Dr Quinzel!

Most Recent Entries

THE PROBLEM:
  •  Yes of course I think I have a problem. Just last week I got controlled into robbing three banks and a 7-11. I just don't get why I'm so weakwilled when it comes to the supervillianesses, I mean past the obvious, I mean... Maybe I just don't know what I mean and that's why I'm asking for help...

    • Victory, who is fighting the urge to ask for hypnotherapy..

    MY ANSWER:

  • Hmmmm.....well, I still don't see it!!*grin* But if ya think ya got a prob, then I spose it's my duty as yer psychologist ta give ya an answer!!!!!

    • Hmmm.......Well,ya know I think the only way ya'll attain peace and comfort is by givin in to these urges!!!! Once you've done that, you'll find the guilt and stress will go away, and you'll be able to wholeheartedly embrace a life of crime and such...forget this goody-two-shoes bizzness.....I mean, Stuporman's the ultimate Boy-Scout and look how he turned out!!!!!
    Ya see, the whole time I wuz fixin Mistah J up, I always wanted to just take him into my office and do the vertical mambo, hear what I'm sayin? But until I joined up with him, I'd feel overwhelming guilt about that. Now, your desire to be controlled by bad girls is actually a subconscious desire to join a life of crime. Give in to it, and you'll find ya don't feel so bad afta all!!!! In fact, you'll have more fun, look betta and be more feared than ya eva have before!!! =D
    Dr. Harleen Quinzel - just your friendly, neighbourhood ECT prescriber.

    THE PROBLEM:

  •  Dear Dr. Quinzel,

    • I have this problem.. Well it's not my problem it's my boss...er... my friend... You see, she has this abusive boyfriend.. I tell her many times that he's no good for her. He cheats on her, he stares at me through his video device while I'm taking a shower, and he hits her... THAT ONE BOTHERS ME THE MOST! Anyway... she won't listen to me... I know she says she loves him. I know that she'll never really get over him, but does she have to degrade herself while she's with him? Is there anything I can do to help her get understand that she could and should stand up for herself? *sigh* I just want her to be safe that's all... I love her... I want her to be in best possible condition... You understand right? 
    Thank you for your time.
    Sincerely,
    Columbine Mountebank

    MY ANSWER:

  •  HIYA COLUMBS....er...I mean Patient Girl I Neva Seen Before....

    • Well, (ya gotta tell me more of this chickie lata honey, is she someone I know?!?!) All I can say is...I'm sure you're seeing it alot worse than it actually is!! I mean c'mon...my puddin knocks me around a bit...tho I know he'd NEVA cheat on me....but it's only when I mess up or make a mistake or sumthin ya know? He does it PURELY fer my own good!! So I learn from my mistakes etc....
    I'm sure you'll find that this is simply the situation here....try listening to what your friend has to say....I can see you're doing what you think is right, but if it were really all that bad, why would she love him so much? Ya see, lovin someone is NOT degradation...it is wholesome and pure and a wonderful thing to submit yourself entirely to the one you love....it shows how ready and open your heart is...and ensures a perfect and wonderful life with the Joker of my dreams...*sigh*......OH!Sorry,just day-dreamin again, hehe. Anyhowz, that's all ya gotta know!I'm, sure you'll understand your friend betta now...and one day...it coudl happen to you =D
    Tha' Quinn - Being of Love and Psychological Wisdom.

    THE PROBLEM: 

  • To Dr. Quinnzell(Did I spell your name right?) 

    • I am a lone character in my own dimension. I've been sent to my "room" by Uncle Jason and I have no fun in my life. Can you give me suggestions that will energize me?
    Klarion the Witchboy 

    MY ANSWER:

  •  Hey hey Klarion!!!!!

    • Well, I ain't neva been in yer situation before....so I reeeeeally couldn't say - my Puddin would be much better at this. I guess - oh hang on! I'll ask him!!!!!!!BRB......
    K, well Puddin says to skewer your uncle thru the nose (eeeeewwwwww) and swing him around by his....erm....hehe.You know. Then Puddin says "The World is Your Oyster" HUH??? I dont' get it. I guess what he's tryin ta say that if yer all that powerful as Etrigan(ultra-good buddy of mah man) says, then you could wreck some serious havoc here on Earth!!!
    Gee....maybe I should just let Mistah J handle this....
    Dr Harley - nothing compared to the Man Behind Her.

