Kate stood by the stove, glancing over her shoulder at her husband. It had been only four months since their wedding, but Kate would already refer to their relationship as old. Buck sighed deeply and let his head fall into his hands, staring at the table. This was nothing uncommon in the Cross family's home, and hadn't been uncommon since they returned from their honeymoon. Buck's new job was wearing him down to the bones, more and more every day, heavier and heavier. But he refused to see it, or if he did he never let on, and it was tearing both him and his marriage apart.

"Honey, dinner's ready. Could you get Sherry?" Kate begged carefully, well aware of her husband's constant headaches.

"Sure…" came the mumbled reply as Buck scrambled heavily to his feet.

Kate sighed and watched her husband move slowly through the kitchen to the sitting room, where their daughter played happily with her toys. Buck reemerged a minute later with Sherryleen on his arm.

"Hi there, sweetie!" Kate smiled warmly.

"Hi mom!" the girl laughed happily, even drawing a smile to Buck's lips.

He put her down in her baby chair, patting her curly hair with a careful hand. Then he sat heavily on his own chair, again leaning his head in his hands. Kate placed the pots and the table and began serving her family. Buck felt bad about letting her do it, being over five months pregnant and all, but he just couldn't bring himself to even look up, let alone help her. He was beat, no arguing about it.

As they ate there was a silence between the two adults, but mother and daughter spoke and laughed until Buck thought his aching head would seriously explode. He bit his teeth together and let the child's conversation continue, but in his head he was dreaming for the silence and comfort of the bedroom upstairs. Sherryleen had her own room across the hall, but at the present Buck wished that was his room. Kate would always respect his wish for another week of celibacy, but it had been "another week" for four months now. She was growing very impatient, and Buck was well aware of that, but still working took all his strength away before he even had it. He wasn't happy when he didn't see her smile, and worse still was playing with Sherryleen. She took so much energy, energy he didn't have.

He looked up suddenly to see Kate remove his plate. He had barely touched his meal as usual, but this time he had really succeeded to spook himself, being so lost in his thoughts he hadn't even noticed what went on around him. Sherryleen was no longer at the table, and the kitchen was once again quiet.

"Are you okay, honey?" Kate asked while doing the dishes.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just tired that's all," Buck replied in the same slow and murmuring tone he had used for months. Ever since he began to work for Mr. Hamilton.

"Should I get you some more Aspirin?"

"No, I've had too much already," Buck said as he rose from the table, walking up to his wife. "I love you," he whispered and kissed her cheek, embracing her from behind.

"I love you too, sweetie."

Kate kissed him back, watching herself from becoming too intimate. Every time she did cross that line he would pull back faster than a stampeding horse, and she didn't want that.

They stood there in the kitchen for a long moment, then Buck broke free and gripped his temple. Kate heard a low moan.

"Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yeah, I just wanna rest some…" Buck answered, closing his eyes for a blessed moment.

"You go to bed, I'll be up in a minute," Kate smiled and patted his cheek.

She knew he wouldn't even miss her if she stayed downstairs for another couple of hours, sensing he would sleep the minute his head hit the pillow. Watching him walk wearily up the stairs she sighed and wondered just where all this would end. She returned to the dishes and finished cleaning up in the kitchen, then went to put their daughter to sleep. Her heart sank at the thought that her husband didn't even kiss his daughter goodnight.

Buck awoke only a few hours later, but it felt like minutes. It was pitch dark outside, like every morning he got up, not to mention every night he came back home. He worked first at home with his own horses and then hurried to Mr. Hamilton's farm to repeat the same chores there. He didn't get off until nightfall and this proceeded six days a week. On Sundays Kate would let him sleep and she took care of the morning chores on her own, but with the baby growing bigger in her stomach Buck wouldn't let her anymore. So he got up at the crack of dawn anyway. And on Sundays he worked even harder than otherwise, trying to keep up with all the work around the homestead that he didn't have time for during the weeks. His homecoming each night was always the same; just a weak smile at Kate and their daughter, a few grunts about a headache and possibly a quick "I love you" before taking a nap on the couch before dinner. But despite those naps he would sleep like a log at night.

As he crawled regretfully out of bed he placed a quick kiss on Kate's forehead. She always woke up before him and made sure he made it to work in time. She took his pillow in her arms and hugged it as if it were his body, watching him as he dressed. The moon which was still shining outside gave him the only light he needed to navigate in the room, but he couldn't see his wife's face. This saddened him each and every morning, when all he wanted to see was her delicate features and seducing smile. If he saw that he knew he would be a little stronger at work. Just a little.

"Take care," she mumbled and he walked up to her to kiss her lips carefully.

"Go back to sleep," he whispered and stroked her face.

"Tell Sherry I love her," he mumbled before exiting the bedroom.

When the sun was making its first attempts to warm the frozen ground that morning Buck had just arrived at Mr. Hamilton's farm. It was big, with almost three hundred beef cows and perhaps half as many horses. Buck was greeted by his boss before walking into one of the large barns to meet the other wranglers.

"Hey there Buck," one of them called, nodding at him.

"Hey…" he replied and yawned discretely.

"Don't we look like crap this mornin'!" another man snickered while tending to a horse.

"Ain't your missy givin' ya anythin'?" a third man joked and Buck had to grunt.

"How you guys make it anyway? You work as much as I do," he said, leaning against the wall.

"A little whiskey and a little coffee, that's the only medicine you need, boy!" the first man laughed.

"Say what?" Buck frowned.

"Take an almost full cup of coffee, black. Then you add whiskey until the cup is full. Strong whiskey. You'll see a difference, I guarantee it!"

The other two men in the barn laughed but Buck was not amused.

"That's what you guys drink?"

"Every mornin'!" the one with the horse nodded.

"To every meal! And once extra in the evenin!" the third man smiled in assurance.

"I'll just keep my coffee black," Buck muttered and walked into one of the stalls he was supposed to clean out. Behind his back the three men laughed heartily.

"You'll come around, boy!"

"I give you one more week, then I guarantee you changed your mind!"

