Lingering Doubts

Part II

By Jessica

Kid shifted in his saddle uncomfortably. The sun beat down mercilessly on his back and sweat streamed down his face. He was halfway to Willow Springs, but he hadn't even noticed the scenery. His mind was still on Lou and the previous night's quarrel. Had she really told him that she wouldn't marry him? He tried to put her out of his mind, but he couldn't. He knew that she'd fled to Rachel's to cry her heart out. He also knew that he should've followed her and told her that he hadn't meant anything he said, but his pride wouldn't let him.

He'd felt like a fool. He'd been embarrassed in front of Noah, and he knew that it wouldn't be long before the others found out. I shouldn't be mad...we weren't involved then. Still, it hurts to think that she was kissing another man, and not just any man, but Jimmy. Kid stopped for a moment and reflected. Would I have gotten so upset if she'd kissed Noah or Buck? He didn't even have to think about that one. It was because she'd kissed Jimmy that he'd been so hurt. He knew that Jimmy loved Lou just as much as him, and that scared him.

The others loved Lou, but not in the same way. They loved her as a sister. But not Jimmy. Kid very well knew that Jimmy wouldn't hesitate to lay his life down for the petite woman. Jimmy didn't think that Kid knew just how deep his feelings ran. He'd caught Jimmy looking at Lou the same way he did, with eyes full of love and adulation. A fierce love that clouded his judgment and actions. It wasn't Lou's fault, and he knew she certainly didn't encourage Jimmy. She was almost afraid to let anyone love her, mistrustful of their intentions.

He suddenly realized what an ass he'd been. Lou loved him, he knew that. If she'd wanted to be with Jimmy, she would have been with him long ago. As soon as he got home he was going to run to her and tell her how sorry he was, and that he didn't care if she'd kissed Jimmy. He was so deep in thought that he hadn't noticed how close to the edge of the deep canyon he'd gotten to. Suddenly, Katy reared up in reaction to a rattlesnake who'd wandered into her path. Kid tried to get control of his horse, but he realized a little too late that they were going to fall off the edge.

Jimmy rubbed his head and tried to fight down the wave of nausea that swept over him as he stood up unsteadily. He looked around the empty bunkhouse, and realized that by the amount of sunlight streaming through the window, he was extremely late in getting up. He looked out the window and spotted Jesse in the yard, but he failed to see anyone else. He walked out on the porch and shielded his eyes as he looked out in the distance.

Jesse noticed his presence and with thinly-disguised disgust walked towards Rachel's. Jimmy looked after him in confusion, but soon memories from the night before flooded into his mind. After the others had left for the dance, he'd rode off to the outskirts of town and drowned an entire flask of whiskey. He didn't try to lie himself anymore. He wasn't upset about the coming war or the eventual disbanding of the Express; he was disturbed because the only woman he'd ever truly loved was marrying his best friend. He new he'd never find another woman like Lou, and in all probability, he'd never see her again after the war started. This was the only factor that forced him to become sullen and withdrawn, but he couldn't admit it to himself before last night.

He winced as he thought about how he'd handled her when she returned. He also made a face as he thought of how he'd viscously told Kid about the kiss they'd shared. He had left the bunkhouse shortly after that admission, but he knew the storm he'd left in his wake hadn't turned out well. Upon his return in the early morning hours, he vaguely remembered spying the valuable bracelet Kid'd given Lou for her birthday lying carelessly on the table. He knew he had to face Lou and Kid sometime, but he didn't think he was up to it at the moment.

He turned to go back into the bunkhouse, but stopped as a shrill voice called across the yard. "James Hickok, I want to have a few words."

Jimmy cursed under his breath and turned around while Rachel trudged across the dry dirt. Her body language was furious, and for a moment, Jimmy thought about hightailing it out of there. She finally made it to the porch and looked straight into his eyes.

"You know, I always knew you were jealous of Kid and Lou, but I never thought you were so vindictive and cruel."

Jimmy was stung by her accusation, but in his heart he knew it was true. "Don't you have anything to say for yourself?" Rachel asked.

"No."

"Well, I just thought you might like to know that Lou is planning on leaving on the next stagecoach out of here in two days. I hope you're happy." Rachel spat as she stormed back to her house, leaving Jimmy staring after her, his jaw agape.

He quickly followed her and stood in the doorway looking at her. "What are you talkin' about?" he asked a bit unkindly.

"The marriage is off Jimmy! You don't think Lou would want to stay here with Kid...and you."

"But...can't you talk her into stayin'? I'll leave...I didn't mean for any of this to happen." Jimmy said sadly as he sunk to a chair.

Rachel looked at him in pity and felt her heart soften toward him. When Lou had come in crying last night and finally told her what had happened, Rachel had wanted to murder Jimmy. Lou had reluctantly told her that Jimmy had been drunk, trying to make excuses for his behavior, even as her world was falling apart.

