(The riders are lined up against the fence, staring at a water trough. This is the first time we see all the riders together. Suddenly, Teaspoon emerges from the water, wipes his face with a horse's tail, and begins rubbing something under his arms. The riders are disgusted)
TEASPOON: Bear grease boys, the secret of health.(He climbs out of the trough and addresses his new employees) This here pony express is two thousand miles. St. Joe Missouri all the way to Sacramento, California. One-hundred-ninety way stations, five hundred of the best Indian ponies. You will ride seventy-five miles, flat out.
CODY: That would kill the horses.
TEASPOON: (Eyeing Cody) You will change mounts five or six times a day. We figure you shouldn't run any animal more than fifteen miles. (He walks by all of them and stops at Buck) Half blood, huh. Kiowa?
BUCK: Kiowa.
TEASPOON: (Pulling out a bucket of arrows and holding one up for Buck to see) What's this one?
BUCK: Teton Lakota, Sioux.
TEASPOON: How 'bout this one?
BUCK: Comanche.
TEASPOON: What about this one?
BUCK: (studies it and smiles) This one you made.
TEASPOON: (impressed) Boys, I'm here to learn you my bag of tricks. And you will learn them good. (Walks to Jimmy) Wearing that colt a mite low ain't you?
JIMMY: Feels about right.
TEASPOON: Got a hair trigger?
JIMMY: Yep.
TEASPOON: What's your name?
JIMMY: (lazily) Jimmy.
TEASPOON: Your full name.
JIMMY: (sarcastically) Hickok, James Butler Hickok.
TEASPOON: Well get this Mr. Hickok, I don't like no hair trigger around me. You're here for riding, not gun fighting. But if its trouble you want, you'll get a belly-full. (Moves on to Ike) What's your name? (Ike doesn't say anything, and Teaspoon knocks off his hat) Speak up!
BUCK: He can hear but he can't talk.
TEASPOON: What's his name?
BUCK: Ike McSwain. He's real good around horses.
TEASPOON: That right? (Ike nods) Well, guess it don't matter so much that you
can't talk as long as you can ride. I suspect some of you boys here won't be so lucky as Ike and lose your hair from Scarlet fever. More than likely an Indian will get some of yours. You for instance (stops in front of Cody who is lounging against the fence with his head down. Teaspoon bends down and looks up at him) And what is your name?
CODY: Cody. William F. Cody. Billy if you like.
TEASPOON: (slapping him lightly to make Cody look at him) No, I don't like. Think you're pretty hot stuff, don't ya?
CODY: Yep.
TEASPOON: Cowpies.
(Cody picks up his rifle and aims for a rope suspending hay over some grazing cattle. He hits the rope and the cows scatter, much to the other riders' amazement.)
TEASPOON: Don't need to impress me Cody. I ain't gonna be chasing you. (moves on to Lou) Sure you can cut this work? You look to me to be a mite puny.
(Lou hands him her glasses, vaults onto her horse and proceeds to do a series of stunts. She returns and wordlessly stands in front of Teaspoon.)
TEASPOON: Puny, but spry! (Stops in front of Kid and looks at him a minute) I guess you're a dead shot too? Hard as nails?
KID: Need the work.
TEASPOON: You got a rifle? (Kid shakes his head) No? Want me to issue you one?
KID: No thanks, just as soon save the weight.
TEASPOON: You don't seem quite as thick as some of these other boys…We'll see…
(Addressing all of them) Boys, you're gonna be riding a thousand miles day and night. Not even the devil himself is gonna make no never mind. You're gonna tie these United States together, and do yourselves proud.
(Jimmy is practicing shooting, and has just hit three cans lined on the fence. Everyone is impressed, except Kid, who is sleeping. Jimmy walks over and nudges him with his boot)
JIMMY: Hey Kid! (kicks him and Kid turns his face up to Jimmy) I just hit three for three. Can you do that?
KID: (nods)
JIMMY: Let's see.
KID: That would cost money.
JIMMY: (Sighing and dropping a few coins into his upturned hat) Let's see.
(Kid gets up and proceeds to not only hit three cans but shoot them again in midair. He starts to walk back to his spot, but Jimmy blocks his path and acts as if he's challenging him to a gunfight. Kid starts to walk past him)
JIMMY: You ain't afraid of me?
KID: You could get me in trouble. I don't want no trouble, and I don't want to hurt anyone.
JIMMY: I was just foolin'.
KID: No you weren't.
JIMMY: (Sheepishly) No, I weren't.
KID: Why you act like that?
JIMMY: (Shrugs) I don't know.
(Kid walks off, disgusted)
(Emma has taken the boys to Sweetwater for the first time.)
EMMA: You boys are in Sweetwater now, not out at the station house. I want you to put on your town manners. (Cody nods to some prostitutes who smile at him) Billy!
