Pregnancy Journal

10 Weeks

Feelings of fear combined with hope/joy, though still very nervous. Having pulling pains, 'SPALS' reassured me it was ligaments. Went to see my Doctor. She actually asked to see me. She did internal, all well. Also, tried to find h/b, though not heard by me, she said she just about caught it. John and I were more relaxed after this visit. Sam and Billy are very happy about this pg, though they both, at different times, tell me they are worried incase baby *bud* dies, and sam is very protective over me. He does say, "This baby IS going to be OK, don't worry"! They both are so sweet and understanding, I look at them, see Danny in their faces, and feel hope that a sibling will be with them to play with!

11 Weeks

Feeling very tired with sickness,also with piles,though not painful but bleeding.Feeling very nervous, when I feel hopeful, the blues come crashing down. John cooks alot for me, so I am very lucky. Saw Consultant. She told me reasons why Danny could have died. NOTHING found. Causes unknown. This reassured me in a way, at least it wasnt me that caused his death or Danny wasnt ill either. BUT we know nothing concrete at WHY he died. Left in limbo. Dr Morgan offered to do a scan!! We were very glad to get one. At 5.00 went on the journey that we did when we found out Danny had died, and brought back awful sad memories. I was the window inwhich I delivered him as I got out of the car, I didnt want to walk into that building again, but also eager to see if this baby inside me was alive. Baby bud was alive, and we saw him jumping about, saw toes, spread, and a h/b.

12 Weeks

Breasts tender (good sign)! Bump starting to show above pevlic bone. My sister (twin) Liza is 37wks pg, and have just heard that she doesnt need a c-section as her placenta has moved up!!. Now its a matter of time, though we all think its very soon! Cant wait to see her little baby, I am so excited. She has really had rough pg. She had a seizure a while back, shes on medication, and of course the worry is if baby is formed well. All is well, though she has had placenta pravia, low blood pressure, fainting, bleeding,and of course the worry incase she too loses baby, as i did. I'm proud of her, as she has had little support from husband, and tried so hard to be positive,and so supportive to me after Danny died while she herself was having these worries and anxities. she is an shining example.

12.4 Weeks

Had Antenatal. All was well execpt midwife ( not my usual one, who is SO good) but a rather brusque one with an awful manner. Said my b/p was high, as I am all screwed up right now! I was so hurt.
After NOT finding h/b, I indeed paniced, went home and cried my eyes out. She had said at 12wks, baby is too small, but all was well, as my uterus was pumping blood all round, and she caught a kick on the sonicaid. I was not convinced. So Johnni rang the next day( after NO sleep) to arrange for another midwife to check me out ( MY hero). She did. She picked up a heartbeat straight away!! I cried with relief, so elated as I walk out of the Ward!

13 Weeks

Boobs tender, oooooh!. Sickness is diminishing, at long last. Having problem with constipation, and tummy is becoming hard and large, slightly worried. Took Fybogel, and it seems to be doing the trick. Still feelings or weariness and stress, as the more advanced I become, the more worried I feel, incase baby isn't doing well. Its been 6 days since I last heard the h/b, and I'm having withdrawal symptoms, wish I was hooked up to a U/S all the time. Rang up to see if able to check h/b, but Rosemary still not here and its the other midwife who was brash and unsympathetic. The one who couldnt find h/b. John said Dont see her as I might get into a worse state if she can't pick h/b like last time. SO, I'm waiting till next wednesday to see Rosemary. Roll on wednesday. Liza has had a *show* and we think baby is engaged!! Scary nights,I wake in night worrying, grieving and tense. At 13.5 weeks I had a scan due to bleeding from haemmoroids,so I was glad they checked anyway. Saw the baby was well and healthy.RELIEVED!!

