By Hanny
March 26 1860
Dear Diary
Well, I guess this is the start of a new life for me. I just hope this life would be better than the previous. This is my only chance for doing something for myself and for my brother and sister.
I just got here today, to this little town called Sweetwater. It’s quite nice, for what I’ve seen. The town’s people seems to be nice, but I wouldn’t count on that. I’ve seen too many ‘nice’ people.
What am I doing here in the first place?
Well, I’m going to work here at the "Pony Express" station as a rider. Of course, I’ll have to act like a boy, and wear man’s clothes, but it’s the only way I can survive in this "Wild West" and maintain my dignity and self-respect. Hell, I’ve tried other things an look where it got me. Actually, this job is quite decent - carrying mail through the states, by young riders, for "Russell, Majors & Waddell". The company doesn’t hire women so I’ll have to disguise as a man. I just hope I’ll get away with this. I hope no one here will see what I really am.
And what exactly am I?
I guess I’m still a little girl still afraid of the shadow of older men. Afraid of being trapped again. Afraid of getting hurt again.
I hope those men here won’t be like that (well, at least they don’t know I’m a girl).
There are five more riders, besides me, all men, of course, a station manager named ‘Teaspoon’ Hunter and a lady, Miss Emma Shannon. She seems kind’a nice. She’s about thirty years old with red hair and kind eyes. I feel safer knowing she’s here, and I’m not the only girl around, even though she doesn’t know that. This ‘Teaspoon’ Hunter is a weird man. About fifty years old with shoulder-length gray hair and unshaven face. His eyes are soft and kind, quite a contrast to his whole appearance. The riders are about my age and each and everyone of them is unique in some way.
There is this blond man - William F. Cody. He is a bit arrogant, and he is really good with guns. Then there’s this James Butler Hickok - a handsome man with brown hair and brown eyes. He is a quick-tempered and he is quick on the gun. There is this Virginia boy. Blue eyes and brown curly hair. He is kind’a shy and he keeps his distance with the others. The forth rider is mute. His name is Ike McSwain and he’s really good around horses. He has no hair due to some illness he had when he was younger. His friend, Buck Cross - the fifth rider, taught him Indian sign-language and so he communicates with us through signs. That Buck fellow is a half-breed: half Kiowa and half white. He seems to know a lot about arrows and tracking. I just hope he won’t be hostile.
That’s what I’ve learned about this new place on my first day. I would have write some more but Miss Shannon called for us to come to dinner. I’m really hungry and tired.
I’ll keep up with this diary tomorrow.
Lou.
March 27,1860
Dear Diary
My second day on the "Pony Express" is now over. Thank God for that. I’m so tired. We’ve been training all day long. Got up early at sunrise and before breakfast we started to work at the station: feed the horses, clean the stables, chop wood for the fire, etc. After breakfast, which was really good, we began our training - riding, shooting and every other thing Teaspoon thought we should learn. I’m starting to like this man. He’s kind’a funny and he’s very smart. Miss Shannon, or Emma, as she wants us to call her, is very kind to us all. After our training, in the afternoon, she took us to see the town. We even met the Marshal, Sam Cain. Emma seems very fond of him. He is truly a good-looking man and he seems to like Emma too. Jimmy was fascinated with Sam and the way he handled some outlaws.
After dinner Teaspoon told us some stories about himself. He has been in the army and he was a ranger. He had an interesting life so far and he decided to try and teach riders for the "Pony Express" so that others could learn from his knowledge and experience.
Now we are at the bunkhouse getting ready to go to sleep. Ike and Buck are outside on the porch. The Virginia boy, or as we call him - the Kid, is lying on his bunk with his back to us. Cody is reading some dime-novel and Jimmy is cleaning his gun. Everyone is caught in his own thoughts. We all have a past and some of us probably wish they could change it. I know I do.
The most difficult thing in this charade of mine is sleeping with all of them in the same room. For start we don’t really know one another and secondly, they are all boys...
It looks like Jimmy and Cody found some common ground between them, and Ike and Buck are like brothers. I’m trying to concentrate on the job. I’m afraid that if I might get too close to them they will see right through me and find out I’m a girl and I can’t let that happen. I really need this job. The only one who seems to be apart from the rest of us with no apparent reason is this Kid. Maybe he thinks he’s better than the rest of us, maybe he’s just shy. Jimmy almost drew on him today but the Kid just kept his calm and walked away without saying anything. Boy, did that made Jimmy crazy or what.
Well, Cody is eyeing me suspiciously so I guess I’d better close up for tonight and turn over to get some sleep, waking up is only a few hours away. I think I should watch Cody very close, I have a feeling he would try to read this.
Good night,
Lou.
