the saloon, when a voice called out behind him. "James Butler Hickok, I don't believe my eyes. Is that you?"

Jimmy turned around and met a pair of crystal blue eyes. He looked at the tall slender beauty and tried to search his mind for a memory. Her blond hair was piled high on her head, and her dress, though not terribly fine-looking, was still elegant and fit her perfectly. If he'd met her before, he surely would have remembered.

"I can see you don't remember me. I can't blame you because I have changed quite a bit. It's Josephine, Josephine Taylor."

Jimmy looked at the young woman, dumbfounded. He couldn't believe that this graceful girl before him was the same tomboy from his childhood, who used to try and play with Jimmy and his friends.

"Jo???" was all he could muster.

"Well, I go by Josephine now, but I'll let you call me Jo if you like." She laughed.

"What are you doin' here?"

"Robert and I are on some business."

"Robert's here?" he asked, remembering her elder brother.

"Yes, and I'm sure he'd be delighted to see you. We're stayin' at the hotel over yonder. I just came out to look at the dress shops, but he should still be in the room. Come on, I'll take you to him."

Jimmy didn't protest as she took his hand and led him firmly to the fancy establishment in the center of town. He could see the curious glances that were cast in his direction, but he ignored them. Maybe his luck was changing.

Suddenly, Josephine turned and flashed him a dazzling smile. His luck was definitely changing.

Kid closed his eyes and leaned back against the sturdy oak tree. His body was weary from the days work, and he was glad to finally gain some much-needed respite from the blazing sun. He smiled lazily as a cool breeze rustled his hair. He was just beginning to drift off to sleep, when a familiar voice arose him.

"You must be havin' a mighty nice dream." Lou said as she settled herself in front of Kid, and leaned back on his chest.

"I was." he smiled as he tightened his arms around her waist.

"Was I in it?"

"Mmmhmm."

"What were we doin'?"

"Things that ain't right mentioning out loud."

"So why don't you show me." She returned mischievously, adjusting her position so that she was staring into his eyes. She leaned in to kiss him, but Kid pulled back suddenly.

"What is it?" Lou asked, slightly annoyed.

"Somethin's been botherin me since you got home, and I think we should talk about it."

Lou could see that Kid was genuinely upset, and she knew what was coming. She disengaged herself from his embrace and sat across from him, looking at the tree behind him. Kid sat up straighter and took a deep breath.

"Lou...you're one of the best riders here and it just don't make sense to me how you could be goin' so fast that you couldn't see the fencin'."

He paused a moment, letting it all sink in. "What are you sayin' Kid?" Lou asked.

"I guess what I'm sayin'...or askin' is what happened out there that you weren't lookin' in front of you? I know you don't like me pokin' in your business-"

"Kid, I was bein' chased by some men. I was right outside of Benton, and they came out of nowhere." Lou interrupted. "I managed to lose 'em, but I had to cut across the cattle-trails, and that's how I ran into all that wire. I already told Teaspoon what happened, but I didn't want to worry you."

Kid pulled her close to him and hugged her tightly. "Lou...I try to give you space, and not worry so much, but you gotta tell me when somethin' like this happens."

"I don't even know why they were after me, I mean, I didn't have any returning mail."

"Maybe they thought you were someone else."

"Maybe..."

Silence pervaded across the small field as Lou and Kid reveled in the warmth of the embrace. She could hear the beating of his heart and it comforted her. The chase with the two men had rattled her more than she cared to admit.

"There was somethin' different about those men Kid." she said, pushing herself away from his chest to look at him.

"What do you mean."

"Well, they were dressed nice...like they were wealthy or somethin'. Most of the time...whenever one of us gets chased, it's by poor fortune seekers, or outlaw soldiers."

"Maybe it was just a disguise."

"I don't know Kid...their whole manner was different. It was strange."

"Well, whoever they were, you lost 'em."

A thought struck Lou, and she looked at Kid. "So...do you really think I'm one of the best riders?"

"I said so, didn't I?"

"Well, yeah..."

Kid brought his hands up to cup Lou's small face. "Look Lou, I may not like the idea of you ridin' out in danger like you do, but I know you can take care of yourself. Most of the time anyway. It doesn't stop me from worryin', but I'm workin' on it."

Lou smiled at Kid tenderly and thought her heart might burst with all the love she held for him. It wasn't easy on Kid, letting her ride out, not knowing if she'd be hurt, or killed, but he knew he had to let her live her own life. She and Kid had their arguments about his over-protectiveness, and probably always would, but she knew he was motivated by love.

Lou lowered her eyes, but glanced back up when she noticed a sudden shift in Kid's mood. He removed his hands from her face, and brought her back down to his chest, squeezing her tightly. She knew he was thinking of Jimmy and his altered state. She could find no words to comfort him because she was at as much of a loss as he was.

Jimmy had always been the hot-head, the emotional one. Even after he'd been calmed down a bit, he seemed to burn with an inner fire. Now though, he was frozen, and his eyes were cold. The fire seemed to have consumed his heart, leaving only smoke and ashes.