    THE PROBLEM: 

  • Dear Dr. Quinzelle,

    • The problem is, is that I'm in love with your Mistah J. He is sooooooooooooooooooo fine. I don't want to take him away from you, but I just can't help it. Every time I see him he just makes me drool. I can't help it. Boy, you sure know how to pick the guys. When it comes to manliness he's got it!!!!!! How can I find someone just like him, that way I won't have to steel him from ya. I really hope you can help because I don't know if I can stay away much longer. So please email me back soon. Hope you can help.
    .-ShortyIJ@AOL.com-

    MY ANSWER: 

  • WHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA------??????????STEAL MY MAN?!??! WHY YOU LITTLE!!!! WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YA, I'M GONNA - - HEY! GETCHA HANDS OFFA ME YA DIRTY ROTTEN GUARDS - - - NO! I DO NOT NEED A STRAIT JACKET - -- - ARGH! NOT THE NEEDLEEEeeeeeeeeeeeee.......................ughhhhhh...........

    • This is Dr. Joan Leland, Miss Quinn's psychiatrist. Unfortunately(?) - Harley has had to be sedated and confined to her cell. At any rate, her "psychoanalysis" was unathorised and should not be taken as factual or reliable. Allow me to assist you.
    Firstly: The Joker is not the kind of man you want. He is an extremely dangerous individual who should not be allowed hear the rest of humanity. I strongly urge you seek psychological counselling to help you push away this morbid infatuation and seek a man who is psychologically stable. If you find you find this method inaffective I would suggest a small amount of time in an institution.Feel free to contact me any time.
    Dr. Joan Leland.
    THE PROBLEM: 
  • Dear Dr. Quinzel,

    • Please!!! Help me! I have been acting weird the last week! I've been avoiding people and feel no self worth what-so-eva! My bestest, best friend is in Idaho and I feel so alone. With out her, I can't talk ta anyone with out coiling up and feeling foolish. She is also the one who is trying to hook me up with this guy (who has a great deal of "Puddin' potential", if ya know what i mean) and I can't talk to him because, eva since she had gone, I am afraid. It's like a peice of me left with her. What do I do Dr. Quinzel. I feel like I am going insane, but, isn't crazy supposed to be more fun?
    Thank you,
    Lonely in Loonyville

    MY ANSWER: 

  • Dear Lonely,

    • You are a PRIME example of the way our Warped Society has made the most normal of us feel peculiar. Ta me: ya don't got no probs!! Sure, not been able ta talk to ya bestest buddy (I'd die if I couldn't talk ta Ivy and Columbine and the rest of the CLA) is a huge difficult challenge, but you'll overcome it cuz you'll become stronger!! Ya know what the best thing to do is? Talk to your walls!! Trust me they are such good listeners, and if ya keep it up, they talk back!!! They're full of good advice.SERIOUSLY!!!"Rob that bank" "Kill that Pig" - man, the walls are full of wisdom, cuz they listen more than talk!! And crazy is defineetly more fun. All those nasty inhibtions just go floating outta the window!! Go mad and come visit us in Arkham! We['d love ta have ya! (Puddin wants me to add "for dinner" here, he he, he's such a card!!)
    Ha-Ha-HARLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    THE PROBLEM:
  •  It's me again... the umm...*Coughs and looks around embarassed* hero, Victory. You're right... I read through your reply...*while I happened to be in a villianess's hypnotic trance...* and it all makes sense now... I wanna change... cross the tracks to the side of the bad guys... but I need help... C..could you offer a hand?

    • In need of help,
    Victory

    MY ANSWER: 

  • *YAAAAAAAWN* Sheesh, dude, I'm bored with yer problems. Get ova it!!!
    THE PROBLEM:
  •  Whats up, Doc?