"Why don't you go talk to her, she went out to the creek." Rachel said softly as she walked out of the kitchen.

Jimmy wasted no time saddling his horse, even though his pounding head protested with each step he took. He was soon on his way to the creek, imagining what he was going to say to Lou. She was no doubt ready to kill him, or hurt him at the very least. He was starting to feel a bit uneasy, but he was resolved to talk to Lou and that's what he was going to do.

Lou tried to stifle the sob that threatened to escape her lips, but she wasn't very successful. Lightning perked his ears, seeming to understand his owner's distress. She sat on the soft earth, looking into the creek's rushing water. She had ridden out early in the morning, hoping to avoid Jimmy and the others. She decided it was time for her to leave.

She didn't want to leave her home, but she couldn't stay there with Kid. She'd already watched as he'd almost fallen in love with another woman, and she was determined not to live through that pain again. Then there was Jimmy. Lou knew that it was the alcohol talking last night, but he obviously held some hostility towards her.

She'd made up her mind to sell Lightning, as much as it pained her, and finally go retrieve her brother and sister. She'd managed to save up enough money to last them a few months, but she knew she'd have to start looking for a job as soon as they settled. She was about to stand up and leave when she heard footsteps behind her. She whirled around and looked straight into Jimmy's eyes.

"Look...I don't have the strength to fight you right now, s you can head on back home." Lou said quietly as she turned back to the water.

Jimmy didn't say anything as he sat down next to her. She looked at him sharply and noted the dark circles under her eyes and her swollen lips.

"Oh God...did I do that?" Jimmy asked as he reached out to touch her lips. She turned away from his hand quickly and didn't answer his question. It was too much.

"I'm so sorry Lou...I never meant to hurt you, I'd rather die than hurt you."

"It's a little late for that, don't you think?" Lou spat sarcastically as she stood up and headed for her horse. She paused for a moment, but then turned around and approached jimmy cautiously. "Jimmy...it ain't your fault. If this didn't happen, then something else would have. Kid just doesn't love me like I thought he did." with that, she turned around and mounted Lightning.

Before she could take off however, Jimmy was at her side, holding the reigns. "You're wrong Lou. Kid loves you more than anything in this world, that's why it hurt him so much that you and I..."

"We weren't even together then Jimmy. Hell, wasn't it Kid who was ready to get killed in some duel for a woman days after we broke up?"

"That was different Lou."

"How?"

"He was tryin' to get over you, he didn't really love her Lou, and I think you know that. Now...I ain't sayin' Kid has a right to be mad at you, because it was my fault, but I understand him Lou. I'm his best friend...I knew things weren't finished between the two of you when I...kissed you. I'm the one he should be mad at, not you. I betrayed him."

Lou thought back to the night she and Jimmy had shared the intimate kiss, and she remembered how hurt and lost he was. She covered his hand with hers and looked deep into his eyes. "Jimmy...you didn't know what you were doin'. You only wanted to be comforted."

"No. I love you Lou. I always have and I always will."

Lou didn't seem too shocked at his confession, so he continued. "I remember that night in Willow Springs, I kept hoping that Kid and Samantha would become a couple, so that you and I could...But the way you cried over him, I knew that you loved him and always would, and nothing anyone did would ever change that. You two belong together."

"Kid doesn't think so."

"Yes he does. Lou, you know how Kid gets. It was a shock for him and he took his anger out on you. It wasn't right, but it happened, and I intend to fix it. But I need you to stay her until Kid gets back so I can clear things up."

"Jimmy, I..."

"Lou, please, just promise me that you won't leave until Kid gets back."

Maybe it was the urgency in his voice, or the silent plea in his brown eyes, but whatever it was, Lou nodded in ascent. Jimmy relaxed visibly and tried to smile. Without warning, Lou slid off Lightning and hugged Jimmy tightly.

"Jimmy, I love you too, but..."

"Shh...I know Lou, I know."

She looked into his understanding eyes and knew that all had been resolved between them. All his hostility seemed to vanish and seemed to be replaced with something else that Lou couldn't quite put words too. The world seemed to have been lifted off his shoulders and Lou guessed it had something to do with his confession. He'd been holding it inside for so long, but now he'd finally released it. He seemed at peace, or close to it, and Lou hadn't seen him like that in a long time. He gave her hand a tight squeeze and smiled at her.

"Come on, we better get home before Rachel thinks something happened to me."

Kid opened his eyes somewhat reluctantly and quickly closed them again as the bright sunlight hit them. He wrinkled his forehead in pain and tried to remember where he was. He again attempted to open his eyes and this time they remained open. He seemed to be lying at the bottom of a vast ravine, and at the moment sharp rocks were digging into his back. He tried to sit up, but pain shot through his middle and he knew that his several of his ribs were either bruised badly or broken altogether.