14 Weeks

Boobs tender, feeling generally better!! Thank the lord. I feel better mentally and physically, I'm starting to relax more, though still cautious. On the 27th April, Liza (twin) gave birth to Jessica Rose. No complications, both doing well!! This was only yesterday when she was born, so I'm utterly thrilled, elated for them both, but guiltly, I feel a great sense of loss of myself. I am trying to rid this selfish feeling, but I can't, its there in my mind. I can't help but think of myself in labour, pushing etc, knowing I will never meet my baby, or get to know him, though I will treasure the time I did have with him inside me, and when I held and kissed him goodbye. Such complexed and conflicting emotions at the moment. I really am NOT jealous, that is not the right word, envy perhaps?? SO SO happy for liza, as she was so scared throughout the pg and birth in case she lost baby as I did, wish she was here now, so I could hold her and tell her how happy I am, and so so relieved! I miss her so much.

15 Weeks

Having a lot of headaches, really annoying!. I think at last I have felt some sensation, is it baby? Or is it wind? I think its baby!! Only very faint fluttering, but I was definately aware of something. Feeling better, still daily, I feel scared, comes with the territory now I guess. Saw my Consultant Mr Davies, said no need for a scan, so I had the triple test done, and heard h/b, relief! I have a detailed scan at 20wks,(month away) and feotal monitoring a week later. Very nervous of the triple test result, as Danny had a sinus on his spine Nothing serious, it did not contribute to his death, but I am still very nervous of any tests at all. Still not seen Jessie yet, I long to see my little niece! Sam and Billy are being very loving, as usual,and I love them so much, I see them, and think Danny would be very much like them.....

16/17 Weeks

I am starting to feel more flutterings, though frequent they are not, but when they do occur, I feel SO SO happy. I'm hoping I'm not going to be obessive about movement, but I guess as time goes by I will be! (I'm starting already) Very nervous about triple results, feel very anxious. I'm bonding with *buddy*, though still to afraid to think too far ahead I still have the "what if" fear, its like a huge cloud that follows me around, so I'm not able to really enjoy this pg fully. This makes me so sad. Had anti natal. ALLS WELL!!!! Blood pressure 130/70 no protien, and heard baby buds heart beat loud and clear. Also, triple test result. LOW RISK!!!!! So releived. The weather is hot, lovely, and this reminds me of when I was pg with Danny, its like I'm walking the same path again, but I know this is a different baby, but it still hurts so much knowing I lost Danny. To be honest, as this pg progresses, they more scared I am, I feel my bump, see and feel the baby, and so terrifed I'll lose him....... Seeing Jessie on Saturday Yeah!!! After my anti natal, walked into a shop and heard Dannys song (my heart will go on) and felt so sad.

18 Weeks

Saw Jessie yesterday! Yipee! She is so gorgeous, and so small, so delicate, so beautiful, the list is endless. Liza looked so well, and I was so pleased to see her. Billy ended up in A nd E yesterday. Sam was jumping around, and knocked billy flying and he hit his eye on the coffee table edge. He had to have a glue stitch. He was very brave. Things like this really do make you value your kids and bring home to you how precious they are, and and how one little action can harm and injure a child. Its so frightening. I felt spooked yesterday(on top of poor billy)that my flutterings were not "happening" and panicked in case baby bud had died, but, come evening, I felt the tapping and quite a few times in night and now this morning! RELIEF

18/19 Weeks

Well baby buds movements are increasing and I find it reassuring. They are stronger, and more often. I feel them more after I've eaten, and when I've done a lot of exercise. I am also experiencing palpitations, they concern me, as I never noticed them with my other pgs. I feel able to bond with baby now, as he moves, I always smile, and talk to him. This helps! I'm getting very tired, and could easily be asleep by 9.00pm everynight! We all went on a family holiday to Somerset, and had a wonderful time. I felt so close to my family, and appreicate them so much. John has been a tower of strength, and I wish I could do MORE for him!!! Still cant bring myself to look or buy baby clothes etc, I will wait till I feel better about it all!!! Soon I hope! Still very cautious, though getting more optomistic as time goes by, but also its getting nearer to the time of Dannys death ( 29wks) and this worries me greatly.

On holiday.Chalice Well,Glastonbury,Somerset.