CODY: Aw, Emma!
JIMMY: No need to mother us, Emma.
EMMA: If you didn't act so much like you needed mothering you'd get a lot less of it!
(Kid rides up to find Lou on the ground, injured. He carries her inside and attempts to take care of her)
KID: You'll be okay Lou, just let me see how bad…
LOU: (Trying to push his hand away) No, don't.
KID: (Lifts her shirt and is quite surprised) Lou!
LOU: What's the matter Kid? Never seen a girl before?
(The riders have found the outlaws that robbed the station and shot Lou. They are perched on some rocks above them, trying to figure out what to do.)
LOU: Well, we found them.
CODY: Buck was right. Look at all of them!
JIMMY: That's the one we saw in town.
BUCK: Look at all those guns.
JIMMY: Let's rush 'em!
BUCK: He's even crazier than we thought!
CODY: They got buffalo guns and fresh horses. We got little fire power and not a lot of cover!
JIMMY: What's all that talk, Cody? You scared?
CODY: Them ain't cans on a fence down there, Jimmy.
JIMMY: So, ride out.
CODY: (Stares at him in disbelief, then goes for his throat)
BUCK: (separating them) Don't you think the odds are bad enough?
(The boys are gathered around the table for dinner)
EMMA: Hope you boys are hungry!
CODY: I was born hungry Emma!
TEASPOON: Yeah, that's the trouble with you. You got swinish habits. I suppose
you don't know that glutton is one of the seven deadly sins?
CODY: Yeah? What are the others?
TEASPOON: Well, let's see…there's…um…(laughs) Never mind.
CODY: Well, don't matter. I'll get around to them sooner or later!
(Buck and Jimmy are outside. Jimmy is teasing a rattlesnake while Buck looks on)
BUCK: He take one bite out of you it's all over, my friend.
JIMMY: Maybe I'll take a bite outta him!
(Jimmy draws his gun and shoots the snake. He turns to walk back toward Buck. Another snake crawls out, and Buck sees it. Jimmy does not. Buck quickly hurls his knife at the snake, and Jimmy jumps back in surprise. He sees the snake pinned under the knife and looks a little sick)
BUCK: Remember Hickok, there's always one more waiting.
(Everyone is in the General store. Kid finds some cologne and rubs some on. He then walks over to stand behind Lou, who is discreetly studying a bonnet, hoping to woo her. Her face twists in disgust and she glances at him)
LOU: You smell like a whore house!
KID: What? (hurt) How would you know?
LOU: I know more than you think. Now go get fifty pounds of pinto beans. (She pushes him away. He walks toward Cody)
CODY: Something wrong? (he suddenly smells Kid) Ooh, nobody light a match!
(Kid walks away, and approaches Jimmy who makes a disgusted face and starts clawing the air)
(The gunfighter Longley has just entered the store where all the riders are standing lined up against the counter.)
LONGLEY: Pardon me, who owns the palomino outside?
KID: She belongs to all of us.
CODY: (whispers to them) That's Longley, the gunfigher I told you about.
(Jimmy grins recklessly)
LONGLEY: I'll make it easy for you. Who was riding her a couple hours ago on the trail south of town?
CODY: (nervously) Now mister, whatever it is you want…
JIMMY: That'd be me.
LONGLEY: Ah, well, you owe me an apology.
CODY: Sounds fair to me.
JIMMY: For what?
LONGLEY: For the mud bath I took when you spooked my horse.
JIMMY: Well, if I spooked your horse, I didn't mean to.
LONGLEY: No, that doesn't sound like an apology.
JIMMY: Sorry… (pauses, then grins) But apologizing is something I only do on Sundays. Today is Tuesday.
LONGLEY: Oh, you have no manners. Did your mother breed you in a gutter?
JIMMY: (Starts after him and the others pull him back) Don't you talk about her!
LONGLEY: All right. I've wasted enough of my time now boy. Either you apologize now, as though you mean it, or step outside while I'll exact restitution.
(Jimmy nods, accepting the challenge, and Longley leaves.)
KID: Are you crazy!
(Jimmy just shakes his head)
(The riders bring Jimmy back to the station after Kid punched him out in order to stop him from fighting Longley. When Jimmy comes to he rushes Kid, and they begin fighting on a pile of hay. Teaspoon sees what is happening, and walks to the trough where he fills a bucket with water.)
TEASPOON: Buying supplies can be tiresome, but I never did know it to start a war. (Teaspoon throws a bucket of water onto both boys, and they stand up, sputtering.)
EMMA: What's going on?
JIMMY: He hit me!
KID: I stopped a killing, probably his!
JIMMY: If you ever do that again, it's going to be me and you Kid!
KID: If you had any sense, I wouldn't have to!