He suddenly remembered the previous day's events. Katy had been spooked by a snake and the two had tumbled off the cliff. He quickly looked around to find his faithful horse, but she was nowhere to be found. The afternoon sun seemed to be cooking him and he knew he had to find some shelter from the heat. He looked into the no-so-far distance and made out several caves. He took a deep breath and tried to stand, but pain so intense that he lost consciousness shot through his leg.

When he finally came to again, he looked down at his leg and noticed how oddly it was angled. Dread filled his heart as he knew it was broken. He couldn't move, but he had to get out of the vicious heat. Despite his body's protest, he turned over and began to pull himself towards the rocky shelters using his hands.

What seemed like hours later, he had finally reached one of the dark enclosures. Sweat poured from his body and his hands were bloody from the effort, but he was at least safe from the heat. He closed his eyes and sent a silent prayer that Katy would some how make her way back to the way station, alerting the others to his precarious situation. Night would soon settle and then the desert's cold air would whip through the territory. He had no way of building a fire and knew that in all probability, he wouldn't last another day without help.

"What are you doin' out here Lou?" Jimmy asked as he sat next to the petite girl on the porch.

"Kid should have been back early this mornin'."

"Ah...you know how mail gets delayed sometimes Lou."

"What if he ain't comin' back Jimmy?"

"What are you talkin' about Lou?"

"Jimmy, he was so hurt...what if he decided not to even bother comin' back?"

Before Jimmy could answer, they both focused their attention of the frantic sound of neighing. Lou stood up first, instinct telling her that something wasn't right. As she walked closer to the sound, Katy came into view and Lou smiled, but it faded as soon as she saw that the horse was galloping alone. Jimmy soon joined her and they both began running towards the horse to stop her mad pace. Her eyes were wild, but it didn't take long for the animal to calm down.

Buck had since joined them and began looking over the injured horse. Lou's eyes grew wide as she took stock of the blood running down the horse's leg and the amount of red dirt that seemed to be painted on her left side.

"Looks like she took a tumble." Buck said quietly as he continued his examination. "She's goin' to be all right once she's cleaned up and rested."

"Oh God...where's Kid?" Lou asked, more to herself than anyone else.

"That's what I plan on finding out." Jimmy almost growled as he stalked off to the barn to prepare his horse.

"I'm goin' with you." Lou respond as she marched after him.

Jimmy knew better than to argue with the stubborn woman so he didn't say anything. When the two were mounted and ready to leave, Buck nodded to them and waved them off as he led Katy to the stable.

"Where's Kid, huh?" Buck asked seriously, as if hoping for a reply.

The pair had been riding for hours and Jimmy was getting tired. He had just about given up all hope of finding his friend, but the look in Lou's eyes spurned him on. It was getting dark, and he knew it would almost be impossible to see anything once the velvet night spread on the territory.

"Lou...why don't we make camp for the night, and start looking again tomorrow."

"No."

"Lou, we won't be able to see anything in a few minutes."

"If you want to stop Jimmy, then do it, but I'm going to keep looking for him."

Jimmy stopped his horse and was about to argue with her, when something caught his eye. He cautiously approached the edge of the dark canyon below.

"What is it?" Lou asked quietly as she approached Jimmy.

"Look at the edge...looks like something, or someone took a chunk out of it."

Lou's eyes filled with hope as she looked at Jimmy. Buck had said something about Katy taking a bad spill, maybe horse and rider had fallen off the cliff. She looked to the bottom and suddenly felt sick. It was a long way down, what if Kid was seriously hurt.

Without waiting for Jimmy, she jumped off Lightning and led him to an obscure trail that led to the bottom of the seemingly huge abyss. Jimmy followed her without question and it wasn't long before the two were looking for any signs that Kid had indeed been here.

"He's not here." Lou said, kicking the dirt in frustration.

"Maybe he made his way to he nearest town." Jimmy said, trying to sound hopeful, even though he knew that if Kid had fallen off the cliff, he would have been hurt too badly to make his way anywhere on foot.

Lou didn't answer, but looked around in the darkness. "Are those caves over there?"

"I think..."

"Maybe he's over there..."

"Lou...I didn't want to say this, but Kid has to be badly hurt if he did survive that fall. I don't think he could make it all the way over there."

"Jimmy, I know he's alive. I would know if he were dead, and so would you. Are you tellin' me you think he's dead?"

Jimmy didn't flinch as he looked her straight in the eyes. "Yes."

"Well, you're wrong." Lou said as she started running towards the jutted rocks.

Jimmy didn't follow her this time, but sank to the ground.

"Kid? Kid...are you here?" Lou called into the cave breathlessly. She was desperate and the tone in her voice betrayed that. Kid was alive, she knew that, and something told her that he was in one of these caverns.

