Buck tried to let the news sink in. His hands would never recover. He was a rancher, and ranching was all he knew, he needed his hands! He needed them!

"Kate," he began, but the pain of knowing he may never feel her soft skin under his fingertips again made him swallow hard.

"Sssh, it's okay," she soothed, leaning over him, careful to not touch anything broken.

"He can't take my hands," Buck whispered, being scooped into her warm and loving embrace.

Kate hummed a song above his head, stroking his hair like she always did when he needed to relax. Her fingers rubbed his scalp sensually, making his eyelids flutter in pleasure. It had been much too long sine he had felt anything like this, and though he would soon be crippled he felt now was all that mattered. He knew deep down Kate would always love and support him, no matter how many hands he had, or didn't have. But he wanted to be able to hold their children, to work around the house, to reach out in the middle of the night and feel her there, and most of all he wanted to touch her. But once his hands were taken from him he wouldn't do that anymore. He wouldn't be able to do that anymore.

"You be lucky if you don't catch pneumonia too," Kate giggled above his head.

Her touch had relaxed him enough to giggle too, but in his head the images of his arms without hands kept flashing back and forth, scaring him more every time.

"I'm so sorry," he mumbled.

"Tell you what," Kate started and sat back on the side of the bed, looking into his warm eyes. "If you quit working for Hamilton, you're forgiven. How's that?"

Buck wanted to scream yes, he wanted to sit up and kiss her and tell her all the things he felt for her and their children, but there was something she said that kept him motionless under the covers. Quit working for Hamilton. Once his hands were amputated, how cold he possibly work for Hamilton anyway? Kate saw the darkness that clouded over his face.

"Oh baby, I didn't mean..." she started, fresh tears rising to her eyes. "Honey, I'm sorry."

She leant down and hugged him again, harder this time. His arms carefully went around her neck and he hugged her back, with all the strength his weakened body possessed.

"It'll be alright," he heard in his ear, but the tears that ran down his face were still fat and full of remorse. He wold never forgive himself for giving Kate a cripple of a husband.

Two slow and straining days passed, and still Buck's hands were cold as ice and swollen. They held a bluish and kind of pink shade, and his fingertips were somewhat darker. But doc had said as long as they didn't become all black he still had a chance. But the risk of gangrene was growing with every hour, and doc really wanted to cut his hands before it was too late and he would be forced to take an whole arm. Or worse. Buck had a low fever, but nothing serious. Yet. Kate had made doc promise not to do anything until the swelling increased or the color of his fingers changed, but Buck was pessimistic. Sooner or later he would be forced to look down on a pair of arms. Nothing else. Just arms. He had heard of the concept called "phantom pain". Pain in parts of your body that don't exist anymore. He thought he could live with having just one hand, but taking both was overwhelming. How would he live? How would he eat? What would he do? He wouldn't even be able to open a door! Kate broke his thoughts and he turned to look at her questioningly, waiting for her to repeat what she just said.

"How are you?" she asked again.

"My hands hurt," he stated.

"Bad?" she asked and he nodded. "What about your legs?"

"Fine as long as I don't breathe," Buck replied morosely.

Even with the laudanum he was given he felt most of the pain in his healing body. Kate stroked his almost healed right cheek, brushing over the last few visible signs of his cold night out. Suddenly he tensed and she pulled her hand back, thinking she had hurt him.

"Buck?"

"My hands," Buck mumbled, biting his teeth together.

"They hurt."

"I know, sweetie, Kate soothed.

"No, they're getting worse."

Kate stiffened and felt the hairs at the back of her neck stand on end. She closed her eyes and cursed silently. This can't be, God. I thought he was getting better. Don't do this, not after all this waiting!

She turned back to Buck, who was now clenching his teeth in pain, his eyes looking pleadingly into hers. There was both pain and anger in them, but mostly fear. She had to admit she was scared too.