    • heehee! just kidding! Hi Harley, dear! How've ya been? YEA YEA CLA!!! WHOO-HOO!! 
    heh heh heh... 
    Ok, down to business. It seems I have a bit of a problem..AGAIN!! 
    Ya see, Harl, before i came a searchin for my dearest father and met you, I had a lover back in Paris who called himself Death. He is a wonderful assassin, though not on my level naturally, and is quite handsome...but he's not as fun ta be around as the CLA. My trouble is this: i started a group of assassins under my leadership who want me to come back to them and leave the CLA! im not gonna leave ya'll...but what should i tell them? 
    Or should i just kill em all? i could easily do so... 
    ---KaBuki

    MY ANSWER:
    Well, Buki, first of all - - MRHPMMHHHHH!!!!!
    Stand aside Harley-Girl - let a professional with a bit of panache handle this.
    Ye-yes Mistah J!!
    Kabuki, my dear. As your reluctant father, (and God, I'm sure) I know you'll take my advice on board and follow it to the letter.
    Well, quite simply if you don't, I'll rip your lungs out. 'Kay?
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
    Ahhhh......now. To business. Kill them all!! They're in the past, and from what I've seen of them, incompetents anyway! All so grim! Do they never smile?
    Tell them? Why bother? Lure them to a secluded hideaway, under the pretence of rejoining their gang and let them experience the final moments in a climax of terror and betrayal!! hahahaha.
    And let me watch, baby.
    I'm the only one worth your time. Turn stoolie,and I'll be forced to "do you in", Spawn of My Virile Loins.
    But tell 'em where to go, and I'll be proud to call you "daughter"
    ha-HA!!!
    The Glorious Clown Prince of Crime
    JOKER!!!
    Wow!! *sigh* hehe....what a guy!!!!!!!!!!
    ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

    THE PROBLEM:

  •  Harley.. er... Doctor...

    • You see... How should I say this? My father... well... not my real father. My real father is in his stupid mansion sucking up oysters with my mom. My mentor... well... he died a long time ago in my arms... Ever since then I had this tremendous need to protect my loved ones and train till my knuckles bleed so that I wouldn't feel weak... Do you think I need some counseling? Dr. Leland keeps nagging me about it. Oh and another thing... This guy I used to work for when I was a little kid, Lupin. He's the leader of the thieves guild in France. Well anyway he found out I was still alive. You see I faked my death to get away from them... Anywho.. He's tellin' me I have to go back to France... Can you do me a favor and ask Joker to tell him to F*ck Off? I figure Joker is intimidating enough to get Lupin off my back... Thanks... And I LOVE YA HARLS!! Er... Doctor.. I mean...
    Yours truly,
    Columbine Mountebank

    MY ANSWER:

  •  Hiya Colum...er, I mean patient.

    • Need counselling? Naaaah, I don't think so!!!! At least ya have the dedication and commitment needed to be a tru friend!!!Sheesh! These psychaitrists - I dunno! Anyhowz, you just keep right on training, knowin that you are doin what few pple have the courage to do for their friends!!!!!!Im soooo lucky to have someone like you!!!Counselling would only crush your desire to be a real friend, and be like the rest of the world. As fer Lupin - ah, Mistah J already bumped him off. Hope that's ok, but he gets really touche about anyone edgin in, even tho he's neva even round to supervise the CLA and I practically run the whole thing all by my--.....oh er, nothin Mistah J!!hehe *gulp*
    Dr Quinn.

    THE PROBLEM:

  •  Help!

    • I'm a victim of circumstance! I had a job at a chemical plant, and there was an attempt on my life... To make a long story short, the chemicals I fell in made me look like the Joker, but I'm not him, and so they through me in Arkahm! I'm not nuts! WHAT SHOULD I DO TO STOP THIS???!!! I want cosmetic surgery back to my old self!
    AHAHAHAHAHA,
    The Laughing Man

    MY ANSWER:

  •  WHAT? Personally, I don't think yer prob is that the docs are mistaken you for my man (tho HOW they could do that I don't know, ya ain't got nothin on his style, handsomeness or brains) I think yer prob is ya DON'T wanna look like him!HELLO!! Mistah J is THE sex-god of sex-gods, you should be thanking yer lucky stars ya psycho!!!

    • Dr Quinn - in no mood for quips!!