20 Weeks

Today I had my 20 week detailed scan. ALL'S WELL! We saw an active baby, wriggling so much, and the radiographer checked all organs, and all were working and growing well. A huge sigh of relief!! Also at my check-up, my consultant, confirmed the sex of our baby. She's a GIRL!! Well, we are so surprised, as I was convinced baby bud was a boy, and we were calling him Joey ( joseph)!! Well now, its Bethany Megan. She is moving a lot, I feel her sweet kicks, and this is comforting. I feel very lucky that we've made it this far, and so grateful that all tests have proved fine BUT I still can't let go of the fear and anxiety. It clouds all joy, though today a new sense of well being has surfaced, and a new hope. I feel that knowing she is a girl, I can separate her from Daniel. She is a total new individual, she is unique. When I found out she was a girl, I immediately thought "Danny has a sister" . I miss him so so much it hurts. I feel so happy about Bethany, but can't help thinking about Danny and what he was like at 20wks, and how he would be now. At night I go to bed, stroking my bump, knowing its sweet Bethany growing inside, somthing I didn't think I would be doing at this stage.

21-24 Weeks

21 weeks - 24wks This last month has been a lot better. I AM feeling a lot of movement, and this of course reassures me greatly. BUT in the last 5 days, I have had the panics, as she has moved, but not as vigourously as the last couple of weeks. I know its probably me being paranoid, but with Danny it was between 25wks - 29wks when his movement decreased, and eventually ceased ( at 29wks) At my ante natal (at 23.4 wks) the midwife checked everything, alls well, heard h/b, and she thinks I may be 2 wks ahead ( 25wks) But I must admit, at every ante natal I have had with all my pgs, they say the same thing! I guess perhaps its because I'm a small frame and only 5ft 2" so my bump looks bigger!! I NEARLY went and bought an outfit for Bethany, but pulled out, at least I went into the shop! Its a start I guess. Luckily my sister has a lot of girl clothes right now, as Jessie already is growing out of newborn sizes, so I will be able to have them. My mum has got Bethany a Moses basket, but I have told her to keep it with her until much later on!! I am still so scared, I am at the stage when I imagine her, and feel her and love every moment of her movement, but then, like a huge cloud, I'm swamped with fear and sadness. You see, this time last year, I was carrying Danny, I am the same number of weeks as I was with him, its SO SO hard. It's like I'm walking down the same road again and I am awaiting the same thing to happen all over again, its agony..... This pregnancy is a constant reminder of when I lost Danny. Such HUGE conflicting feelings. SO SO happy to be carrying Bethany, SO SO sad that dearest Danny died. I feel very tearful right now.

25-27 Weeks

Went to the foetal monitoring clinic. I was very nervous walking in, as it was the same room as they told me about Danny, and when I last saw him..... All well! Bethany is growing bang on target, and the cord and placenta are doing their job!. Billy came with us, and put gel on my tummy, and there we saw her squirming around and at the moment facing head down. I saw her hair! Movements are getting stronger, which helps with my nerves, but when she is calm and quiet, I freak thinking shes ill or worse...... This month is particularly worrying. Danny died at 29wks and obviously things started going wrong at about this time. I'm praying all will be OK, and that Bethany and I meet and I can hold her safely in my arms. I have another scan on the 28th July. My mother in law has to go into hospital to have a large brain tumour removed, we are all very anxious, as she is the strength within the family, She is like a mum to me, we are very close, and Johnni feels so useless. When she goes in, he is at Summer school (doing open university course) and I am going to Preston to see my mother. I'm praying she'll recover well, as at this stage they dont know what recovery will be like.... so worried...

28 Weeks

Arrived at preston after a long (5hr) Journey, and felt tired and stiff! Here I rang Maureen every night in order to reassure her regarding the op, much to my jealous mothers annoyance. She made it very clear that she was not happy for me to talk to her, and made life very difficult for me and my boys. I cried a lot, which made Sam and Billy really sad, but did she care?? As it turns out, thank the lord, the op went well, though things nearly went very wrong due to her blood pressure dropping during the op (shock). She has another op at the end of September to replace the hole in her head. She is very brave, and so strong, puts me to shame!!