April 3, 1860
Dear Diary
A week passed since I last wrote, but nothing special happened. We started our training early in the morning and went to sleep only very late at night. Jimmy is still as impulsive as he was the first day and the Kid is still keeping apart from the rest of us. There seems to be some kind of tension between the two of them. The Kid isn’t really a snob as I first thought. He is just shy and he doesn’t want to get into any trouble, and it looks like Jimmy is a magnet for troubles. Tomorrow Kid is going on the first run. It’s quite exciting. I just hope Teaspoon taught us all we need to know and that we are ready for this kind of adventure. But to be honest, if any of us is ready for it’s the Kid. He looks as if he was born on a horse-back, and he is so serious and responsible. Now, if Cody would have been the first one to ride, we would have a reason to be worried.
My first run is in two days and I’m already excited. I’m riding to Blue Creek and I should be back home the next day. Woo, exciting! Kid is sleeping already. It’s like nothing bothers him. That’s kind’a weird. I mean the rest of us are growing to be like a family. We are beginning to know one-another and we are learning to depend on each-other, but he seems to be so far away. Even Buck, who is quite friendly, by the way, is more related to us then he is. Maybe, when he will be back from his run I’ll try to talk to him and maybe find out more about him. Everybody here is quite curious about him. I did find out that he is an orphan. But there’s nothing special about that. Not here anyway. All of us are orphans. Cody and Jimmy and Buck and Ike, who watched his family being killed and lost his ability to talk because of that. The only family we have right now is Teaspoon and Emma. We all grew to love them. They’re trying their best for us and they have patience for us from here to the moon.
Oh, I almost forgot - Sam Cain, the marshal, has been here tonight for dinner. Emma couldn’t take her eyes off of him. They were so cute. Of course Cody had some sarcastic remarks to make about them, but the rest of us shut him up. We are growing to be quite irritated by him and his behavior and his remarks.
Everybody is sleeping already and Jimmy just asked me to turn out the light so I guess I should stop now.
I’m not sure I can sleep, though. Not with all this excitement. But I’ll try anyhow.
Sweet dreams,
Lou.
April 4, 1860
Dear Diary,
I miss my ma and I miss my brother and my sister. I’m not sure anymore that what I did was the right thing to do. How could I leave them behind like that? And I haven’t even went to visit them since I left three years ago. They probably don’t even remember me.
But what were my options? Stay with them and only hope far a better future without doing anything to make sure that it will be better?
And I miss my ma. How could she leave me like that? Why did she have to go? I know that God takes only the best of people but knowing that doesn’t make me feel any better.
I really envied Ike this evening. He has been horse-kicked by the new horse we got for the station, while he was trying to break it in. Jimmy just wanted to shoot the horse but Ike wouldn’t let him, saying it was his fault. When Jimmy finally calm-down, Emma took Ike and sat him beside her on the bunk. She bandaged his wounded head and hugged him close to her heart, singing an old lullaby.
The pain was visible in everyone’s eyes. We all missed our mothers and at that moment we missed them the most. We all longed to be held like that, be cared for and loved like that. We all wanted to get a horse-kick.
Dinner continued without a sound. Even Cody was silent. We couldn’t take our eyes off of Emma and Ike who were now rocking silently in a united rhythm. I think I’ll ask Teaspoon for a day-off next week so I can go visit my brother and my sister at the orphanage. I only hope they still remember me.
I should go to sleep now. I’m going on a run tomorrow morning and I don’t have much time to sleep.
Good night,
Lou.
April 5, 1860
Dear Diary
I’m lying here on the ground under the black sky and I am so happy. I can’t remember feeling like this in a very long time.
Too long.
The sky is so clear. Not a single cloud to hide the stars or the fool moon. I can almost touch it. It’s an amazing sight. The fire keeps me warm and provides me with just enough light to write.
I miss Cody’s sneers. I can’t believe it but I grew accustomed to it and now I can’t sleep without it.
When Kid came back last night he seemed to be more peaceful. He even talked to me, actually talked to me, and gave me a few tips for my run. His blue eyes sparked with happiness. He looked so handsome.
What am I saying?
I can’t fall for him, or for anyone else for that matter. For start, they grew to be like a family to me, and secondly, I’m supposed to be a boy, and I don’t think any of them is of that kind.
But I can’t stop thinking about them. They’re getting dressed and undressed in front of me, and I feel so embarrassed every time they start their men-talk.
Especially Cody and Jimmy. Always talking about the girls they have been with or criticize the girls in Sweetwater. There was one time when they tried to drag me into one of their discussions of a girl named Milly, but I excused myself telling them I was too tired to talk.
I don’t know how much longer I will be able to keep my secret if they continue their current behavior. But I can’t think of a reason for them to stop or change it.
That’s just too many confusing thoughts for just one night so I’d better just go to sleep before my mind drifts to things I shouldn’t think about.
Good night,
Lou.
April 8, 1860
Dear Diary
Oh, my God. I just kissed one of them. and the one I least expected to.
So many things have happened in the last couple of days, I just can’t believe it. Maybe it was all just a dream. But then again, do I want it to be only a dream?
It all began on my way back to Sweetwater from Blue Creek.
