Chris's Page
"A memory to honour Chris's Mom"
Shirley 1922-1995
A Mother’s Journey
It has been awhile now Mom
since you have left me
and I still feel the raw pain
from that separation.
As a small child, you told me that I
was the center of your universe.
You always managed
to make me feel as such,
even on my worst days.
I remember coming home from school
for our daily ritual of snacks,
where we would exchange
the events of our day.
You would listen so captivatingly
at my silly stories and praise me
for every small success.
The kitchen always smelled of
fresh baked goodies and
I thought for sure,
that all children had it so good.
Christmas was my favorite time of the year.
It was always a special occasion in our home.
Our tree was the biggest in the world,
filled underneath with presents
of varying colours and sizes.
Each one holding dreams to come true
and the proverbial socks
from relatives and friends.
I can still envision the large turkey
resting on the platter,
surrounded by a bed of fruits and vegetables.
After dinner, we would gather
into the living room
to play the piano.
Your voice was like an angel’s and
it would bring such life to traditional carols.
No one was exempt from participation.
Everyone sang along and drank eggnog.
Nearing midnight, we were allowed to open
one present each.
Boy, that was a difficult decision!
So many to pick from,
yet only a single choice.
But, there was all the others
- come morning.
Soon the years sped by faster than I realized,
with me travelling the world.
Seeing for real all the places that you
had talked or read to me about.
But, through the graces of modern technology,
we kept in constant contact.
I gathered souvenirs and tales to bring to you.
I always knew there was a tomorrow.
A tomorrow to tell you of my journeys or
a tomorrow to tell you how much I cared.
The world waited, while I placed it
on the back burner.
I continued my selfish journey
of explorations and newly made friendships.
Then one day, I found myself crushing
the telephone receiver in my hand,
as I listened to the words
that no person should have to hear.
An enemy had invaded my world.
An enemy unseen, but so destructive
that the very mention of its name
brought fear to the very core of my being.
A word that turned saliva to bile and
twisted my heart
to a simulation of its former self.
Cancer had invaded my world and
brought my composure to a grinding halt.
Cancer had taken another victim
and this time it was you, Mom.
Time had suddenly become my adversary.
It was the injured friend that had come
to rip my world of tranquilty apart.
I couldn’t let your illness Mom,
keep me away one more second.
The journey back home
was very long and drawn-out.
Each second felt like a
lifetime was slipping away.
Arriving at my final destination,
I lost all the composure that I had
mapped in my mind.
When I arrived,
we held each other for dear life.
Pretending that all was well,
inspite of what our hearts knew
to be the truth.
Ignorance was indeed bliss.
I had no idea of the extend of
your illness and what would come to be.
My mind has been forever marked
with the images of treatments,
hospital stays and procedures so painful,
that words cannot do them justice.
My role was very limited,
as I became a witness to the strongest woman
I had ever known.
For hours we talked.
Each trying to fill the hours with
happy thoughts,
to make the horror of what was
taking place become minute.
We re-visited old haunts and told
old tales of my childhood.
You talked to me for hours,
that is until your medication robbed me
of your consciousness.
But throughout your ordeal,
you were adamant about being strong and
beating this forced intrusion to your body.
Each day I visibly measured you
losing the obtrusive battle,
but winning the war of courage and dignity.
You struggled resolutely to
capture each breath
and hold it prisoner,
till you were visibly forced to release it.
Together we cried, laughed and created
moments to last me a lifetime.
If it had been at all possible,
I would have traded places with you
in a heartbeat.
But we both knew how impossible that dream was.
How I wished that I could go back
to the beginning of my existence and
capture another chance.
Another chance to do things differently and better.
As a child, I did childish things.
Like taking for granted those times together,
which I now hold so dear in my mind and heart.
Little did I realize then,
what they would come to mean to me later.
The night that our Creator came
to take you home,
was the most broken moment of my life.
I was defenseless to do anything concrete
and too removed from reality to care.
Every movement took well measured plans.
I wanted to go to sleep and wake up
to realize it was just a dream,
but the blessed darkness eluded me for weeks.
Friends tried to be helpful,
but their presence was an intrusion
on my need to be alone.
No one could fill the hole in my heart,
that your departure had so savagely put there.
How would I ever go on without you!
I know that fireworks must have announced
your arrival into heaven that night.
For each time I stare at the blanket
of stars above,
I know that they are letting me comprehend,
that they are celebrating
with you all over again.
For each twinkle is the sparkle in your eyes,
each shooting star a kiss
that you are sending directly to me.
My wish is no secret, to anyone
who knows what desires live in my heart.
With each passing year, I miss you more.
With each passing year, I grow more
respectful and appreciative of the lady
who lost her fight with Mother Nature,
but won the respect and honour of
having me call her Mom.
Time does not erase the memories or the
pain that keeps your anamnesis fresh.
I still hear your laughter and
smell your hair,
with every action that introduces a memory.
Your transition to the City of Lights
has not diminished or weaken the bonds
of my illusory umbilical tie to you.
You will always, forever,
be my mother.
My love for you will never die
or cease to exist.
It is a love strong enough to survive
the loss of your physical being.
But never too powerful,
as to be lost in the depth of my emotions
I have for you.
Continuously my sanity walks hand-in-hand
with the knowledge that someday,
I will be in your sweet company.
Home at last.
Love,
Chris
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