Buck just took a deep breath and went about his chores.

Three weeks passed and still the days looked pretty much the same, both to Kate and to Buck. Kate's stomach was getting bigger by the day and she had to groan sometimes, thankful Buck still knew how to behave so he helped her around the house. But even the smallest things, like setting the table, was enough to make him groan too and grip his temples with a painful expression. The sound of two plates meeting was enough to make him use bad language, which he rarely did otherwise. Especially around Sherryleen, but lately he hadn't paid much attention to that. Kate was very worried about his health, but every time she mentioned it he just changed the subject. Their love life had been rather non-existing too. One night Kate had had enough.

"Buck?" she probed, stroking his shoulder absently, lying behind him in their big bed. He lifted his head slightly to show her he was awake. His throat had been rather sore the last couple of days and he regretted to open his mouth. "Are you very tired?" she asked.

"Yeah, why?" he mumbled in response.

"We haven't been together for a long time now, I was thinking maybe tonight? It's Sunday tomorrow, you can sleep late…" Kate was doing everything to make him see how hungry she was for his love.

"I'm sorry, honey. I'm too tired," he replied with a deep sigh, reaching behind him to touch her thigh.

"You know I love you, don't you?"

"Mmmhh… But I wanna love you for real, like we used to do before we got married," Kate said while snuggling closer to his warm back.

"I'm sorry, I'm really beat. Some other night…"

"But there is no other night, Buck! You're always tired, and on Saturdays you can't do it because you're still tired from work and on Sundays you can't do it because you have to get up early. Buck, there is no other night," Kate reasoned with a pleading voice, but her husband only sighed deeply.

"I told you I'm sorry," he mumbled, feeling her hand reach for his groin.

"Please, just once…" she whispered in his ear while stroking him through his longjohns.

"No!" Buck all but shouted, violently pushing her hand away, but she refused to give up that easily.

This time he seemed to give in to her with a hopeless sigh, but nothing happened. A good minute passed before he soundlessly scooted closer to his side of the bed and pulled the covers up to his chin. Kate swallowed and watched him for awhile. When he seemed to have settled in to rest she too laid down again, sighing deeply. That night they slept on separate sides of the bed, which they hadn't ever done before.

Kate opened her eyes and looked around. She couldn't recall waking earlier that morning but still it was almost sunrise. She decided Buck must have sneaked out without waking her, but she turned around just in case.

"Buck!" she called. "Honey, you've over slept!"

Buck stirred and looked into her wide open eyes.

"Get up!" she ushered and pointed at the clock which hung on the opposite wall.

In the pre-dawn light Buck could make out it was past six, which meant he was over an hour late. He pulled the covers aside and was fast to gather some clothes. He ran out of the room half dressed and nearly forgot to close the door silently as to not wake Sherryleen.

Kate sighed and listened to him rush down the stairs. She heard him walk through the kitchen and take his breakfast and lunch sandwiches, which she had readied for him the night prior. She heard the door closing and the almost comfortable sound of feet moving over freshly fallen snow in the icy morning air. Less than half an hour later she heard a horse trot over the white patch and her husband's shout to make his mount run faster.

She tried to go back to sleep, but she couldn't. Instead she laid there staring at the ceiling rubbing her belly, where a rapidly growing and highly impatient child was kicking and moving about. The first few months she could always trust Buck to love the feel of his child moving, but lately he hadn't even paid any attention to it. She knew it wasn't his personality changing, not really, it was just his boss who kept him working so hard he could barely stand in the evenings. Soon she heard Sherryleen up and walking so she made her way down the hall to her daughter's room, greeting her good morning.

Kate couldn't stop pacing. It was almost nine and Buck still wasn't back from work. He usually came back after six, sometimes seven, but never this late. Sherryleen was already tucked into bed sleeping, and Kate felt she should do the same, but not without knowing where her husband was at. She didn't know whether to be mad at him or worried about him. She sighed and sank down on the couch, staring out through the window, forcing her tired eyes to stay open. It had been an unusually hard and tiresome day for her, with the baby moving more than normally and Sherryleen coughing, sounding like she had a cold. Thank God she doesn't have a fever too, Kate thought and jumped suddenly, something sounding on the porch. But it was only snow falling from the roof and not her husband.

She wanted to stay awake and wait for him, but her eyes threatened to shut and she didn't want to have to climb the stairs in the middle of the night if she fell asleep on the couch. So she threw one last glance out the window and started for the bedroom. The bed felt cold and empty without him, but she tried to tell herself it was only like every morning after he went to work. Sleep was slow in coming, but still there was no sign of Buck.

Buck crept down between the sheets without a sound, pleased to find his wife still sleeping when he positioned himself behind her, closing his eyes. He was so tired he couldn't stay awake one more minute, and sinking into the pillow he instantly began to dream. Kate opened her eyes slowly and became aware of her husband hugging her from behind. His hands were still cold from the night and his breath felt unusually warm on her neck. But there was something else too. She couldn't put her finger on it at once, but as she laid there with all her senses seeking an explanation to the raising hairs at the base of her neck it suddenly dawned on her. There was a faint trace of perfume in the air. Female perfume. And it sure hadn't been there before Buck came back!

Kate squinted. It was almost five in the morning and Buck was already getting dressed at the foot end of the bed. She had noticed lately that every morning, even when the baby moved a lot, she couldn't wake up as early as she wanted to. As early as she used to. She knew that the pregnancy took most of her strength, but she couldn't bear not seeing her husband before he went to work. She forced herself to wake up.

"Hey," she spoke drowsily.

"Hey," Buck smiled back and tiptoed to her side.

"I'm sorry I came back so late last night," he whispered and gave her a quick kiss.

"What happened to you?" Kate asked.

"I'll explain when I get home, you need to sleep now," he said and looked around for his shirt on the floor.

"I was thinking," Kate started to change the subject.

"Mmmhh hmm?"

"Maybe we should get one of those alarm clocks," she suggested, sitting up.

"Those things that make horrible noise when you want to sleep in late?" Buck asked absently, flashing her a smile before he pulled on his vest.