(The boys are sitting around the table, discussing the trouble with the Kiowa)
TEASPOON: The indians are fighting for their way of life, that's all. Just like our kin fought the British almost a hundred years ago. 'Cept the indians are called savages. Our kin was called patriots. Probably because they won.
JIMMY: Fine. Next time an indian chases me, I'll get off my horse and sing him Yankee Doodle.
CODY: Then he'll kill you for sure!
(The boys and Lou think Buck has betrayed them to the Kiowa. After a nasty fight in the bunkhouse, Buck is gone. The rest of the riders are sitting on the porch with Teaspoon, trying to decide what to do about Buck)
TEASPOON: Sometimes that's just the way life is. You can get caught up in the middle of forces you got no control over. Like Buck is right now. Under the circumstances I'd say he is doing a better job than I could…You boys think it over and let me know what you want me to tell him.
(There is silence as the riders glance at each other uneasily. Then, without looking up, Jimmy speaks.)
JIMMY: How 'bout telling him not to snore anymore, cause his bunk is right next to mine.
TEASPOON: Now hold on, Jimmy. I can't promise you no miracles.
(The boys, Lou, and Emma are trying to put a wheel back onto a buckboard. The boys are struggling under the weight of the wagon while Lou and Emma try to slide the wheel on it.)
LOU: A little more, just a little more, great! Hold it! A little more, just a little more! Hold it!
(A young woman drives up in a buckboard, and Cody is the only one to spot her. His eyes get dreamy and he lets go of his end, while the others groan in pain.)
CODY: Tell me I ain't died and gone to heaven!
JIMMY: (turning purple) You're gonna die if you don't help!
KID: And it ain't gonna be heaven you're going to!
(They finally get the wheel on, and Jimmy swipes Cody with his hat)
JIMMY: What the hell got into you, letting go like that?
CODY: That!(points at the woman, and they all look) See, she smiled at me!
JIMMY: You wish! It's me she's smiling at. You're just too cock-eyed to tell the difference!
CODY: Then who is she waving at?
JIMMY: (waving behind him) Me!
EMMA: (who has been watching them with much amusement) Me! (She walks to the woman) Hello Abigail! (Emma and Abigail engage in conversation.)
CODY: I'm in love!
JIMMY: With yourself!
LOU: Okay, so she looks nice in a dress…
JIMMY: She fills it out real nice.
LOU: What do you think Kid?
KID: (realizing he's been staring, shifts uncomfortably, and looks away) Safer not to.
LOU: Okay so Abigail McPherson's pretty…
(Jimmy and Cody look at her sharply and Lou rolls her eyes)
LOU: All right, she's beautiful. But can she ride?
JIMMY: Funny I's just thinkin' the same thing!
EMMA:(Returning to the boys) Well, Jimmy, Cody, you're both wrong. She's smiling at Lou!
JIMMY/CODY: At Lou?
(Kid slaps Lou on the back, laughing at her)
EMMA: I guess she takes a shine to the silent type.
JIMMY: Well, she'll love Ike then!
(The riders are sleeping when several gunshots wake them and bring them flying outside. They discover Ike blowing holes in a scare-crow. Jimmy examines the bullet filled head of the scarecrow)
JIMMY: Well, he got him!
(The riders are going to town with Teaspoon and Emma. Cody is riding between Kid and Jimmy and examining his hat.)
CODY: Time to get this thing relined. What do you say, Kid?
KID: Better ways to spend your money.
CODY: Someone in this group has gotta show some style for the pony express.
(Jimmy grabs his hat and tosses it behind Cody to Kid. They continue to play keep away.)
CODY: Hey! Kid!
KID: (examining the hat by holding it out far away from Cody) That's a fine looking hat!
CODY: Yeah! I'd like to keep it that way!
KID: What do you think Jimmy?
JIMMY: Read my mind.
(Kid tosses the hat in the air)
CODY: Come on, Kid!
(Jimmy draws his gun to shoot it)
CODY: (desperately) NO! NO! Jimmy NO!
JIMMY: (Calmly) Okay.
(The hat falls on the ground, landing right in the path of Katy, who steps right on it.)
CODY: Awww, no!
(Jimmy and Kid burst into laughter.)
(After Nickerson's men attack the way station, everyone comes out of their fighting places to observe the damage. Jimmy looks after the retreating riders)
JIMMY: They've had enough.
TEASPOON: So have we. Everybody okay? What happened to Ike?
LOU: (to Emma) Do you see Ike?
EMMA: Heading toward the stable. He's gonna try to make it to Blue Creek himself. He don't want this trouble coming down on us.
(The riders wordlessly turn and walk for the stable, and begin saddling up.)
IKE(voiced by Buck): Says it's not our problem.
JIMMY: A man sends someone to kill me, I make it my problem!
IKE(voiced by Buck): They came for me.
KID: Then they came for us!
(The riders are walking out of the stable, ready to go)
CODY: You're crazy Jimmy!