    THE PROBLEM:

  •  ayo Doc Harley-har-har! I got a HUGE problem

    • whenever I hear a song or see a music video on MTV or somethin,I cant help but sing that song! my friends are annoyed by that,and so am I! its like a second personality or somethin Doc! for example,earlier today,I turned to MTV and I saw "Wrong Way" by Sublime...and I couldnt help but sing it,and the strangest thing of all was I knew the lyrics to it,and I only seen it 2 times...help me...please
    J McKnight

    MY ANSWER:

  •  Ayo Mc Knight!!!

    • Ya know what I think? I think you should turn into a form of supervillainy!!! Yeah! I mean - we've got a dude obsessed with riddles, a dude obsessed with numbers, a chick obsessed with plants, and a chick obsessed with a murderous psychotic cown *ahem* but we don't got noone obsessed with singing songs!! And the fact that everyone condemns ya for it just adds angst and motive to yer cause!!Wheeee!! It'd be sooo much fun you could call yourself the MTV Marauder or SuperBad Songstress or somethin kewl like that!!
    Wishin ya all the luck,
    Harley of the Good Samaritan Psychos! (yeah Im jewish, dont mean I don't know what a Samaritan is!)

    THE PROBLEM:

  •  Dear Lady-like ma'am, right?

    • Listen, I didn't want to write this, but Superboy dared me to. Y'see me, Superboy, and Robin all know who the Joker is....but we can't figure out who you are! Rob's all smart, right? But he can't find any reference to you in our universe and stuff. So, like, my guess, you're from the future, right? You're actually a Flash villain, right?
    P.S. Ah...Don't tell Max I wrote this, OK? Please? Please? Please?
    P.S.S. Oh yeah, Superboy wants to add that I'm, like, insane and stuff and, to, like, help me. Like he's one to talk, right?
    Really Me,
    IMPULSE!!

    MY ANSWER:

  •  Who am I? WHO AM I?? WHY YOU CRETIN!!! I am HARLEY QUINN NOT just "The Joker's Groupie" but my OWN person!! I'm a supervillain in my own right, and if you don't think I can be devious and diabolical, why just step a little closer, I'll give ya the whuppin of a lifetime!!!!!

    • I am not from the future!!! What the hell is Flash? If you must know *I* have *no* idea who you and "Superboy" *spit spit* are, but I sure know who BirdBoy is, so I figure you can't be all that great big shots ya big phooeys!!
    so there!!
    nyah! ;Þ

    THE PROBLEM:

  • dea doc. I, the Juggalo, am also a deranged-psycopathic-mass-slaughterin' clown. I run with my crew, the carnival, but we have the misfortune of having these two lil' punk-ass freeks called squirlboy and fatass, two batman and supaman wanabes, that keep annoing us, afta' feeding them to a pack of rabid moths, they are no longa a annoyins, but we are bored from all the kfc's and 7-11 we distroy. Help!

    • the juggalo

    MY ANSWER:

  •  Well, Juggalo, I understand that you have biiiiiig problems. For exmaple: Your name. It just SCREAMS cellulite!! Never Fear, Doc Harley is here!!

    • Iffn I'm to unnerstand yer totally illiterate an scribbly 'scuse for a scrwal, ya alreayd done away with the B-man wannabes, and yer REAL prob is that ya don't know what ya do with yerself no more! Ok!
    My advice is this: TOTAL IMAGE CHANGE.

    I mean, The Carnival? Ok it might look good in theory, but kiddies tend to go "whee the Carnival is coming to town yippe" instead of "The Carnival?Oh no I think I made a mess in my pants!" This is why yer attackin 7-11s and KFCs you are subconcsiouly following yer own wussy image!! If you make yerselves more scary and threatening, you will have loads of bril ideas popin out one after the other! I know whatcha thinkin - but my Puddin takes the image of a clown and everyone is scared of him! That's because my Puddin is a GENIUS!! You can't expect to pull it off so effortlessly as him, so I'd cut yer losses and begin again!
    Harls the Barls

    THE PROBLEM: 