"Exactly," Kate smiled back. Aren't we awfully happy this morning…?

"Well, I'll think about it, okay?" Buck promised and hurried to her side again. "Take care now," he whispered and kissed her affectionately on the cheek.

"You too," Kate whispered back and saw him leave out the door, sneaking past Sherryleen's room.

She sat in the bed for awhile, staring at the door. He hadn't been this lighthearted for months. She rubbed her knuckles harder and harder while she thought about it, trying to come up with a reasonable explanation to the perfume scent and the sudden change in her husband's mood. When she couldn't think of anything that made sense she fell back against the pillows and slumbered restlessly for a few more hours.

"I knew you'd come around," Buck heard from behind him.

He turned over his shoulder and smiled at Owen, one of the other wranglers. He brought his tin cup to his mouth and sipped at the dark brew again. The whiskey burned in his already aching throat, but he had already seen a remarkable change in himself since he started to drink this secret mix of liquor and coffee. Owen clapped his back and laughed heartily.

"What does the missy say, huh? I bet she's sittin' there at your cabin just waitin' for ya to come back and give her more!" the older man laughed again, this time hearing at least three other wranglers in the barn join him.

"Nah, I haven't gone that far," Buck admitted and poured himself some more coffee.

"Are you out of you head, boy!"

"Aaah, he's young! He'll come around!"

"Give it to the missy boy, you'll never be sorry!"

Buck was overwhelmed. These men he worked with weren't the Pony Express riders, but they were all very much like Cody. And Teaspoon, when he came to think about it. But mostly like Cody. All the endless talk about "giving it to the missy" and "come around" and "drink whiskey to perform better"… Buck had to admit he liked being the center of their attention once in awhile, being the youngest hand at the ranch, but sometimes they managed to confuse him more than help him. And he still couldn't understand how they, those much older men, could "come around" so easily though they worked almost more than Buck himself. And I sure can't do it, he thought morosely. So much for young and virile…

"I'll just stay on this miracle diet of yours for awhile," he murmured and had the men crumbling with laughter again.

"What's so funny?" a female voice suddenly spoke.

All eyes landed on the petite, blonde, young beauty standing in the door. Her dark blue eyes sparkled when she saw the man she wanted to talk to, and her full, seducing red lips pouted when she moved gracefully to his side.

"Hello, Buck!"

"Hi Melinda," Buck replied and set his cup down.

"I want to thank you for doing such a wooonderful job last night," Melinda Hamilton spoke in a slow drawl, her eyebrows furrowed slightly and her eyes seeking his, her body wriggling sensually where she stood in front of him.

"Oh yeah?" Buck glanced over his shoulder and noticed all men in the barn were staring at him, stifling their laughs.

"You were briiilliant!" Melinda continued much in the same way.

"You're welcome," Buck murmured, grabbing a fork. He began to toss new straw into one of the stalls, hoping Melinda would find someone else to bug, but she stood where she stood.

"I was wondering if I could eeever repay you?" she asked and fluttered her eyelashes at him.

"Uh, no. I don't think that's necessary," Buck said and looked up discretely, meeting Owen's knowing eyes.

"Well, if you should change you mind, you knooow where to find me," Melinda smiled warmly and walked out of the barn, her hips moving just a little too much for Buck's liking.

After she had gone, four men were eager to find out what had caused this behavior from the sexy but otherwise restricted nineteen-year-old Melinda Hamilton.

"And what exactly did you do last night after we went home?"

"Huh? Come on, tell us!"

"Was she good?"

"Spill the beans now, Buck!"

Buck looked perplexed, looking at his co-workers with worry written all over. Kate mustn't find out about this!

Kate and Lou walked down the street, feeling like two houses in the crowd, both of them pregnant enough to show it. Lou had suggested they went down to the marshal's office, where they could talk in private. Kate had been distressed all morning and wasn't in the mood for shopping.

"I'm worried about Buck," Kate said and sat on a chair outside Teaspoon's old office, where Kid now ruled after Teaspoon had moved back to Sweetwater.

"Why, what's wrong?" Lou asked and sat down next to her friend.

"Actually, I'm worried about us…"

"How do you mean?" Lou was still confused.

"Well, he works from crack of dawn, comes home way after dark and he always showers," Kate explained.

"Why, that's good ain't it?" Lou asked, still not getting it. "That he showers, I mean?"

"I used to think that too, and I used to understand that he feels a little messy after all that work," Kate nodded then fell silent, looking for words. "But last night he didn't shower, and he was really late so perhaps you'd say he didn't shower because it was cold," she spoke, knowing she sounded strange in her thoughts.

"Yeah?" Lou tried to help her onto the right track again.

"When he finally came to bed, he smelled of perfume."

Lou didn't know how to take that. Was it good or bad news?

"Perfume?"

"Yeah, like some really cheap perfume. I just had this feeling," Kate trailed off again. "What if he's been this hygienic, just to wash… her off!"

"Who?" Lou asked puzzled.

"I don't know, someone!" Kate cried and finally faced her friend. "He's been acting really strange lately, and we haven't… you know, we haven't… done it, for ages now."

Suddenly it dawned on Lou and her hands fell over her mouth.

"Buck would never do that to you! He loves you!" she cried, denying what seemed so obvious.

"I don't know what to think, Lou. What if he's having an affair?"

Lou saw tears in Kate's green eyes and instantly leaned in to hug her sisterly.

"He hasn't shown he loves me for so long, I don't know what to think!" Kate sniffled, the tears falling from her eyes when she blinked. "And he's too tired, always too tired!"

Lou tried to soothe her, but she was caught in tears and accusations.

"I get to do everything around the house, and all he does is work and groan!"

"Trust me, men are like that," Lou smiled but Kate was inconsolable.

"Not Buck, he was never like that before we got married. Sometimes he forgets to say goodnight to Sherry too!" Kate broke free and tried to dry the tears.

"You're kidding?" Lou stared at her. "But he adores her."

"Apparently not anymore," Kate sniffled.

