Erica laid on the couch in her dark living room. Although it was a beautiful day, she didn't feel like venturing outdoors, besides she knew it was only a matter of time before Taylor found his way over to her house. And what was she supposed to do then? Tell him about Elmer, Rudy and the little incident with Jeff? What were they supposed to talk about now? They were so completely different.
The doorbell rang sharply. Erica got off of the couch and headed for the door, pulling her baggy blue adidas pants out from under her feet. She opened the door to reveal Taylor, smiling broadly.
"Hey-y!" she said with a forced smile and false enthusiasm. She opened the door more so that he could enter.
"What's up?" he asked awkwardly. Should I hug her? he thought, Maybe I shouldn't if I have to question whether or not I should.
"Nothing really, I'm just hanging out." she replied walking into the living room once again.
"Wow, it's kind of dark in here." Taylor commented as he followed her into the living room.
She shrugged, "I haven't really noticed." she replied before plopping onto the couch indian style.
Taylor also sat on the couch, but made sure that there was plenty of space between them. He wasn't really sure where the line of friendship was at, "So, you're looking good, ya know?" he mumbled.
"What were you expecting me to look like? A corpse in a box?" she remarked snidely.
"I dunno." he whispered glancing away.
"How was the tour?" she asked sarcastically.
Taylor winced and fiddled with his watch, "It was alright actually. I mean, sometimes the buses were a little tight and, sure there were those days when you want to severely hurt certain members of your family. But, above all, alright. The shows were good."
"Good to get in touch with different people, right? New places and new faces." she pursed her lips together and crossed her arms.
"Ya know, you could go a little easier on me. You don't have to make things difficult, they already are." he snapped.
"Go a little easier on you?" she asked in disbelief.
He cut her off before she could begin her ranting and raving, "I just want to be your friend right now. I don't want anything more than friendship." he stressed the word friendship as much as he possibly could.
Erica paused, slightly taken aback by the fact that he didn't want a relationship. She was so used to him crawling back to her the first second that she got mad, but he wasn't doing that. He just wanted to be friends.
Taylor couldn't tell what she was thinking. He knew that when she took too long to answer him, he was close to losing her to some absurd logic, "Listen Er," he started.
He hasn't called me Er in the longest time! she marveled.
He continued with his eyes averted from her, "Point blank, just to throw it out here, I love you." He glanced up into her eyes, "I love you so much that I can't be in a relationship with you right now. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to me. I'm just your retarted friend, breaking my own heart over you again and again because I am so compelled to do the right thing by you. So, if that means that I have to suffer for some time without you, then I guess that's the way it's gonna have to be." He paused, "Basically, I just love you."
Erica closed her eyes and and sighed heavily. The way he said that he loved her sounded so good and so familiar, like she had heard it before. She didn't know that she had heard it once, while in a coma, half dead. And a small piece of her was floating around inside, a small 'I love you' of her own. It was struggling to make it through the layers of hurt and pain between her and Taylor. Her eyes shot open, "You don't love me. You could never love someone because you're so wrapped up in yourself and your pathetic life. I don't need you to love me."
That small I love you that had been fighting to come out suddenly disappeared back to the hidden spot in her heart that held her and Taylor and happier times together. It would lay there, buried for quite awhile.
Taylor stared at her for a moment, "Are you trying to punish me?" he asked, feeling his eyes fill with tears, "Because I made a stupid mistake. One that I wake up with and go to sleep regretting every day. And for that one mistake I'm an asshole? Our past, our history means nothing?"
Erica shook her head, suddenly finding some sort of sympathy inside of her, "I'm not trying to punish you." she replied softly.
Taylor's tears spilt over and he let out a sob, "Well then stop fucking doing it!" he put the palms of his hands on his eyes to stop the tears.
She scooted closer to him and rubber her hand gently on his arm, "Hey c'mon." she said softly.
He balled his hands into fists, "I wish I knew what to say." He grinded his teeth, "I'm so lost, I don't know anything anymore."
"Awe, c'mon Tay," she soothed," the situation is not that bad. It's only me. Just me, no one special and nothing to get so excited over."
He faced her and cupped her face within his palms, which were wet with his tears, "It's not just you. It is you."
She put her hands on his wrists to remove his hands from her face, "Taylor."
"There's something about you," he said holding on tighter, "something that draws people to you because you're so amazing."
"Taylor, you're hurting me." she tried to remove his hands again.
"That thing," he continued obliviously, "it makes me want you..." he let his desperate eyes burn into hers.
"Tay," she began as her eyes watered from the feel of his fingernails digging into her cheeks. She had never seen that look in his eyes, like he wasn't there all at once.
"It makes me need you." he tightened his grip again.
She forcefully pushed him off of her, "Get off me!" she screamed suddenly breaking the silence in her house. Taylor quickly recoiled, the look in his eyes faded, "I want you to leave." she demanded standing up, distancing herself from both Taylor and the couch.
Isaac knelt carefully in the grass and rested his hand on the cool marble. His eyes ran slowly over the words.
Tears filled Isaac's eyes as he pushed a few leaves away from the headstone and sat Indian style in front of it. His heart slowed to a steady calming pace.
There were so many things he wanted to say and things they could have done. If he had held on tighter, if he had said he loved her too, she would be alive. She died because he didn't know how to love her and let go of his pride. He feared that he would never allow himself to love anyone outside of his family ever again. Because he only knew the hurt and pain that went along with love. He knew nothing of joy and long talks about nothing in the wee hours of the morning.
He glanced up at the powder blue sky spotted with cotton ball clouds. He frowned. Such a nice day was ruined by the fact that Stacie was dead. He looked back to the headstone and placed his hand upon it once again, "I did love you Stacie." he whispered, "I swear to God I loved you. I loved you so much." His face crumpled and he started to cry as the wind swept around him and through his hair. He layed on the ground with his face and hand resting on the headstone and sobbed, "I did love you. So much. I was a jerk, but I loved you. Honest."
Erica stared at Taylor and stood her ground defiantly, "I'm so tired of this, Taylor. I'm so tired of having to cave in every time you feel the urge to cry."
"I'm not asking you to cave in. All I want is you to forgive me. Truly forgive me with all of your heart." he answered.
She ran her hands through her hair and groaned, "You can't make me forgive you, Taylor."
"I don't want to force you!" he raised his voice in exasperation, "Sooner or later you won't be able to hold that against me!"
"What?" Erica asked in disbelief. He had left her to die, she was pretty sure that she could hold that against him forever.
"You used to love me and you still do. One day you'll have to admit that to yourself. Not to me, to yourself! People move on, they grow and they change and if you would snap yourself out of your self righteous pity state maybe you could see that you're passing up something great!" He looked her over and shook his head, "The sad thing is, when you finally realize it, when it finally hits you...I'm afraid that I won't care so much anymore."
She turned away from him, "I can't forgive you right now. Nothing you can say to me can change that."
Taylor moved towards her, "Why?" he asked, "Just tell me why."
She turned back around to face him, "Because you'll do it again! I'll give you my heart and you'll break it all over again! I'll believe in you and all of your shallow promises and you'll break every one of them again. I'll put my faith into you and trust that you'll love me too and at the first bump in the road you'll turn around and run again! I won't let you do that to me, Taylor! I won't be hurt by you time after time and come back to let you do it again when you finally realize what you have thrown away!" She paused and her bottom lip trembled, "So just turn around and leave Taylor, please." she whispered, "Just go."
Here's To The Night- Eve 6
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