Lou sighed audibly and buried her head in Kid's shoulder. She looked up at him once more and became troubled. He seemed resigned, defeated. Alice's death had taken a toll on all of them, though maybe not directly. That vile action had robbed Kid of his best friend, and Lou of a trusted confidant. She wasn't as resigned as Kid though. She was too stubborn, and somehow, she was going to pull Jimmy through. They couldn't afford to lose him. Not now, not ever.

"So, what have you been up to James?"

Jimmy smiled and glanced at his two old friends. It had been a happy reunion, one that almost made Jimmy forget about Alice. Almost.

Robert hadn't altered much in the last several years, although, there was something in his eyes that told Jimmy he'd seen a lot. He smiled at Josephine's use of his given name. "What is it?" she asked.

"It's just that no one calls me James, they call me Jimmy."

"Well, I could-"

"No...I like it." he responded, almost shyly.

"All right you two, stop flirting." Robert said as he joined them at the table in the restaurant.

"I wasn't flirting, I was simply asking James what he'd been up to."

"Well?"

"Nothin' really. Just been ridin' for the Express is all."

"You make it sound so simple. Don't you have any wild adventures to tell us?"

"I could, but I wouldn't want to bore you. What have you two been doin'?"

"Let me ask you a question before I answer that." When Jimmy nodded, slightly confused, Robert continued. "What are you going to do when this war comes in a few weeks?"

Jimmy shrugged slightly. "I hadn't really thought of it."

"You hadn't thought of it? War is at your back door right now James, and if what the paper's are sayin' is true, then you'll be out of a job soon. Don't you think it's time to start thinking about your future?"

"Just what are you gettin' at?"

"Josephine and I have been workin' with a certain group, involved in rescuing fugitive slaves. We've been continuing our fathers' work...we want you to be part of it."

"Me?"

"James, we know you don't agree with human bondage anymore than we do...we need protection in our line of work-"

"Oh, now I see what this is about. You only want me to be a hired gun." he said bitterly as he pushed himself up from the table.

Josephine reached out suddenly and put her hand over his. "James, we know that all those stories about "Wild Bill" are just that, stories. But you have to admit that you are very handy with a gun, you would be an asset. You'd also be helping people to freedom, please think about it."

"Look James, we grew up together, and I really do want you to join us, guns or not. We're leaving for Kansas in two days, and we'd really like your answer by tomorrow night. Why don't you meet us here for dinner, say six?" Robert asked.

Jimmy looked into Josephine's eyes and back to Robert. He nodded brusquely as he exited. Josephine turned to her brother, worriedly.

"Do you think it worked?"

"I don't know."

Jimmy had been walking around the empty streets for a couple of hours now, trying to arrange his thoughts. The offer was certainly tempting. Although Jimmy hadn't really admired his father as a man, he had to admit that there was honor in the abolitionist cause.

Robert was right. The war was coming, it would only be a few weeks now, and Jimmy had no plans. It hadn't been too long ago that he had sworn he wouldn't take part in the war. He didn't want to have any more blood on his hands, but if he did nothing, it would be the same as helping the south. Damned if I do, damned if I don't he thought bitterly.

He turned his thoughts to the other riders. They'd be leaving soon. he knew that Noah and Cody had expressed interest in fighting for the Union. Kid and Teaspoon had made no secret of their alignment with the South. Buck and Lou stood split in the middle. Jimmy had no doubt in his mind that when the time came, Lou would follow Kid wherever he went.

Jimmy made his mind up, then and there. His life would have purpose again. he would be instrumental in helping slaves gain their freedom, hopefully with a minimum of killing. He wouldn't have to put on a soldier's uniform, or carry a weapon for the Union. He'd be fighting for freedom, not territory.

For the first time in a few days, he felt at peace. He knew where his life was going. The only thing that troubled him was the fact that he'd have to confront the others with his plans. Josephine and Robert had said they were leaving in two days, and he was going with them. It wasn't going to be easy saying good-bye, but he knew he had to do it to keep is sanity.

Jimmy walked down the street, searching for any signs of Josephine or Robert. He had decided to come out early in the morning and tell them his decision, instead of waiting for dinner that night. He hadn't told the others of his plan, and he wasn't planning to until later that night.

Suddenly, he spotted the brother and sister talking in an alley with two other well-dressed men. He walked over quickly and smiled as Josephine turned to see him. She smiled back, and the conversation seemed to halt at his approach. The other men eyed him warily, but Robert greeted him warmly.

"I hope I ain't disturbin' you, but I just came to tell you that my answer is yes."

Josephine leapt into his arms and Jimmy was taken aback. "I knew we could count on you James."

"I'm glad you decided to join us. I hope you know that you're doing the right thing." Robert said as he extended his hand. "I'd like you to meet two of my associates, this is John Spencer and Peter Weller. And this, is James Hickok."

The two men seemed to recognize his name and smiled. They took his hand in turn and Jimmy wondered how two men that seemed to be so wealthy and soft could be involved in such work. Jimmy thought they looked like cowards, pampered and well-groomed. But then Jimmy remembered that many people involved in the secret society were well-educated and these were the people who supplied hiding places and supplies. Best not to let his dislike shine through, even though every instinct screamed at him not to trust the two men.

TO BE CONTINUED! Part II

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