"Kid...please answer me."

She heard a soft moan and dared to hope it was Kid. She groped her way into the darkness and stumbled on something soft.

"Kid...Kid is that you?"

"Lou?" came the confused reply.

"Kid! It's really you..." Lou replied through sobs as she sought his face.

"I'm hurt Lou...can't move my leg."

"We're goin' to get you out of here."

"We?"

"Jimmy's here, he's outside...hold on."

Kid smiled in the darkness as he heard Lou screaming for Jimmy, the joy evident in her voice. How could he ever doubt her love? It wasn't long before he heard heavy footsteps, treading softly.

"Kid...where are you?"

He recognized Jimmy's voice and detected immense relief. "I'm here." he called weakly.

"Where are you hurt?" Lou softly asked beside him.

"My leg...it's broken...I think some ribs are broken too." he sputtered.

"Lou...we gotta get him out in the moonlight so we can see him." Jimmy said quietly. "You grab his legs and I'll get his upper boy, then we're gonna carry him real gentle-like, you got me?"

"Yeah...be careful with him." Lou replied.

"Don't worry. Are you ready? One, two, three, lift now."

Kid tried to hold in his gasps of pain, knowing that it would only worry Lou, but against his will they escaped his dry lips. It was over before he knew it though and soon he was able to trace the outlines of Lou's face as gazed at him in worry.

Suddenly she kissed his cheek and began to cry in relief. He put his arms around her and tried to comfort her. "I was so scared Kid...I thought I'd lost you and..."

"Shh...you can't get rid of me so easily." Kid replied, trying to lighten the mood.

He saw Jimmy peer over Lou's head and he smiled at his friend. Jimmy returned the smile and handed his canteen to Lou.

"Give him some of this while I look over this leg."

Lou took the bottle and gently held it to her lover's lips. He drank it gratefully and looked into Lou's tired eyes. He winced in pain as Jimmy's probing hands came in contact with his wound.

"We're gonna have to set it before we move him." Jimmy said tightly as he looked at Lou.

"What do you need?"

"You stay here...I'll get whatever I need." Jimmy said as he walked off, knowing the you couple needed time to be alone.

"Lou...I'm so sorry. I acted like a fool."

"You can make it up to me when we get back." Lou smiled as she brought his hand to her lips.

"What did you have in mind?"

"Hmm...I need to think about that one." Lou replied just as Jimmy returned with two thick branches.

"Kid...I ain't goin' to lie to you, this is goin' to hurt like hell, but I gotta do it."

"Just don't enjoy it too much." Kid replied playfully as Jimmy began to tear his trousers from the knee down. Lou didn't dare look at the injury, knowing it would probably make her sick.

"Here goes..."

Kid screamed in pain as Jimmy straightened his leg out. He thought the agony would drive him insane, but Lou was beside him, whispering to him soothingly.

"What now?" Lou asked

"Now, I have to bound it up so his leg can't move. I need a couple of strips of cloth."

Without thinking, Lou took her jacket off and then removed her thick wool shirt. She wordlessly handed it to Jimmy and pulled her jacket over the thin undershirt she wore.

It didn't take long for Jimmy to finish his task and soon he was beside Lou looking down at Kid's dirt-streaked face. "All right Kid...it's time to go home."

Lou poked her head in the door and smiled at Kid's innocent expression. He was deep in sleep and even had drool running down the side of his face. She quietly walked to the bed and wiped the saliva off his face with her hand. His eyes fluttered open at her light touch.

"Hey sleepyhead, how you doin'?"

"I'd be better if you crawled in her beside me." he returned mischievously.

"Well, in the interest of the patient..." Lou smiled as she gently slipped underneath the covers to cradle her head on his chest.

It had been two weeks since they'd brought a bruised and battered Kid home. Rachel had put him in her spare room while he was recuperating so the other's wouldn't bother him. The doctor had been optimistic about Kid's recovery and explained how Jimmy's actions had saved his life. He and Jimmy had never talked about the night before Kid's ride. He didn't think it was necessary. He knew that Lou loved him and that the kiss she and Jimmy'd shared was in the past. Nothing between him and Jimmy had been resolved, but they seemed to settle into a truce of sorts, for a while anyway.

Kid brought his hand up to caress Lou's cheek. She looked into his eyes and smiled. She thought about how close she'd come to losing him forever and her face clouded momentarily.

"Hey, what are you thinkin' about?" he asked quietly.

"I was just tryin' to think of what you were gonna do to apologize properly."

Kid laughed softly and brought her face to his. He kissed her, softly at first. However, soon she was breathless and looked at him in amusement.

"How's that?"

"Well...it's a start. But you have plenty of time, the rest of your life in fact."

The End

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