29-31 Weeks

This time last year, at 29wks, we found out that Danny had died. It is his birthday today. (15th August) I feel so very sad, though warm to the fact that 2 people remembered his birthday. Maureen, lying in hospital awaiting her op, wrote a card, and Liza, my sister, though my mother didn't mention him at all, or remember (haven't spoken to her since). Well, we planted a white rose bush at his graveside, and in the evening, we lit a candle in his memory and we all talked together about how we feel, and how we will always remember him. I got out "Dannys Box" and showed Sam and Bill his photos, his odds and ends, and his scan photo at 14wks. Sam broke down crying, he couldn't keep it in any longer, he wept and wept. This broke my heart even more. Dannys death has affected Sam more than we thought. I wrote Danny a letter, I put it on Dannys page on this website. I feel very strange grieving for Danny and be carrying Beth at the same time, guilty perhaps? I know I am NOT replacing him, but he was inside me before Beth was, and I lost him inside me, and now, another life blossoms, and I feel so sad that Dannys life didnt get to the stage where I am now with Beth, does this make sense?? It is very hard emotionally such conflicting feelings, I am SO grateful to be blessed and everything is going so well with Beth, truly I am, and terrifed I will lose her as well, but I miss Danny SO SO much too.......

32-34 Weeks

Beth is fine, she is moving well, and after I returned from Preston ( a couple of weeks ago), which was a mistake going, as I have never felt so shattered and stained due to my relationship with my mother, I went for a scan, and she is healthy. She's 4 1/2 lbs already at (32wks). She is still breech which is concerning me greatly, as Mr Davis (the consultant) is saying he may turn her, or I'll have a C-secton if she doesnt turn herself, which I do NOT want!

Emotionally I am still very much confused. I must admit, I have done very little in the preparation of this baby, its like I'm too scared to think too far ahead just in case.... My sister has a lot of Dannys equipment as she needed it for little Jessie, and John is picking it up in the next couple of days.

Had another check-up, they do look after me well here I must say, and all is well, Beth is still breech. I pray she turns soon, In fact I am getting paranoid about it now as I really want a normal birth without any complications, but don't we all! I see her scan photos, and she's so sweet, she has round cheeks like John, and I can see her hair!! She does move well, and her lungs are practising for breathing when born, Mr Davis says this is a good sign! She is very healthy. I have another Scan on Thursday, I will be 34 1/2 wks. I have a scan every 2 wks.

Physically I feel very cumbersome, and due to being breech, I feel her little head under my ribs and its not painful, but I'm aware of her, and bending down is getting somewhat hard! I am very tired. Now that Sam and Billy are back at school I do have a little time to take a break now and again. We are at the stage of decorating the house (at last after 2 yrs) and this is very tiring.

Billy starts " big school" for the first time on Friday, I'm so proud of him though very worried too, as he's shy and nervous about it. He's a live wire every other time, I hope he'll be Ok.

Still not heard from my mother since I retuned from Preston (over a month ago). I am surprised she has not shown any interest in the development with Beth, or even as to how I am. We had an argument whilst I was up there, and she has said some very hurtful things, things about Beth, and hurtful things about Sam and Billy. I will never forgive her cruel words, and her lack of support, considering whilst I was up there, it was so close to Danny birthday. I'm sure she hates me and my children I know she hates John and Maureen.

34 Weeks

Had scan at clinic. Beth is HEAD DOWN!! She wieghs 5lbs 110z already, if I go term, she'll be around 7-8lbs! Thats big, as Sam, who was overdue, was 71/2 lbs! Feel a bit better about things now, I was so worried he was suggesting a ECV or c section at 37wks ( only 2 wks from now) Billy starts school tommorrow, and I feel he's still my little baby and I will really miss him. He's not going full time yet, so he'll be fine! I know how shy he may be...!

35 Weeks

Getting very very nervous now, overwhemling so. We have the equipment thankfully. Seeing it all does make it seem so real, but also, so scary incase they don't get used or, I'll never see or hold her. I'm now terrifed incase something happens to me during labour or before, complications etc. I am in quite a panic to tell the truth. I had an anti natal yesterday, ( 35.4wks) and she is still head down, so I am happy about that. All is well with Beth. I am taking Iron tablets now for anemia, I knew I was feeling rather weak and tired all the time. I feel very achy probably due to all the walking I'm doing what with the boys back at school, and all the housewwork. My nesting instinct is taking over, and I am obsessing about making this house nice for Beth. Four rooms have been decorated now, but the hall has to be done. Billy LOVES school!!