  • Dear Dr. Quinzel,

    • I've lost the will to live. I'm a big blue dork with red underwear and I think that your boyfriend should get some kryptonite and shove it down my throat so he can put me out of my misery. I hate the people around me, they can't realize that I'm a big stupid moron whose only disguise is a dinky pair of glasses. I wish I could be more like Mr. Mxyzptlk; Mxyzptlk's the greatest being of all time. Anyway I don't deserve to live, and when I die I hope I don't come back as 4 different people like the last time. Or that I turn into some electrical person with a new costume *shudder*. Could you ask your boyfriend to kill me? It'd make me very happy.
    Sincerely,
    Clark Ke--hey what are you....HEY LET GO OF ME!!! AAAUUUUGGGGH!!!!
    That's enough Mr. Kltpzyxm!!
    Hey ya blue buffoon!!! It's not Kltpzyxm, it's Mxyz....aw crap. *pop*
    Sorry about that Ms. Quinzel, it seems that....this annoying little man from a 5 dimension twice removed from ours tried to get rid of me by having me killed by the Joker....don't worry though; he's back in his world now. Hmmmm...wait a minute..... aren't you a bit too deranged to be dispensing advice?
    Clark Ke--ahh, Superman
    Metropolis

    MY ANSWER:

  • A-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! I finally know Superham's secret identity!! MR MXYZPTLK!!!!

    • Oh boy oh boy just wait till I tell Mistah J!! He's gonna plotz! He'll be overjooed! I'll get a raise! Then HE'LL get a raise!!tee hee! Things will be spiffy!
    Er - ahem!! Anyhoo, yes Stuporman, I know ya thought you'd outwit me by pretending Mxy was some other dude, but it was only a matter of time afore I saw thru yer disguise - but as ya came to me for advice, here tis:
    Yes, you are a big blue dork,and it's extremely therapeutical you can admit it. It's also time you changed yer undies!
    Dr Quinzel TRIUMPHANT!

    THE PROBLEM:

  • Dear Dr. Quinzel,

    • Um, I'm probably a stranger to you, seeing as how I'm from Japan and what not, but I heard that you give really good advice so I thought I'd take a shot. I have a problem with my pet. It seems that my Pikachu won't listen to me!! When I'm gonna compete with someone in a match and I call him forth, he just sits there and does nothing! I say, "Pikachu, I choose you!" and he just acts like he's all high and mighty and won't listen to me! And because of him I end up losing! I get so jealous every time I see my friends Misty and Brock--they actually have control of their pokemon! I'm about ready to just give him to Team Rocket--they're always following me because they want to catch my Pikachu. They're a pain in my side too, but at least they can be reasonable! Pikachu never listens, never does anything! Stupid yellow marshmallow rat! You have pets don't you? Can you relate to what I'm saying? What should I do?
    Sincerely,
    Ash Ketchum (the greatest pokemon master in the world!!!)

    MY ANSWER:

  • Urrrrhm......what's a Pikachu?

    • Just throw it a steak. Always works for the babies.

    THE PROBLEM:

  •  Dear Dr. Quinzel,

    • I'm having a problem with my boyfriend. It's bad enough that we're both from a 1,000 year old kingdom from the past and we were born again on this earth as superheroes to fight people from the dark side of the moon and such, but now he says that he doesn't have enough time for me! Oh please, like the fate of the universe is *so* important! OUCH! Dammit Luna, don't scratch me while I'm writing! Anyway, my boyfriend Darien....he's really not such a bad guy....he's majorly dreamy.....how I love his tuxedo....mmmm....and he loves roses too!! He's very romantic like that!!=) But every time I wanna do something with him, he always says that the fate of the galaxy is more important!! More important than ME?!?!?! Honestly! And then I got this stupid pink haired girl that is supposedly my daughter from the future treating me like crap and taking my man away from me!! AARGH, I HATE THAT STUPID LITTLE FLAMINGO HEAD!! *sigh*
    Sorry doc, I just thought that you could relate, what with your boyfriend not always having time for you. But at least when your boyfriend treats you badly, he doesn't blame it on a stupid spell or trance from the negaverse!! Is that the oldest excuse in the book or what?!?!
    So could ya help me doc? That would be wicked cool of ya!
    Luv,
    Sailor Moon
    --the moonlight is the message of love^_^

    MY ANSWER:

  • The Moonlight is the message of love?????Say what? What kinda gloopey thing is that to say??Yeesh! Freaking weirdos!!

