{Teenager Humor} {Arizona Humor} {Vincent Van Gogh}
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with
them in the ladies room at 2pm.
They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror. 
Lipstick
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter
2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.
3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
3. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex
without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind will kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
5. In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this; the only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early".
6. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
7. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
8. The following places are not appropriate for a date
with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where the there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romance or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
9. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be out of shape,
balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on
issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth. I have many guns, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
10.Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for
me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts to acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car, there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face in the window is mine.
1. If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Things Kids Don't Learn In School
Rule 1: Life is not fair; get used to it.
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you screw up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes. Learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you as many tries as you want to get the right answer. This, of course, doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off, and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Charles Sykes is the author of DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS. A list of eleven things they did not learn in school. In his book, he talks about how the feel-good, politically correct approach has created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and set them up for failure in the real world.
Teenage Tips
2. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.
1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
*The cows are giving evaporated milk.
*The trees are whistlin' for the dogs.
*A sad Arizonian once prayed, "I wish it would
rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it - but
for my 7-year-old."
*A visitor to Phoenix once asked, "Does it ever rain
out here?" A rancher quickly answered "Yes, it
does. Do you remember that part in the Bible
where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"
The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's
flood." "Well," the rancher puffed up, we got
'bout two and a half inches of that."
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"It's So Hot In Arizona That......"
*The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
*Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice
to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
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"You Know You're In Arizona When..."
*You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off...
*You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good
branding iron...
*You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers
to drive your car...
*It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation,
and not one person is out on the streets...
*Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get
knocked out and end up lying on the pavement
and cook to death?..."
His obnoxious brother................. Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt.........................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes.............Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle .................Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store.......Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia........U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois...............Chica Gogh
His magician uncle.....................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin.....................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother.............Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach.............Wellsfar Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt..............Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco...............Go Gogh
The bird lover uncle...................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst...............E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking................Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew...............Poe Gogh
Vincent Van Gogh
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