"Oh, I'm sure it will be alright, you just give it some time," Lou comforted. "He's probably just working too much…"

"I know, and that's the problem," Kate stated. "He's working so much he doesn't even have time for his own daughter. I try to be understanding, but how can I when he treats me like his sister?"

Lou had no answer. She felt suddenly very lucky that Kid was working as town marshal and not as a wrangler. She had never thought about it before, had often cursed him for being late for dinner, but listening to Kate she suddenly realized there were worse circumstances.

"I wouldn't be surprised if he is having an affair," Kate sighed and stared at the street.

"You want me to talk to him?" Lou offered, but her friend shook her head.

"No, I wanna know first. Who this woman is and for how long he's been seeing her."

Buck leaned over the corral fence and sighed, watching the two foals running with their mothers.

"So this is what you did last night?" Owen asked.

"Yep, I delivered them," Buck replied, but remained absent looking.

"And Melinda?"

"She watched. Got ideas. Hugged me. Now she's acting like I saved her life and not theirs," he sighed.

"I thought she had a little more perfume and lipstick than mostly," Owen laughed, then became serious. "You know, most men would see it as a blessing to have someone so young and sweet running in their shadows."

Buck looked up finally and stared into Owen's wise, grey eyes.

"But I'm married!"

"So am I. But it does add a little kick, don't it?" Owen chuckled and clapped his co-worker's shoulder.

"Not a bit," Buck muttered and hung over the fence again. "I'm having a hard enough time trying to fix everything at home, without Melinda running after me smiling like that!"

"Then ignore her! Your missy don't have to find out if you don't tell her."

"But what if Melinda does? What if she gets more ideas?" Buck was getting almost hysterical and had to hush himself. "If she tells Kate I don't know what will happen."

"Then talk to little Mel, I'm sure she'll understand if you explain everything for her," Owen reasoned.

"I didn't know I'd have to go around explaining my marriage all the time," Buck muttered coldly.

"Hey, Cross! Rich! Go to work!" cried a voice.

Buck looked up to see his boss waving at him, and he pulled himself up to his full height with a sigh. Owen did the same, but before he headed toward the waiting stalls he turned to Buck again.

"If you don't want her hanging after you, don't let her get close. Women can be like strays, you feed them and they won't let you alone!" he spoke wisely.

"You'll be alright," he stated and hurried toward his chores before their boss had to ask again.

Buck heard him laugh as he went. Why am I the only one who's not taking this as a joke? Buck wondered bitterly.

Kate came inside the house a little after five in the afternoon. She didn't expect her husband to be home, but there he was, for what it seemed passed out on the couch. Sherryleen ran up to her father and pulled his arm. Buck looked up drowsily and smiled at his little girl.

"Hey," his voice was cracking, Kate observed, like it often did these days.

"Hey, sweetie," she smiled and walked up to him, kissing his cheek lovingly. "Did Hamilton fire you or what?" she asked jokingly.

"No, he gave me the night off, since I worked so late yesterday," Buck explained and rose wearily, giving his wife a careful hug. "How are you?"

"I'm fine," Kate lied and went over to the stove. She wanted to ask him about his "working late" the previous night, but if Hamilton gave him the night off, then maybe tings weren't as complicated as she first thought...? "I'm fixing dinner now, if you care for some?" she asked.

Buck couldn't help but hear the sarcasm in that last part, but he nodded stiffly and walked up to one of the kitchen cupboards to make coffee. Some time later they both turned when they heard a horse outside and saw through the window that Kid dismounted below their porch.

"Shoot, there are no eggs," Kate exclaimed and went over to the door, to open it for both herself and Kid.

"Howdy, marshal. What brings you around?" she asked.

"I was just in the neighborhood. I thought it would be rude not to stop by," Kid replied and smiled back.

"Well, I'm just going out to get some eggs from the coop, I'll be right back," Kate excused herself.

She grabbed her coat and closed the door behind her and went across the yard. Kid removed his hat and turned to Buck, who was just pouring himself a cup of fresh coffee in the kitchen.

"Knock, knock!" he smiled and entered.

"Hey, Kid. What brings you around?" Buck asked.

"Nothing special, really. So, how you doing?"

"I'm alright," Buck lied.

Kid could tell he was holding back something, but decided it wasn't his business. But his eyes never missed the whiskey bottle that Buck hid behind his back, leaning against the kitchen sink nonchalantly.

"What's that?" Kid asked suspiciously.

"Oh, uh..." Buck felt cold sweat on his face when he thought of an answer. "Just a little to keep me warm working..."

"Sure, and it's religious too, huh?" Kid spat, obviously both angry and confused. Since when does he drink?

"No, but in case you've missed that, it's real cold out there and I usually work rather late," Buck did everything to defend himself.

"I thought you just said you were doing alright?" Kid asked sarcastically, his crystal blue eyes piercing his Kiowa friend right through.

"Maybe I lied," Buck stated, sipping the coffee from the cup in his hand.

"Yeah, apparently! What else have you been lying about?" Kid asked directly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Buck shot back angrily.

"Well, Kate doesn't know about you drinking, does she?"

Buck looked outrageous already. His brow was furrowed and his eyes looked like black flames in his face.

"I'm not drinking, it's just to numb the pain!" he shouted.

"What pain?" Kate asked from the kitchen door, dropping the basket of eggs on the floor, a deep frown on her otherwise so pretty face.

Kid swallowed. He had started this, but he wasn't going to stay for the grand finale. He cleared his throat.

"I better go," mumbled, but none of his friends noticed him leave.

"Kate, I..." Buck began, but cut himself short.

"What were you talking about?" Kate asked calmly, staring him down until he wanted to crumble on the floor, apologizing. She had always had a way of doing that to him.

"Nothing, Kid just..."

"Kid what?" Kate cut him off, the anger bubbling dangerously close to the surface. "Kid just what?! I heard him say you're drinking, and what do I see? Huh? A whiskey bottle out, my husband drunk, screaming at his best friend?" she scolded coldly.

"I'm not drunk!" Buck hollered back. "And I'm not drinking!"