36 Weeks

Went for Scan with Mr Davies. Beth is still head down, and everything looks really well. She weighs 6 1/2lbs, and growing!! I asked about the birth. I wanted to know about induction, as I feel as shes larger than my other babies, ( Billy was 6 1/2 at term) she may be too big to deliver, or other complications may arise. I am 5ft 2, and small framed. He said at 37wks, she would be ready. But I have decided to wait till 38wks. He gave us a date of induction, and its on October 12th!!!!

When he told us, I felt so overwhelmed, like " this is going to be it". The fear is also overpowering too, I'm so terrifed, that I really can't think straight. It seems so strange to have a date now. I would rather NOT be induced, as it does remind me so much of last year with Danny. Same hospital, etc, BUT, I want Beth to be OK, and would HATE it if she was overdue or too big to deliver, so I guess for my stress point of view, this is the best way. Mr Davies is happy about it, and I guess he knows! Nevertheless, I will be trying to induce myself naturally, with spicy curries, castor oil, and with the help of Johnni!!

37 Weeks. One week to go.....

Well, one week to go, and I'm absolutely terrified. Everyone has been so supportive, even all the mums at the school are giving their well wishes, (when Danny died, they said nothing) and this helps a bit. It adds to the excitement I guess, but when I go home, the fact of the matter remains, sheer fear. Fear of the un-known, though I do know what can happen, that's what scares me too....

Maureen, is going into hospital tomorrow, she is to have a metal plate put in her head, where the tumour was removed, a huge hole to fill in..... I am so nervous for her too, she is my anchor, and when I go in, she will be recovering, perhaps not able to talk over the phone, I am lost without her! I can't believe she has to go through all this again, she is so brave. Went to Danny's grave yesterday, Autumn now is well and truly here, and all the leaves had gathered on his ground. Tidied up, and put two white angels by his cross and planted a pot-plant, looks brighter now, winter can make things look so bleak.

Having problems with someone staying at our house to pick up Sam from school whilst I go to be induced. Tony is working, Maureen in hospital, Liza has 2 kids and lives in London, and Bob, well, not experienced with kids. I won't ask mum, as you well know, she made it very clear that she thinks my boys are a handful and unruly. I have got a friend to pick up Billy, but there's no one at home! My girlfriends are working, and have kids of their own, so I can't leave the boys with them, for a long time anyhow!. So John will have to do a lot of travelling in order to pick sam up from school, then return to see me, it all depends on how long this induction will take, it took 2 days with Danny!

Had anti natal, Rosemary said all's well, not engaged, but still head down.

38 Weeks

Sunday.

The last 2 days have gone in a daze. I had an episode on friday, when I was in bed. At 10.00pm, suddenly the room began to spin violently, then I started to shaky uncontrollably, and then had hot and cold sweats!!
Tony, who was at the pub came over, and I told him to look after Sam and Bill, as they were fast asleep in bed. I did not realise how drunk he was..... He seemed Ok, and I told him to leave his door open in case they wake up, and he was fine about it.
I rang the midwife, who told me to ring John to take me to the hospital. An hour later I felt better, though very weak, but they still wanted to check me over. We walked into the labour room, and low and behold, it was the same room in which I delivered Danny, and guess what, the same midwife checked me over! FREAKY and most DISCONSERTING.
The Doctor said it could have been due to my blood pressure suddenly dropping as I was lying on my right side, where there is a artery to the brain, and Beth was lying on it! She is fine though, thankfully.
When we returned at 3.30am, I heard sobbing from our house, ran in, and there in the front room, were Sam and Billy, clutching my nightie, and were very scared.
Apparently, after I left, Tony carried on drinking, and when Sam and Billy woke up, ( 1/2 hr after I left) Tony was flat out on the sofa, in an drunken stupor.
They tried to wake him, but he would not answer, then when he "came round" he DID NOT TELL THEM WHERE I WAS", or couldn't tell them, and stumbled up to his room and locked the door.
My kids were left for 3 hours with the gas fire on, crying, searching for me, terrifed.

