Ghostbusters

The only thing I can remember from Primary Three -the only potential recollection which penetrated my seven year old skull and stuck- was the day when I knew my mum was buying me Ghostbusters. From 9am until 3pm of that day I did nothing -NOTHING- but bounce excitedly up and down on my chair at such a velocity that, to the naked eye, I probably appeared nothing more than an indistinct blur hovering several inches above the edge of my seat, a misty dream of firing proton accelerator beams out of the window of Ecto-1. I think I outstripped the sound of even the school bell in vacating the building, and was halfway home before the 2:59 had fully faded from my digital watch, Ghostbusters! Ghostbusters! Ghostbusters! rumbling through my mind like a tank engine.

No doubt the more sadistic of you hope and expect this little story to be prologue to my getting home and finding out that my mum had spent my hard-earned pocket money on groceries or soft drugs. Not so. I tell you this in order to emphasise that the basis which underpins this entire review is my fanatical devotion to all things Ghostbusters. The extrication of this game from my adoration of Doctor Venkman and company is impossible- you must take both or neither. That understood, let us continue.

Based on the movie rather than the cartoon The Real Ghostbusters, Ghostbusters puts you in charge of the fledgling paranormal investigators just as they set up their own company (no Winston Zedmore here, kids), handing over a sum of money for you to invest in the parapsychological paraphernalia of your choosing- ghost traps, PKE meters, containment units, and, of course, Ecto-1 itself must all be purchased before you are allowed to progress to the 'map' of New York which will be the nerve-centre of your gaming experience. In one corner of the screen, a readout of the city's PKE level- in the other, an account of your financial status. It is on these two bases the game rests; in order to have a chance of saving New York City and, probably, the world, you must accumulate a certain amount of money (Quite why is never adequately explained) before the PKE activity in the city reaches a sufficient level for the gateway to the other dimension to be opened in Dana's apartment building- conveniently located at the centre of the map. Raising the necessary cash allows you a shot at averting the disaster- otherwise, YOU LOSE!

Earning the money is a simple matter of busting ghosts. When a building flashes, it means that a ghost sighting has been reported- if a building turns pink as you pass it, it means that you've picked something up on the PKE meter. Either way, you go into the building, spot the ghost, lay down the trap, and arrange your two Ghostbusters (Only two Ghostbusters participate on any individual job) such that their proton beams force the ghost to within range of the trap. If the trap doesn't get the ghost, then the ghost gets YOU. Simple stuff. Capture a ghost, get money, caputre a ghost, get more money, miss a ghost, get slimed, capture a ghost, get money, return to base to empty your traps, capture a ghost, ad infinitum- or, to some, ad nauseum.

I fully accept that Ghostbusters is a very limited game. You're only ever doing one of three things- looking at the map, driving Ecto-1 to a ghost sighting, and capturing a ghost. Nothing else happens besides. The Stay Puft Man occasionally threatens to make an appearance, but is easily circumvented if one gets to the right place at the right time- otherwise, nothing can be done as he stomps through an apartment building, an action for which YOU are inscrutably held responsible and fined accordingly. The Keymaster and the Gatekeeper can be seen wandering aimlessly around the map but can't be interacted with, only serving to alert the player as to when he should go to Dana's apartment for the final showdown (In case the scrolling "GO TO ZUUL" message isn't explicit enough) by heading there themselves. The accumulation of outrageous sums of money is ridiculously easy, meaning that the player hits his fiscal objective about 5 minutes into the game and is forced to wander aimlessly until Zuul shows up- to make up for this, the final showdown is sickeningly unfair, the player attempting to sneak two of his three Ghostbusters under the bouncing Stay Puft Man and through the door via a pernickety system of ambiguous pixel-collision detection which seems to posit an alternative spacio-temporal reality bearing no relation whatsoever to the Spengler/Door/Marshmallow man triangle depicted on your screen. All the busts take place outside the same building, and involve the same ghost, and even crossing the streamers merely results in a dubious message claiming that your backpacks had conveniently shorted-out at the last moment. The complete and utter lack of variation in all elements of the game rendered it closer to unpaid work than fun to most people- to me, I freely admit, it is a disease by which I am overcome even to this very day.

If you never wanted to be a Ghostbuster, you will find this game repetitive and pointless. If you DID want to be a Ghostbuster, you will find this game repetitive and pointless. But if you wanted -and still want- to be a Ghostbuster, and spent most of your childhood playing this game in lieu of fulfilling that wish, then you will like Ghostbusters. A lot. More than it befits your reputation to admit.