"Give me that cup," Kate ordered and reached for it.

"No," Buck held it firmly in his left hand.

"If there's no whiskey in it I believe you. Now give it to me!"

"No, and I'm not drinking!" Buck placed the cup down on the counter behind him with a loud bang and grabbed the whiskey bottle instead. "Kid got it all wrong!"

"Why is that bottle out of the cupboard then, huh? And why have you been behaving like a stranger lately? Huh?" Kate was furious, both at him for behaving like that and at herself for not realizing what was happening. "I've seen a lot of drinking men in my days, I should have known what was going on!"

"For the last time, I'm not drunk!" Buck shouted at the top of his lunges and launched the bottle in the closest corner, so angry at all the accusations he didn't know what to do with himself.

The bottle shattered into a thousand pieces and the liquor ran out over the floor. Buck turned slightly and saw his daughter stare at her parents, so scared she didn't even dare to cry.

"Then what the hell are you?" Kate asked calmly with tears in he eyes.

"Where are you going?" Buck asked and followed her to the door.

Kate scooped Sherryleen into her arms and turned sniffling to her husband.

"I'm going for a walk in town with my daughter," she replied calmly, opening the door with her free hand.

"She's my daughter too!" Buck called after her.

"Then why the hell haven't you behaved like the father you are?" Kate asked and bit her lip. She knew what this was doing to their relationship. "You haven't once been there for your daughter, not even on your days off from work!"

"You have no idea what it's like to work at Hamilton's, I'm totally exhausted!" Buck tried to defend himself, but was out of arguments.

"You knew about Sherry long before you started working for Hamilton," Kate said, again calm enough to keep from shouting. "Don't you lay this all on me, this is all your fault!" she spat.

She rushed to the horse and wagon that stood hitched outside the barn since her homecoming. She placed Sherryleen on the driver's seat and jumped up, shouting for the horse to hurry. Buck was hot on her heels, but couldn't outrun the spooked animal and was left screaming after her.

"Kate! Kate, dammit!"

But she had already come so far down the road that she couldn't hear him. Buck turned and walked inside again, sighing deeply. He walked into the kitchen and stared at the broken glass all over the floor. He sighed angrily and crouched, picking up piece after piece. He saw blood on his palm, felt the stinging up his arm pain, but still he didn't take the piece of razor sharp glass out of the wound for several minutes. He just stared at the wound that dripped of ruby red blood, mixing with the whiskey on the floor. He was so angry, at himself, Kate, Hamilton, Melinda, Owen and even Kid. But mostly at himself. He closed his eyes and formed a fist with his left hand, squeezing the broken pieces in his hand until he cried out in unbearable pain. Pain he believed he deserved.

They saw him come riding into town. Kid and Lou stood outside the marshal's office, watching him. They turned to see Kate on the other side of the street, helping her daughter onto the stage.

"Kate!" Buck hollered angrily and jumped off his horse, running up to her.

"You're just in time to say goodbye, Buck," Kate stated, looking coldly at her husband.

She climbed up into the stage and closed the door, leaning out the window.

"Where are you going?" Buck asked worriedly and pulled her arm with his good hand.

Kate pulled free and stared at him.

"I'm going to see Sherri. When I come back I wanna see a change around here. You got that?" she asked sternly, her eyes boring into his like knives.

"Don't go, you can't!" he cried in her face, looking pleadingly at his daughter who sat quiet on the cushioned seat behind her mother, her tiny hands buttoned over her stomach. Her eyes carried such pain but still she didn't speak. As if she knew what was happening between her parents.

"That's where you're wrong, Buck," Kate said. "If you ain't willin' to behave like my husband, then I sure as hell won't behave like your wife!" she spat just as the stage began to move.

"Kate, come back!" Buck begged.

The stage moved beyond his reach, and for the second time that day Buck could only watch his wife and child disappear. He stared at his injured hand for a moment, watching the red patches of blood coming through the bandage. I deserve this, he thought morosely. His well hand went through his raven hair and he sighed a deep and frustrated sigh.

He turned around and took the reins to his horse, still staring at the disappearing stagecoach at the end of the snowy street. He mounted roughly and turned his mount homewards, kicking it brusquely into action.

Lou turned to her husband with questioning eyes. "What was all that about?" she probed.

"They just have some problems, I'm sure they can work it out," Kid answered calmly, looking after Buck who was vanishing from his view in the icy wind.

"Didn't look like it to me," Lou thought out loud.

"Maybe Jimmy and Cody were right when they said those two shouldn't get married," Kid drew a sigh and went back inside.

Lou stayed on the porch, her eyes filled with confusion and questions. She shook her head and hurried after her husband, asking him to reveal everything he knew. She regretted not going to talk to Buck that afternoon, after all Kate had told her. I should have seen this coming!

That night Buck couldn't sleep a wink. His mind was tortured by the remorse and guilt, and every time he closed his eyes he saw her. Her face was a cold frown every time. Her words echoed in his head. He was breathing rapidly and had his eyes were closed hard, his hands pressing against his ears. Still she wouldn't go away. He moaned in physical pain, but it wasn't his hand. Or his head. He could feel his heart breaking, all from anger and guilt. And it was too late to fix.

When dawn was finally coming, an exhausted Buck walked out to the barn and finished the morning chores. He was too tired to ride. So he took the sleigh out to Hamilton's to spend the rest of the day working. He didn't have strength to do that either, but the anger that still brewed in him kept him numb all over, and for the first time in months he couldn't feel the pain.

A week went by and still there was no word from Kate. Lou and Kid had gone over to talk to their friend late in the evenings, when they expected Buck to be home, but he spent more time at Hamilton's than ever before, working away his pain and sorrow.

The seventh night of loneliness was clear as crystal and there were surely a million stars glistering above him when he trotted his horse homeward. It had become a habit of taking the sleigh instead of riding now, and it often happened that he would slumber in the late evenings when he was steering for home on the lonely road. This night was no different. His horse knew the way home and he could safely take a nap, sitting on the driver's seat with his head falling against his chest.