I stopped at one of the way stations to get my horse when a dozen men, outlaws of course, asked me, or more correctly demanded of me, to give them my pouch. I tried to ride away, but their leader shot me. Nothing serious but I fell of my horse and hurt my head. Next thing I remember is being carried by the Kid inside the station. He lay me down on the bed, and wanted to check out my wound. He pulled up my shirt to have a better look at the wound. I tried to stop him, but he had already seen everything there was to see.
I can’t describe his expression when he found out. He was quite surprised, to say the least. All he could master to say was "Lou...". Once he came back to his senses I told him the truth: how I ran away from the orphanage, how I’m planing on making enough money so I can take my brother and sister out of there so we all be able to live a better life. I even told him my real name: Louise McCloud. I asked him not to tell anybody about me being a girl but he didn’t promise anything. He told me that when I get better he’ll think about it, but for now he won't say a thing.
When the others came, we went after the gang that attacked me, in spite of Kid’s objection. He said I shouldn’t ride with them cause I’m hurt and I would slow them down. When I said I’m fine, for a moment there I thought he might tell them but he didn’t. We all rode after the gang and thanks to the guns Ike brought us we were able to defeat them. Back at Sweetwater we turned them in to the marshal but they escaped at night, killing the deputy that guarded them, and hurting Sam. The next day, when the Kid was on a run, two members of that gang tried to kill him but he managed to escape them after he shot them dead. Katy, Kid’s beloved mare, wasn’t as lucky as the Kid - she got shot in her leg and couldn’t walk. Kid thought he might have to kill her when Sam came and helped him take the bullet out of her leg and save her.
This evening, when the sun was setting down, I approached the Kid while he was attending to Katy. I wanted to thank him for not telling my secret and then he gave me his word to keep it with him. I kissed him on the cheek after I made sure no one was watching and he turned his head and kissed me fully on the lips. It was the first time I ever kissed a man and I have to say it was quite nice.
I can still feel his lips pressed on mine.
Oh, well.
Good night,
Lou.
April 10, 1860
Dear Diary
We had a couple of quiet nights that were soon forgotten when Cody came back from his run to tell us about this gunman - Longley. Oh well, some people just can’t seem to be able to shut-up.
The bunkhouse is quite silent now. Everyone is once again caught in his own thoughts. This time the memories arousing due to Emma’s watch. I happened to see the watch at dinner when she passed the food and I asked if I could look at it more closely. The watch passed between us and when Jimmy had it he said it didn’t work. Emma said that it worked just fine and when Jimmy asked her if she could hear anything she said she can hear, "memories".
Later, each one of us was lying on his bunk holding his memorabilia and thinking about his home. Jimmy said that he didn’t need memories and that he’d be better off without them. But I don’t believe that. I don’t think even he believes that.
Things seem to be smoother between Jimmy and the Kid ever since that incident we had with those outlaws who shot me. Jimmy seems to accept the fact that the Kid is more introverted and the Kid seems to accept the fact that Jimmy is... well, Jimmy. They’re both kinda the same. They’re both of the leader kind of men - strong-minded, and bull-headed, honest and non-compromising men. They’re growing to be quite close, though the closest person to the Kid here is probably me. Ever since he found out I’m a girl I can talk to him more easily without being afraid of saying something I shouldn’t. For some reason he seems to be more at ease with me now then before. Maybe he feels as if we are sharing some kind of a bond. Maybe we do. All I know is that I can’t stop thinking about that kiss we shared. I’m waiting impatiently for another one. It was so soft and so tender just like satin or velvet. I can still taste his lips. Oh, God. What’s the matter with me? I shouldn’t think these kind of thoughts. It isn’t proper. What would my mother think? What would Emma think? But Emma will never know, will she?
She, and everybody else, except for the Kid, still believe I’m a boy. Wrrr. I want to shout out: HEY, CAN’T YOU SEE? I’M A GIRL!!! But I won’t. I can’t. At least now I have the Kid to talk to without the need to disguise myself. I feel I’m blushing every time I think about him, even now, and it’s getting worse when I talk to him.
Every time Teaspoon, or any of the others, says something like "you boys...", Kid and I exchange a look. I feel kinda relieved that he knows, and he seems kinda relieved having someone to talk to. And we spend hours talking. I told him of how my ma died and I told him about the orphanage and how I escaped from there, leaving my brother and my sister behind. Of course I left some parts of my story out, but there are some things I don't dare think about even for myself. It’s just too painful.
Kid told me about his home in Virginia and just how much he misses it. He told me that his parents died and that he has no family left. His voice nearly broke when he talked about them.
We haven’t talked about that kiss yet and every time we get an eye contact, one of us breaks it. I guess we’re both pretty embarrassed by it, and we both don’t really know what and how we should feel. It’s quite new for me, though I don’t know about him. I can only hope it’s new for him as well.
It’s getting pretty late so I guess I should turn over to sleep.
G’night
Lou.
Read Part II
Copyright 1998-This work is not to be reproduced without the permission of the author