TEASPOON: (Seeing the big gun strapped to Jimmy's horse) That big Beckwood is gonna slow you down something serious, Jimmy.
JIMMY: You pick your traveling companions, I'll pick mine!
(They are getting on their horses)
TEASPOON: Don't go the straight way, take the back trails.
KID: Where we're going there ain't no trails at all!
TEASPOON: Even better.
JIMMY: Don't worry, we know this territory better than anybody.
(The riders have just gotten the upper hand with some mountain men who have held them up to bring Ike in for the price on his head.)
BUCK: Look!
KID: What is it Buck?
BUCK: Riders! Too many to count!
KID: Then that's too many to fight!
(They run for their horses.)
CODY: They'll be on us any minute! (Pulling out his rifle) Somebody has to slow them down!
JIMMY: Somebody's my middle name!
CODY: Not this time! Now get outta here! Go on, get!
KID: Jimmy!
JIMMY: I ain't leaving him here!
CODY: I love you too Hickok, but I'm better at distance than you! Now get!
JIMMY: You get killed you're gonna have to answer to me Cody! You still owe me two dollars!
(The riders are trapped in a box canyon, trying to decide how to get away from the men who want Ike.)
LOU: What do we do?
MEN: (Yelling) Send out the boy, he's the only one we want!
JIMMY: (grinning) What do you say boys?
(They all turn and begin firing simultaneously.)
(Now the riders are debating who will stay behind and serve as a distraction while the others get out. The one that stays must climb a sheer wall of rocks)
KID: Jimmy, give me the Beckwood (gun)!
JIMMY: You go. I'll make the climb.
KID: You can't climb that. Besides, you're the best shot! (he reaches for the gun)
JIMMY: (Snatching the gun away) So you finally admit it, I'm the best shot!
KID: We'll all be if you don't lead 'em out!
JIMMY: All right, since you put it that way…Hey, don't you get any ideas about hanging back, Kid.
KID: I ain't no hero.
JIMMY: Kid, take care of yourself!
I know this one is a little out of sequence, but its one of my favorites!
(Buck, Jimmy, and Kid have come to town with Teaspoon to pick up a crate. Kid and Buck are struggling with the weight while Jimmy lounges nearby.)
KID: Don't strain yourself, Jimmy!
JIMMY: It's only got two ends.
(They get the crate out of the wagon and begin following Teaspoon to the buckboard.)
BUCK: What's in here Teaspoon?
TEASPOON: It's a surprise.
KID: What kind of surprise?
TEASPOON:Well, if I told you it wouldn't be one, would it?
JIMMY: You mean it's for us?
TEASPOON: Yeah, it's for all you boys. Kind of a reward for all the hard work you done.
JIMMY: Well, let's see it!
TEASPOON: Nope, wait till we get back.
KID: Come on Teaspoon!
BUCK: It's only fair since we came to help!
TEASPOON: Guess it won't hurt none. Go ahead!
(They open the crate excitedly. Jimmy pulls out a baseball cap and places it on Kid's head. He then picks up a bat and studies it carefully.)
JIMMY: What do you hunt with this?
TEASPOON: You don't hunt nothing. That there is a baseball bat-used for playing baseball. New game I read about. Ordered us a set so's we could learn it.
KID: How do you do it?
TEASPOON: Well, I don't know the particulars, but the notion is you hit that ball with that bat.
BUCK: Why?
TEASPOON: So's you can run around the bases.
JIMMY: What for?
TEASPOON: To score. Every time you go around, you get yourself a point.
KID: That's it? Swatting balls and running around in circles?
TEASPOON: I don't think I've left anything out.
BUCK: People do this for fun?
TEASPOON: Well, yeah...(hurt)You don't want to play, you don't have to!
(Lou has just come back from a run, and Kid meets up with her and takes her horse. Sam is attempting to fix Emma's second-story bedroom window.)
Lou: How's he doin'? I got back just as soon as I could.
Kid: All's I can say is he best stick to marshalling 'cause he sure ain't got a future in carpentry.
(Kid and Lou walk over to the corral where Jimmy and Cody are sitting on the fence watching Sam in amusement.)
Jimmy: I don't know, Kid, just 'cause Emma's got a bedroom window don't mean it has to open.
Cody: Well, it does it he wants to sneak in.
Sam: I heard that!
Kid: Sure is a strange way of courtin'.
Lou: (She's joined the others on the fence.) I don't know. I think it's kinda sweet.
Emma: And so do I. (Sam gives this sort of "yeah, take that" nod.) And if any of you had an ounce of decency you'd be up there helpin' him.
Kid: Emma, Sam said he could do the job better and faster by himself.
Jimmy: That's right, Emma. 'Sides, I don't know the first thing about windows.
Cody: That's right. If Jimmy wants a breath of fresh air, he just shoots a couple holes in the wall.