Kate had called his name for several minutes, but their homestead was empty and cold, the house darker than the night itself. She had just come back from a hard few days without him in Baltimore, and since it was past nine in the evening she had thought for sure he would be home. Only two small lanterns were lit in the barn, but the horses were stomping restlessly in the pasture. Kate hurried to get them inside for the night, then took her daughter with her and walked briskly into town. I'm sure he's just over at Kid and Lou's for dinner, she thought to calm herself, but she would soon discover that too was false.

Buck was awoken when the sleigh seemed to falter some, tilting to the right. He hurried to gather the reins again and steer his horse back onto the road, realizing if he wasn't quick they would end up beside it rather than on it. His left hand led the horse back, but just as he did that he heard a creaking sound. Looking down he saw the right shaft was breaking. Damn old thing! he cursed, steering the horse further to the left to escape the ditch to the right. The shaft broke clean off this time and the horse fell into a spooked gallop. Buck tried his best to stop the animal, but to no avail.

"Whoa!" he called, refusing to panic thought he saw the obvious end to this adventure.

Only a second later he felt the sleigh tip over to the right again, and despite holding on to the seat he was slumped to the ground. Looking briefly over his shoulder he saw the sleigh falling over him and he braced himself for pain.

"But where is he then?" Kate cried, looking from Kid's face to Lou's and back.

"We don't know, we've barely seen him at all since you left," Kid explained and saw the pain on Kate's face.

"He hasn't left, has he?" she nearly whispered and turned away from her friends, wishing she was alone so she could cry over her own mistake.

"How could he?" Lou soothed and walked up to Kate, embracing her carefully.

"I was so angry with him, I couldn't stand him!" she wailed.

Lou made a gesture for Kid and he filed silently out of the room.

"There now, we know you don't hate him," Lou started. "He knows that too."

"But where is he?" Kate probed and broke free.

"Tell you what, we send Kid out to look at your place again. I'm sure you just missed him," Lou tried to comfort her friend, but nothing seemed to help.

"No, I want to go too," she insisted.

"You've traveled much too much lately, you should be resting!" Lou tried to reason with her. "Think of the baby!"

Kate turned away again and held a hand to her mouth. She wanted to run away and head right into Buck's arms, but Lou had a point.

"If I go to our place and look and Kid goes over to Hamilton's, then we can't miss him," she said finally.

"Alright, but promise you take it easy," Lou warned.

"Deal," Kate nodded and hurried out to tell Kid of the plan.

Lou took the sleepy Sherryleen in her arms and headed upstairs to the bedroom, hoping to find some rest herself too.

Buck didn't know how many minutes had passed by when he finally dared to lift his head and look up. The pain from his legs was spreading up his body and down his feet like a wild fire, causing him to wince and grit his teeth. Moving didn't exactly help.

He forced himself to look over his shoulder and see what the sleigh had done to him, and what he saw writhed his guts. The runner lay over both his legs and cut about an inch into his left leg, and about half that into his right. Thanks to the snow and the cold night air there was a limited amount of blood around the wounds, but the pain increased the longer he remained there. His head fell heavily back onto the ground and instantly he felt a stinging sensation in his cheek. Moving his head he felt the same thing on his forehead, chin and every other part of his face that touched the icy ground. His instincts told him to put his gloved hand between his face and the snow, but it took a lot of an effort to move his arm into the right position. But at least the stinging pain subsided on his skin.

He knew he had to get up or he would die, out there on that lonely road between his place and Hamilton's no one used but himself. No one would look for him and no one would notice he was gone. He held tears in his eyes at the thought that not even his family would know of his whereabouts until they returned from Baltimore, which could be at any time, though most likely not for a long time yet. He bit his teeth together and ignored the pain in his legs, forcing his upper body up to his elbows, trying to use his legs to push the runner away. No use. He fell screaming back onto the ground. There must be more damage to my legs than those wounds, he thought bitterly, waiting for the pain to subside. Only it didn't. You messed up this time, Buck! He told himself and blinked the tears away. The chill was getting to his bones and he felt himself growing stiffer. His body was shaking to regain some heat, but it only caused more pain. I have to keep moving!

He had repeated that sentence in his head at least a hundred times, but it didn't work. Not any more. He couldn't move his legs at all and his upper body was heavy and stiff. His hands and feet hurt from cold, and moving his toes and fingers felt like shuffling ice cubes. He didn't know if he had only been there for a few minutes, or if there had perhaps been hours since he left Hamilton's, but the sky above him was still dark and starry. And the temperature was dropping. He tried to move his arms, but they too were beginning to feel numb and heavy. I can't stop fighting!

Kate ran across the yard to the still cold and dark house where she had lived since she got married. It had sure seemed a lot warmer back then. She hollered her husband's name, but there was no reply. She had the feeling that something was wrong and that something was about to go even more wrong, but she was powerless to help it. She could only hope Kid had found him at Hamilton's. She made up her mind and decided to head out there, using the back road from their homestead.

Kid shook his head. The Hamilton barns were dark and closed for the night, and the only lights in the house were shining from the top floor. Kid sighed and walked up t the front door, knocking carefully. It was Mrs. Hamilton who came down and opened.

"Do you know what time it is, Marshal?" she asked angrily.

"Yes, and I apologize for disturbing you at this hour," Kid started politely, knowing well the somewhat brusque mood of all members of the Hamilton family. "But a friend of mine is apparently missing from his home, and I was wondering if maybe he was with you," he continued.

"Why would he? It's only me, my husband and Melinda in."

Kid nodded. "I see. Well, he's working for your husband, so in case you would see him, please tell him to come home. His wife's waiting impatiently," he informed.

"Who is he? Does he have a name?" Mrs. Hamilton asked curiously.

"Yeah, it's Buck Cross. He's one of your ranch hands."

"I know him, that's the handsome young man Melinda always speak of," Mrs. Hamilton laughed.

"Oh? Do they know each other then?" It was Kid's turn to be curious.

