well, it all started with my friend Jamie my sophomore year in high school (1995). i had asked God to save my friend MaryAnn's mom the year before (she was dying of cancer) and when she died, i decided that i didn't believe in God anymore because He would have heard my prayer and saved her. when i first met Jamie, i was super impressed. she's just one of those people that commands respect from you no matter how much of a punk you are. She's a prodigy- really. she was just as good or better than our drum instructor, and she's never had a day of lessons in her life. i was really impressed with her musical abilities, so when she asked me to come hear her play drums at her church, i was hesitant because i already had to go to church and i didn't like it, but i was intrigued that she played drums in her church, new wine fellowship. when her father got seriously sick in novemeber of 95, i decided to go and "be there for her." the first time i walked in that church you could have knocked me over with a feather. there was a band onstage: guitars, keyboard, singers, and of course Jamie on drums. as i stood in the doorway speechless, this older man (i call him Trouble now... a good friend) came up and gave me a hug and said how glad he was that i came. people were dancing in the aisles, raising their hands, singing at the top of their lungs, and laughing loudly. i went up to the front where i heard the drums and waved hello to Jamie. after the praise and worship was done, she came and sat by me. the sermon really got my attention because it was extremely logical and yet passionate, unlike any other sermon i had ever heard. needless to say, new wine caught my attention. i started coming every sunday.
in january, Jamie's dad died. i remember that sunday morning when i came into church i knew there was something wrong because the atmosphere breathed sorrow, but it was sorrow with hope mixed in. i knew what had happened before the pastor told the congregation. here's the kicker... Jamie's whole family was sitting on the front row with one seat on the end left for her after praise and worship. she left her WHOLE family on the day her own father died to sit next to me. that's friendship like none i had ever seen before. at her father's funeral, she sang one of the most beautiful songs i had ever heard... "All I Ever Wanted" by Margaret Becker. at first i couldn't figure out who she was singing to... her father, her lover, her friend, God, who? of course it was to God, but i had never seen anyone with passion for God like that, like He was a real person she talked with every day and that she really loved Him. after that i sat in the library reading the Bible for a while and thinking about her devotion to God.
after hearing Jamie sing a Margaret Becker song, i went out and bought her newest album. at first i really didn't like it. but... Margaret had an awesome voice, so even though the genre didn't appeal to me, i kept listening. after a few nights, i couldn't go to sleep without Margaret on the CD player on repeat. this was shortly before my birthday (march 20). i remember the friday night before my birthday... i was lying on the floor (where i usually slept) and listening to her album Grace. i was listening to the song "Close Enough To Change" and talking to God when it suddenly hit me like a brick wall what they had been talking about in church and what Jamie had been trying to tell me... God loved me! i remember the lyrics said, "there in the blink of an eye / the clouds this side of heaven open up and i can see You / no it's never long enough / and i see love... and i feel love..." like i've said on my poetry page, i'm a very visual person, and when she sang those words, i could see them happening. the clouds parted and i could see Jesus... He turned towards me and held out His hands as if to embrace me. i was so turned over by this revelation that i jumped up and started dancing and saying, "thank You! thank You! thank You!" over and over. my mom heard that racket and came upstairs to my room. when she opened the door, i was in the middle of raising my hands to God in ecstasy. here's the ironic part... the first thing i did as a Christian was lie. she said, "what on earth are you doing?!?" i said, "oh, uh, i'm exercising... you know, need to lose weight." idiot.
so... the next day was my birthday, and after that was sunday, my favorite day of the week. in church almost every sunday they had an altar call where if you want to accept God as your savior you can do so in confidentiality and have someone pray with you or whatever. i was crying with joy and hope and just the sheer overwhelming love i felt towards Him when i asked Him to be my Lord. afterwards i came up and told Jamie. here's where i was disappointed... she really didn't do a whole lot besides smile and tell me that's wonderful. Jamie's a very unemotional person usually (unless it has to do with Margaret Becker), and i guess i expected something that she just doesn't give- i expected her to be just as excited as i was.
that was the wisdom of God, though, because if she gave big reactions, i would have been tempted to do things just so that she would notice and i could get her attention. i think i really had an unhealthy attachment to her. i idolized her and made her into the most important person in my life beneath God. for the first part of my baby-steps in His kingdom, i rode on Jamie's spirituality instead of my own. every time i was about to do something, anything, i thought to myself, "now would Jamie do this this way?" WWJD to me meant What Would Jamie Do?
this was not to last though. she was a senior that year, in september of 1996 she left for arkansas to go to a missionary school named youth with a mission, or ywam for short. i remember the day she left i lay on the floor all day, crushed, crying, thinking about her and about what i would do now that she was gone. that's when God started speaking to me about centering my life on Him rather than on someone human because humans will always let you down. i decided that that was the right thing to do, and after feeling suicidal for a few months, i began to rebuild myself around God. two more years went by and suddenly i myself was a senior. i had to decide where to go to school. to me, my life was an empty check that God could fill in. for a while it seemed to me that He was taking His sweet time telling me what to do and where to go. then i realized that the decision was mine. here's a little bit of wisdom- as long as it's not immoral or will break down your relationship with Him, God says "GO FOR IT!" to anything you want to do. He gave us choices for a reason...
if you don't know where i chose to go, you've got to be thick or something. of course missions seemed like a great idea, and of course i was going to go to ywam like Jamie did. there are so many ways that God said a big fat "YES" to ywam, not the least of which was getting my staunch german parents to let me go in the first place. it was a dream come true, but it became a crucible.