    • ANYHOO, Doc Harley'll tellya what to do! 86 him! Yes you heard me! Bump this guy off!!
    Trance from the neagverse? Oy, he's just making words up now!!! He's goin out with yer daughter?!?!?!!? Oh that is the WORST kind of betrayal! Roses? Phaw!All men pull that old stunt!!! Mistah J always brings me acid spewing orchids....*sigh* now THAT'S a way to tell a fella loves ya!
    AND I'll tell ya somethin...the REASON Mistah J don't got lots of time for me, is cuz he's working towards a future when we CAN be together! treats me badly?? Dont' believe everythin you read in the noospaper!!!
    This guy is just so obviously a dork. Dump him,and I'll setcha up with someone nice!! Let's see.....Pefesser Crane ..nah,...to bizzy with that fear gas stuff....Ventriolquist? Hmm...Scarface might get in the way.....let's see who else we got....

    THE PROBLEM:

  •  Dear Dr. Quinzel,

    • Small problem here. A few weeks ago I found out my prick of a boyfriend was cheating on me with my best friend. So I tried to kill him. Nothing wrong with that, right? He deserved it, right? But the little brat starts bawlin and screaming while I'm cutting out his kidneys, and Batsy there takes it as a cry for help. Comes swooping down, breaks my window, and knocks me out with, of all things, a chair to the head. At least I got to bloody him a bit first. But I wind up stuck in Arkham with nothin to do but stare at the wall (apparently they were concerned that I'd offed some people I didn't like with an extention cord a few months back, too)
    Anyway, they say I need a lot of help before they let me outta here. You seem smarter that these brain-dead doctors. Do you know a good way NOT to kill people that piss you off? I tried all that crud like counting to ten and beating a pillow to death. Just makes it so I count, kill the pillow, THEN kill them.
    Thanx, Diamond

    MY RESPONSE: 

  • Well, Diamond my dear. First I want you to think very carefully: did you do anything to maybe make your boyfriend want to cheat on you? Did you keep his socks together? Did you iron his boxer shorts? Did you make him his favourite meals? Or did you maybe worry too much about yer career or sumpin?

    • Now never you fear, cuz Doc Harley sez: YES yer RIGHT for trying to dust him off for screwing around on ya BUT you HAVE to consider yer own actions. P'raps you just DROVE him away!! Ya see, the reason Mistah J and me have such a great and loyal relationship is cuz I am ALWAYS thinkin about HIS needs! This makes sure he's with me always!
    As for B-MAN GRRRRRRR.....listen honey, that loser is ALWAYS inteferin in other peoples fun!!!! He's abully! He's a pig!A fascist!!! forget abowt him!!!!!!
    BUT ya know, it's weird, anyoe who tries to exact welldeserved vengeance on their foes - they always seem to end up in Arkham!I don't know why!!! Society is so warped these days. A good way NOT to kill pple who make me cranky? Hmmm......well......how about....er.....WAIT a sec...I'll ask Mistah J (HEY it's always good to get the advice of other brillyant folks when yer workin on something!) OK Mistah J says - do somethin awful to their family!! Yeah! Why didn't I thinka that? That is a fabulous idea! Do something awful to their family!
    Problem solved!
    Dr Quinzel, she puts the "Psych" in "Psychologist"!

    THE PROBLEM: 
  • Dr. Quinzel

    • I have a problem. I keep hearing voices. I don't know what to do. At first it was kinda cool. They gave me great ideas for fun, like tripping little kids in the hallway and shredding some jerk's homework. But lately, they've been saying things like "be nice to your sister," "cleanliness is godliness," and "space is the place." I just don't get it. And when I ignore them, they start singing. Really bad. What can I do about this? I just can't go on. Help! Athena

    MY RESPONSE:

  •  WOWSERS! Sounds ta Doc Harley like your voices is the ones whaat need some advice!!!! Ya know what my adviceis? Bring your voices in to me, and I'll sit down and have a nice long chat with them, and work out what's makin em talk so crazy!!! BUT HURRY! Afore ya know it, you'll be TAKING their advice!!

    • Dr Quinzel - gets straight to the heart of a problem, then eats it!


DR QUINZEL - CONTINUED!

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