"She wishes! He was the only hand left here when two of our fillies went into foal one night, and Melinda watched him deliver them. She hasn't spoken of anyone else since!"

Kid smiled and turned to leave. "Well, returning to the subject…" he nodded and Mrs. Hamilton continued for him.

"I'll send him home if he stops by. Goodnight, Marshal!"

"Goodnight, and I'm sorry for the late visit!"

"It was nothing!"

Kid hurried to his horse and mounted stiffly. It sure was a cold night. I hope Buck's alright, he thought as he trotted back out onto the road in the dark.

Buck was no longer cold. A pleasant warmth was spreading through his veins, and was warming him gradually. But instead his body hurt. His legs throbbed and felt swollen, but his upper body and arms were pretty bad too. He could no longer move, not even his fingers. And he was very tired. So indescribably sleepy. His eyes closed heavily every time he opened them, and though he knew what falling asleep meant, he couldn't help it. He thought of his family, but once in awhile he saw images of his co-workers and other friends too. He heard them speak to him, saying things he had heard a million times. Like how to patch things up with Kate, or how to break in new horses from the pasture. All in a weird mix. He soon realized he hadn't opened his eyes in surely ten or so minutes, and though he wanted to, he decided he could just as well keep them closed. No one would find him anyway. Feeling his limbs numbing away and the pain from his broken legs subsiding ever so slowly, he reached a decision. He took a deep breath and tried his best to be in a comfortable position. A comfortable position to die in.

Two heartbeats later he gave up fully and let the bright light around him embrace his dying body. It was funny how easy he could just slip away and never return. Death wasn't cold and lonely like he sometimes had thought, and as recently as a few minutes ago. No, it was warm and bright, like the sun on a pleasant spring day. He could feel the fresh breeze wash over his face, as he walked through the tall grass and found his resting place. He looked at the ground for a moment and just knew. This was his spot. He laid down and let a peaceful and satisfied smile play across his lips. There were the smells of fresh flowers all around him, and though he laid there with his eyes closed he could feel the presence of a thousand souls, all equally relaxed and peaceful. Buck knew he would find comfort here, and so he remained where the sun was eternally warm and bright. ***

Kate gulped and ran across the icy road, up to the trotting horse that came from the direction of Hamilton's ranch. Straps from the harness were dragged behind him on the ground and there was a look of fright in the animal's big brown eyes. Kate carefully calmed him and took a hold of the broken reins, stroking his neck, which was all sweaty. He had run for quite awhile. Realizing something had happened to her husband, Kate tied the horse to the wagon and climbed up on the driver's seat once again, slapping the reins on her trusted steeds rump, hollering loudly. The wagon was soon rolling fast on the icy ground, but not once was she scared the horse would slip. She had only the thought of her husband dying in her mind. ***

Kid saw the wagon approach him in the dark night, but only a few yards from where he was he saw something on the right side of the road. It was something dark and big, but he could make out someone was stuck beneath it.

"Kid!" Kate hollered and stopped her horses.

"It's Buck!" Kid shouted back, jumping off his horse to run to is friend's side.

He crouched by Buck's side and shook his shoulders. No reaction.

"Buck!" Kate cried and all but fell down beside him in the wet snow.

Kid was already removing his jacket, placing it over his best friend's back, rubbing his shoulders.

"We gotta get the sleigh off of him," he reasoned and rose, attempting to lift the runner that lay across

Buck's legs. "It's heavy!" he breathed.

Kate stroked Buck's face carefully and tried not to sob. She removed her glove and touched him, trying to satisfy the need of knowing he was there.

"God, he's so cold," she whispered and blinked away the tears, some rolling down her cheeks.

"Help me, we gotta get him to doc's," Kid said and again took a hold of the runner.

Kate rose and put her glove back on, ready to help in any way she could. But Kid was right, the sleigh was heavy, and with her stomach so big she could barely reach around it, there was little she could do. She heard a horse coming down the road, but she couldn't stop herself. She was fighting with every fiber of her being to get the sleigh off her husband's legs. She tried not to think about it, but in the back of her mind she still didn't know if he was actually still alive or if he had already slipped out of her reach.

"Hamilton!" Kid exclaimed in both surprise and relief, running to meet him.

"I heard Cross was missing, I wanted to make sure he was okay," the man riding toward them explained when he dismounted his still trotting horse.

"Thank God you came along, we can't get the sleigh off him ourselves," Kid said and knelt again, taking a firm hold of the runner and waited for Hamilton and Kate to do the same.

The strength of three frozen people was just enough to make the sleigh budge, and with a little anger and frustration they soon had it out of the way. Kate again crouched by her husband's side and tried not to fall into a fit of despair.

"Buck, can you hear me?" she asked.

"Come on, let's get him on the wagon," Kid said and carefully turned his friend over.

"He left a long time ago, marshal," Hamilton spoke up and took Buck's arms. "We gotta hurry, unless it's too late already. It's damn cold."

Kid only nodded, being at a total loss of what to do. As marshal of Rock Creek people expected him to know what to do in emergencies, but he had to admit this time he was almost falling headlong.

"Okay, careful now," he said and together with Mr. Hamilton he lifted Buck toward Kate's wagon.

Kate sat herself by his side and caressed his face lovingly, placing both her own and Kid's jacket over his frozen body, hoping it would do some good. She removed her gloves again and placed both her hands on his cheeks, trying to warm them. She could barely make out in the dim moonlight that his right cheek was swollen and felt kind of dry. Her hand traveled absently down his neck, which was just as cold as his face. More tears fell from her eyes and her throat felt suddenly very thick when she discovered what she had dreaded so ever since she first saw him lying there in the snow.

She couldn't get the words over her lips, and the ride in to town felt like it took a hundred years. But it didn't matter anymore.

"We're almost there," Kid spoke somewhat lightly, though his still voice had a worried quiver.

Kate shook her head and wiped at the cold tears. "He has no pulse," she sniffled and looked up at Kid's face. He just stared back over his shoulder with big eyes as if he didn't believe her. And he couldn't. Wouldn't.

