In Feb of this year, spring time, I found out I was pregnant. This was also the time I found out I was pregnant with Danny. John and I had planned to try again, but in Jan, on the time of conception, I pulled out, thinking perhaps it was to soon! So, when I missed my period, I was really Shocked...... I must have been fertile at the time I least expected to be!
My emotions were of complete fear! I cried nearly ALL day and night, absolutely numb with disbelief, and so very very frightened. I called the Doc in a panic as I had a smear 4 days prior, and I bled (of course I was thinking my period was ready to come, as I was due on about then). He said all should be OK with a smear when pregnant! Thank goodness!
Well, I've registered with the Doc, and seen my midwife, and as I write this, I'm 10wks. In the last few weeks of realising my pregnancy, I have come to except the fact that the fear will never leave me. What I must do if learn to cope with it, and not let it take over, as at times it does........
This sweet budding life inside me deserves to be believed in, this baby is an individual, and I must not be scared of him/her, or of the outcome, as it really now is out of my hands, and in that of mother natures. What I find most difficult apart from the fact I might lose this baby as I did Danny, is the fact that Danny may think I'm replacing him with another baby. I know he IS not thinking that, (being logical here)! but this feeling is here all the same. I harbour guilt. I harbour fear, I harbour the pain of losing Danny.
Each day I wake up and think "is this the day I lose my baby?" This journey I'm taking is probably the hardest journey I have EVER taken.
To get me through this, I must think of Danny as guiding me, helping me, and still being there in my heart, not my womb. Not his grave.
I have glimmers of hope, I know this is early days, I have a long way to go, I DO love this baby so much, that's why I am SO scared of losing him/her. I am scared emotionally to get too close, in case I lose him/her, the overpowering feeling of all is this fear....
I have a scan at about 16wks, and I can see my midwife weekly if I like, so I can be reassured that baby bud is doing well. That really helps.
My midwife Rosemary has been very supportive and understanding, I know she is with me all the way!!!
I must add finally, how I could NOT have coped without the support of Infanlos and SPALS (Sub pregnancy after loss), both have been my lifeline, and EVERY members letter, posting, have helped me so much that I can now see light at the end of this daunting and anxious journey.
I have faith, but the fear is still very much part of my daily routine!!! I think I can only relax once I am holding this baby safely in my arms, and hear the innocent bleat of life. My husband John has been a rock, I know he feels the same stress as me, but he hides it well in order to be strong for me, that to me is a true hero, a true and wonderful father and husband.
