As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, A Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill 3 Wishes for her. "Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be Rich." POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid Gold. "And I wouldn't mind being a Young and Beautiful Princess." POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite Young Princess. With a priceless Crown of Jewels. "Your Third Wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. The elderly woman's Dog raised his head and uttered a single, weak hoarse "woof." "Could you possibly turn my wonderful Dog into a Handsome Prince?" POOF: There, in front of the Old Woman, who has now turned into a Beautiful Princess, stood the most Handsome Young Man anyone had ever seen. More handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

One morning, the members of a farm family were coming to the kitchen for breakfast. Just as Junior seated himself, his mother told him that he wasn't going to get anything to eat until he went to the barn and fed the animals. Mad at this, he stomped out the door and headed for the barn. As he fed the chickens, he kicked each one in the head. As the cow bent down to start on fresh hay, he kicked her in the head. He poured food into the trough for the pigs, and as they started eating, he kicked each one in the head. He went back to the kitchen and sat down again. His mother was furious. "I saw what you did, so since you kicked the chickens, you'll get no eggs for breakfast. And since you kicked the cow, you'll get no milk. And no bacon or sausage because you kicked the pigs. Just then, the father came down the stairs and nearly tripped over the cat. On impulse, he kicked the cat off the stairs. The boy looked at his mother and asked "Are you going to tell him or should I?
 
 

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family here, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. "He said, 'Fuck him, give him a dollar.' ...The breakfast was my idea."
 
 

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded to the last hotel manager, "Or just a bed - I don't really care where. Im completely exhausted". "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and Im sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived. "Never better." John said. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time." "How'd you manage that?" "He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all night
watching me."
 
 

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had  prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.  "Doctor, the hormones you`ve been giving me have really helped, but I`m afraid that you`re giving me too much. I`ve started growing hair in places that I`ve never grown hair before."  The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"  "On my balls."
 
 

Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island. After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself. After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her. After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again.
 
 

Fur a Weekend

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared." So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn`t a single penny in your checking account!!" "I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
 
 

Why did God give men penises? --- So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

What's the difference between a paycheck and your penis? --- You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.

How is a woman like a laxative? --- They both irritate the crap out of you.

Why do women have breasts? --- So men would talk to them.

What's the difference between a woman and a coffin? --- You come in one and go in the other.

Why do women close their eyes during sex? --- They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild? --- Money.

Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf? --- They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

What's the difference between your wife and your job? --- After 5 years your job will still suck.

What's the best thing about a blow job? --- Ten minutes of silence.

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? --- Marriage.

Why are hangovers better than women? --- Hangovers will go away.

Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? --- Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't? --- Her navel.

Why are women like screen doors? --- Once they get banged a few times they loosen up.

How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex? --- Wipe your penis on the curtains.

How can a woman tell she's flat chested? --- She looks down her dress and the two bumps she sees are her knees.

Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat? --- They both feel good but you wonder who's been there before you.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? --- You can unscrew a light bulb.

Why did God make man first? --- He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb? --- None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Why are hurricanes normally named after women?-- Because when they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.