Lou refused to cry. Kid held his arms around her shoulders from behind, but she wouldn't let him any closer. Kate was sobbing in Rachel's arms, the doctor's words not bringing her much comfort.

"Now, he ain't dead, you heard doc," Rachel spoke gently, stroking the red curls from Kate's face.

"How can he not be dead, he had no pulse!" she cried, her teary face expressing the pain that wracked her body at the thought of her husband dying away from her. Again.

"He was just very cold, you couldn't feel his heart beating. I'm sure he'll be alright," Kid comforted, then turned to his wife. "Lou, are you okay?"

Lou shrugged out of his arms and stared at the door. She didn't answer her husband, she just waited for the door to open again. Buck had been brought into the clinic over two hours ago and waiting out there on the porch was both cold and straining. Yet none of them wanted to leave.

The door finally moved almost twenty minutes later, and a weary but calm man walked out.

"I think he's gonna be fine," he spoke with a smaller smile. "His legs are both broken, but with a little rest he should be recovered in a couple of months. You may come in and see him if you like."

They all filed into the clinic one by one, but Kid was thoughtful. He knew that there was something else to be heard.

"What are you holding back, doc?" he asked quietly.

The doctor sighed and looked up with a thoughtful grin.

"He's very cold, and I'm afraid there's little I can do for his hands. The hypothermia will probably force me to amputate in the long run, but I'll give it a day or two. Just in case."

Kid swallowed. He had expected this, but how would Buck take it? He decided to go into the room where his friend lied asleep, and the sight of the young Kiowa made him bite his lip hard.

"What are those?" he asked and pointed at the angry red swellings on Buck's right cheek.

"He must have been lying with that cheek down," the doctor stated. "The frost did that to him. If he's lucky there won't be no scars, but I can't know for sure yet."

Kid nodded and let his eyes wander down his friend's body. His hands both lay on the thick covers, bandaged. To hopefully gain some heat. Under the numerous blankets he could see Buck's left leg was leveled just a bit more than his right, and Kid guessed it was to make the healing process somewhat shorter.

"Baby, can you hear me?" Kate begged, stroking her husband's well cheek carefully. It was cold as ice.

"I think he'll be sleeping at least until tomorrow. Until he regains all his body heat," the doctor explained.

"What's with his hands?" Lou asked steadily.

Kid was amazed at the lack of emotion she was showing. That wasn't really like her. Kate too looked up and wiped at her tears, reaching for her daughter's tiny hand.

"Are they broken too?" she asked.

Doc sighed. All the three women looked at him with big, questioning eyes and he knew he had to tell them what was to be expected in the next few days. He also knew it would be painful for them to hear.

Buck lifted his head just a little. There was a bright light around him, a light that made him squint. He was extremely warm, but not in an uncomfortable way. Only his hands were hurting as long as he remained still, but when he looked around in the room, moving his head, he could feel a slicing pain rising from his legs. His last memories before this were darkness, a bad chill and lots of pain, but not like this. It had been like a nightmare, and this was the exact opposite.

When his eyes got used to the light, finally, he realized it came from a window to his right. But he couldn't see much through his right eye, which scared him at first. He realized shortly it was his swollen cheek that blurred everything, and turning his head a little more he could see the whole room with his left eye.

He saw Kid in a chair by the window, looking dazed but not asleep. Lou was curled up at his feet, a thick blanket over her frail body and a pillow under her head. Closer to the bed he saw Rachel and finally Kate, both leaning against the wall, covered with another blanket. Sherryleen lay at her mother's side, using Kate's thigh for a pillow, clasping her mother's arm that lay around her back. Buck smiled at the heartbreaking sight.

"Kate," he whispered hoarsely.

No reaction. He called again, but it was Kid who heard him first. Waking his wife when he rose, he hurried to the side of Buck's cot.

"Hey, buddy!" he smiled warmly, looking over his shoulder to make sure they were all awake.

"Buck!" Lou struggled to her feet despite her big stomach and crouched by the bed. "God, it's so good to see you awake!" she whispered and kissed his forehead.

"Oh, sweetie!" Kate's voice sounded and Buck turned to look into her emerald eyes, which were overflowing with tears, like so many times in the last 24-hours.

"I'll get doc," Kid said and hurried outside, pulling Lou with him.

Looking into his eyes Lou realized what he meant.

"Buck and Kate could use some time alone," he whispered just to make sure she got it.

"Sherryleen, you wanna come with me?" Rachel asked and the girl nodded shyly. "Get better now, Buck! It's good to have you back," she winked and Buck smiled tiredly.

When the door was closed and it was just the two of them left in the room, Kate clasped his bandaged hands and stayed silent for a moment. When she looked up she was smiling through the tears.

"How come you always have to get hurt every time I leave town, huh?" she asked, kissing his fingertips.

Buck smiled at first, then realized he didn't feel her lips on his skin. Kate broke his thoughts before he realized the painful truth.

"I'm so glad you're better, though."

Buck had a pained expression in his eyes, a pain that wasn't physical.

"Kate, I'm so sorry," he whispered but Kate shook her head.

"It's okay, baby. I'm here now, I promise I won't ever leave you again."

"It was my fault, you were right," Buck continued, feeling an urge to tell her everything that had been on his mind since their huge argument they day Kate left. But she wouldn't listen.

"I feel this happened because it's time for a change," she said. "It wasn't your fault, it was meant to be. Somehow."

Buck shook his head carefully, and Kate saw tears in his eyes.

"I was such a fool," he said. "I took you for granted, you were just always there!"

"It's okay now, you don't have to go through this alone anymore," Kate soothed, kissing his forehead lovingly.

Buck closed his eyes. He was tired in a pleasant way, and having Kate so close again brought a warm feeling to his bones.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you too," Kate smiled brightly and stroked his chin. "You get better now, honey, I'll be here." Buck murmured a response and seemed to settle in to sleep. But a couple of minutes later his mouth opened again, but his eyes remained closed.

"What's wrong with my hands?" he asked and Kate turned away, not showing him the fresh tears that run down her cheeks.