Tony is OUT of our house now,John asked him to leave the next day, I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HIM.

My mental state is at an all time low, due to this uncontrolable fear, it is crippling me. I am associating the whole induction as I did last year. I can't seem to shake this feeling away, no matter how hard I try. I try so hard to.

My SPAL pals have been my lifesavers, as they say its how they all felt, and its normal considering what we have been through, but this feeling is hell. My family have been really really supportive, Liza, John and Maureen have been absolutley fantastic.

Maureen had her 2nd Operation on Friday, boy I was worried for her. It went OK, but we have to wait and see if there in no infection, then its all over! No more surgery! She comes out today. She is still very poorly, but now its a question of convalesing.

Anyways, I sit here, releasing my emotions on this blank page, and I can tell you I am so terrifed it actually hurts my head.

The BIG DAY

Bethany's day of birth October 13th 1999 My induction started as soon as I arrived at the hospital 12.00pm.

I had more pesseries inserted 6 hrs later, and that late evening, I was actually starting to have contractions. By this stage, strangly enough, I was not scared, I was excited. John left that evening, and by 10.00pm I was in pain, though not agony! More pesseries, and by the early hours I was in great pain, and could feel that Beth had dropped, she was so low down! I spent the whole night walking around the empty corridors, in agony.

At 6.00am I rang John to say please come, as the roads were blocked off due to road works, and it would take at least 2 hrs to get to the hospital if he didn't leave now. Thank heavens he did, by 7.00 my waters were broken, and I felt the need to push. I had no pain relief, gas and air only. This was the first time I felt the "natural" pushing of childbirth, every bit of pain was agony, but it meant she was nearer to be in my arms, the very thing I was so scared of not doing. I was concentrating so much I did not stop to think of " what ifs" I was determined to hold this child and to hear her cry!

I was pushing her out at 7.30am, and by 8.00pm, she was born.

At this stage, I was in "shock". I didn't say a word, just looked at her and felt very strange. I felt that this was not real, and that I was someone else. She was weighed and given to me. Only then did I realise what had happened, I had achieved the very thing I was so scared of! She was beautiful, and when I did speak I said how like Danny she was as she had browm wet hair as he did. I fell in love with her. She was so sweet, so warm, and she made a little cry, not much, but proving to me she was fit and well.

She weighed 6lbs 15oz, and 50cm long. I was so stunned for the first hours, couldn't beleive how quick the birth was, considering Sam's was nearly 48hrs and Billys was 24hrs. Danny's took 2 days, and here I was holding a newborn baby that only took a few hours of very painful labour. I was and still am, truly blessed.

I was at my happiest when Liza and her daughters, John, Sam and Billy and Tony came round and showed my family our beautiful daughter. We had some champagne, and I was so so proud.

My health took a nosedive from then on, my blood pressure was very high, and my emotions were erratic. Considering I had been pregnant nearly 18 months, my hormones were all over the place. I was put on medication of my blood pressure and then my panic attacks got really bad. I was asked to go on anti depressants, but refused, I wanted to live my life without relying on tablets, though when I lost Danny I really did the medication for my panic attacks.

My moods calmed dowm after about 6 months, and Bethany Emma Maureen is 9 months old, starting to crawl, and is the light of my life. Every moment I have with her (and my boys) are precious to me, and its now, 9 months on, that I feel my grief for Danny has come full circle. I miss him so much. I see what Danny would have been doing, sharing the parties, going on trips with us having christmas' and cuddles and the fun we have as a family on a daily basis.

Though utterly thankful for my darling boys and miracle daughter, Danny will always have a special place in my heart, where I think of him every day, and miss him more each day.

Time is a healer, though the pain never goes away.

I love you so much.I love you all.

14:24 30/07/00

Bethany Emma Maureen Gledson 4 Hours Old 13/10/99

Bethany 6 Months Old

Bethany 5 months old with Sam and Billy

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