"Someone else"? What is that supposed to mean? Now I'm agonizing, wondering if there's another woman in his life, another woman he holds. Kisses. Loves. It's driving me crazy, and it hasn't even been five minutes. But the way she said it...
It's not that I don't trust him. I do. It's that I don't believe that anyone could love me, even him.
Don't say it, I know you always tell me I'm lovable, that I'm not a horrible person, and I say I believe you. On some level, I really do believe you. But deep down inside, I just can't make myself fully believe that. I can smile and say I believe you because on a superficial level, I do. But when the day is done and I'm alone in my apartment, I take off all my masks and complicated layers, and the truth is there, staring at me. At the end of the day, I'm right back to where I started, thinking I am nothing.
You were right when you said he'd be good for me, when I was fighting dating him. I didn't want to date him, because I was even insecure on my superficial layers, the ones I put on every morning so no one knows who I am inside. Then you convinced me that he didn't care about how insecure I was, that he just thought I was amazing, and just wanted to be with me.
You said he thought I was a goddess. The most beautiful thing he'd ever seen, everything he'd ever imagined all rolled up into one blonde little package.
You were right. He treated me so perfectly, he was so gentle and sweet with me. That may not have been his "image", but everything about him was different with me. I remember when you'd push him, he'd push you back, just as hard. But then he would turn around and put his arm around my waist, and rub my side with his thumb, just as gentle as a new mother is with her baby.
I felt like a queen. I was his queen, and I floated on cloud nine all day, every day. Nothing could touch me anymore, I felt almost immortal.
But now, he'll be gone for a long time. There's going to be so many pretty girls around, all the time. I may not look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame, but I am certainly no Miss USA. I don't hold a candle to those girls, with their long blonde hair, big mascara'd eyes, and perfectly toned tan bodies. I'm more the shoulder-length hair, make-up free, not-so-tan, and definitely not-so-toned type.
So now, I'm back to my insecure self, with those two simple words - "someone else". They look so harmless, and it's hard to believe that, sitting here writing this to you, those words could cause me the need to sit at a desk and try for hours to write the words I want to say to you. I'm not so good with saying things, so I have to write them. Otherwise they just come out horribly, and people get angry at things I say, even though I didn't mean anything harmful. I just get flustered and things don't come out right.
I guess I should get to the point of this letter, shouldn't I? The point is, I'm trying to tell you that I need help. Most people, they just have moments of self-doubt, of low self-esteem. I've just gone through six years of it, and I see no end in sight. His love has helped me more than anything I could ever have imagined could from someone else, I have gained self-confidence from him. But I want to not hate myself when I'm alone in my living room, staring out the window into the night. Because this self-hatred has made me paranoid, it's made me doubt that anyone could love me. It's made me positive that he will leave me, sooner or later. And I hope it will be later, but I keep thinking, that since he's leaving in a week, it's going to be sooner. And it tears me apart inside that I could even possibly lose him, and the love I receive from him. Which brings me to the other reason I wrote this letter, to try to explain something I could never explain to you before, even though you are my best friend. Do you remember how I didn't want to date him? Do you remember all I've written about my self-doubt, and that I'm terrified of losing him now that I love him so much? And how I said it would be bad for me? I've hurt so much these last few years, and I never wanted to hurt again. But the thought that I could lose him at any minute, that makes me hurt. It makes me hurt more than I ever thought possible.
That is why I fought.
Also...Also, I'm glad that I lost. Like they say, "It's better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all." Whoever they are, they're right.
© 2002 Princess Fan Fics